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Thread: issues regarding relocation with boyfriend

  1. #1
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    issues regarding relocation with boyfriend

    Hi everyone,


    My boyfriend got a great job on the other side of the country and I accepted to follow him. We have been together for two years. I had to quit my job and I am currently unemployed. Before leaving he told me he will pay for rent and food until I can find a job. He gave me a two month time frame to find one. The issue we are currently facing is he wants me to pay half of the food even if I still did not find a job. He said it is fair as I eat half of the food, actually not really but whatever.
    I tried to explain that it was unfair to me and that it was not the initial plan. He started telling me that it is what everybody has to do pay for their food. I agree with that but in our case I feel like it is a bit different as I am in this situation because I decided to follow him for his job opportunity, not because I am lazy and not willing to work.
    He mentioned that I should use my savings for education the time I find work to pay for food. He also added that a boyfriend should not pay for a girlfriend financially, that he was not in a stage of his life where he was willing to "subsidize" me. But he wants to be there for me emotionally. He also added that he thought my behavior was coming from entitlement and that I was a spoiled child. I was flabbergasted as I do not think it has anything to do with entitlement in our case.
    I would like to point out that I have always paid for my own things and never asked him any money. He wanted to do 50/50 at first on everything but I had to battle to get a 40/60 when we were both working even if the income percentage was not accurate. It was more like 30/70 but he said that the best it was willing to do. I am actually quite surprised he was willing to pay the full amount of rent until I find work but it was my condition to move.
    He offered me when I am a student to pay 70/30 for all expenses as I plan on doing my master next year.

    Do you think I am being entitled and unreasonable in this case? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Move back home. It would have been better to stay home and not follow someone like this. However enlist the help of friends and family to get you back home. Even if you find work this nitpicking about money will continue and erode your relationship. Do not stick around and help out with him settling in while he treats you like a freeloader. Call anyone back home and get out of there.

  3. #3
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    You hitched yourself to the wrong wagon. I agree, go home. Cut your losses.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with everyone else. Move back home, get a job, save your money, get back on your feet and then move out and enjoy your independence.

    From now on, remember this: "Love don't pay the rent." Whenever relationships are about money, "love" gets pitched out the window. Now it's down to survival and people show their true colors to you which is a sobering reality check. This is for all relationships whether partners, friends, family, in-laws, you name it.

    He's not emotionally there for you. He's full of hot air. He doesn't care if you starve nor have a roof over your head. That right there is proof that he does NOT care for you emotionally. He's full of it. (In my mind, I'd tell him to take a long walk on a short pier.)

    Never follow a man's life. Have your own life, job and financial security. Never take bad gambles. Never give up your job in order for a man to follow his dreams and opportunities. Never move on account of him. Be rational. Remain practical. Never quit your job until you've secured your next one! Use common sense.

    Focus on your education and career. Don't let your boyfriend mess up your life. You need to dump him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lolo747
    Hi everyone,


    My boyfriend got a great job on the other side of the country and I accepted to follow him. We have been together for two years. I had to quit my job and I am currently unemployed. Before leaving he told me he will pay for rent and food until I can find a job. He gave me a two month time frame to find one. The issue we are currently facing is he wants me to pay half of the food even if I still did not find a job. He said it is fair as I eat half of the food, actually not really but whatever.
    I tried to explain that it was unfair to me and that it was not the initial plan. He started telling me that it is what everybody has to do pay for their food. I agree with that but in our case I feel like it is a bit different as I am in this situation because I decided to follow him for his job opportunity, not because I am lazy and not willing to work.
    He mentioned that I should use my savings for education the time I find work to pay for food. He also added that a boyfriend should not pay for a girlfriend financially, that he was not in a stage of his life where he was willing to "subsidize" me. But he wants to be there for me emotionally. He also added that he thought my behavior was coming from entitlement and that I was a spoiled child. I was flabbergasted as I do not think it has anything to do with entitlement in our case.
    I would like to point out that I have always paid for my own things and never asked him any money. He wanted to do 50/50 at first on everything but I had to battle to get a 40/60 when we were both working even if the income percentage was not accurate. It was more like 30/70 but he said that the best it was willing to do. I am actually quite surprised he was willing to pay the full amount of rent until I find work but it was my condition to move.
    He offered me when I am a student to pay 70/30 for all expenses as I plan on doing my master next year.

