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Thread: Angry at me for being voice of reason

  1. #1

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    Angry at me for being voice of reason

    Iíll keep this story brief. My wife and I went to a park and to play a little bit of pitch and hit softball on the baseball field. On the way to the field, there is a dilapidated wall with some broken chunks of concrete. Some young kids (around adolescence or young teens) were playing unsupervised near there and apparently decided it would be fun to chuck these pieces of concrete against some trees. Unfortunately, we were walking by and one of these rocks hits my wife on the side of her neck

    This is where the story takes a turn. My wife is livid and goes after the kids with the bat she is holding. I hold her back and pull the bat from her hands. Sheís screaming at me to give her the bat back but Iím trying to keep her from doing something dramatically stupid. The kids run away. She gets fed up and returns immediately to the car. We didnít even get to play softball. She screamed at me for defending the kids and ďtaking their side.Ē They didnít get the justice they deserved. She hasnít spoken to me since.

    I never had a chance to say anything to the kids because I was too busy trying to calm her down. I did everything right but here we are.

    This is such a bizarre situation and I have no idea what to say to her. I thought her calming down would provide her some perspective on what I was doing but itís been over 24 hours.

    Weíve been married 6 years and while she has some anger issues, Iíve never seen her this angry at me. She genuinely feels betrayed. We didnít have any issues leading up to this and sheís never accused me of betraying her before. I mysteriously canít get into our shared online banking account and think she may have changed the password on me. Iím quite concerned at this point. I explained my rationale but that seemed to make things worse. Is there actually anything I can say or do? Or do I just need to cross my fingers, wait, and hope she comes to her senses

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    she has some anger issues,
    She is also quite irrational and unfortunately takes her 'chit' out on you. What was she going to do if you didn't stop her, wing them over the head with the bloody bat?

    Are you concerned that she might wipe out your joint finances or are you concerned about her anger issues?

  3. #3

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    Iím concerned that she is so angry sheís going to do something irrational like leave me over this. And she might be laying the groundwork for it.

    I would just like to diffuse this situation. At the same time, I canít apologize to her and be genuine. She completely snapped and I was protecting her.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Protecting her seems a little far-reaching. You weren't protecting anyone. What you did was instinctive and it was to prevent anyone from getting hurt including the others in the surrounding area.

    I'm going to be very honest: You're the one that sounds irrational because you mentioned you've had no issues leading up to this and she's never been this angry before. Why then would you jump to her being irrational and leaving you? Or is your marriage a lot rockier than you originally thought?

    If you can't be trusted with money, that's a separate issue (or if you're not working/contributing to the family funds also for example). Are you working? There are any number of issues why she might have changed the password. In her fit, she may have even tried to log in too many times and had someone (a bank rep) help her change to a new password. Don't jump to any conclusions at this time.

    1) figure out whether your marriage is worth saving and being more patient as things blow over
    2) acknowledge any issues you have in your marriage
    3) don't jump to conclusions
    4) talk it out together when the dust has settled and when you're both ready to talk about it (don't rush it)

    You can figure out the order on your own/ not exclusive to the numbering system above.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Has she shown this kind of unreasonableness throughout your six year marriage? If she would leave you over this then she's not much caring for you to begin with or she's so irrational in general that she can't see that you saved her from herself. Your actions were in defence of her by saving her from herself which is protecting her. She could have very well ended up in jail or at least charged with assault if she actually caught up to one of them and whacked him with that bat. I find her comment about you taking their side over her to be childish at best. She's too wrapped up in her own anger and victimhood to be reasonable about it.

    She would have been better off following the kid that hit her with the rock and taking their behavior to the parents to deal with. At least then she would have gotten her indignation off her chest. I'm assuming she really wasn't hurt all that bad.

    What is your relationship like in general?

    I don't think there is much else you can do since you've tried to explain your rational and she's too stubborn to see. All you can do really is see how she is with you once she calms down and get to the bank to see if she's done anything regarding your joint accounts or follow the steps to obtain a new password yourself and then let her know that new password so you don't set her off yet again. Did you tell her you've been unable to access the account? If so, what did she say.

  7. #6
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    It was a sensitive situation. Understandably she was hurt and mad. Also understandably you reacted impulsively and quickly to get the bat away from her. Kind of like watching someone get involved in a road rage incident - you do what you can to de-escalate in the moment. Also did she know they were trying to hit a tree and not throwing concrete at people or cars etc ? Did she know they were being silly and a bit reckless maybe but not meaning to hurt people or animals?
    What I would probably have done is that once the imminent danger wasnít there and things settled down explained calmly and without criticism why you felt like you had to do what you did. Factually and objectively. Look hindsight is 20/20 I get it. Her reaction with the finances is timely alarming if this is an isolated incident. It doesnít add up. I feel like thereís more to the story.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Protecting her seems a little far-reaching. You weren't protecting anyone. What you did was instinctive and it was to prevent anyone from getting hurt including the others in the surrounding area.

