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Angry at me for being voice of reason


Ttpj

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I’ll keep this story brief. My wife and I went to a park and to play a little bit of pitch and hit softball on the baseball field. On the way to the field, there is a dilapidated wall with some broken chunks of concrete. Some young kids (around adolescence or young teens) were playing unsupervised near there and apparently decided it would be fun to chuck these pieces of concrete against some trees. Unfortunately, we were walking by and one of these rocks hits my wife on the side of her neck

 

This is where the story takes a turn. My wife is livid and goes after the kids with the bat she is holding. I hold her back and pull the bat from her hands. She’s screaming at me to give her the bat back but I’m trying to keep her from doing something dramatically stupid. The kids run away. She gets fed up and returns immediately to the car. We didn’t even get to play softball. She screamed at me for defending the kids and “taking their side.” They didn’t get the justice they deserved. She hasn’t spoken to me since.

 

I never had a chance to say anything to the kids because I was too busy trying to calm her down. I did everything right but here we are.

 

This is such a bizarre situation and I have no idea what to say to her. I thought her calming down would provide her some perspective on what I was doing but it’s been over 24 hours.

 

We’ve been married 6 years and while she has some anger issues, I’ve never seen her this angry at me. She genuinely feels betrayed. We didn’t have any issues leading up to this and she’s never accused me of betraying her before. I mysteriously can’t get into our shared online banking account and think she may have changed the password on me. I’m quite concerned at this point. I explained my rationale but that seemed to make things worse. Is there actually anything I can say or do? Or do I just need to cross my fingers, wait, and hope she comes to her senses

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she has some anger issues,
She is also quite irrational and unfortunately takes her 'chit' out on you. What was she going to do if you didn't stop her, wing them over the head with the bloody bat?

 

Are you concerned that she might wipe out your joint finances or are you concerned about her anger issues?

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I’m concerned that she is so angry she’s going to do something irrational like leave me over this. And she might be laying the groundwork for it.

 

I would just like to diffuse this situation. At the same time, I can’t apologize to her and be genuine. She completely snapped and I was protecting her.

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Protecting her seems a little far-reaching. You weren't protecting anyone. What you did was instinctive and it was to prevent anyone from getting hurt including the others in the surrounding area.

 

I'm going to be very honest: You're the one that sounds irrational because you mentioned you've had no issues leading up to this and she's never been this angry before. Why then would you jump to her being irrational and leaving you? Or is your marriage a lot rockier than you originally thought?

 

If you can't be trusted with money, that's a separate issue (or if you're not working/contributing to the family funds also for example). Are you working? There are any number of issues why she might have changed the password. In her fit, she may have even tried to log in too many times and had someone (a bank rep) help her change to a new password. Don't jump to any conclusions at this time.

 

1) figure out whether your marriage is worth saving and being more patient as things blow over

2) acknowledge any issues you have in your marriage

3) don't jump to conclusions

4) talk it out together when the dust has settled and when you're both ready to talk about it (don't rush it)

 

You can figure out the order on your own/ not exclusive to the numbering system above.

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Has she shown this kind of unreasonableness throughout your six year marriage? If she would leave you over this then she's not much caring for you to begin with or she's so irrational in general that she can't see that you saved her from herself. Your actions were in defence of her by saving her from herself which is protecting her. She could have very well ended up in jail or at least charged with assault if she actually caught up to one of them and whacked him with that bat. I find her comment about you taking their side over her to be childish at best. She's too wrapped up in her own anger and victimhood to be reasonable about it.

 

She would have been better off following the kid that hit her with the rock and taking their behavior to the parents to deal with. At least then she would have gotten her indignation off her chest. I'm assuming she really wasn't hurt all that bad.

 

What is your relationship like in general?

 

I don't think there is much else you can do since you've tried to explain your rational and she's too stubborn to see. All you can do really is see how she is with you once she calms down and get to the bank to see if she's done anything regarding your joint accounts or follow the steps to obtain a new password yourself and then let her know that new password so you don't set her off yet again. Did you tell her you've been unable to access the account? If so, what did she say.

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It was a sensitive situation. Understandably she was hurt and mad. Also understandably you reacted impulsively and quickly to get the bat away from her. Kind of like watching someone get involved in a road rage incident - you do what you can to de-escalate in the moment. Also did she know they were trying to hit a tree and not throwing concrete at people or cars etc ? Did she know they were being silly and a bit reckless maybe but not meaning to hurt people or animals?

