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Thread: Should I break off the engagement ?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You sound like a very bright and brave women. You will be happy in the future that you had this strength. While I don't care for the word "deserve", in this case you certainly deserve better than this and when you're free of him it will come to you. Sorry you went through all this, but you've left no stone unturned and you will walk away knowing you did the right thing, with no doubt in your mind.

    When my 9 y/o niece was killed by a drunk driver, that driver didn't know she had a top-flight criminal attorney for a father. He did prison time, they lost their house, and he made sure this guy's life is hell. That could be your life and you're an innocent person. The money awarded is still used to combat jerks like this who think their party is more important than another's life. Run from this man.
    Originally Posted by Llm
    To me that means theres nothing more to try, nothing more to do to make it work because it won’t work.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    To me that means theres nothing more to try, nothing more to do to make it work because it won’t work.
    ... and to him it means that he will be with you when you calm down and forgive him (yet again).

    Why not just tell him its over and that you are going no contact so you can get over one another? What is your real motive for be so vague, Llm?

  3. #43

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You sound like a very bright and brave women. You will be happy in the future that you had this strength. While I don't care for the word "deserve", in this case you certainly deserve better than this and when you're free of him it will come to you. Sorry you went through all this, but you've left no stone unturned and you will walk away knowing you did the right thing, with no doubt in your mind.

    When my 9 y/o niece was killed by a drunk driver, that driver didn't know she had a top-flight criminal attorney for a father. He did prison time, they lost their house, and he made sure this guy's life is hell. That could be your life and you're an innocent person. The money awarded is still used to combat jerks like this who think their party is more important than another's life. Run from this man.
    Oh my goodness I’m so sorry. That just opened my eyes a lot more.

  4. #44

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    ... and to him it means that he will be with you when you calm down and forgive him (yet again).

    Why not just tell him its over and that you are going no contact so you can get over one another? What is your real motive for be so vague, Llm?
    I don’t want to be with him. I’m done trying to get through to him because I can’t. He can take it however he wants it. I’m not a total jerk because his father is dying. I’m very close with his father and I want to know what is going on. I’m not in love with him anymore I’ve realized. I may love him but I will never feel the same way about him that I did.

    Even though it is hard because of the time invested. Being away from him has made me realize how toxic the situation was and I don’t want that again.

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  6. #45

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    My mom left my dad because of substance abuse. He wasn't a movie-of-the-week cartoon—it's rarely that cut and dry—but I think she considers it the best, hardest choice she has made in her life. I'm certainly grateful, as that all went down just as I was becoming a cognizant human. Anyhow, my dad, best I understand him, kind of remains in a frozen state of denial, with something on ice nearby to help.

    That was 35 years ago. People are who they are. I don't think of my dad as a monster—lots to love—but I would't advise any woman get near him. I stay pretty clear myself, for my own health. Bummer, but not nearly as much of a bummer as pretending it could be another way.

    Still, even with that personal stuff shared, I'm a big believer that it's best, for your own health and forward movement, to look at all this as incompatibility. Clashing value systems. It's corrosive as all heck because it involves booze, but if it was, say, a political difference that made you feel he fundamentally disrespected your humanity and worldview it would be much the same: a very hard thing to find common ground on.

    Will he ever come around to seeing himself as you see him, and make changes? He might. He might not. But life is hard enough without making it a gamble. My dad just found a woman who enables him, while existing in a soft womb of shame, still believing that if he can just make a few changes he can turn it all around. I'm very happy to exist, but to even imagine my mother married to him—let alone a parallel universe where she still was—is truly heartbreaking stuff.

    Not sure if any of that helps, just some tales of how this stuff can go that I hope help affirm for you that you're making the right choice.
    Thank you for this. I waited for 8 years for him to make changes. Even with a 6 month breakup. He will NEVER admit he has a problem he will only get better for a certain amount of time until the dust settles. He just apologizes and acts like nothing happened. Almost like “yes, I got away with it again!” I just have that “done” feeling. Like the one I’ve had with other relationships I was done with.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    To me that means theres nothing more to try, nothing more to do to make it work because it won’t work.
    Yeah, but you didn't break up with him. you said you can't try anymore. not "its over. " and mail him the ring or have someone deliver it to him

  8. #47
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I waited for 8 years for him to make changes. Even with a 6 month breakup. He will NEVER admit he has a problem he will only get better for a certain amount of time until the dust settles. He just apologizes and acts like nothing happened. Almost like “yes, I got away with it again!” I just have that “done” feeling. Like the one I’ve had with other relationships I was done with.
    Moving forward—this is for way down the line—you now know that waiting for anyone to change is not the path toward romantic harmony. It essentially means you can't communicate, even if it's about something less dire, though a lot of people do mistake talking about "what needs to change" as constructive communication. Talk without action is just noise. The noise can't be of this volume, about something this volatile.

    But to get to that moment down the line, you've got to get out of this one. And you need to. You are not happy, and can't be happy with him—the hard truth of that statement is bigger than the pieces composing it. And those pieces are simply way too destructive—read Wiseman's post again—to even consider anything else. Per my story, I am basically hardwired in my own DNA to sympathize with your boyfriend—I can see my father in him, even if I'm just projecting—and I am straight up saying run, don't walk, for you. Your future self will thank you, for the rest of your life.

