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Thread: Are we still just friends? Or are we less?

  1. #1
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    Are we still just friends? Or are we less?

    2016-17
    3 years back, met an insanely beautiful ex-model who started grad school at my college, where I am a research student, at a session I ran at this jobs related club. She liked my session enough to ask to stay in touch and a few days later, asked to be trained for job interviews - which I accepted as long as it was in a group.
    Did a few group mentoring sessions that she pulled together - the group became friendly and a tad social, so I hung out a little and purposely ignored an obvious attraction that had built up from her side - I actually don't like her that much (See below for why). I watched from the sides as she dumped her boyfriend and paired up with a classmate [ both were hunks, socially pleasing, rich and not as intelligent as her]. This ends with her getting a fabulous job. She likes me, likes my reserve with her which she thinks is shyness, and is intrigued that I am one of the very few people that has not hit on her. I am interested in someone else, by the way.

    About Her
    Ex-model is a misnomer -she did that for money, and is otherwise a design student with a great portfolio, comes from a really wealthy family (doesn't need to work for money) and has interests in linguistics, free speech, Greek philosophy and French literature. Former gymnast and lacrosse player as well. Ignores rules, tells small lies all the time, can't hear no, takes over and dominates a group situation all the time, wants the best professional job out there at any cost, cheats on exams/job screens, and is not liked by most girls. End justifies the means type of outlook.
    At the same time, is deeply into meditation and values relationships, (now) hates modelling, craves for acceptance from more people (especially women) has a child-like innocence that springs up from time to time, and a strong maternal instinct as well.

    2017-18
    We keep in touch, meet in a few social gatherings, am still not interested in her, and she's with her classmate/ boyfriend.
    We chat a little bit from time to time - it's clear that I am interested in another girl that I have been seeing lately.
    2018-19
    She has a major work crisis and reaches out for help, and so I spent hours and hours helping her out. Her classmate/boyfriend switches jobs and countries. She's grateful. I am still not interested. She asks if we are good friends - I tell her no, just friends. She thinks it's really harsh of me to say that.
    2019-20
    She quits her job, goes in search of life's meaning, and does a short course in psychology. We are still in touch. She takes relationship advice from time to time as she trusts my judgement. The psychology course does wonders of sorts. She is now clearer in her communication and utterly honest about who she is - dominating, guileful etc. She is not sure of what she wants to become (philosopher, mathematician, art gallery owner), but she wants peace and harmony around her, and in honest communication.

    I end a casual dating relationship that I had with another girl.

    We start to hang out more and more. We meet every day. We exchange over 20 messages a day. She shares intimate details of her past- like really really intimate. I do the same. I am still doing my research, and she's back on campus, doing some part-time work. I am doing well, by the way, winning awards and competitions and she finds that attractive. She likes winners, she's candid enough to say.
    She has another major crisis and is stressed out. Again looks to me for advice. Again I end up spending hours and hours advising her and charting a path for her. She's grateful and acknowledges that my stamp is all over her. She says that she has realised from small small things I have done that I care for her. She says this with a smile. I am not certain that I care deeply. I tell her that I am a compassionate person.

    She wants to "copy" me - wants to go to every forum and event and competition that I go to, wants to be on my team, wants to be introduced to the successful people I know. I start inviting her to some dinners with my professional circle.
    I still don't like a lot about her, but do like the honest communication - am a sucker for it.
    We have long deep genuine conversations about relationships in general. She likes it a lot and shares family photos, childhood photos, her favorite songs etc.
    I do the same. She is quite open to talk about her family and her childhood and to hear about my mine.

    I tell her I can share my highs with anyone, but want to find someone who will share my lows. She says she'll share my lows.

    She makes me take a psychometric test to see how I score compared to her. I indulge her. We are similar on some things and quite dissimilar on others. She wants someone very similar to her, and yet, appreciates that we are complementary. She's a little confused, I think.

    She moves to end long distance relationship with her classmate - it's lingering on, but she has moved on.
    She has met a guy that she sort of likes- he is goofy and funny, and he used a cheesy pickup line on her to which she was surprised that she was happy to respond. She is seeing him upto several times a week - they do interesting, funny goofy things when they hang out. She's going with him for a holiday at the end of the year. He'll make her do even more goofy things, and that is the exact reason why she is going. And he's exactly like her on the psychometric test. I ask her if 2020 is going to be about this goofy new guy. She says she doesn't know, but she finds him handsome and she'll take a few pictures of him - he'll model for the photographer in her. She loves to be behind the camera these days.