    I'm going to be very honest: You're the one that sounds irrational because you mentioned you've had no issues leading up to this and she's never been this angry before. Why then would you jump to her being irrational and leaving you? Or is your marriage a lot rockier than you originally thought?

    If you can't be trusted with money, that's a separate issue (or if you're not working/contributing to the family funds also for example). Are you working? There are any number of issues why she might have changed the password. In her fit, she may have even tried to log in too many times and had someone (a bank rep) help her change to a new password. Don't jump to any conclusions at this time.

    1) figure out whether your marriage is worth saving and being more patient as things blow over
    2) acknowledge any issues you have in your marriage
    3) don't jump to conclusions
    4) talk it out together when the dust has settled and when you're both ready to talk about it (don't rush it)

    You can figure out the order on your own/ not exclusive to the numbering system above.
    I was protecting her from making a bad and potentially life-altering decision. You can call it something else but I just chose the word protect. The point in that statement was to highlight that I was thinking about her, not the kids.

    I jumped to the concern with her leaving me because Iíve never seen her angry to this degree. Going after kids with a bat was quite a decision that makes me concerned sheís unstable at the moment and can make more impulsive decisions. Maybe Iím being irrational about the bank account but its just an odd coincidence given all the circumstances. And yes I have a job, weíre 50-50 in terms of what we bring in and what we spend. She handles the finances though and I follow along.

    I appreciate the feedback though. Iím trying to be patient but I feel like I got punched in the stomach.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Ok... thanks for sharing a bit more. Sorry - I'm not understanding how one incident could lead to a partner assuming their spouse is unstable or impulsive. Does she have a history of any mood disorders or psychiatric disorders? If I counted how many times my husband and I have lost it with each other about numerous, stupid things over the years, we would have probably divorced each other 30,000 times or more. Some people have bad days and some are good days. Practice a bit more tolerance and patience for each other.

    If she does need some professional help or if either of you have some history with your mental health, maybe it's not a bad idea to book a time with your doctors. Otherwise, I wouldn't suggest she's unstable or irrational. There is nothing more infuriating or cause for greater escalation and anger in an argument than implying that the other party is mentally incapacitated or without sense.

    I would probably try and diffuse the situation by letting the dust settle and then validating what the other person has to say and re-evaluating (as Batya did above) the situation, giving credit where credit is due and taking into consideration all moving parts in the situation.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It was a sensitive situation. Understandably she was hurt and mad. Also understandably you reacted impulsively and quickly to get the bat away from her. Kind of like watching someone get involved in a road rage incident - you do what you can to de-escalate in the moment. Also did she know they were trying to hit a tree and not throwing concrete at people or cars etc ? Did she know they were being silly and a bit reckless maybe but not meaning to hurt people or animals?
    What I would probably have done is that once the imminent danger wasnít there and things settled down explained calmly and without criticism why you felt like you had to do what you did. Factually and objectively. Look hindsight is 20/20 I get it. Her reaction with the finances is timely alarming if this is an isolated incident. It doesnít add up. I feel like thereís more to the story.
    I donít know if she knew their intent. Frankly I donít even know. Iím making an assumption it wasnít intentional based on their reaction and the benefit of the doubt that someone wouldnít do that to someone else anyway.

    I mean, thatís the full story. Some of these other questions about whether our marriage is rockier than I realize, I canít really answer that because I donít know what I donít know. It certainly has its ups and downs but I didnít feel we were in a bad place. She hasnít indicated anything else was wrong. I really do think she feels like I broke some code of partnership or trust by not siding with her.

    Iím just deeply upset about this because I want us to get back to normal but she wonít give me the time of day.

    I appreciate your feedback

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Hope your finances end up alright.

    I'll be honest. If my wife were to ever grab a bat and chase after children after getting struck by a peddle, we'd be done. Don't have time in my life for someone like that. It's incredibly irrational. It's dangerous to the physical well being of children. And it carries an extreme potential to sink both of you in legal fees. That she can't within 24 hours reconcile with how ****ing goofy her actions were is mind-numbing.

    Do what you gotta do. For both her sake and that of the general public, I hope she pulls her head out her ass. I wouldn't be the one to beg or put the effort in, though. If the indisputable absurdity behind her actions isn't something she can understand inherently, she needs a whole lot more help than a pep talk.

    And even were she to miraculously come around, I wouldn't settle for anything less than marriage counseling and her undergoing a pretty extensive anger management regimen.

    Also, you can reset the password just the same. If it doesn't work out online, call in and verify your identity.

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