    Do you have a good support system right now? Friends, family? Shore that up, and lean on it. AlAnon, again. Maybe some therapy sessions. All that is the path to peace. This—him—is the opposite path.

  9. #48
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    I know you can't really do this, but his mother needs to be reminded that getting married and having kids didn't make her husband stop drinking. She's being deliberately obtuse if she thinks that's what her addict son needs.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I don’t want to be with him. I’m done trying to get through to him because I can’t. He can take it however he wants it.
    The way he will "take it" is to continue to try to wheel you back in, be the man you want him to be until he doesn't have to again, this will happen certainly when his father passes and your own codependency kicks in and you lose yourself in him yet again.

    I’m not a total jerk because his father is dying.
    His father dying is his cross to bear and you certainly can find out in other ways when his father does die.
    I’m very close with his father and I want to know what is going on.
    Then inquire through is mother after you tell HER that while you stay away from HIM.

    I’m not in love with him anymore I’ve realized. I may love him but I will never feel the same way about him that I did.
    Until you do. Anyway, that's fine that you are so sure but it still doesn't give him the closure he needs to move on from you nor does that hope that you're not done allow him to reap the consequences of his action. When there are no consequences, he is not going to change.

    Even though it is hard because of the time invested. Being away from him has made me realize how toxic the situation was and I don’t want that again.
    Then please stop making excuses (to yourself, really) to not just make it abundantly known that the engagement is cancelled and the relationship is over. Do so kindly and with the wish that he gets the help he needs.

    Having a "done feeling" and actually making it done are two different things, luv.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. I can definitely relate. I went through this, too. It was very painful, had a lot of drama, involved more people than just my partner. It was a real crap show. I will try to keep my story brief, but know I do not regret ending it. At all.

    When I met my ex, we were drinking. Drinking was a big part of my life with all my friends. A lot of the time we had fun. Some the time we did not and the times we did not got more and more frequent and closer together. Alcohol is a depressant. What starts as fun and partying in our youth, can grow into dependency, anger, depression, health issues (as you obviously know.) And that is exactly what happened.

    It started as happy hours that lasted until the bar closed every weekend, to his not being willing to meet friends or do anything that did not involve drinking. We could not do one thing that did not involve drinking. His version of drinking was to drink as much as he could, as fast as he could, for as long as he could. I would be embarrassed by his drunk antics. It started with maybe he would fall or be sloppy. Then he would be angry and mostly at me for what-- who knows? a guy in the bar looked at me for 1 second too long. (Probably because I was with a train wreck.) Or sometimes, he wouldn't be mad at me-- he'd start fight with someone in the bar. Or there were the really great times when the bartender would shut him off and he would not understand. So the bartender would look to me to tell him.

    He had a real problem and he would be remorseful the next day, but the solution was never to stop drinking. Like you, I was starting to grow up and realize I don't want to be drunk and then hungover. I want more out of life. I would want to do things that did not include drinking. He didn't want to go. Our sex life started to suffer. He was miserable. He would not accept it was the drinking. And he never cared the expense it cost me (my mental health and state.) I remember very clearly once he was screaming at me about "IF I WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH MY BROTHER I CAN!" I also can't forget the face he had when I said, "ok but why do I have to be your designated driver? You ever think I want to have beers with your brother?" All he ever thought about was himself.

    It was a real turning point. It took me a year to get away from him. He would not let go. Many of our friends took his side. They wanted to enjoy the party and thought I was a nag. About 4 or 5 years after, many came back to me and said-- you were right. He is messed up in his brain from drinking. It was terrible. I loved this man and our life. But here's the bottom line. Well, there are two bottom lines:

    1. Be careful who you choose as a spouse. 90% of your happiness or unhappiness will come from this relationship. Your life will be intertwined and any children will be greatly effected by having an alcoholic parent. Are you continuing a cycle of alcoholism for a future generation? Do you want that for yourself? For your kids? This is your life. You must choose wisely.

    2. Alcoholism can only be control by the alcoholic. Even when they CHOOSE help, it is a struggle every day to not drink. And the fall off the wagon is not a long one. Life can be ruined in one binge. It is an addiction. For many, they simply cannot choose to not do it. It's not about love for someone else. They can't do it for someone else.

    I think my ex is still a raging alcoholic. It's interesting because as much as I loved him, for a very long time. I don't anymore. I pity him and find him repulsive. A mutual friend asked me, "Hey, do you ever see so and so in town?" And I replied, "Not if I see him first". He has told mutual friends that I hate him and blah blah blah.... And the truth is I kinda do. It's faded but he ruined our life together. And that was real shame. Like I said, it was hard and it took a lot of time. but I fully believe had I stayed there would have been much worse consequences.

    I hope you make a good decision. because I am not being dramatic when I say, you are basically choosing your life. Get out while you can.
    Last edited by Lambert; 10-20-2019 at 08:57 PM. Reason: crazy font fix

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