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Thread: Are we still just friends? Or are we less?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    That she is manipulating you into Life Coaching her through things she isn't confident enough or has networked enough to form on her own and she pays you for your services by stroking your ego?
    Thanks!
    Yes, that is a pretty accurate description.
    It's not just stroking of my ego, it's also some camaraderie and an more recently, an utterly honest admission of who she is and how she operates. More recently, there is also an insane level of personal information she's shared, which one would normally not share with even close family members, potentially not even with one's eventual love interest. There is something magically bewitching and charming in this kind of forthrightness, that lets me see her in a raw and earthy way.
    I find myself hooked to this level of daring honesty, since her utterly detailed sharing is naturally providing me with a window into another human being. I guess this is how she is playing her Sirens act (Greek mythology reference).
    This probably does not end well, then.
    Thanks for the forewarning.
    A million thanks!

  2. #12
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    Thank you, appreciate it.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by KittenLittle
    You are quite the eloquent writer. When you say you want to end a few things, what does than mean, exactly? What do you want with her? Can you define it? To thine own self be true.

    Otherwise, it sounds like this woman has a flirtatious nature and way of dealing with men that she has learned gets her what she wants. She may be puzzled as to why it doesn't totally work on you. This is not the same as being interested, though. She is not used to being distanced by men is my read.
    She's honest enough, of late, to admit that she has drawn in over 50 men into her life at various points, for various reasons. And has taken their "help" without giving anything back in any way. She also admits that I can read her too well and that she finds this to be attractive.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You say "daring honesty", I say "millennial, minx-like oversharing"—the sort of stuff that gets the #brave hashtag, and the peach emoji, on an IG post of someone's butt in a vintage bikini above a caption about overcoming an eating disorder. It's got some graduate school gloss, I get it, but it's just a different flavor of the same candy, and you've got a sweet tooth for it.

    Again, something about the way you write about her has this whiff of something you don't take seriously. It's more 2D than 3D, like describing the dirt on the mountain as opposed to the dirt on your body after hiking the mountain. Maybe that's where you are right now, liking that detached approach to the "mystery" of humanity. In this, she has presented a perfect vessel: half person, half persona.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by simple cure
    That reads like cliffnotes for worthwhile novel. Thanks for sharing the story!
    I am inclined to think that you would be wise to keep your feelings in check, possibly pull back a bit.
    She seems like someone who takes getting her way very naturally, so why wouldn't you go the next step? Because this is just how she wants it.
    If she wanted more from you she would have let you know by now.
    Nothing personal, you fit a thing she wanted, if you go beyond that I'm pretty sure you will not like the results.
    But then what do I really know? Maybe I'm totally wrong and giving you terrible advice.
    Yes, I am not sure that I want to "go beyond" friendship - a short-term approach is the only sensible way to look at this, especially given her candidness about going with the flow, and, about how she is able to draw in countless men, at will, to do her bidding, without needing to give anything in return. She's also candid enough to admit that she has broken several hearts on account of ill-matched expectations, and that she couldn't care less. She says she watches women (out of curiosity) when she is walking on the road, but not the men - she couldn't be less bothered about the men, and yet all the men watch her.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you've been friends for a long time but it never made it to the dating arena. Just curious what type of journal format/outline this is with 2020-2021 already entered? Are you setting up a manuscript for a novel?
    Not quite a novel here. Four chapters though, and normally, in life the number of such chapters with one individual, stops at 1. The constant presence in my life of this distant but demanding orb is now forcing me to ask questions - do I let if flow as it has for 3+ years, or, do I give it some shape?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Curious to know if she's younger than you, though it doesn't change the general tenor of what I see here.

    It's not really so complicated, is it? You're smart and eloquent enough to give it some flair—appreciate all that, by the way—but this is a kind of friendships and flirtationship. There's plenty genuine there, but there's also the insincere edge you both enjoy and cultivate. That's the simulacrum stuff, where you can each use each other to play out little fantasies, indulge in certain "feelings" and "experiments" in a laboratory of two made safe because the exit doors are always marked, and wide open.

