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Thread: Quick Rundown.. What to do?

  1. #1

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    Quick Rundown.. What to do?

    Backstory.

    2 year relationship.
    Ex and i started fighting alot the past months about issues of her not putting much effort into making me feel wanted as she once did, (lack of affection, general effort, physcial intimacy) *normal attraction fading signs* id go on the defense, lash out and question why she wouldn't make effort on many things..made her shutdown emotionally, so she says.

    She called it off two weeks ago. Saying its to stressful between us with everything going on her life, and her health issues and she cant handle us. Respected her decision, went full no contact. Told her we can work on things out and start on a clean slate and it could be better than ever we wont know till we try, and if she changed her mind about me to let me know.

    Proceeded to text me a week later *last weekend* asked how i was doing. I responded, "ya.. you to" Said she wasnt okay... that its hard for her.. made small talk.
    Saw her at the gym a few days after...asked her if she wanted to work things out ( as she left me on read explaining my feelings) she said "i dont wanna say yes or no"... .

    Said okay, well im not gonna sit here and make effort if you dont know, i cant stay in your life nor be your friend, but i feel we can work through this if we got together and talked, but if you really loved me and wanted me youd make this work with me like i am you. Dont text/talk to me unless its about seeing me or making effort to work things out, i cant stay in contact with you i gotta move on. Hugged me before she left.

    Days later *today* got a text that said "i know you dont want me to talk to you it upsets me that you dont think i dont want you or love you, if that wasnt the case this wouldnt be so hard on me"
    Didnt reply ( No effort or initiation or gave me the things i asked )
    Hours later
    "moved on" ?
    Didnt respond.

    Keep it moving / dont respond until she says lets get together / work things out?

    Funny how she can go days ignoring me.. but now that i haven't replied shes worrying / wondering. (power of no contact?) Confused as i do love the girl, id do anything for her. But if its not mutual i cant be the only one making this relationship work.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What did she used to do, for example, that she stopped doing?

    You can't change the way a person is. We all evolve over time and if you're not feeling it or if she doesn't want to be with you (has broken up with you), take the cue. This is your cue to pack up shop and move on. You shouldn't be waiting around for her to change her mind. Don't use 'no contact' as a manipulative tactic. Individuals don't contact each other after a break up because they should genuinely be healing and moving on (the relationship is truly over). Don't play mind games and have more respect for yourself. I think you know this already, by the way. Sometimes it helps to hear it from strangers.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the pain and confusion.

    That said, you sound clear-headed, and made your head clear to her. You are open to talking if it's about getting back together, but nothing else. Boom. That's the line, hold it, trusting that she has heard it.

    I've been in your shoes, when my last relationship ended, and years later I thank myself for holding that line. It was my truth, and the only truth, at the time. I ended up repeating it once or twice—it's a process, these things—but that was that. Anything on the other side of that line was treated exactly like that: not enough of a hook to hang myself on, nothing to engage in.

    She's flailing, as are you. Everyone flails post-breakup, and all flail differently. Her text to you today? Chalk that up as flailing, not a smoke signal to decode. It's just an outpouring of feeling—human, sure, but also not respectful of you and the truth you laid out. I'd take the little follow up ("moved on?") as more flailing, of a less savory variety: she wants to know you're still there, should she decide to sharpen her hook a bit. Also human, but not nice, not very mature.

    So, yes, I say you keep it moving. Take a few steps back, and I bet you can see that all this is not the foundation for a healthy reunion. If you're going to get back together, you want that fire to be built from different embers. These are the sorts that cause big fires that fade fast, leaving everyone a bit more burned.

    Sounds like there's already been a fair amount of burning. Heal that. As you heal, who knows? You may come to see that the thing you want back is actually the thing you want to let go of.

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for the pain and confusion.

    That said, you sound clear-headed, and made your head clear to her. You are open to talking if it's about getting back together, but nothing else. Boom. That's the line, hold it, trusting that she has heard it.

    I've been in your shoes, when my last relationship ended, and years later I thank myself for holding that line. It was my truth, and the only truth, at the time. I ended up repeating it once or twice—it's a process, these things—but that was that. Anything on the other side of that line was treated exactly like that: not enough of a hook to hang myself on, nothing to engage in.

    She's flailing, as are you. Everyone flails post-breakup, and all flail differently. Her text to you today? Chalk that up as flailing, not a smoke signal to decode. It's just an outpouring of feeling—human, sure, but also not respectful of you and the truth you laid out. I'd take the little follow up ("moved on?") as more flailing, of a less savory variety: she wants to know you're still there, should she decide to sharpen her hook a bit. Also human, but not nice, not very mature.

    So, yes, I say you keep it moving. Take a few steps back, and I bet you can see that all this is not the foundation for a healthy reunion. If you're going to get back together, you want that fire to be built from different embers. These are the sorts that cause big fires that fade fast, leaving everyone a bit more burned.

    Sounds like there's already been a fair amount of burning. Heal that. As you heal, who knows? You may come to see that the thing you want back is actually the thing you want to let go of.
    Very well put. Thank you sir.

