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Thread: Awkward Situation

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    No apologies needed. I found her standard alarming -that apparently if someone has credit card debt they're not "pretty put together"- I don't feel particularly sensitive because I've always been financially stable or better than - but I dated men who were temporarily unemployed or with a lower salary than mine and I didn't judge them (even internally).
    I'm with you. There are some hangups about money and professional stats here that could maybe be explored.

  2. #32
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm with you. There are some hangups about money and professional stats here that could maybe be explored.
    Because those are real issues and they matter.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    Because those are real issues and they matter.
    In terms of in life? In our heads? How do you mean, exactly? I agree with your statement, just curious to hear more.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Maybe I'm way off here, but I get the impression reading your first post that asking a man on a date is something you haven't done very often and so aren't very familiar with.
    I got this impression because you called asking him out a courageous act. And then later, when he was not showing interest in a second date, you mention how you thought he'd be flattered as you are * insert good qualities here*.

    Your ego is stinging, I get that. His choice to not want to pursue more dates doesn't take away from your good qualities though. It's just the nature of things, not everyone you ask out is going to want to keep seeing you.

    Think of it this way. You wanted to get him a bit better, so you asked him out. That's all. Now you know.
    I think comments that your friends have made about him being under your league and him being intimidated by you arent helpful. There's no need to try and put him one down to explain why it's a not a match. It's just not a match!

    I do think you may have come off rather aggressive. You asked him on a date, then tell him what you don't want. That's a bit of the equivalent to me of those dating profiles that state in bold NO DRAMA. Of course those looking for drama, or loans or to screw you over, aren't going to tell you " oh well in that case, I'm looking for a woman to fund me, I guess I'll pass ". If you are leading with the negative,
    you more likely will just repel those who aren't looking for that and attract those who do. The only way to really know a person's character is good is to get to know them, give the chance to show you in a regular way.

    I'm all over with this post, hopefully it's of some use to you.

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  6. #35
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    In terms of in life? In our heads? How do you mean, exactly? I agree with your statement, just curious to hear more.
    In terms of compatibility. Our social construct is such that, in general, men tend to be attracted to women further down the socioeconomic ladder than they are, and women tend to be attracted to men higher on the socioeconomic ladder. Thus some men are threatened by a woman who is independent and a higher-earner. Hard to say if thatís what happened in this case but it sounds like it has happened enough to the OP that she is a bit sensitive to it.

    As far as the existence of credit card debt indicating someone not being ďput togetherĒ or whatever the phrase was, it is also a fact that debt equals financial irresponsibility in some eyes, including banks and credit bureaus. I think we tend to want someone, in a dating experience or a potential relationship, who is in a similar situation in life as we ourselves are and if we are financially responsible I donít think itís unrealistic to want someone who is as well. It doesn't necessarily mean she has "hangups".

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    In terms of compatibility. Our social construct is such that, in general, men tend to be attracted to women further down the socioeconomic ladder than they are, and women tend to be attracted to men higher on the socioeconomic ladder. Thus some men are threatened by a woman who is independent and a higher-earner. Hard to say if thatís what happened in this case but it sounds like it has happened enough to the OP that she is a bit sensitive to it.

    As far as the existence of credit card debt indicating someone not being ďput togetherĒ or whatever the phrase was, it is also a fact that debt equals financial irresponsibility in some eyes, including banks and credit bureaus. I think we tend to want someone, in a dating experience or a potential relationship, who is in a similar situation in life as we ourselves are and if we are financially responsible I donít think itís unrealistic to want someone who is as well. It doesn't necessarily mean she has "hangups".
    I agree that if someone constantly has credit card debt sure that likely demonstrates financial irresponsibility but she jumped to that conclusion and then he explained it was a failed wedding he'd paid for (which I understood although I personally find it somewhat irresponsible to go into debt for a wedding reception or any large party). So I would want to know more about the debt, how long, what he was doing about it. I agree with your generalizations.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Well, here's my two cents. I think you might choose to look at this from a different perspective. What did you learn and what can you do differently in the future on other dates. I think when we meet someone that we think might be neat, we assume a lot of things. Especially, if you work in the same field. We tend to think people with similar career interests have other things we share. And that may very well be true. But just like all the things-- there is always the exception to the rule.

    I have found, that when just dating casually, try not to make mass negative generalizations like, I need a financially stable guy. What you exactly mean by that, is a little unclear. The man could be thinking, "I live paycheck to paycheck" and you don't know enough about him to actually know how he will take what you are saying. And that could be a red flag to him. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want. But outlining it like that, you might be excluding your crush and you don't even know it!

    It's hard dating in middle age. When we are young, we are all kinda the same-- working hard and broke. But as we get older we experience things with varying level of success. And you just don't know who is living the life on facebook but secretly up to their eyeballs in debt or whatever. It's understandable, that you don't want to be a nurse or a purse, as someone cleverly said. However, don't loan money to men you date and you won't be. It doesn't matter how much money you have whether you flaunt it or hide it, if you set rules for yourself that you won't be taken advantage of and use some common sense like, "never a lender or borrower be" then you should be fine. You don't have to tell men the horrors you have experienced with other men. haha. Let's face it, anyone over 25 and single, probably has some good stories and lessons to share.

    Try to keep conversations more neutral on first dates, favorite foods, bands, movies, travels, books, actors, or places you would like to go etc. Hobbies, interests, pets. Save deep thoughts, traumatic experiences, strong opinions for when you actually know the person. If you hear a crazy experience or a strong opinion from someone you don't really know, of course it's going to strike you as extreme.... you don't know the person. That's why the old saying never speak of religion or politics exists. Once someone knows you, they can understand what you are saying and how you mean it. Until then-- zip your lip and stay pleasant and neutral.

    Lastly, don't fret over losing a friend... You didn't lose a friend. He is a co-worker or a distant co-worker. It's a little awkward now, but it might not always be. Give it time and space. Two examples I have to share:

    1. I dated a guy at work years ago. Actually, I dated a few guys from work over the years. But this particular one, we had a bad date. And it was awkward as heck! He worked on his side and I worked on mine... kept our distance, didn't really say anything to each other at work happy hours or luncheons etc. He was there. I was there. But there were a lot of other people in the office and it just kinda morphed into being around any of the other people that I didn't really have any kind of friendship etc with. Then one day, we had to start working together. To both our credits, we kept it all work. but his desk was behind mine. UGH!! That close proximity ultimately, made us friends again. And one day, we laughed and said we both felt pretty stupid, but in hindsight it wasn't a big deal.

    2. I went out with a guy that lives by me. We met because he jogs passed my house every day..... hahaha. At the end of the date, he gave me some weird speech about how if I wanted to go out again to tell him because he doesn't want any trouble from a psycho in his neighborhood. I did not know how to take that, so I just was like haahaa ok and deleted his number from my phone. I sometimes run into him, in the neighborhood. The first time, I just acted my normal self-- smiled and said "Hi Steve, nice to see you" and I kept walking.

    My point is-- keep it cool. Not everything has to be a dramatic and discussed at length. Time and space helps. Let him be at work and when he talks to you, be cool. You never know.

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