    Million dollar question, evaded in your words, is: What do you want?

    Were I to venture a hypothesis? Well, this part isn't as gentle. I'd say you are feeling her outgrowing you, a bit, as well as feeling yourself outgrowing her, and you don't like that. You want to nudge the compass back, just a touch, so your place in her life is as it was—pure sparkles, no grit. But you're not a fool, grit is grit, so you're also thinking of distancing yourself a bit—so, who knows, maybe you have room to enjoy something less fluttery and more genuine. You're just not quite ready to draw that hard line in the sand, even if it meant a more genuine friendship, because the sparkles are nice. And here you are.

    Observations? If I was reading the above as a piece of literature, I would say the protagonist (you) holds his own worth at a level approximately twice as high as the level of the heroine's (her). I'd say he sees her more as character in his personal story, than a woman carving out her own—and in that there is the hitch: she polishes his shine, but the price of that polish is disrespect. He is not quite capable of respecting her, as person. Close, but not quite. He takes her half as seriously as he takes himself, and both he and she knows this. They have found ways to play on that jagged edge, and grow a bit, but a jagged edge is a jagged edge. To grow even taller, and richer, they need to let go—at least for a good stretch.

    But can their human hearts and human bodies and human egos handle that? That is the stuff for the third act, so ask yourself: What story do you want to write?
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You say "daring honesty", I say "millennial, minx-like oversharing"—the sort of stuff that gets the #brave hashtag, and the peach emoji, on an IG post of someone's butt in a vintage bikini above a caption about overcoming an eating disorder. It's got some graduate school gloss, I get it, but it's just a different flavor of the same candy, and you've got a sweet tooth for it.

    Again, something about the way you write about her has this whiff of something you don't take seriously. It's more 2D than 3D, like describing the dirt on the mountain as opposed to the dirt on your body after hiking the mountain. Maybe that's where you are right now, liking that detached approach to the "mystery" of humanity. In this, she has presented a perfect vessel: half person, half persona.
    Thank you Sir, for your flowing, enchanting prose. There is certainly an edge that our interaction has, one that is missing in many connections. The edge with her is far more intense and daring than any other edge I have explored with any other connection with the opposite sex - and this intensity acts as a charm.
    I do practice detachment and teach meditation in one other chapter in my life - and that is another dimension of mine that is of interest to her.
    And yes, her extreme sharing does create an intimate space shared by the two of us. I have taken to the spirit of the times to do some extreme sharing as well, and have had the pleasure to having her genuinely listen and try to understand.
    Her extreme sharing has also led us both to a conclusion that I find surprising in its contrariness - that despite all that she has done and done, she's actually a traditional, somewhat conservative person at heart, and that she is not a feminist at heart.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she a muse for your musings? Maybe you just like looking at her so whatever she does or says is magic unicorn poop? 🦄🌈
    Originally Posted by NycGuy2019
    Not quite a novel here. Four chapters though, and normally, in life the number of such chapters with one individual, stops at 1. The constant presence in my life of this distant but demanding orb is now forcing me to ask questions - do I let if flow as it has for 3+ years, or, do I give it some shape?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she a muse for your musings? Maybe you just like looking at her so whatever she does or says is magic unicorn poop? 🦄🌈
    She is definitely easy on the eye - easier than most women most men would have met in their lifetimes. But she reads philosophy and Camus, talks about her ballet classes and, expresses in some detail, what she learnt from her sports lessons in school when she had to drop out of national levels in a sport on account of injury. So, physical charm apart, there is enough that makes her interesting.

    I am a sucker for conversations that involve philosophy and literature and meditation, irrespective of who my conversation partner is .

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    If you didn't "like her a lot," then why were you exchanging 20 messages and sharing intimate details? Also, why this in depth story about her character and life? You seem very invested for someone you claim to not really like or respect.

    I also find it odd that you have tell us how compassionate, giving and successful you are in school. It is not relevant. Modesty is a big plus in my book.
    Thanks for your advice about modesty - will certainly keep that in mind. Thank you for taking a minute to advice a random stranger struggling to understand his situation better.

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