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Thread: Awkward Situation

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I never thought he was a gold digger in the least -he seems like a good person. I think she created a really awkward situation in the way she discussed financial situations, including hers.
    Agreed!!
    It was more about his apparent low confidence that I was responding to however I realise you put that in inverted commas.

    I think his ďlow confidenceĒ was more a lack of interest than anything else.

    And really , who could blame him??

  2. #12
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    If you had teardrop tattoos on your face for the number of gang kills you've had, that would be intimidating. But going on and on about finances on a date is just simply annoying. From how you go on about it in this post, he clearly got more than an earful about that. This would be dull for anyone especially for almost an entire day. You may want to have quick dates in the future if this type of conversation is your style. In any case, from his polite but distant actions afterwards, he clearly is not interested in you. Done.

    It appears that as you go on in life, you are creating reasons for being single and probable dating misses. You have a choice - feel good about your finances and self-appreciation of looks while being content with continuing to be unsuccessful with dates as a result. Or when you meet future guys, don't conduct the date like an interview. Instead try to relate to the other person, establish a connection that will have you both want to return for another date or continue contact.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    To be honest, it just sounds as though he didn't feel any sparks.

    I would just let it be.

    Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't

    If I were you, I wouldn't proceed with anything further, it's going to start looking pushy as he is already backing off.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Also, like others mentioned, you came across quite masculine ( please don't feel offended) talking about money and asking him if he got home safe would make a man feel like a boy.
    These were my thoughts too. However well intended, it did seem a bit much, perhaps even condescending.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're both on different wavelengths... let it be. This person isn't on the same page. I'm like you and don't have a problem discussing any issues on a first date. I'd rather have out with it than find out months or years down the line there is some issue with his credit for example. Don't take it personally. You're an openminded and caring person for accepting him and enjoying his company regardless of anything else. Nice touch messaging after the date. That's just how you roll. I wouldn't do that for anyone unless I cared. You cared. Find someone with the same initiative as you.

    I wouldn't push for a friendship with this person or take on his personal issues if he doesn't want to speak with you. He is his own person. Let him be. If he wants to speak with you he knows where to find you.

    I think you're having the same trouble filtering and screening people online as you do in real life, if you don't mind me saying. Online dating works if you know how to look. Take it easy and meet new people.

  7. #16
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Good for you for taking the initiative and asking him out!

    The easy go-to explanation for something like this is always "he just wasn't that interested." I would take it a little further and say that some of these guys (and maybe gals too but we're talking about men here) don't know how to be interested. People spend too much time online evaluating pictures and they don't know how to interact in real life.

    Beyond that, it's hard to know what specifically happened since no one here was on the date. For whatever reason he is unable to move this forward, indicating he just doesn't have his act together (if he did, he would be able to articulate something to you even if it's just "I changed my mind"). You seem like you do, in spades, so I'd quit texting him and would definitely not ask him "did I scare you off?" It's unfortunate that adult dating is not very adult-like and there's a lot of avoidance and obfuscation and just general nonsense, but keep putting yourself out there and being friendly and confident and at some point you will hopefully run across someone who is your match in terms of social skills, finances/career, and place in life.
    Last edited by waffle; 10-19-2019 at 03:02 PM. Reason: wording

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    For me a man with a kind heart who wants an actual relationship means more to me than his earning potential or a bit of balding on his head.
    Did you tell him that or did you just mention that you want a partner who is financially stable? He is not that if his credit is just now "improving" and he probably feels it best to let your pursuit of him go unnoticed????

    Perhaps he's waiting for you to do the asking since it is you that would make the decision to carry on with someone you have already said would be a deal breaker for you. Besides, he may not want to spend the money on dates if he's skint.

    I've posted that without reading any other response so my bad if it's already been mentioned.

