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Thread: Should I break off the engagement ?

  1. #1

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    Should I break off the engagement ?

    When I met my fiancé I knew he liked to drink. We were in our 20’s so I didn’t think anything of it. I started noticing that when he started he couldn’t just have a few. It was a lot usually to the point of him being drunk every time he drank. I left him after three years of lying about how much he drank and staying out until 3, 4 sometimes 5 am and coming home drunkWe got back together after 6 months. He showed me that his drinking slowed down a lot and he was willing to put in the work or so I thought. He stayed like that for about two years and still drank but definitely had cut down and we got engaged. The last 6-8 months , he has had times where he’s drinking 2-3 times a week then it slows down usually when I say something. A few weeks ago he was drinking at a work party , went to his brothers after and told me he would be home soon. He never came home. He fell asleep there and apologized and I had a serious talk that he needs to fix this now or we are not getting married. He agreed. Two weeks later he was out, texted me at 10pm to say he was having a drink with his boss(a big alcoholic) and I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. He came home at 3am went right to the couch and didn’t say anything until 10 am when he texted me from work just “good morning”. He doesn’t think it is a problem because it is only ever beer and it’s not everyday. I told him I am done with this packed my things when he wasn’t home and went back to my parents. I just moved in with him and it’s the same thing. His father has stage 4 cancer so I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t take it anymore. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    This isn't a problem that you or he can solve without outside help. If he truly wants to stop drinking (which he probably doesn't) he's going to need some intervention like AA.

    Don't let him make excuses about his father's health issues. You don't want to marry a man who doesn't have a backbone to stand up and face the issues he has with a crutch. I hate to say it, but I think you might be better off without him.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I had a serious talk that he needs to fix this now or we are not getting married. He agreed.
    Good for you for saying what you mean and (hopefully) meaning what you say. To go back to him now will clearly tell him that you are just fine with his alcoholism and that will give him the green light to never change. Don't enable him or he will never get the rehab and counselling and support (like AA) that he needs to stop his addiction.

    Break up with him and tell him that if he's been to rehab, is clean and sober for at the very least a year and you are still single then you will go out for a coffee with him and see if the attraction is still there. That means no contact while he recovers.

    Let him hit his rock bottom and if he never does, then you will be very glad that you're not in his life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Most alcoholics deny having a problem. You will never be able to fix him. Stop. You are not responsible for his bad habits or whatever the consequences of his drinking are. His friends and family can help him with family problems, support, grief, etc. Stop ruining your life with this. He will not get better because he doesn't think he has a problem.

    Look up AlAnon. It is a support group for people involved with alcoholics. All alcohols blame others. Their primary relationship is with booze, everyone else is just a pawn to that end. You are nothing to him, he would rather spend time with his bottles. You know this.

    Alcoholics not only ruin their own lives and health they ruin the lives and health of everyone around them. And they do not care because they only care about booze and themselves.
    Originally Posted by Llm
    He came home at 3am went right to the couch and didn’t say anything until 10 am when he texted me from work just “good morning”. I told him I am done with this packed my things when he wasn’t home and went back to my parents.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Often when we ask certain questions—like "should I break off the engagement?"—it's because we already know the answer. So: what do you think?

    Taking a generous view here, with your own health and happiness the focus, the big issue here at the moment is not his drinking but your problem with his drinking. Because if he doesn't think it's a problem—well, then it's not, while you know it's a real problem, for you. And if you two can't compromise so it's not a problem in the relationship? That is the definition of an impasse on the compatibility front. Replace "drinking" with "only likes sex once a month in one position" and it's the same thing: two people who don't work.

    This is kind of that simple—and, of course, more complicated, in that it sounds like he has a real problem that he won't recognize. Obvious evidence of a drinking problem? It's not how much you drink, but if your drinking is pushing away the people who love you. His is. Except he doesn't really know that—because so long as you are there, or even near, it keeps that knowledge from ever sinking in, really.

    It sucks. It sucks to want to help someone, and be there, when your helping and being there is the one thing that makes that true help impossible. This is the havoc of substance abuse, and it's ugly stuff. But your own health and happiness are real things, and they deserve your protection—so, yes, I think you've done the right thing in moving out. For you. And for him.

    I say the thing to do, now, is keep walking on the path you're on. Let him know why you're on it—that you can only see yourself with him if he stops drinking, for good—and then keep moving. If, as TwT said, he goes 12 months sober, wants to meet up, maybe you guys say hi and see what's there, then. But until then you have to take care of yourself. AlAnon, as Wiseman said, is a terrific resource during these times. I second doing some exploration there.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Awesome post, Blue but I suggest she don't even take him back after a year sober if he hasn't done a goodly stint in either professional therapy or the support of a 12 step programme such as AA. He will need to replace a bad habit with a good one and the habit of relying on fellow addicts of alcohol for support and guidance will be a good habit that will help him to keep his sobriety. It will be far too easy for him to slip back into his drinking if he doesn't have the tools to keep him on the wagon and the knowledge of why drinking is his go to to begin with.

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    The problem also is that everyone around him drinks excessively. His father, his brother, friends , coworkers it’s everywhere.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In his world. But what about you?
    Originally Posted by Llm
    The problem also is that everyone around him drinks excessively. His father, his brother, friends , coworkers it’s everywhere.

  10. #9

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    I used to drink more when I met him in my 20’s. Drinking just doesn’t appeal to me at all anymore. I do maybe once a month if that. I am in the medical field and have alcoholism all throughout my family, so I have seen what it does to people.

  11. #10
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    The fact that he doesn't see it as a problem in your indication that this is what married life would look like with him, too. He is surrounded by people who share that lifestyle, so the likelihood of him actually changing and sticking to it is slim. He enjoys it too much and is socializes with people who enable it. I have a hard time imagining he will ever agree to treatment, to be honest.

    It is sad that his father is very sick and I don't doubt he is struggling with that and leaning on booze even more to distract him. However, it seems the frequent binges have been an issue all along, even prior to his dad's illness. Is that correct?

    At the end of the day, this a serious incompatibility. It is not the foundation on which to build a marriage. What was his response when you left?

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