What I would probably have done is that once the imminent danger wasn’t there and things settled down explained calmly and without criticism why you felt like you had to do what you did. Factually and objectively. Look hindsight is 20/20 I get it. Her reaction with the finances is timely alarming if this is an isolated incident. It doesn’t add up. I feel like there’s more to the story.

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Protecting her seems a little far-reaching. You weren't protecting anyone. What you did was instinctive and it was to prevent anyone from getting hurt including the others in the surrounding area.

 

I'm going to be very honest: You're the one that sounds irrational because you mentioned you've had no issues leading up to this and she's never been this angry before. Why then would you jump to her being irrational and leaving you? Or is your marriage a lot rockier than you originally thought?

 

If you can't be trusted with money, that's a separate issue (or if you're not working/contributing to the family funds also for example). Are you working? There are any number of issues why she might have changed the password. In her fit, she may have even tried to log in too many times and had someone (a bank rep) help her change to a new password. Don't jump to any conclusions at this time.

 

1) figure out whether your marriage is worth saving and being more patient as things blow over

2) acknowledge any issues you have in your marriage

3) don't jump to conclusions

4) talk it out together when the dust has settled and when you're both ready to talk about it (don't rush it)

 

You can figure out the order on your own/ not exclusive to the numbering system above.

 

I was protecting her from making a bad and potentially life-altering decision. You can call it something else but I just chose the word protect. The point in that statement was to highlight that I was thinking about her, not the kids.

 

I jumped to the concern with her leaving me because I’ve never seen her angry to this degree. Going after kids with a bat was quite a decision that makes me concerned she’s unstable at the moment and can make more impulsive decisions. Maybe I’m being irrational about the bank account but its just an odd coincidence given all the circumstances. And yes I have a job, we’re 50-50 in terms of what we bring in and what we spend. She handles the finances though and I follow along.

 

I appreciate the feedback though. I’m trying to be patient but I feel like I got punched in the stomach.

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Ok... thanks for sharing a bit more. Sorry - I'm not understanding how one incident could lead to a partner assuming their spouse is unstable or impulsive. Does she have a history of any mood disorders or psychiatric disorders? If I counted how many times my husband and I have lost it with each other about numerous, stupid things over the years, we would have probably divorced each other 30,000 times or more. Some people have bad days and some are good days. Practice a bit more tolerance and patience for each other.

 

If she does need some professional help or if either of you have some history with your mental health, maybe it's not a bad idea to book a time with your doctors. Otherwise, I wouldn't suggest she's unstable or irrational. There is nothing more infuriating or cause for greater escalation and anger in an argument than implying that the other party is mentally incapacitated or without sense.

 

I would probably try and diffuse the situation by letting the dust settle and then validating what the other person has to say and re-evaluating (as Batya did above) the situation, giving credit where credit is due and taking into consideration all moving parts in the situation.

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It was a sensitive situation. Understandably she was hurt and mad. Also understandably you reacted impulsively and quickly to get the bat away from her. Kind of like watching someone get involved in a road rage incident - you do what you can to de-escalate in the moment. Also did she know they were trying to hit a tree and not throwing concrete at people or cars etc ? Did she know they were being silly and a bit reckless maybe but not meaning to hurt people or animals?

What I would probably have done is that once the imminent danger wasn’t there and things settled down explained calmly and without criticism why you felt like you had to do what you did. Factually and objectively. Look hindsight is 20/20 I get it. Her reaction with the finances is timely alarming if this is an isolated incident. It doesn’t add up. I feel like there’s more to the story.

 

I don’t know if she knew their intent. Frankly I don’t even know. I’m making an assumption it wasn’t intentional based on their reaction and the benefit of the doubt that someone wouldn’t do that to someone else anyway.

 

I mean, that’s the full story. Some of these other questions about whether our marriage is rockier than I realize, I can’t really answer that because I don’t know what I don’t know. It certainly has its ups and downs but I didn’t feel we were in a bad place. She hasn’t indicated anything else was wrong. I really do think she feels like I broke some code of partnership or trust by not siding with her.

 

I’m just deeply upset about this because I want us to get back to normal but she won’t give me the time of day.

