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Thread: Awkward Situation

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you dodged a bullet. He is too full of woes and drama. Next time keep the first meet-and-greet brief. Run if someone goes on and on about hard-luck stories or what a loser they are. Don't allow dates to become drawn-out gripe sessions like this. Keep it brief and upbeat.
    Originally Posted by DarlingLisa
    He had been in a LTR and had paid for an entire wedding which ended up being called off and thatís really what he said hurt his credit.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by DarlingLisa
    I probably did not make that exact statement about seeking a kind hearted person without regard to earning potential. I likely did mess up here and it was purely unintentional. TBH I was surprised he had past credit issues because he appears pretty put together on the surface. I really didnít judge him when he disclosed his situation. He had been in a LTR and had paid for an entire wedding which ended up being called off and thatís really what he said hurt his credit.
    Oh goodness. Maybe some work on empathy or "walking a mile in someone's shoes" is in order -what does "pretty put together" have to do with financial hard times? You're in your early 40s and single -would you like someone assuming "well she seems pretty put together but she says she's looking for marriage and she's STILL single???"

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Probably best not to mention finances at all on any kind of dates. It really isn't the time or place and it's extremely awkward.

    To be honest, I am really surprised it came up at all. I can't recall any dates I have ever had where anyone discussed money matters.
    I don't think you two were compatible or in the same headspace whatsoever.

    The date sounded more like a casual coworker meet rather than a date.
    But then this is another reason why you don't date people from work. It's never a good idea to mix business with pleasure.
    Keep the two seperate.
    I met my husband at work originally. Different departments and never worked together. And come to think of it he did have financial issues lol -he asked me out for lunch, took me to a nice restaurant, the bill came and..... he was so embarrassed as he'd left his wallet at the office, talk about issues ;-). I paid. He tried to pay me back and I would not let him. I think meeting at work can be a wonderful place to meet a partner if the conditions are appropriate. In my case they were.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so are you going for a 38-53 y/o range? If that's the case that's a lot of lifetime experience for everyone. People are going to have something or another going on. Divorces, kids, baggage whatever. All this has nothing to do with finances or credit scores. It has to do with your fear that after 40 "you're a purse or a nurse", and that 'men are players' mentality.

    What you can do is not engage in inane text chitchat, meet promptly and see how the in-person interaction goes. You need a strategy to avoid burn-out.
    That mean not wasting time on "men only wanting hook ups and lying about it, ghosters, men with emotional and mental illnesses, men with commitment problems, text only pen pals', etc. <- most of this is preventable, by the way

    It means you select more carefully and look for different qualities. Also you need appropriate criteria and opportunities. Chasing men down just because a coworker said their single and have a pulse is not appropriate criteria, it's desperation. You could higher quality dating apps (paid) and join some clubs, groups, volunteer etc. You may have to accept less than perfect men and have to stop being a dating-tragedy on dates.
    Originally Posted by DarlingLisa
    I am a 43 year old single woman, never married, no children. I tried online dating on and off for two years and had many negative experiences

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  6. #25
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DarlingLisa
    Truly I am disappointed at the loss of his friendship and I just donít know how to handle that. I feel like Iíve made him feel
    Uncomfortable or awkward where he essentially avoids the entire four walls where I am during work hours. I agree with the person who said it is unfortunate people canít be more upfront and stop avoiding. I am in no way perfect but after a few ghosting instances I learned that most people deserve an explanation and not to be left hanging especially when you know they are still Interested in you after 1 or more dates and you donít feel the same. I learned itís not that hard to send a text message after 1-2 dates saying ďhey it was great meeting you but I didnít feel a connection. I think you are a great (or fun or any other adjective) person good luck in your search.Ē Some people say you donít owe another person an explanation after one date but it really depends on the scenarioóif itís mutual meh for both parties and neither reaches out to other post date then thereís no explanation needed. I think this guy knows I am still interested and thinks if he poofs into thin air Iíll get the message (which worked, I guess!)
    The bottom line is his response (or lack of) is unfortunate but you cannot control how someone else acts. How he conducts himself is his decision, just like you cannot control nor are you at fault for the scores of men online lying about wanting a relationship when all they really want is a hook-up, ghosters, etc. (you forgot about the number of married men online posing as single, those were always my favorite ). I understand your disappointment--believe me--but you can only control your response. Consider that there may be other things going on with this particular man that you don't know about, and it's better that he shows his avoidant and uncommunicative nature now than to get involved with him and THEN find out. I agree that it is sad to lose someone you thought was at least a friend, but again it's his choice. He has the right to make his own mistakes.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The simplest explanation to all this, as others have said, is just: kinda close, except not quite. That's the outcome of many first dates. Heck, this one is a better outcome than others, as documented in a "weird date" thread somewhere on this site, and it seems you've got your own stories on that frontódates that were far more corrosive than this one.