    I ask her if we should talk about things a little because I have been a constant presence in her life for 3 years now. I tell her that we should end a few things. She still wants to hang out with me and my social/professional network, and she doesn't want to define anything - just go with the flow. She has an obvious attraction to me - and now our chats are helping her re-discover a deeply intimate and private side to herself.
    She's also invited herself to 2 projects that I am doing on campus
    At times she shows an enormous interest in me, her eyes follow me around, and at other times she winks and tells me to get a French lover.

    2020 - 21
    What should I make of this situation?

  2. #2
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    You are quite the eloquent writer. When you say you want to end a few things, what does than mean, exactly? What do you want with her? Can you define it? To thine own self be true.

    Otherwise, it sounds like this woman has a flirtatious nature and way of dealing with men that she has learned gets her what she wants. She may be puzzled as to why it doesn't totally work on you. This is not the same as being interested, though. She is not used to being distanced by men is my read.

  3. #3
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    That reads like cliffnotes for worthwhile novel. Thanks for sharing the story!
    I am inclined to think that you would be wise to keep your feelings in check, possibly pull back a bit.
    She seems like someone who takes getting her way very naturally, so why wouldn't you go the next step? Because this is just how she wants it.
    If she wanted more from you she would have let you know by now.
    Nothing personal, you fit a thing she wanted, if you go beyond that I'm pretty sure you will not like the results.
    But then what do I really know? Maybe I'm totally wrong and giving you terrible advice.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Curious to know if she's younger than you, though it doesn't change the general tenor of what I see here.

    It's not really so complicated, is it? You're smart and eloquent enough to give it some flair—appreciate all that, by the way—but this is a kind of friendships and flirtationship. There's plenty genuine there, but there's also the insincere edge you both enjoy and cultivate. That's the simulacrum stuff, where you can each use each other to play out little fantasies, indulge in certain "feelings" and "experiments" in a laboratory of two made safe because the exit doors are always marked, and wide open.

    Million dollar question, evaded in your words, is: What do you want?

    Were I to venture a hypothesis? Well, this part isn't as gentle. I'd say you are feeling her outgrowing you, a bit, as well as feeling yourself outgrowing her, and you don't like that. You want to nudge the compass back, just a touch, so your place in her life is as it was—pure sparkles, no grit. But you're not a fool, grit is grit, so you're also thinking of distancing yourself a bit—so, who knows, maybe you have room to enjoy something less fluttery and more genuine. You're just not quite ready to draw that hard line in the sand, even if it meant a more genuine friendship, because the sparkles are nice. And here you are.

    Observations? If I was reading the above as a piece of literature, I would say the protagonist (you) holds his own worth at a level approximately twice as high as the level of the heroine's (her). I'd say he sees her more as character in his personal story, than a woman carving out her own—and in that there is the hitch: she polishes his shine, but the price of that polish is disrespect. He is not quite capable of respecting her, as person. Close, but not quite. He takes her half as seriously as he takes himself, and both he and she knows this. They have found ways to play on that jagged edge, and grow a bit, but a jagged edge is a jagged edge. To grow even taller, and richer, they need to let go—at least for a good stretch.

    But can their human hearts and human bodies and human egos handle that? That is the stuff for the third act, so ask yourself: What story do you want to write?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you've been friends for a long time but it never made it to the dating arena. Just curious what type of journal format/outline this is with 2020-2021 already entered? Are you setting up a manuscript for a novel?
    Originally Posted by NycGuy2019
    2016-17
    We keep in touch, meet in a few social gatherings, am still not interested in her, and she's with her classmate/ boyfriend.
    2018-19
    She has a major work crisis and reaches out for help, and so I spent hours and hours helping her out.
    2019-20
    She quits her job, goes in search of life's meaning, and does a short course in psychology.
    2020 - 21
    What should I make of this situation?

  7. #6
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    If you didn't "like her a lot," then why were you exchanging 20 messages and sharing intimate details? Also, why this in depth story about her character and life? You seem very invested for someone you claim to not really like or respect.

    I also find it odd that you have tell us how compassionate, giving and successful you are in school. It is not relevant. Modesty is a big plus in my book.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    What should I make of this situation?
    That she is manipulating you into Life Coaching her through things she isn't confident enough or has networked enough to form on her own and she pays you for your services by stroking your ego?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    That she is manipulating you into Life Coaching her through things she isn't confident enough or has networked enough to form on her own and she pays you for your services by stroking your ego?
    Locked, loaded, direct hit with a single sentence fired from the rifle of wisdom.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    ... lol ...

  11. #10
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    Wow , ThatwasThen!
    Well said ... so spot on ! Just wow !

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