 

I appreciate your feedback

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Hope your finances end up alright.

 

I'll be honest. If my wife were to ever grab a bat and chase after children after getting struck by a peddle, we'd be done. Don't have time in my life for someone like that. It's incredibly irrational. It's dangerous to the physical well being of children. And it carries an extreme potential to sink both of you in legal fees. That she can't within 24 hours reconcile with how ****ing goofy her actions were is mind-numbing.

 

Do what you gotta do. For both her sake and that of the general public, I hope she pulls her head out her ass. I wouldn't be the one to beg or put the effort in, though. If the indisputable absurdity behind her actions isn't something she can understand inherently, she needs a whole lot more help than a pep talk.

 

And even were she to miraculously come around, I wouldn't settle for anything less than marriage counseling and her undergoing a pretty extensive anger management regimen.

 

Also, you can reset the password just the same. If it doesn't work out online, call in and verify your identity.

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Update: she just told me she’s leaving me. My fears realized. I can’t stop crying.

 

I will be deleting this later tonight for privacy reasons but thought I would share with you folks who listened.

 

I’m just devastated. I can’t stop thinking if I stopped to get coffee or drove slower, the whole situation wouldn’t have happened and this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know what to do now

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If she had one foot out the door, anything you might have done (coffee, driving slower etc) wouldn't have made a difference. There are clearly some serious issues in the marriage, perhaps a lot more serious than you anticipated. I'm sorry this is happening. Find a lawyer and make sure you take care of yourself. There's a time out for editing threads. If you want to delete this later message a moderator and they will decide how to go about your request but generally threads are not deleted. If you can I would go back and delete the content in your posts by editing them and removing the text if you still able to.

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Update: she just told me she’s leaving me. My fears realized. I can’t stop crying.

 

I will be deleting this later tonight for privacy reasons but thought I would share with you folks who listened.

 

I’m just devastated. I can’t stop thinking if I stopped to get coffee or drove slower, the whole situation wouldn’t have happened and this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know what to do now

I guess this is why you haven't answered any of the questions I posed as to how your relationship has been in general because it hasn't been great apparently. Clearly she has had an inkling to leave way before this incident. This situation was just the straw that broke the camel's back it appears. If you stopped to get coffee and you avoided those children likely all that would have done is delayed the inevitable.

 

I'm sorry it's come to this but time to get yourself to the bank and make it so she can't walk off with all the joint finances and then see a lawyer about your rights and obligations. If you can't get to the bank right now then go online and change the password by hitting the "forgot my password" function and getting a reset code emailed to you.

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If I had to guess, your relationship has been full of drama for a long time, with you tiptoeing on eggshells around her.

 

I would also guess you had an idea prior to this that she wanted out of the marriage. It was odd to me that you jumped to that conclusion so quickly, so I had to assume you already had reason to believe it was over for her.

 

Call a lawyer and your bank.

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She sounds like she has serious issues..sorry but she does.

 

These are kids. No, it's not okay what they did, but nor is attacking kids and ending up with an assault charge or worse, in jail.

How she reacted was senseless and even dangerous.

You did the right thing in stopping her. She sounds like she needs some kind of counselling and anger management.

 

Just read your update. She's using this incident as an excuse to end the marriage. It must have been on her mind for a long time now. You don't leave a partner you love over something

like this.

But to be honest, it's her that has very bad issues going on, not you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I hope somehow it can be fixed but unless she gets the help she needs, it won't be.

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Sorry to hear this. Was she injured? Did you go to an ER? She overreacted when it would have been best to call the police and report the vandalism as well as go to an ER and have her checked out. Unfortunately there was no one with the voice of reason in this situation, except preventing more violence on top of vandalism and her injury.

 

On another note her violent temper seems to be an unaddressed issue. This incident seems like more of a symptom of bigger problems between you two. You need to stop over explaining this and talking at her. Let her cool off then make an appt with a marriage therapist to address what is really underlying all this..

 

She's not going to leave you over a group of vandals. She's going to leave you because things have been brewing for quite some time.

Unfortunately, we were walking by and one of these rocks hits my wife on the side of her neck. We didn’t even get to play softball. She screamed at me for defending the kids and “taking their side.” We’ve been married 6 years and while she has some anger issues, I’ve never seen her this angry at me. I explained my rationale but that seemed to make things worse.
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Update: she just told me she’s leaving me. My fears realized. I can’t stop crying.

