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Thread: Can I trust my boyfriend?

  1. #1
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    Can I trust my boyfriend?

    My boyfriend of 6 months disclosed his thoughts with me about meeting up with a girl that he slept with 2 years ago, whom he said both have no sexual tension or connections with each other, that has never been to our city. She wants him to show him around.

    He offers to meet her at his favorite Bar. He told me he going to drink with her, maybe get drunk. And then have his mom pick him up after.

    I offer to pick him up and drive him home safely, and to see how he feels after the hang out.
    He said heís loyal when heís in a relationship, and he wonít do anything stupid or sexual. He just want to reconnect with a old friend.

    Should I trust him?
    What should I say?
    What should I do?
    Thank you!

  2. #2
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    If he's not inviting you along then I don't know why he wants his mum picking him up instead of his girlfriend if there's nothing in it. Does this girl even know her friend has a girlfriend?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Hmmm...

    The good sign is that he is apparently honest with you.

    The bad sign is that he is planning to drink to excess alone with a girl he has had intimate relations with. At the very least this shows a lack of awareness of appropriate boundaries in a stable and healthy relationship.

    The rest depends on the following:

    1) What sort of friend is this girl? If she was an ex from a meaningful relationship that ended on good terms, or a good friend who he happened to have slept with (fwb situation?)... then I can sort of understand why he might want to meet her. If she was just a meaningless fling or Tinder hookup, I would seriously question why he would even want to meet her in the first place.

    Put it this way, I know a girl from Tinder in Hong Kong, we have had minimal communications since the last time I met her, we are not really friends... if I ask her to show me around her city when I visit Hong Kong, it would be pretty obvious what else I am hoping to happen.

    2) If there is nothing between the two of them anymore, why don't you go with them? Why not introduce you as his girlfriend? Has he steered you away from this option? If there is nothing to hide, why can't you be there?

    3) Why is he already planning to get drunk with her? Why is he planning to get drunk period? Does he have a problem with binge drinking? Is he alcoholic? I mean it is one thing to enjoy a drink socially, but it is a red flag for me that he is planning to get wasted. That sounds incredibly immature and reckless given the company he is planning to have.

  4. #4
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    Thank you mirrorknight for the insightful response!
    I am feel a little skeptical about this hang out.

    To answer your question,
    This was a girl he met 2 years ago traveling, they had a 2 day fling and never met again. Until now when she contacted him to visit our city.

    I know right, I agree why did he have to say heís going to get drunk?! Why not just drink responsibly and socially.

    My boyfriend said ďI am against cheating you know that, Iím not going to do anything stupid or sexual with her, she just wants to reconnect with me, and I even told her that Iím disclosing this with my girlfriend before meeting with her, I just want to let you know if youíre okay with this? If not then I can cut it off with herĒ

    Whatís your advise to this response?
    Thank you so much :)

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    Thank you mirrorknight for the insightful response!
    I am feel a little skeptical about this hang out.

    To answer your question,
    This was a girl he met 2 years ago traveling, they had a 2 day fling and never met again. Until now when she contacted him to visit our city.

    I know right, I agree why did he have to say heís going to get drunk?! Why not just drink responsibly and socially.

    My boyfriend said ďI am against cheating you know that, Iím not going to do anything stupid or sexual with her, she just wants to reconnect with me, and I even told her that Iím disclosing this with my girlfriend before meeting with her, I just want to let you know if youíre okay with this? If not then I can cut it off with herĒ

    Whatís your advise to this response?
    Thank you so much :)
    Out of curiousity, how old are you and your boyfriend?

    The fact that this girl slept with your boyfriend whilst travelling tells me that she is rather promiscuous. The fact that she wants him to show her around your city tells me that (if he has not told her about you) she is probably considering hooking up again and maybe saving some money on hotels if she can just stay with him for a few days. I'm afraid this is closer to the Tinder scenario I mentioned above.

    I would tell your bf something along the lines of...

    "I don't think it is appropriate for either of us to go drinking alone with somebody of the opposite sex... with a group of friends, sure, but not one on one, especially if it is somebody we have had past romantic/sexual history with.

