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Thread: Awkward Situation

  1. #1

    Awkward Situation

    I am looking for advice regarding a dating situation. I am a 43 year old single woman, never married, no children. I tried online dating on and off for two years and had many negative experiences (men only wanting hook ups and lying about it, ghosters, men with emotional and mental illnesses, men with commitment problems, text only pen pals, you got it. So I decided to try to date men I know IRL. There is a man who works in the same building as I do but in an entire different department. He is very friendly and I used to see him A few times a week and we would always talk. One day he brought up being single and a long discussion ensued. Another colleague suggested I consider dating this man as we work in separate departments and he is very nice, attractive etc. I had never considered him then thought why not? I did not know how he felt about me so did the courageous deed of asking him out. We spent an entire day together coffee and dinner and hanging out at the park. I had only suggested we meet for coffee and he was the one who suggested we hang out later and grab dinner etc. He seemed a bit shy outside of work and admitted he was surprised I had asked him out saying I had not appeared interested in him
    (Although he never really confirmed that he was interested in dating me prior to me asking). We had a nice time perhaps a few awkward moments but overall we did a lot of talking. He did touch my arm and leg a few times and I hugged him when we parted.

    No kiss but it seemed like he wanted to. He alluded to some low confidence issues during our talks. I had mentioned I wasnít looking for a hookup and wanted a financially responsible man who would not ask for monetary loans as I make a pretty good living and have been taken advantage of in past. This just came up during conversation and I recall him saying he had had bad credit in the past over a failed relationship where he had spent a lot of money on his ex. He said he was doing better now and credit had improved. I did not feel
    This was an area of concern as he was working to improve his finances. Financially I do make a lot more money than he does and it doesnít bother me at all but my friends have suggested that he may feel intimidated or threatened by it.

    He is aware of the approximate income I make and I have never lived a high end lifestyle in fact very simple. Well after this first date I really expected things to progress. We never discussed a second date directly although he did mention some social events he wanted to attend in the near future. I texted him after the date to make sure he got home okay as we were out for about 8 hours and it was late when we left to go home. Then I left him alone and said good night assuming he had other people to talk to or things to do. Since then I have only heard from him via text the few times I initiated convo such as ďhey how are you?Ē And the conversation dwindles fast. He does not appear to really want to text with me. Since the date he has almost disappeared itís been close to a month and he never seems to stop by anymore like he used to to say hello. Honestly it appears he is avoiding my whole department. I am
    Saddened as I know often things donít work out and sometimes people donít feel a spark or connection and they donít wish to proceed with a second date. I know he wasnít dating anyone else in fact he complained often of being single for a long time and using dating apps too to try to meet women. But I am sad that now things are awkward like this. He did not ghost me and will answer my texts but he never initiates nor does he seem willing to carry on much conversation. I guess I expected he would have been flattered as I consider myself a sweet, caring person who is pretty attractive and in good shape. I have my life together my own home etc.

    I donít know if heís intimidated by me as my friends claim I am out of his league. For me a man with a kind heart who wants an actual relationship means more to me than his earning potential or a bit of balding on his head. I wish I had been given the opportunity to go out a few more times and get to know him better and really judge if we could be a fit. Do I just ask outright hey I never see you around anymore did I scare you off? Itís OK if he doesnít want to date but it would be nice to remain on a friendly level without awkwardness and avoidance of each other. I actually miss chatting with him. I donít know how to handle things to let him
    Know itís ok if he doesnít like me romantically but I would like to remain friends. Also, there is also the possibility he thinks he blew it with me for some reason and that Iím the one who is not interested (being he has low confidence issues). Help!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, for whatever reason he does not want to date you. I would not ask about scaring him off. If you happen to bump into him in person just be friendly as if none of this ever happened. However, at this point I would stop all the messaging and he may or may not slowly come around on his own and carry on with your old friendship.

    In the future you may want to hold off mentioning your money situation and requirements so soon. For a first date it was too much too soon imo. Boundaries like that are meant to be silently upheld if needed rather than spelled out like that. He probably felt emasculated by all the disclaimers and money inequalities surfacing from the get go.

    First dates are not meant to be treated like business negotiations imo. To me it all got too heavy too fast and that may have been offputing as he found himself discussing his weaknesses right from the get go. Being warned like that and made to feel inferior, even by accident, probably killed the romantic mood.
    Last edited by Clio; 10-19-2019 at 03:38 AM.

