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Thread: My life is a mess

  1. #1

    My life is a mess

    2 and a half years ago I met the most amazing woman. We clicked instantly and really got to know one another, dating and experiencing interests on both sides. Going with the flow I wasnít expecting much and swerved an important question. Do I have kids? Itís not that I didnít answer, I just changed the subject and she didnít question it again. The truth is I have 2 sons from previous relationships. My older son lives with his mum in a different country whilst the youngest lives here and I spend once week with. I dodged the question because at the time it was only the 2nd time we had met up and I wasnít sure which direction the relationship would head in. Selfish me.

    We had both just come out of 7/8 year relationships and found it hard to not be in each otherís company.

    We ventured into new experiences, holidays and familyís and planned a future together, forever. This all occurred after the first year which after 6 months resulted in me spending limited time with her due to my older brotherís health deteriorating and eventually succumbing to cancer. She promised sheíd give me all the time to be with my older sibling and the family and offered maximum support. A year into our relationship I was coming to terms with my brothers death which was the most traumatic experience of my life. My behaviour in general changed in the sense of being emotional distressed and short tempered easily which resulted in me taking out my frustrations on her sometimes, verbally. She stood by me. Weíd spend most evenings and every weekend together outside of our working lives. She became the love of my life. I am besotted with her beauty inside and out. Her touch, her eyes, her smile, her ability to light up the darkest of rooms.

    Writing this is one of the hardest things Iíve had to do in my life so please bear with me.

    Our relationship progressed and we became more and more connected but I kept dipping in and out of depression, she stood by me.

    Last week we had an argument and I said some nasty things, about her past experiences with men. After speaking every day for the last 2 years we spent 2 days with no contact. Eventually we spoke and she decided she felt we needed time to ourselves (a break with complete separation which devastated me. She told me not to contact her and that she would text me in a week but I struggled to accept this. I turned up at her workplace the following and explained I was prepared to give her the time she needed but not to give up on us while I worked on myself. We spoke and it got to a point where I came clean about my kids. She is devastated and of course has told me to leave her alone and never contact her ever again. She had suffered enough at the hands of a compulsive liar.

    I regret not being honest from the beginning about something so extremely important. Please donít judge me, my head is an absolute mess right now. I need her to know how truly sorry I am. She will always be a part of me. This will haunt both of us for a very long time and I just want to make things right for closure. I canít eat or sleep or function without thinking about her and how much hurt my actions have caused.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    I am sorry you are hurting.
    I have no idea how you managed to conceal the most important information about your life. Besides since you spent so much time together it must have been difficult to remember not to mention kids... especially that you are seeing one of them once a week.
    Not sure what was your purpose of this. Honestly, why ?
    You should be proud of it ...I struggle to understand. It took probably a lot energy to conceal this.
    I am sorry that you only see this now that you messed up. Maybe you can write her a letter explaining all as I don't think she will give you a chance to explain anytime soon.
    It must have been a shock for her. She will be question what else you have hidden. I wouldn't exaggerate if I would say that she may think your relationship was based on lie.
    I am sorry you are in this position but what did you expect ?
    This would eat me alive if I knew that I still didn't let my partner know about my children.
    Take time to calm down and give her space ....than perhaps send the letter.
    Hope others will give you a better advice.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    You can tell her how sorry you are and ask how you can help to make it right - but please don't try to make it right by being in her life anymore as a romantic partner and please make it clear to her you know it's over and you have no ulterior motives in expressing again how sorry you are and that the only reason you are contacting is to see if there is a way you can make it better other than completely staying out of her life. I would stop beating myself up if I were you as that is getting a bit too self-absorbed and turn your energies to trying to make it right. Thinking outside the box -if she is now needing to seek therapy because of how you betrayed her maybe offer to pay? And if you do make it impersonal -like via paypal or a third party so she doesn't need to have contact with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    I want to correct your post.
    2 and a half years ago you met a woman. Not an amazing one.

    At least not in your opinion at that time!

    2.5 years later , she is still the same woman you met , however now you want her to be an amazing woman.

    And you want her to be that amazing woman that will forgive all your deceit for over 2 years. She would be foolish , not amazing to do that!??? So , what you actually want is a foolish woman???? Is that right??