 

I will be deleting this later tonight for privacy reasons but thought I would share with you folks who listened.

 

I’m just devastated. I can’t stop thinking if I stopped to get coffee or drove slower, the whole situation wouldn’t have happened and this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know what to do now

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

I'll echo the others in that I wouldn't isolate this incident as the sole cause for her seemingly impromptu decision. I don't know you, and beyond this incident and your very vague description, I don't know your marriage. None of this is to exonerate you from introspection. Do your best to secure your finances and get representation. I however wouldn't underplay the significance of the incident. In pretty much any context, and in particular this one, it takes a very mentally unhinged individual to grab a weapon and charge at young adolescents. Insofar as a capacity to threaten or in fact very possibly inflict violence unto children is concerned, that's a character trait, not a marriage issue.

 

If she's serious about her decision, expect her anger issues to fully translate into the divorce proceedings. Should she return and you still desire to work things out with this ticking time bomb of an individual, marriage counseling for the both of you and anger management for her should be a must.

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I agree with all the others that her decision is not based on this incident and I bet her reaction had less to do with the kids/her injury and more to do with bottled up anger and tension and she snapped -which is NOT right on her part at all! - but I think this was the last straw/these kids were the scapegoat. i'm glad she wasn't injured and I'm glad the kids weren't harmed -if they had intended to hurt your wife then certainly there should have been repercussions -not self help but a call to 911 maybe so they couldn't hurt anyone else.

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Just putting this out there but her behaviour is not normal. I think she needs an assessment done. She has mental illness, PTSD, a possible brain tumour to explain this aggressive behaviour and irrational thought process.There is something going on, and it has nothing to do with your decision to step in to avoid a disaster. My gosh she would have been arrested and a possible lawsuit. I hope she gets help.

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I'm sorry to hear this.

 

I'll echo the others in that I wouldn't isolate this incident as the sole cause for her seemingly impromptu decision. I don't know you, and beyond this incident and your very vague description, I don't know your marriage. None of this is to exonerate you from introspection. Do your best to secure your finances and get representation. I however wouldn't underplay the significance of the incident. In pretty much any context, and in particular this one, it takes a very mentally unhinged individual to grab a weapon and charge at young adolescents. Insofar as a capacity to threaten or in fact very possibly inflict violence unto children is concerned, that's a character trait, not a marriage issue.

 

If she's serious about her decision, expect her anger issues to fully translate into the divorce proceedings. Should she return and you still desire to work things out with this ticking time bomb of an individual, marriage counseling for the both of you and anger management for her should be a must.

 

^^^^^ This is spot on, especially this: In pretty much any context, and in particular this one, it takes a very mentally unhinged individual to grab a weapon and charge at young adolescents. I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope things work out for you, one way or another.

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My husband would have followed them, grab them, and make them apologize. But he'd never physically hurt kids, just scare them a bit, but he'd also wouldn't do it with a weapon. So instead of yelling at the kids, you treated her like she was a maniac about to give some kids a beatdown. I wasn't there, but it sounds you just assumed she couldn't handle herself, and she thinks you weren't there to defend her. So, I don't know. But I'm sure that's how she sees it. She just needs time to cool down. And in the meantime, you should get your own user id; don't use the same ones to access the account.

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My husband would have followed them, grab them, and make them apologize. But he'd never physically hurt kids, just scare them a bit, but he'd also wouldn't do it with a weapon. So instead of yelling at the kids, you treated her like she was a maniac about to give some kids a beatdown. I wasn't there, but it sounds you just assumed she couldn't handle herself, and she thinks you weren't there to defend her. So, I don't know. But I'm sure that's how she sees it. She just needs time to cool down. And in the meantime, you should get your own user id; don't use the same ones to access the account.

 

Yes but in this situation he first had to deal with his wife's imminent violence with a bat/weapon against these kids before dealing with the rest. I'm sure his adrenaline was going. If she'd simply gone over there and told them off my sense is he would have accompanied her and backed her up. It required quick thinking in a tense situation. I agree that he should have explained to her that of course he felt badly that she was hit/injured and of course they should apologize even if they didn't aim at her, but in the moment he had to make sure she didn't hit them with their bat.

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