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Thread: issues regarding relocation with boyfriend

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he divorced? He sounds quite bitter. Do not stay with this man. He's not acting like a partner, he's acting like an employer or dictator. He does not have the spirit of love or partnership or togetherness, he has the spirit of stinginess and selfishness.

    Why did he suggest you go with him? Surely purely for his benefit. He sounds like a penny-pinching, nitpicking difficult person to be around. Get on your feet but not for him, for yourself so you can get away from him.

    Even when you start contributing 50/50 he is the type who will continue to haggle over who used more milk, who turned up the heat, how long are your showers etc. He sounds insufferable and petty.
    Originally Posted by lolo747
    He added that he wanted me to be independent as soon as possible as he will never take care of me financially. I think money will be an issue for down the road though.

  2. #22
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    When i meant "go home" - i meant - back to where you were living for the past 2 years. maybe your old employer will take you back or you can network.

    For my defense, I did mention back in BC the possibility of me moving there after he got settled down but he did not like this idea as we were too far from each other.

    This is something you stand your ground on. Its nice that he doesn't like it, but that's just tough. People don't like a lot of things. If he doesn't like it, he can stay in Ontario or he can be patient when you find a job.

    And you say not having English as a first language is not a barrier. It may not be, but if you have a VISA that has restrictions to it, it is. If your dream is to be a teacher, i would have found a place with a couple female roommates and lived as inexpensively as possible and saved every dime because during school you need money to live on.

    I also think you should take any job you can find - even if its waiting tables, to start pulling your weight so he isn't paying 100% of everything.
    Instead of paying 50-50, agree to be responsible for a certain bill or be the one to buy groceries and go grocery shopping. if he wants anything special or extra above and beyond, he needs to get it

  3. #23
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    I would also look for jobs that are within an hour of where you are living. if it works out that you cannot live together but are still within a reasonable distance of eachother,at least its not as far as Ontario

  4. #24
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    I did mention in my post that before moving I checked that the town we were going to move in had a similar program which it had. Initially, I was planning to go to SFU but now with this moving not anymore.

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  6. #25
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    Wiseman 2 Your comment made me laugh as he told me when he agreed to pay food that I will have to not eat more than half of the food that he is paying for. I did not say anything as he eats more than I do anyway but I thought it was weird.

    He is not divorced but as a man in his thirties (34) he said I was his longer relationship. He has never had any relationship longer than 6-9 months. He likes to remind me how a good man he is, etc...He likes to hear he makes the best coffee, the best cooking, the best everything. At first, it was cute but now it is a bit tiring to hear. I do not know if he is looking for appreciation all the time. Is my coffee the best? is my food the best or what...

    I still care about him but the whole moving situation opened my eye on his actions on hard time. Before that I have never noticed anything as we were contributed everything equally.

    I also sold my little car back in BC, I am not complaining about it, but I asked him once to give me a ride to town. He did but told me that I would have to figure it out and start paying the public transport to get around. I do not think i was asking too much but for him he did not want to become an habit I guess.

    When I accepted to pay the food 50/50, i did tell him that in this situation I will also want to buy what I want and probably my own little things according to my budget. He did not appreciate this as he buys lots of meat which is quite expensive and he buys things that I do not necessarily enjoy eating. He likes wings chicken parts, I like the breast part as an example but even knowing it he will buy it because he is paying. He probably thought by sharing food expenses he will be able to buy what he wants and I will just give him half of the money without saying anything. I am not ok with that.

    He is the type of man that thinks that a relationship should be purely 50/50. I think he is in for a lot of trouble down the road with such a view. While I think everybody should contribute in the best way they can in the relationship, I would be afraid of staying with a guy like this in the long term. Let say his long term partner is getting sick or is having kids, he will not tolerate having to pay for whole the expenses while his partner cannot contribute. Scary!

  7. #26
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    Some guys pay for everything and I wouldn't expect that, but for him to be so petty and pedantic considering you're moving for him and will need to find a job fit is really petty. You are capable of finding someone more giving, and less rigid. My parents expect me to be independent, but they also think how a guy treats money is very indicative of how he will treat u. Stingy people are stingy with their emotions too.

  8. #27
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    There is a scene in the old movie (old to you) Joy Luck Club where the husband wants the wife to pay for half the food (or something like that) and she points out that she doesn't want to pay for his expensive tastes (I think one example was premium ice cream) and of course he is stingy in other ways too - I was in my 20s when I saw that awesome movie and that scene always stuck out for me -how cold he was/distant, how expensive/successful he was, etc. She divorces him and meets a really laid back guy from a different background (it's a movie focusing on an Asian family and one of the plot lines has to do with interracial relationships). That scene is actually worth watching IMO -I wish you could show it to your boyfriend too but what's the point....

