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Thread: Should I break off the engagement ?

  1. #31
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    i also want to say thank goodness you have a good head on your shoulders and can see this clearly.

  2. #32

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Mom is an enabler through and through!
    There are families where the parents have done everything from bringing someone home from out of state school so they can watch them, counseling, to tough love because they will not tolerate this path. Mom will not be your ally if you marry him.

    I would have not done this - i would have communicated this to him directly and let him disseminate the info to family.And i would have canceled the hall while you could still get your desposit back and cancel the officiant on your own immediately before they can try to convince you otherwise
    I had to tell her so she doesn’t buy anything else for the wedding. He probably wouldn’t have said anything and I didn’t want her to waste her money.

  3. #33

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    i also want to say thank goodness you have a good head on your shoulders and can see this clearly.
    Thank you. It is very hard though. I love him very much and it’s a shame because everything else is good about him. He is acting like nothing happened now even when I told him I need some timefor myself because there are to many problems to start a marriage. He is acting like he’s in denial about this.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My mom left my dad because of substance abuse. He wasn't a movie-of-the-week cartoon—it's rarely that cut and dry—but I think she considers it the best, hardest choice she has made in her life. I'm certainly grateful, as that all went down just as I was becoming a cognizant human. Anyhow, my dad, best I understand him, kind of remains in a frozen state of denial, with something on ice nearby to help.

    That was 35 years ago. People are who they are. I don't think of my dad as a monster—lots to love—but I would't advise any woman get near him. I stay pretty clear myself, for my own health. Bummer, but not nearly as much of a bummer as pretending it could be another way.

    Still, even with that personal stuff shared, I'm a big believer that it's best, for your own health and forward movement, to look at all this as incompatibility. Clashing value systems. It's corrosive as all heck because it involves booze, but if it was, say, a political difference that made you feel he fundamentally disrespected your humanity and worldview it would be much the same: a very hard thing to find common ground on.

    Will he ever come around to seeing himself as you see him, and make changes? He might. He might not. But life is hard enough without making it a gamble. My dad just found a woman who enables him, while existing in a soft womb of shame, still believing that if he can just make a few changes he can turn it all around. I'm very happy to exist, but to even imagine my mother married to him—let alone a parallel universe where she still was—is truly heartbreaking stuff.

    Not sure if any of that helps, just some tales of how this stuff can go that I hope help affirm for you that you're making the right choice.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    Thank you. It is very hard though. I love him very much and it’s a shame because everything else is good about him. He is acting like nothing happened now even when I told him I need some timefor myself because there are to many problems to start a marriage. He is acting like he’s in denial about this.
    So you haven't broken up with him, you are just wanting space?

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    So you haven't broken up with him, you are just wanting space?
    Back along time ago when i had my first boyfriend, i knew he would react very badly to a breakup (even though he was severely pushing me away), so i thought it was best and safest to ask for space first so that i could exit his presence without being physically blocked, or him begging and pleading. And then i could break up officially later. If that's the strategy, then thats fine, but she needs to break it off as well.

  8. #37

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    So you haven't broken up with him, you are just wanting space?
    I told him I need to be by myself because there’s nothing more that I can do to work on this relationship

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I told him I need to be by myself because there’s nothing more that I can do to work on this relationship
    Then why didn't you make it clear to him that the relationship was over?

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I told him I need to be by myself because there’s nothing more that I can do to work on this relationship
    So you are basically leaving the door open..... He would probably interpret that is you can't do any more to work on it, so its fine as is.
    Honestly, there IS nothing you can do to "work on it" -- its dead in the water.

  11. #40

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    So you are basically leaving the door open..... He would probably interpret that is you can't do any more to work on it, so its fine as is.
    Honestly, there IS nothing you can do to "work on it" -- its dead in the water.
    To me that means theres nothing more to try, nothing more to do to make it work because it won’t work.

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