  3. #3
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    I find it a little odd that on a first date you tell him you are not looking for a hookup nor a man thatís going to ask you for a monetary loan??
    I can only imagine that he felt like he was in an interview and not on a date?

    He possibly felt compelled to tell you about his bad credit.

    And then you message him asking if he got home ok? Unless he left from your home that seems a little funny to me!??

    Maybe he does think you are out of his league on a financial scale since you were the one that brought up finances essentially?

    I sense he is not interested in dating you but is a nice polite man and therefore does not ignore your messages.

    Itís not really an awkward situation, but I think perhaps itís best to stop the texting or it could become one?

  4. #4
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    If he's not asking you out within a week or two at most (or even days), he's not attracted to you, or has mental problems. If my date texted me after the date, and I liked her, I would have replied, "Let's do it again next week!" Simple, right?!

    You did well. Dating is, to some extent, a numbers game, and not for the faint of heart. You never know who will be attracted to you. So wash, rinse, and repeat - date a new man.

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  6. #5
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    I think the only thing awkward was he may have felt awkward when it came to you two being in different financial situations. If heís coming from a place of debt, the last thing he wants to feel is burdened by it being rubbed in his face. You may not have meant to do it unintentionally, but my guess is heís not asking you out because of that.

    I would definitely learn from this experience and move onto another guy. Maybe a guy better financially situated like yourself.
    Last edited by limichelle; 10-19-2019 at 04:50 AM. Reason: Wrong choice of wording

  7. #6
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    Hi Lisa, like others, I also think he was put off by the discussion about financial requirements.
    First dates should be breezy and fun. I know that some people in our age think we have no time to waste but there is no point of pressing a fast forward button. You will skip the sweetest part of the dating.
    Also, like others mentioned, you came across quite masculine ( please don't feel offended) talking about money and asking him if he got home safe would make a man feel like a boy.
    You invited him out and that was already enough initiative to show interest. The rest you should just leave with him and see if this will unfold naturally.
    You may feel it is awkward cause he works in your building and this is always a risk when things don't pan out as we wish.
    Maybe he is not your man.

  8. #7
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    I agree with lilimichelle and irka. If he is that "low confidence" that after you asking him out and spending an entire day with him he's not confident enough to ask you to grab lunch do you really want to be with a person who's that scared of his own shadow?

    I also wanted someone financially stable at least since I was -when I was dating. I would not have approached the subject as you did and agree with Irka00 and Lilimichelle on that one. I did have dates where my date figured out from my job description and where I lived that I was doing well and some asked prying questions -I just didn't like that whole type of discussion or topic for an early date. In your case he probably did feel pretty inferior after what you decided to share.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree with lilimichelle and irka. If he is that "low confidence" that after you asking him out and spending an entire day with him he's not confident enough to ask you to grab lunch do you really want to be with a person who's that scared of his own shadow?

    I also wanted someone financially stable at least since I was -when I was dating. I would not have approached the subject as you did and agree with Irka00 and Lilimichelle on that one. I did have dates where my date figured out from my job description and where I lived that I was doing well and some asked prying questions -I just didn't like that whole type of discussion or topic for an early date. In your case he probably did feel pretty inferior after what you decided to share.
    She asked him out. He obviously wasnít gold digging.

    I donít believe he has low confidence, I sense itís the other way around.

    She knew before she asked him out that he earned less than her, she also knew that he would know approximately what she earned.

    Who would then talk money???? In that scenario???

    He went out with her with the assumption she might be interested yet on the date she made it clear to him that money was at the forefront of her mind.
    He bailed.

    She treated him like an online first meet. He didnít like it. And he never even asked her out? Yet was treated like a minor.

    Sorry OP, I hope my comments make sense?
    And something you can understand?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately there are a lot of one-and-done dates whether online or in real life. Something just didn't click. Some things are in your control. That would be eliminating the textpals, being confident rather than telling someone dating woes, etc.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    She asked him out. He obviously wasnít gold digging.

    I donít believe he has low confidence, I sense itís the other way around.

    She knew before she asked him out that he earned less than her, she also knew that he would know approximately what she earned.

    Who would then talk money???? In that scenario???

    He went out with her with the assumption she might be interested yet on the date she made it clear to him that money was at the forefront of her mind.
    He bailed.

    She treated him like an online first meet. He didnít like it. And he never even asked her out? Yet was treated like a minor.

    Sorry OP, I hope my comments make sense?
    And something you can understand?
    I never thought he was a gold digger in the least -he seems like a good person. I think she created a really awkward situation in the way she discussed financial situations, including hers.

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