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Thread: Should I break off the engagement ?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He's an alcoholic and needs to go to AAA regularly. If he doesn't seek professional help, you're done.

    I've seen with my own eyes so many miserable stories revolving around alcoholism with friends and family. Your life will be ruined due to an alcoholic.

    Don't allow your boyfriend's father's cancer to cloud your judgment. While it's sorrowful for your boyfriend, his father and family, cancer has nothing to do with your toxic and dysfunctional relationship with your boyfriend and hopefully soon to be ex-boyfriend.

    You need to move on with your life in a healthy way and associate with only mentally and physically healthy people otherwise they'll drag you down. Be realistic, rational and practical. You'll thank yourself later when you create less stress for yourself.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This ship is going to sink. It's that simple. You can choose to go down with it or take this lifeboat and get away from this Titanic situation. A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person in it.

    You're not going to fix him. He is to the point of addiction. You don't fix that like a quibble about some other minor incompatibility.. You won't bring him up, he will bring you down because his disease is far greater than your enabling.

    In fact you seem to be becoming unwell yourself from all this. Stop fixing him. Stop minimizing.
    Originally Posted by Llm
    I guess by “fighting “ I don’t mean actually having a war. I mean by trying to fix things and make them better instead of saying sorry and doing the same things. I understand though, that this is something that more than likely can’t be fixed. Still, it is difficult to deal with being with someone and feeling that they don’t care enough to reach out to you and talk about things even if it were to end. Just because you have invested so much into them and they deserve that. Instead of avoiding the situation.

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    This ship is going to sink. It's that simple. You can choose to go down with it or take this lifeboat and get away from this Titanic situation. A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person in it.

    You're not going to fix him. He is to the point of addiction. You don't fix that like a quibble about some other minor incompatibility.. You won't bring him up, he will bring you down because his disease is far greater than your enabling.

    In fact you seem to be becoming unwell yourself from all this. Stop fixing him. Stop minimizing.
    I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I told her it will get worse after marriage and I don’t want to bring kids into the world in this situation. Her response :

    “He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stick to your guns. She ruined her life with these idiotic rationalizations about drinkers, so her judgement is useless. You don't owe her more explanations. You owe yourself a decent life free of drama and drunks like this.
    Originally Posted by Llm
    I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I Her response : “He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I told her it will get worse after marriage and I don’t want to bring kids into the world in this situation. Her response :

    “He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh
    You marry him and have kids with him and you'll end up with kids who have an alcoholic for a father. You couldn't leave the kids with him and you couldn't let him drive them anywhere. He'll drain the family bank account buying booze.

    Don't expect his mother to understand your point of view. She is codependent and an enabler. Plus, she's his MOTHER. She is squarely on his side, no matter what he does.

    Cancel the wedding plans, give back the ring and take time for yourself.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Nothing worse than a mother who is too blinded by her 'motherhood' to actually be a good mother. Making excuses like she did should cement in any person without their own codependent issues to run far and fast to a total breakup (not just a calling off of an engagement). You would be marrying into an enabling hell wherein you would end up being thought as the problem.

    Most healthy families wouldn't blame you one little bit for ending things with a man like him. They would have been on your side and started an intervention, at least a good family sit down to discuss how his drinking is negatively affecting his life.

    Get away from them all, Lim.

    Her response comes from a place of denial, unfortunately.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I told her it will get worse after marriage and I don’t want to bring kids into the world in this situation. Her response :

    “He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .”
    Urghh
    Does she also enable his dad's drinking?

  9. #28

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    Yes. Before he got sick he was drinking a 24 pack a day. She does admit he’s an alcoholic, but she used to buy the beers for him every day.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    Yes. Before he got sick he was drinking a 24 pack a day. She does admit he’s an alcoholic, but she used to buy the beers for him every day.
    Classic codependent.

    You'll be advised by her to buy alcoholic beverages for her son too. You know, to be a "good wife".

    My mother grew up with an alcoholic father. Her home life was awful. He ended up drinking himself to death. The family suffered tremendously.

    Please protect yourself and your future children. Unless and until he commits to a treatment program willingly and successfully completes the program and stays sober for at least a year after completing treatment, I would not even consider staying in the relationship. He has to get treatment because HE wants it, not because you want him to or to get you to come back to him.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Llm
    I spoke to his mother last night to tell her that I am stopping the wedding planning right now and do not go forward with anything. I told her it will get worse after marriage and I don’t want to bring kids into the world in this situation. Her response :

    “He doesn’t drink everyday. I think that actually will help him getting married and having kids .” Urghh
    Mom is an enabler through and through!
    There are families where the parents have done everything from bringing someone home from out of state school so they can watch them, counseling, to tough love because they will not tolerate this path. Mom will not be your ally if you marry him.

    I would have not done this - i would have communicated this to him directly and let him disseminate the info to family.And i would have canceled the hall while you could still get your desposit back and cancel the officiant on your own immediately before they can try to convince you otherwise

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