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Thread: To have hope or not?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2019

    To have hope or not?

    I am looking for advice on a recent relationship of mine that ended.
    It began over a year ago as friends with benefits - we would hang out, play sports, watch tv, and the sex was amazing. At the time I was recently out of a long term relationship with a man I thought I would marry and have kids with but it turned out that for 2 years, half our relationship - heíd been seeing prostitutes behind my back. Turned out it was a habit of his from his teenage years and while there were parts of our relationship that could have been better and which I could have chosen to work on with him and work through the unfaithfulness, I decided to end the relationship against his wishes.
    When I started the FWBs relationship I felt that maybe it wasnít a good idea as itís outside my relationship Ďnormí but that as I didnít feel ready to start a new relationship yet, it couldnít hurt to have fun and explore with someone I got along with. When I realised I was developing feelings, I realised I was probably ready to start a new Ďrealí relationship, I went to end it with my FWB as I wanted to look for something more serious. We continued seeing each other but with increasing frequency and more depth - after months he introduced me to his parents and I to his - we then had the exclusive chat. Due to our jobs we knew that this may still be a limited relationship ( I was being transferred hours away in a few months) but we were seeing how things went.

    It was a tricky relationship for us both - being his first relationship at 24 and my first learning to trust someone again. I was very untrusting without reason and I often blamed him for not helping but over the months I learnt to be a lot more trusting in him. I was also very afraid of losing him - which I didnít realise at the time, I pushed him to like me more, or show more affection and ended up making him feel like I was relying on him for my happiness. I also tried to push him away a lot, Iím not sure if I was afraid he was going to leave or hurt me or the distance would do it eventually and I wanted to do it first or if I was subconsciously testing him. He didnít always respond well and I often felt this made me feel worse but, why would you when you are constantly being put at fault for someone elseís feelings? Either way it was unfair on him and he was incredibly patient with me and I have been putting effort into working on my issues so that I donít make the same mistakes in future relationships.

    Aside from these issues we got along well, he felt I treated him amazingly and he cared deeply about me. There were times where I would essentially be ready to leave because I felt I wasnít getting what I needed from the relationship ( when in reality I think it was my own insecurities) and he would get very upset at the prospect of it and convince me to stay.
    When I tried to talk about the future and whether ours lined up he would generally say he wanted the same things.

    But a couple of weeks ago he told me I could say how I felt, he knew what he wanted me to say, I love you. I said it, because I did and I felt safe that with him bringing it up he was ready to say it back. He didnít, he said he was getting there, we were long distance by this point and I was saying bye to him at the airport. This really upset me and threw me back to needing reassurance which he didnít really give a lot of. I know that love isnít given to be received but I really felt that heíd put me in a position where I felt so vulnerable.

    Over the next weeks we talked back and forth and I got to a point where I felt I ought to leave the relationship due to feeling it was out of balance, despite really loving this man. I couldnít do it. He did it for me - he wasnít sure he would ever feel the same and didnít like my unhappiness. He said he was happy with us but he couldnít keep stringing me along when he didnít know if his feelings would get stronger. We were both crying our eyes out on the phone.

    We talked again a week later and he admitted he hadnít intended to break up in that conversation but that was where the conversation took us and he still felt it was for the best. We talked for hours and at times he said he wasnít sure he was right but then that he didnít think we could continue as we were as it wouldnít work long term. He said maybe in the future - I said I didnít want him to say that as I didnít want to feel like I was a potential back up plan, being left with enough hope to hang on and he said well you wouldnít feel like that if when weíre 40 weíre happily married with kids.
    I struggled to hang up but we did and havenít spoken since, only a week.

    I am still working on myself and getting out in my new city and meeting people and doing things but I am still hopeful for a reunion. I still keep tossing up between trying no contact to get him back, just trying to be friends with him for now or writing it off as a learning experience and moving on.

    I guess I need to be told the harsh truth that this is very likely not going to end up in a happily ever after to help me make the decision to move on?
    Last edited by kamurj; 10-19-2019 at 08:46 PM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Personally I'd write this off and keep on keeping on.

    It sounds very messy and LDR are doomed to fail generally.

    I'd take this time to take time out of dating for yourself and focus on you. You moved quickly from one relationship to another even if that wasn't the intention.

    Take things slow in the future and don't push people away. It's not healthy in a serious relationship. Good luck. You will be fine.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Don't have hope. His heart's not into you. He can never summon the courage to tell you he genuinely loves you because he doesn't, I'm sorry to say. It was just as well that you two broke up. He wasn't meant for you and it didn't work out.

    Don't contact him nor try getting him back. Never grovel nor act desperate. Don't try to be friends. He wants to break free so let him and you should do the same. Yes, write him off as a learning experience and move on indeed.

    Focus on your own life with your new city, meet new people, surround yourself with good friends and don't hope for a reunion because associating with him will dredge up bad memories. It's not healthy for both of you. Out of sight, out of mind is better until both of you become a distant blur.

    Take a break and a breather. Being alone is better than feeling lonely with the wrong person.

    From now on, learn to enjoy life and when you meet a man, keep the relationship simple, undramatic and joyous. Observe personality and character. If there are blips and red flags, beware by erring on the side of caution and don't get involved with him. Anytime a relationship requires too much work to keep it afloat, it's not working and it's an obvious mismatch.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    He doesn't feel the same and its long distance. I'm sorry, but this does not have a future.

    Time to block, delete and move on.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-18-2019 at 07:37 PM.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    writing it off as a learning experience and moving on.
    I vote for this.

    Sorry it ended up this way but clearly you didn't have a tight enough bond to survive the long distance. You were a soft place to land for one another when neither of you were in a good place to date seriously and with an actual dating goal in mind.

    That old poem comes to mind in your situation: It goes in part.. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I believe he came into your life for two of those. A reason and a season. Your "lifetime" is out there waiting for you to be free in heart and mind and with an end goal to your dating.

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