    She just texted again "say something"

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I’m trying to do the math here, and I guess my ex ended up with you after we broke up? I remember that same text!

    I joke, as is my nature, as I think we all need to laugh when life sucks. I am sorry. I know your hurt is real, and this is confusing. Live a million years and it never gets less confusing. That’s why a site like this exists. Hugs, fist bump—your call.

    You can say something, or not. If you do, I just say express your truth, with concision: “I only have it in me to talk about us as a couple, working through this together. Thanks for understanding.” That’s your level, on the planet, and you need to be met there. Meeting anywhere else is a loss.

    Am I suggesting that? No. But if you can’t resist the trigger, as is human, fire cleanly. Your future self will thank you. Makes everything clear, for you. No need to decode, since the smoke signal stuff can go on forever. Some people only really know how to communicate via smoke signals, especially when they’re hurting, as she is, so if you validate that you just get hazy yourself. You make hurt your language.

    I say put the phone in another room, and put on a movie. There is better made drama out there than this, and you care about her more—and yourself—to indulge in drama, even if it would feel kinda sorta good for a few seconds.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I’m trying to do the math here, and I guess my ex ended up with you after we broke up? I remember that same text!

    I joke, as is my nature, as I think we all need to laugh when life sucks. I am sorry. I know your hurt is real, and this is confusing. Live a million years and it never gets less confusing. That’s why a site like this exists. Hugs, fist bump—your call.

    You can say something, or not. If you do, I just say express your truth, with concision: “I only have it in me to talk about us as a couple, working through this together. Thanks for understanding.” That’s your level, on the planet, and you need to be met there. Meeting anywhere else is a loss.

    Am I suggesting that? No. But if you can’t resist the trigger, as is human, fire cleanly. Your future self will thank you. Makes everything clear, for you. No need to decode, since the smoke signal stuff can go on forever. Some people only really know how to communicate via smoke signals, especially when they’re hurting, as she is, so if you validate that you just get hazy yourself. You make hurt your language.

    I say put the phone in another room, and put on a movie. There is better made drama out there than this, and you care about her more—and yourself—to indulge in drama, even if it would feel kinda sorta good for a few seconds.
    Word i was planning on sleeping on it for a day atleast.. not gonna respond.. she knows what i want.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're doing the right thing, Ekud.

    I agree with, Blue, you sound very level headed on how you're handling this and know what you want.
    She is trying to make sure you're still there but still is not willing to give you commitment or make the efforts you need.
    Not cool.

    The only thing you can possibly do is remind her of your stance, that you two work things out as a couple or no point in talking.

  9. #8
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    She's wasting your time OP whether she realises it or not. You have been very fair and direct and laid your cards on the table and she doesn't like it. She doesnt like it because she can't offer you what you want.

    If she wanted you all she has to do is say "I want to try" but she can't so that shows you where you 2 stand.

    This relationship is done but she doesn't want to lose your company but she has to for you to heal. She's trying to friendzone you and engage you in small talk.

    I would wish her the best and block and delete and move on. You have acted honestly and well in the break up. You will be fine.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you can't beat someone into finding you attractive or wanting to be affectionate toward you. In fact as you've seen it had the opposite effect. Nonetheless it sounds like she was tiptoeing out of the relationship for a while now and yet another argument just cemented her suspicions that she should end things.

    It seems like chronic conflict eroded whatever affection and attraction was there in the beginning. Perhaps it boils down to incompatibility. Do not contact her. Use this time to reflect and ponder what kind of women/relationships you want next time. It's over she is being vague to avoid conflict and confrontation, not to give you hope.
    Originally Posted by Ekud311
    Ex and i started fighting alot the past months about issues of her not putting much effort into making me feel wanted as she once did, (lack of affection, general effort, physcial intimacy) *normal attraction fading signs* id go on the defense, lash out and question why she wouldn't make effort on many things..made her shutdown emotionally, so she says.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I know what it feels like to not be a priority, because I was in a 1 year relationship where I was not. Probably because my self esteem wasn't as healthy as I'd thought at the time, and since I hoped for a change for the better, I was devastated when he broke up with me, and pleaded for reconciliation.

    When that didn't happen, I went through all the needed stages of recovery. No contact. Anger. Realization that I'd ignored red flags from day 1 and that I was the one who should've ended it during the first month of being together. Only with time and distance could I see things more clearly.

    Most exes will contact at some point or another. It happened about four months letter when he texted me. It really pissed me off because he didn't care that he intruded into my closure process, but I was strong enough emotionally and had come to my senses to say, "Actually, there's no need for us to talk because we're incompatible."

    At that time, I didn't have blocking technology on my phone, but if I had, I would've utilized it. Because it does set you back to square one, sometimes.

    You asked her many times for what you needed in your relationship and she didn't care enough to make you happy, assuming your requests were reasonable. One day, when you meet the right woman, you will be happy your ex became your ex. I know I was when I met my future husband, who has never disappointed in the priority department. Take care.

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