  9. #18
    I appreciate everyoneís comments and input. I do want to explain a few things a bit further though. In the past when I was dating online I kept my career private and if asked I would be vague and not say what I actually do for a living. This way men are unaware and therefore not intimidated and it protects me as well from potential opportunists. Of course Iíd things progressed I would eventually disclose more information. But in this case this man works in the same industry as me at the same workplace and knows exactly what I do and what my job title is. In fact if we worked in the same department I would be considered a shift supervisor over him. As for the interviewing my date comments, I have been on many dates myself where i literally told my friends later I felt like I was on an interview. I do agree first dates should be more fun and relaxed but in this case this man knows a lot about me already and really the financial stuff was less than a five minute conversation. We discussed many topics and some were light hearted and funny. On a deeper note he even brought up having children and how his parents pressure him to have kids. I wondered if my comments about being unsure i could have kids at my age Also was a turn off for him (meaning heís would need to pursue much younger women). I really only mentioned the financial stuff bc I wondered if it had made him feel bad and if I had screwed up by making the few comments I made. I do regret saying anything as everyone here seems to agree that might have been what alienated him or made him feel inadequate. Interestingly enough I did not mention in my initial post that I found out he lives with his parents so I really wonder how bad his situation is or if living with them is more of a comfortable situation aka the Peter Pan syndrome. I found that to be more of a yellow flag than his hourly pay or yearly income TBH. These indeed are big topics but if they are deal breakers then why not discuss? Truly, his yearly income isnít a deal breaker for me, as long as he wouldnít mooch off me and would take care of his own expenses then why would I care as long as he has a good heart. I guess I assumed because I had asked him out and was aware of the financial differences that would be a ding ding to him that I honestly donít care about money, that I only want to live comfortably and be able to retire in good shape. Interestingly enough during conversation he mentioned being put off on prior dates when his date didnít offer to split the bill. When we got our drinks he ironically paid even though I had promised to treat him, but at dinner I thought it best to split the check especially since I was the one who initiated the date (even though dinner had been his suggestion). Because the job title differences and financial issues have been brought up by a few of my friends as a potential blow to his ego is why I mentioned it in my post. It seems like everyone really hung on to my comments about it and Iím not offended but I just wanted to clarify how things went down on the date. It was not an 8 hour date of me grilling him or prying into delicate topics or interviewing him about his bank account. And my hookup comment is a pretty standard line I tell men now as Iíve had too many men try early on to use me for sex. In his case I truly believe he is not that type of guy as he was always super sweet and sincere during our interactions in the past, bit as default I did want to mention it so he was aware i am seeking a relationship and not just a fun time.

    That all being said, I agree with you all that leaving him alone is for the best. Clearly if someone isnít interested continuing to text or message is annoying to the other person. I am glad I had limited my post date texts to only a few times as I donít want to look like a clingy needy stalker either.

    Truly I am disappointed at the loss of his friendship and I just donít know how to handle that. I feel like Iíve made him feel
    Uncomfortable or awkward where he essentially avoids the entire four walls where I am during work hours. I agree with the person who said it is unfortunate people canít be more upfront and stop avoiding. I am in no way perfect but after a few ghosting instances I learned that most people deserve an explanation and not to be left hanging especially when you know they are still Interested in you after 1 or more dates and you donít feel the same. I learned itís not that hard to send a text message after 1-2 dates saying ďhey it was great meeting you but I didnít feel a connection. I think you are a great (or fun or any other adjective) person good luck in your search.Ē Some people say you donít owe another person an explanation after one date but it really depends on the scenarioóif itís mutual meh for both parties and neither reaches out to other post date then thereís no explanation needed. I think this guy knows I am still interested and thinks if he poofs into thin air Iíll get the message (which worked, I guess!)

  10. #19
    I probably did not make that exact statement about seeking a kind hearted person without regard to earning potential. I likely did mess up here and it was purely unintentional. TBH I was surprised he had past credit issues because he appears pretty put together on the surface. I really didnít judge him when he disclosed his situation. He had been in a LTR and had paid for an entire wedding which ended up being called off and thatís really what he said hurt his credit.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Probably best not to mention finances at all on any kind of dates. It really isn't the time or place and it's extremely awkward.

    To be honest, I am really surprised it came up at all. I can't recall any dates I have ever had where anyone discussed money matters.
    I don't think you two were compatible or in the same headspace whatsoever.

    The date sounded more like a casual coworker meet rather than a date.
    But then this is another reason why you don't date people from work. It's never a good idea to mix business with pleasure.
    Keep the two seperate.

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