    I'm married and it never occurred to us to split anything 50/50 - we didn't live together before marriage, we had a baby shortly after getting married and I was the full time parent so over the years we've figured out what makes sense for me to contribute as far as income (including when I went back to work) and for him to contribute. I actually do buy a lot of my own food that he doesn't eat (just different tastes/diets somewhat) and vice versa but it all comes out of our joint account and no one keeps track or comments. It's not about gender so much at all - it's more pragmatic. Also not about what's "fair" when it comes to finances. I think couples should discuss this in advance AND have the sort of relationship to keep discussing when the inevitable changes come up -sudden expenses/job change, etc.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's true, people like this are a nightmare to get involved in. Everything is on their terms. He will make your life hell weather you contribute 50% or 100%. People like this are never happy. Their huge egos need constant inflating. It's an empty existence.

    That may be why all the other women ran away after 6 mos. They started seeing what an cheap pompous ass he is. Maybe they had to listen to his tirades and pontificating if they ate one of "his" cookies. You can not please individuals like this. It's not a coincidence that he can't sustain a relationship and his absurd demands.

    Do not be bulldozed by his unreasonable demands, if you appease one, he'll just find another. Focus entirely on getting away from this selfish egotistical misanthrope. Just say, yes whatever etc and put all your effort into getting away from him.
    Originally Posted by lolo747
    Wiseman 2 Your comment made me laugh as he told me when he agreed to pay food that I will have to not eat more than half of the food that he is paying for. I did not say anything as he eats more than I do anyway but I thought it was weird.

    He has never had any relationship longer than 6-9 months.

  10. #29
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    He likes to remind me how a good man he is, etc...He likes to hear he makes the best coffee, the best cooking, the best everything. At first, it was cute but now it is a bit tiring to hear. I do not know if he is looking for appreciation all the time. Is my coffee the best? is my food the best or what...

    Goodness.

    Him telling you to "figure it out" for a ride. What a jerk. I can see wanting you to figure out public transportation because he won't always be available during the times he works but if he is around and you moved all the way out there, why can't he give you a ride?

    Honestly, if you can't get to interviews and the job bank, how can you find work to pay your share?

    He sounds like a piece of work. I would look into your old employer to see if you can have your old job back

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lolo747
    Wiseman 2 Your comment made me laugh as he told me when he agreed to pay food that I will have to not eat more than half of the food that he is paying for. I did not say anything as he eats more than I do anyway but I thought it was weird.

    He is not divorced but as a man in his thirties (34) he said I was his longer relationship. He has never had any relationship longer than 6-9 months. He likes to remind me how a good man he is, etc...He likes to hear he makes the best coffee, the best cooking, the best everything. At first, it was cute but now it is a bit tiring to hear. I do not know if he is looking for appreciation all the time. Is my coffee the best? is my food the best or what...

    I still care about him but the whole moving situation opened my eye on his actions on hard time. Before that I have never noticed anything as we were contributed everything equally.

    I also sold my little car back in BC, I am not complaining about it, but I asked him once to give me a ride to town. He did but told me that I would have to figure it out and start paying the public transport to get around. I do not think i was asking too much but for him he did not want to become an habit I guess.

    When I accepted to pay the food 50/50, i did tell him that in this situation I will also want to buy what I want and probably my own little things according to my budget. He did not appreciate this as he buys lots of meat which is quite expensive and he buys things that I do not necessarily enjoy eating. He likes wings chicken parts, I like the breast part as an example but even knowing it he will buy it because he is paying. He probably thought by sharing food expenses he will be able to buy what he wants and I will just give him half of the money without saying anything. I am not ok with that.

    He is the type of man that thinks that a relationship should be purely 50/50. I think he is in for a lot of trouble down the road with such a view. While I think everybody should contribute in the best way they can in the relationship, I would be afraid of staying with a guy like this in the long term. Let say his long term partner is getting sick or is having kids, he will not tolerate having to pay for whole the expenses while his partner cannot contribute. Scary!
    Luckily you've discovered this now. I'd re-evaluate your plans and move back to BC for the SFU program. Don't stay stuck in Ontario working odd jobs or give up your dream for a program you originally wanted to do. Don't do this. You'll look back at your life and wonder where your 20s and 30s went. Start it right now, do it right. You didn't come all the way from Europe, get your PR, to stay stuck with a man you can barely tolerate.

    I'd start creating an exit plan right now and make your way back to BC asap, living here is not cheap with the cost of living but I'd try hard to find a place and carve out some savings and recoup what you've lost. Stay close to transit in Vancouver/Lower Mainland and take the train. Don't rely on anyone else and don't be afraid to start over. You're grasping at straws in Ontario. Your program is only two years (four semesters) long.

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