    Let her go.

    In the meantime , donít beat yourself up. Instead try to be more present in your kids lives and strive to be if not an amazing dad but at least a present dad.

    Your life is not a mess. You can undo this mess , starting with prioritising your kids!?


  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Can I just ask...how come when you realized you two were starting to get on really well, say into the second month or so...didn't you tell her about your children?

    I am so sorry this has happened. But yes, it is a huge deal. A lie to this degree, is non forgivable. If you had only been dating a few months, then yes, fixable.
    But you kept this going to for over two years.

    You need to let it go. I think the best you can do is maybe leave her with a letter on your thoughts, let her know you will do whatever she might need in order to give her some kind of peace and then accept that it's over.

    I am sorry it's been such a harsh lesson, OP. I truly and sincerely hope you're getting professional help as it sounds as though you need it with the losses you've experienced.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    You have carried a lot of grief, and you suffer from depression....get professional help. When you seek out counseling, then you will be able to resume your relaitonship with her peacefully. So sorry for your loss.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    This is going to be a hard lesson youíre going to have to learn unfortunately.

    Not mentioning children you have isnít an oopsie, itís like direct deceit. And be honest, it wasnít because you werenít sure where things were going. You werenít revealing to her say for example your brother was sick and you were having a hard time emotionally, that would have been something to keep close to the chest, but the fact that you had kids? You canít fix what you donít acknowledge, you didnít tell her because you thought it made you a better potential mate if you didnít have kids... letís start there. Now you know so from here on out of a potential mate asks you about children you shout it from the rooftops because your children should be your pride and joy, not a dirty secret. So again sorry hard lesson you will have to learn.

    You canít take back the lies, or the meanness. Heal. I commend you for wanting to apologize so if you must send a letter telling her what you just told us, that youíre sorry and leave it at that no can we talk none of that apologize from your heart and leave it be.

    Good luck.

  9. #8
    I really appreciate everyoneís response as hard as it is facing up to this. My response to the most obvious question, Why did I not tell her from the beginning? Just as figureitout23 said below, cowardly action of avoiding possible rejection. I always wanted to tell her after this and it only became harder as the relationship progressed. I have written a letter of apology, detailed my regrets with a request for forgiveness and posted through her letter box. This guilt burns, deeply. Whether or not she contacts me back who knows. One thing I do realise and will admit is this version of me is not fit for a relationship with anyone right now.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    British Columbia, Canada
    Telling her how sorry you are is for you, not for her. She's processing in her own way. If you come at her with a long apologetic letter about how things were for you for those two years, you're overexplaining yourself in a situation that is inexplicable. The end result doesn't change. She'll never get back the two years she spent with you when she could have been with someone else. It doesn't reverse the damage that's been done and a letter won't change what's happened between the both of you.

    I'm more of the mind: If you're really sorry and intent on healing and figuring out things on your own end, you would not speak to her again. It's likely sorrys were already said between then and now and there's nothing more that you can do except excuse yourself from this situation and find the help that you need to work through facing the fact that you do have kids. I agree with focusing more on them and accepting them in your lives (in all parts of your life going forward including new relationships).

    You hesitated in telling her about your kids... why? Was it for financial reasons or you're tied up/unable to pursue a new relationship in a manner you might have hoped to do? Perhaps you're upset at the way things ended with your exes and there are unresolved issues there or bitterness/resentment.

    Or is it because you're still legally married to one of those women and aren't able to start a new relationship legitimately?

    I wouldn't approach the matter anymore and let things be with this woman. She's got her own healing to do and I think she might do it best without you in the picture.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    I don't think there will be any coming back from this, so it's best that you start working on accepting this is over.

    Leave her be now. She is coming to terms with the fact that you are not the man she thought you were. You hid a very significant part of you from her, for a long time, and this not only calls into question your character as a partner, but also as a father. Finding out that a man prioritized his fear of rejection by a potential girlfriend over acknowledging his own children would, very frankly, disgust me.

    Thus, the problem is not only a serious deception. It's also your unwillingness to respect your own children.

    Get some help dealing with the loss of your brother, and your evidently very conflicted feelings about being a dad. You're not proud of the role, and you need to figure out why so you can learn to become the father they deserve and the man you likely want to be.

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