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Thread: Still cant get over my ex girlfriend, why did she do this?

  1. #1
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    Still cant get over my ex girlfriend, why did she do this?

    Hi those who read this, im in desperate need of help.

    So approximately 6 years ago i was in a relationship with a girl for a year, at the start it was great, then we kept arguing, and it really got to me so i began to withdraw (not from love) but because at that time i couldnt handle emotions very well (getting better now with therapy). We saw less and less, i rarely treated her if im honest because of this. My anxiety issues got the better of me.

    However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.

    Fast forward the week and she had broken up with me when she got back. I assumed it was because she had cheated. I didnt take it very well it broke me .The reason for the break up she said is 'we never do anything, were not affectionate enough and we dont have an emotional connection, and i dont feel part of your family'. The main reason being 'i felt like you couldnt care about me'.

    She told me she didnt want to be with anybody and be alone.

    Now i find out she had kissed (probally more) a guy on holiday. After breaking up with me she was still willing to meet me whenever i'd ask. However i found out she was meeting up with this guy from another part of the country too and slept with him. All whilst i was trying to get her back she said she wanted to be on her own and wouldnt even kiss me or touch me. That hurt. When she told me she had slept with him she said it was a rebound and their not seeing eachother anymore.

    I cant seem to get my head around what she said because she met him whilst still with me, is that a rebound?
    What do you think she was thinking on holiday tbh, the relationship wasnt going well, how do you think she took me not wanting to talk to her whilst she was away?

    We no longer talk anymore as we had a really bad fight about it, however theres something that really bugs me. She came round my parents house during this meeting up period post break up (i still lived at home then) with no care in the world. She would never whilst in the relationship just walk in if i invited her over, id have to go to the door, but this time she did. It makes me feel sick she had been having sex with another guy but had no qualms about stepping back into my parents house, even for an hour. Am i right to think this? I dont think id ever go round an ex gfs house if id slept with another woman. Is this because she was over me?

    So anyway this time she was round, we ended up sleeping together and she started crying. Guilt i suppose?

    I was trying to get her back in this period, all the more reason why i feel like ugly. I feel at that moment in time she found me ugly and preffered him .


    So ive now got in my head, the reason she got over me so fast is because this guy literally shagged the feelings out of her. Does that happen to women? is this why she literally come back off holiday a completely different person i didnt recognise her.


    Now i thought i had gotten over this but its all come back haunting me as ive just seen she went travelling, and i feel really jealous. She looks so happy I find her incredibly attractive now, however when i was with her i wasnt too fussed on her looks. shes also had a boob job and it makes me teary eyed because i know she always wanted one, and im jealous she'll get so much more attention from it. Why do you i find her incredible now and not before?

    So what im really looking for is insight tbh. I know i have waffled on, and theres a lot to take in. Im mainly looking for your take from her point of view as to why she was meeting up with me (without wanting to even touch me), yet saw him for a while. Did she literally take this as if she'd found someone else and i was 'ugly' in her eyes from the moment she slept with him. Even though she said it could have been anyone. I have deep insecurities i know and im working on them with a therapist. Can you have the feelings for someone else 'shagged' out of you?

    Her instagram is packed full of fun things shes been doing, its like i never matter and because she slept with someone else i was erased. i have tried to have rebound sex, but i struggle to get it up unless i have a connection with someone. So im finding it impossible to move on. Do girls find it easier to take part in rebound sex do you think because of simple mechanics? a girl doesnt have to be erect to have sex even tho it may hurt her.


    Whats an emotional connection also?, . Sorry its a little all over the place, just looking for your take on things about how jealous i am and what she did.

    Predominently I'd like a womans perspective to try put themselves in her shoes.

    Thanks

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    Wait, was all this six years ago? If so then I must say that it's very unhealthy that you keep going over it in such great detail. I suggest you see a therapist to try to move on because six years is a really long time to still be hung up on it.

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    As an answer to "What's an emotional connection?"
    Have you experienced giving something love? Have you ever felt like you cared about something so much that you could not prevent yourself from receiving updates? This doesn't have to be a person. This could be video games, a movie sequel that's coming out, some hobby you keep up on, just about anything. You're just into it so much that you need to remain connected. If anything new happens you must know. People are like this about their hobbies where some random actor gets picked for their favorite movie and they must know who it is. They're not going to wait until the movie comes out to find out. Grandparents are like this towards their grand kids, they must know every mundane boring activity their grand kids did. Are you like this with anything in your life?

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by aha45
    at the start it was great, then we kept arguing, and it really got to me so i began to withdraw (not from love) but because at that time i couldnt handle emotions very well (getting better now with therapy). We saw less and less, i rarely treated her if im honest because of this. My anxiety issues got the better of me.

    However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.

    we never do anything, were not affectionate enough and we dont have an emotional connection, and i dont feel part of your family'. The main reason being 'i felt like you couldnt care about me'.