    Do you think I am being entitled and unreasonable in this case? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks
    So did he go back on his agreement, or did that two months expire and indeed he now expects you to provide some form of financial contribution? Because honestly, if he's still paying rent, utilities, and whatever else, and just wants you to chip in for food despite you having had two months to get a job, that's pretty generous. Especially if you're all-the-while sitting on savings as he does indeed subsidize you.

    You can pat yourself on the back as much as you'd like for being the sacrificial lamb, but I'm sure, "You go ahead, and I'll work here while I apply and visit to interview until I find a job" are words contained within your vernacular. What you did isn't some big sacrifice. It's dropping your own personal responsibilities to ride the coat tails of someone else's life. I don't care if you call it lazy, diffident, lacking direction, whatever.

    And being frank, I don't know how a self-respecting adult could sit there and buck against the idea of pitching in for food, two months expired or not.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Pardon - would you please clarify again? I don't see what the issue is. He's not asking you to pay any rent, just food? What are your food expenses? Neither of you should be eating out. There are great ways to eat and make nutritious meals without being exorbitant about it.

    It sounds like he has more of an issue with your argument or resistance. Be more careful about how you argue together and ask him if he's feeling tight. You both may not be making use of your existing funds as well as you could be.

    If you sense that he's drifting or isn't as into this relationship, finding fault with you in other ways or becoming distant and unwilling to communicate with you, this is a different issue altogether. If you're both committed to the relationship and the issue is regarding budgeting and money, see if you both can be a bit more reasonable with your expenses.

    Another thought: He may sincerely be getting frustrated with your job search also. If you find yourself struggling, speak with a career counsellor and start visiting job or temping agencies even if it's to get your foot in the door. Go to free events and start networking. Work part time even if it's to tide you over or to get you started.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I'm assuming unemployment is not an option since you resigned from your job. If he cannot understand that your are relying on him for the moment like you both have talked about, then he doesn't really seem trustworthy.

  9. #8
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    This is who he is. It is good that you saw this now.

    Move back home.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's not a jerk, you are not a jerk, the problem is, you both didn't discuss a proper plan, like who pays for what/how much, for how long, what if one losses their job or can't find one or is unable to work, what would have been your plan B? C? or D? You both were naive going into this, and that is why there is resentment, etc. He's worried he's being taken advantage of, and you simply found yourself in a bad situation you can't get out of. No one actually sat down and figured out the numbers. I think he got scared,and started to renege on what he told you.
    Lets be adult here. This is about your future, and it's your responsibility, and you have to have accountability in how you deal with it. Your BF no longer wants the financial responsibility...fine, you need to get off your butt and figure out how you are going to do this on your own. I say go back home, live with your parents, or a relative/friend, get your old job back or a new one, and go to night school. Your BF? meh, that is up to you whether you want to keep this going or not.

  11. #10
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    Hi Everyone,

    The two months haven t expired yet as we have just moved here last week. As far as my job search, I have been looking for it from day one, even before moving. My first language is also not English but French. I do not consider this as being necessarily an obstacle to finding a job but I have to admit that it makes it harder for me during job interview as we live in anglophone province. This is obviously not the main problem of this thread, but my boyfriend coming back on our arrangement.

    Before moving, we agreed that if I was leaving my job, he will pay for rent and other expenses (food, other bills...) until I find a job. He did mention that he was willing to do this only for a limited time, no more than two months.

    My plan is to be a teacher and that is why I have been working to save as much as I could before going to university to avoid having too much debt. I was planning on starting next September. I am no sitting on a tons of savings either while my boyfriend is working and paying for everything to reply to somebody else's comment above. I have been paying for all my expenses until now. He just started to pay for everything recently.


    We also are very frugal people. We do not spend money in an extravagant way.

    I do agree that we should have talked about all the different possible scenarios before moving and talked about our expectations more in depth. It is hard for me to go back home as I am from Europe and all my family is there. I have been living in Canada for a little bit than two years. My boyfriend is not Canadian either but from Australia and got an amazing pilot job. Before leaving he told me that I should see this as a good opportunity for us down the road and follow him. In retrospect, I think I have been pretty naive to listen that.
    I have to admit that some comments above are pretty right. I should not have followed a man and finished what my university first, getting independent first.

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