    All that said, I can't help but see some hangups on your end that might be getting in the way of enjoying a first date for what it is: a first meet with a new person, not quite the time to pull out the red pen and check list. Is he a Peter Pan? A closet gambling addict? A mooch? A selfish lover? A man who suffers crippling insecurity in the orbit of a successful woman? As lame as the last dude? Valid concerns, but none of those questions will get answered on a first date. So if they're dominant in our brainsóput there by life, by past dating experiences gone sidewaysóit's best to leave them on the side table when we grab the keys to meet for the walk around the reservoir.

    Did this happen here? Who knows? Again, just seems like close, not quite, as when things are "closer" the moments that turn one person away are the moments that make another more curious, even comfortable. My now-girlfriend and I joke about something she uttered on the second date that, in a vacuum or to a man who is not me, could sound like pure man repellent. I found it charming, intriguing, not even the faintest scratch on the record. That's the part of it all that is pure dice roll and the reality that rolling matching sixes is rare.

    So I'm responding less to the play-by-play than a kind of tone I'm picking up on here: certain conceptions of men that are more negative than positive. Keeping your career secret, for instance, to protect fragile male egos and stave off opportunists? Can't say I understand that. I'm around your age, want something similar to you, certainly have no interest in a woman drawn to me for status or help paying off credit debt amassed by that sweet tooth for handbags. But I don't create a maze for women to walk through to "test" their intentions or life station. If their motivations are suspect or their approach to living incompatible with my own, I trust that I can determine that, in time, while enjoying some walks and sushi as time passes, assuming we even have the juju to go from a walk to sushi.

    It's sort of like what Batya said. It's pretty easy to take "woman, 43, single" and write a story of sadness, baggage, bitterness. If your male counterparts are diagnosed with Peter Pan Syndrome, then you can be diagnosed with, I don't know, Damsel Syndrome or Ice Queen Syndrome. To which I'd say that any man who has a hair-trigger to make such assumptions about a female peer is simply a man not worth your time, because his own baggage has fogged his lens (and heart) to the point where he's lost the ability to see human women as fellow human people. The flip side to that, of course, is that I'd advise any man, as I've advised myself, to not have to prove his worth to someone who thinks he's a red flag because of how the basic outline of his personhood, gender, and life station compares to a rightward swipe gone wrong 3 months prior.

    When I was dating, for what it's worth, I made my intentions clear in a sentence: "I'm looking for a partner." If that was met with "So am I"ówhich it wasn't alwaysóI let the subject go, moving onto what was more important under the early circumstances: books read, places been, dreams dreamed of, salmon roll or yellowtail. I found a lot of information rose to the surface pretty quickly, and most of the time that information took partnership off the tableófor me, for the person across from me. So it goes. Humans can mean a lot of things by "So am I!", including "Just kidding!" Ughónever fun, that one.

    Best thing about being less young than we once were? Should there be a glaring incompatibilityófinancial, spiritual, physical, whateveróit will be revealed soon enough, and we now make enough money to afford the ice cream, red wine, and massages that do wonders for softening that disappointment. Knowing that arsenal was in my back pocket if things got dicey always made the walk into the weirdness more manageable.

    Sorry about all this. It's tough out there, but wouldn't be interesting if it was any other way.

  8. #27
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    "It's sort of like what Batya said. It's pretty easy to take "woman, 43, single" and write a story of sadness, baggage, bitterness. If your male counterparts are diagnosed with Peter Pan Syndrome, then you can be diagnosed with, I don't know, Damsel Syndrome or Ice Queen Syndrome. To which I'd say that any man who has a hair-trigger to make such assumptions about a female peer is simply a man not worth your time, because his own baggage has fogged his lens (and heart) to the point where he's lost the ability to see human women as fellow human people. The flip side to that, of course, is that I'd advise any man, as I've advised myself, to not have to prove his worth to someone who thinks he's a red flag because of how the basic outline of his personhood, gender, and life station compares to a rightward swipe gone wrong 3 months prior."

    My point was she thought he seemed "pretty put together" until she heard about his credit card debt. That's really enough to mean that he's not pretty put together?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    My point was she thought he seemed "pretty put together" until she heard about his credit card debt. That's really enough to mean that he's not pretty put together?
    Gotcha. I thought you meant making big assumptions off little information. Maybe we're saying shades of the same thing? If I took your words out of context, I do apologize.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Gotcha. I thought you meant making big assumptions off little information. Maybe we're saying shades of the same thing? If I took your words out of context, I do apologize.
    No apologies needed. I found her standard alarming -that apparently if someone has credit card debt they're not "pretty put together"- I don't feel particularly sensitive because I've always been financially stable or better than - but I dated men who were temporarily unemployed or with a lower salary than mine and I didn't judge them (even internally).