    If you would still like to meet her, you should make sure that she knows that you are no longer single, and I will go with you (or if you are unable to go, at a push, he can arrange a night out with a group of friends and invite that girl along)"

    As for the showing her around the city touristy-wise, it depends on where you want to draw the boundary in your relationship. I would potentially be okay with my SO showing a guy around a landmark or something in the daytime, but it is also totally reasonable if you just do not want him to meet up with her at all. If he is being honest, she should not mean that much to him.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Oh an example from my recent experience that is somewhat relevant for you... when I first came to Singapore for work, I met up with friend (a girl) living here that I knew from primary school, who I also met once or twice when she was studying in the UK. So we have known each other for a very long time, but we are not really close friends. (We also have no past history together at all.)

    Before we met up, in the catch-up chat when I told her that I was going to Singapore, she told me that she was married (and I told her that I had a girlfriend), so we had no illusions about what the meeting was about... we went to a tourist location together, had dinner and then said our goodbyes. We kept our boundaries, respecting her husband and my girlfriend (now ex, sadly), no drinking to excess and parting ways around 9pm. An example of a reasonable catch up between friends of the opposite sex who were not single.

    It would have been a little weird if her husband had come along for the whole afternoon and evening, since I do not know him at all... but if he had joined us for dinner, that would have been totally fine too. If he did not want his wife to spend so much time alone with another guy, she should respect that too.

  8. #7
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    My boyfriend and I are 27 years old.
    So weíre in a healthy & happy relationship.
    Thank you! I agree with you, he should invited friends or me to tag along. I donít know if heís being oblivious about the hang out.
    He chose to meet her at a bar around 5pm in the afternoon. Just him and her. (Iíll be at work still so I canít tag along).

    So he told the girl that heís taken, and heís disclosing all of this the girlfriend (me).

    He ask me if itís alright with me? Or do you want me to cancel?

    Itís such a weird feeling, I donít think itís jealousy? Is it? Or is it trust issues? Or resentment? I donít what this feeling is...weird..

    But I told him I trust him, weíre adults, just donít do anything stupid or sexual. And then he said back
    ďHey you can pick me up after the hang out, and we can go back to your place and talk it outĒ

    What are some questions to ask him about after his meet up to ask him?

    Thank you so much for your advice!
    :)

  9. #8
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    Thank you for sharing your Singapore story, I appreciate it.
    It helps me understand that 2 people of the opposite sex can hang out without any sexual tension, in respect for their partners. Itís just more rare to find people like that to trust.

    I know my story is a modern day disaster for trust issues, and I know itís hard to understand and respect all the red flags being pulled up.
    But how can I trust him or even her to not cause anything to our relationship?

  10. #9
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    I have really good guy friends but I'd never go drinking and get wasted with one of I had a bf. It's kinda inappropriate. And he's had a fling with her before...I wouldn't be comfortable with this, and I'm very chill. I normally would mind if a bf had dinner or lunch with a female friend.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    My boyfriend and I are 27 years old.
    So weíre in a healthy & happy relationship.
    Thank you! I agree with you, he should invited friends or me to tag along. I donít know if heís being oblivious about the hang out.
    He chose to meet her at a bar around 5pm in the afternoon. Just him and her. (Iíll be at work still so I canít tag along).

    So he told the girl that heís taken, and heís disclosing all of this the girlfriend (me).

    He ask me if itís alright with me? Or do you want me to cancel?

    But I told him I trust him, weíre adults, just donít do anything stupid or sexual. And then he said back
    So you canít get there by 5?
    So what time does suit you to go with your bf to meet this ď platonic ď friend ( ex hook up really) to have lots of drinks with?

    He told you that he told her about you. Maybe he did or maybe he didnít.

    He has asked you if he should cancel??? Thatís not your call. Itís up to him to decide on whether he wants to adhere to normal boundaries within a relationship! Which is not having one on one meets with the opposite sex?

    He is an , turning this on you!
    Your reply should be that your idea of an honest relationship would be not meeting people of the opposite sex on a one on one basis and that a group setting is ok.

    If she means that much to him , surely he would be happy to introduce you?

    Why did you tell him you trust him, but then say this ďweíre adults, just donít do anything stupid or sexualĒ?????

    That suggests you donít trust him!!! If you trust him , you shouldnít need to provide a do or donít list!?

    Donít be afraid to lay boundaries within a relationship?
    And donít be afraid to say no to a guy manipulating them!

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