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Thread: Worried about what our coworkers will think.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If it works for you two it works.
    That's the problem with codependency. It really doesn't work but they stay and persevere as they complain about it, angst over it, et al.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    That's the problem with codependency. It really doesn't work but they stay and persevere as they complain about it, angst over it, et al.
    True.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Been trying to think of something to say hereóand, well, FiO said it.

    I mean, I could offer what I think is constructive advice, namely: that the easiest way to ensure that someone does not get tired of you is to ensure that you are not tired of yourself. So, make a list of things that make you excited to be you, or that you'd like to add to amp up that excitement, and do them. If anyone tires of that? So be it. Their loss, and you recover from that loss by taking comfort in the carnival of you, where nothing is ever tiring because carnivals are exciting. There's cotton candy when the Ferris wheel gets old, the haunted house when the funhouse loses its fun.

    Some people outsource the carnival to a relationship, also known as co-dependency. Some do this without knowing what co-dependency is, others use an encyclopedic knowledge of "codependent dynamics" to rationalize it, as if the label can serve as a shield. It's not, can't. The label is the sponge, and the glue. If you're cuddling up and joking about being in a codependent relationship, it means you're deep in a codependent relationship. Ever see someone finish a glass of wine, smile, and say, "I think I might drink too much"? It's because they drink too much.

    Talk to a couple who has been married for 10 years and ask them how things have changed, on a deep core level, from the first 3-9 months. "Not much," many will say, especially those in harmonious marriages, because that's the foundation, the engine. You're pouring yours right now, with much of the concrete already hardening.

    Can you just enjoy it for what it is? That's not a question asked with a dismissive eye roll, but genuinely. At the end of the day relationships are what they areónot, well, what they are notóand the only real reason people stay in them is because they're getting something. You both are getting something out of this. Neither of you seem remotely tired of what that something is, him in particular. He digs being around you as much as he digs reassuring you. You've run both those tests through laboratory, and the results are positive.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He digs being around you as much as he digs reassuring you. You've run both those tests through laboratory, and the results are positive.
    and that is exactly when it doesn't matter if you are codependent. When you have accepted and are happy in the dynamic. You're only in something unhealthy if you are not happy but you keep at it while trying to change the other while failing at it.

    Usually, in the beginning of the relationship it's cute and endurable. It's only when the new relationship energy has dissipated and you are getting to the nitty gritty of who the person is that the unable to accept rears its head. Lets just hope that you two don't ever get to the stage of no longer being able to accept, ConfusedLady. Rather than leave it to chance, why not get some professional advice and guidance on how to be more courageous, confident, trusting wherein you shine rather than hide? Are you afraid he won't find you as attractive if you are that woman? Don't you want to feel equal to the very woman you think are above you?

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  6. #15
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    btw, when i was 23, i was perceived as the "wounded bird". and you know what? When i changed and became stronger and more self assured (i already was not quite as wounded as my ex perceived me to begin with but i didn't give myself credit), my ex could not handle me coming into my own and tried to force me back into the wounded bird role so much that he would try to hurt me - to bring me back down to it vs appreciating someone was equal or exceeded him. just food for thought.

  7. #16
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    Worried about what our coworkers will think.

    I think you should try to find healthy and effective ways of managing your anxiety, and perhaps you may be suffering from depression as well since you mention that youíve been feeling down. Perhaps I can suggest some therapy to help build your confidence, as your anxiety seems to be counterproductive to your wellbeing.

    His ex should not be relevant at all. He is dating YOU. I donít know why she would even be mentioned unless they broke up very very recently.

    I think your boyfriend should be a little more supportive and reassure you when youíre feeling insecure or down. He doesnít seem to know how to provide this kind of emotional support in times of need. His amused reaction is inappropriate and shows that heís being dismissive and downplaying your concerns. Maybe thatís something you should discuss with him, and let him know how you would want him to help you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think your boyfriend should be a little more supportive and reassure you when youíre feeling insecure or down.
    Of course when the periods of insecurity and "down" are infrequent but no point enabling a show of over insecurity by rewarding it with MORE reassurance and support. That would be codependent relating if he were to entertain insecurity that has become an issue in their relationship. No one's bad habits should be supported in an ongoing way unless it is with a trained professional who can help nip said insecurity and "down" in the bud so it is cured rather than supported. JMHO

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Of course when the periods of insecurity and "down" are infrequent but no point enabling a show of over insecurity by rewarding it with MORE reassurance and support. That would be codependent relating if he were to entertain insecurity that has become an issue in their relationship. No one's bad habits should be supported in an ongoing way unless it is with a trained professional who can help nip said insecurity and "down" in the bud so it is cured rather than supported. JMHO
    I agree. She has been lamenting over not viewing herself as "good enough" for months now. He's either going to get tired of having to reassure her or he's unhealthy himself and enjoys feeling superior.

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