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DarlingLisa
    I appreciate everyoneís comments and input. I do want to explain a few things a bit further though. In the past when I was dating online I kept my career private and if asked I would be vague and not say what I actually do for a living. This way men are unaware and therefore not intimidated and it protects me as well from potential opportunists. Of course Iíd things progressed I would eventually disclose more information. But in this case this man works in the same industry as me at the same workplace and knows exactly what I do and what my job title is. In fact if we worked in the same department I would be considered a shift supervisor over him. As for the interviewing my date comments, I have been on many dates myself where i literally told my friends later I felt like I was on an interview. I do agree first dates should be more fun and relaxed but in this case this man knows a lot about me already and really the financial stuff was less than a five minute conversation. We discussed many topics and some were light hearted and funny. On a deeper note he even brought up having children and how his parents pressure him to have kids. I wondered if my comments about being unsure i could have kids at my age Also was a turn off for him (meaning heís would need to pursue much younger women). I really only mentioned the financial stuff bc I wondered if it had made him feel bad and if I had screwed up by making the few comments I made. I do regret saying anything as everyone here seems to agree that might have been what alienated him or made him feel inadequate. Interestingly enough I did not mention in my initial post that I found out he lives with his parents so I really wonder how bad his situation is or if living with them is more of a comfortable situation aka the Peter Pan syndrome. I found that to be more of a yellow flag than his hourly pay or yearly income TBH. These indeed are big topics but if they are deal breakers then why not discuss? Truly, his yearly income isnít a deal breaker for me, as long as he wouldnít mooch off me and would take care of his own expenses then why would I care as long as he has a good heart. I guess I assumed because I had asked him out and was aware of the financial differences that would be a ding ding to him that I honestly donít care about money, that I only want to live comfortably and be able to retire in good shape. Interestingly enough during conversation he mentioned being put off on prior dates when his date didnít offer to split the bill. When we got our drinks he ironically paid even though I had promised to treat him, but at dinner I thought it best to split the check especially since I was the one who initiated the date (even though dinner had been his suggestion). Because the job title differences and financial issues have been brought up by a few of my friends as a potential blow to his ego is why I mentioned it in my post. It seems like everyone really hung on to my comments about it and Iím not offended but I just wanted to clarify how things went down on the date. It was not an 8 hour date of me grilling him or prying into delicate topics or interviewing him about his bank account. And my hookup comment is a pretty standard line I tell men now as Iíve had too many men try early on to use me for sex. In his case I truly believe he is not that type of guy as he was always super sweet and sincere during our interactions in the past, bit as default I did want to mention it so he was aware i am seeking a relationship and not just a fun time.

    That all being said, I agree with you all that leaving him alone is for the best. Clearly if someone isnít interested continuing to text or message is annoying to the other person. I am glad I had limited my post date texts to only a few times as I donít want to look like a clingy needy stalker either.

    Truly I am disappointed at the loss of his friendship and I just donít know how to handle that. I feel like Iíve made him feel
    Uncomfortable or awkward where he essentially avoids the entire four walls where I am during work hours. I agree with the person who said it is unfortunate people canít be more upfront and stop avoiding. I am in no way perfect but after a few ghosting instances I learned that most people deserve an explanation and not to be left hanging especially when you know they are still Interested in you after 1 or more dates and you donít feel the same. I learned itís not that hard to send a text message after 1-2 dates saying ďhey it was great meeting you but I didnít feel a connection. I think you are a great (or fun or any other adjective) person good luck in your search.Ē Some people say you donít owe another person an explanation after one date but it really depends on the scenarioóif itís mutual meh for both parties and neither reaches out to other post date then thereís no explanation needed. I think this guy knows I am still interested and thinks if he poofs into thin air Iíll get the message (which worked, I guess!)
    I didn't have any issue with your comments about his credit or financial situation. Maybe you skimmed my comment as it was shorter than most or probably the only one that wasn't bothered by your discussion. A first date usually lasts an hour or two and it's not unusual for any number of topics to come up. At some level it has to be kept organic and free-flowing, not an artificially structured interview complete with repetitive dialogue. From your account of it it sounds free-flowing and quite natural.

    If you ask me, according to all you've learned about him, this person is just not for you. You actually didn't sound like great friends in the first place so I'm still not certain why you're lamenting the lack of his presence and his cognitive or intellectual capabilities seem very limited. Have you met each others' families (family friends)? Did you spend time together outside of work? Did you go out for lunches and laugh a lot or spend time on the phone together before this date? Do you usually seek company that is so mismatched with you? I absolutely cannot see what intrigue this person has over you at all or what the hang up is over this "friendship".

    I have nothing to say about what he is, what he does, who he is, what his financial situation is like. You should know enough to know: not appropriate/does not match. This person is not a good match for you.

    To be brief, I'm going to suggest you start meeting individuals who are more on par with you professionally and intellectually. Try local community groups, meetup.com, upgrade your skills professionally or take a non-credit course (continuing ed.). You're a little too wrapped up by your work status and afraid of intimidating others. What you should be doing is spending more time improving yourself and not capping your limits or being afraid of stepping on others' toes or worried that 99% of the population won't understand you. It's a waste of time and life. Get out there and start reaching for higher, learn more, get to know others, be more of yourself.

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