    What do you think she was thinking on holiday tbh, the relationship wasnt going well, how do you think she took me not wanting to talk to her whilst she was away?
    Your answers are all here in your own accounting. Reread what you wrote because it's all there.

    One year in and you two were arguing, you let your anxiety and emotional issues get the best of you.

    Your response to her wanting to communicate while on vacation seems dismissive and passive aggressive.
    (in the context of you two arguing and you having said that)
    However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.
    That kind of set to tone for her to reconsider everything while she was away, if she hadn't already come to that conclusion. I know I might feel the same way.

    She stayed in touch initially and you even slept together. Even when someone decides to end the relationship they still mourn the loss. No doubt there are good qualities about you and she apparently went in just as hopeful as you. Her decision wasn't taken lightly but ultimately she made it.

    It had nothing to do with you being ugly or someone shagging any feelings out of her < That's a little disrespectful bytheway, but I get it's the anger talking. She didn't feel a connection between the two of you. She came around a few more times to see if anything changed.

    If you don't know what an emotional connection is I suggest you google it and learn what that means. Study it because a relationship won't fly straight without it.

    When someone is hanging on this long I often believe it no longer has anything to do with the person they lost and think they want back. It's usually about some thing else. I can't pretend to know what it is, but it's something you should give some thought to.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 10-25-2019 at 08:18 PM.

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    Thank you for your replies. Yeah im in the process of finding a specialist relationship therapist now. Im in the UK and a therapist is really expensive.
    With regards to emotional connection, i have countless times researched it but i cannot find a definite answer. Is it affection? Care? was she saying we dont love eachother, im puzzled.

    Appreciate the help.

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    [QUOTE]
    Your response to her wanting to communicate while on vacation seems dismissive and passive aggressive.
    (in the context of you two arguing and you having said that)
    However it got so bad, that when she was going on a girls holiday and she asked if we would be talking, i replied 'il just talk to you when you get back'.
    That kind of set to tone for her to reconsider everything while she was away, if she hadn't already come to that conclusion. I know I might feel the same way.
    [QUOTE]

    I completely agree, and i admit it was stupid, i couldnt handle myself at the time, which is no excuse. I had beaten myself up about that for years now. I really did love her but i think shes, as she said, thought i didnt care about her, which this quote shows i suppose?. Why would anyone not talk to their partner if their going away

    As to regards to this other guy, i have low self esteem anyway, and i just think shes slept with him and lost feelings for me and gained them for him. It is disrespectful your right, i just think this way and wrote it wrong.

    Emotional connection seems to be care when i google it. being on same team?

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    Id also like a view on Rebounds. This may be simple mechanics. I cannot have sex with a girl i dont have a sexual attraction to, as being a guy i would need to be turned on shall we say. However, is it generally 'easier' for girls to have a 'rebound' simply because they can still 'allow' for sex, albeit possibly painful.

    Its just something else that i think about, like how easy it seemed to of been for her, yet i cannot find sexual attraction in any other girl than her.

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    She wasn't rebounding with this guy. She was checked out of your relationship, was attracted to him, and had sex with him. Her feelings for you were already seriously compromised when she met this guy. It sounds to me like she had given up on your relationship, following your resistance to getting any closer to her. That takes its toll, OP.

    There's a big difference between what happened here and what it generally means to be on the rebound, in the sense that you'e describing it. It is easy to sleep with someone else when you already feel so disconnected from your previous partner. I know you want to believe she still had an emotional connection to you, but it seems to have long faded for her by the time she started hooking up with him.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to overthink things this much. It does you no good.
    Originally Posted by aha45
    However, is it generally 'easier' for girls to have a 'rebound' simply because they can still 'allow' for sex, albeit possibly painful.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by aha45
    Id also like a view on Rebounds. This may be simple mechanics. I cannot have sex with a girl i dont have a sexual attraction to, as being a guy i would need to be turned on shall we say. However, is it generally 'easier' for girls to have a 'rebound' simply because they can still 'allow' for sex, albeit possibly painful.

    Its just something else that i think about, like how easy it seemed to of been for her, yet i cannot find sexual attraction in any other girl than her.
    To put it bluntly, sheís probably a bit emotionally healthier than you are.

    Not meant as an insult, but youíre trying to use your broken thoughts to make sense out of her thoughts.

    Youíre attempting to do the impossible.

    No itís not Ďeasierí for women to have rebound sex, as another poster pointed out your kinda pushing it with your language.

    There are an infinite number of reason why she cheated.

    No one will ever know definitively but her.

    The safest bet is the relationship was already on itís last leg and the lack of communication was the straw that broke the camels back.

    This was 6 years ago. Thereís literally no way to fix things now, itís long past.

    First things first, stop stalking her social media.

    Second, continue with therapy and see a Dr. see if there are any deficits.

    Iím sorry youíre hurting, your inability to move on is indicative of something much bigger going on, that should be your focus, not the hows or whys going on in her head.

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