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Thread: Can I trust my boyfriend?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry, I was riffing when you were writing this riff.

    I'd keep it much simpler. No need to say much about her, and especially no need to bring words like "promiscuous" into things. Don't think anything good has ever come on planet earth by a person using that word. So, something like:

    "I appreciate you being transparent about this, but it's not settling with me and what I need from a committed relationship. Perhaps we haven't had a talk about the boundaries we each need, and of course those can be different, but I'm not someone who can cultivate a romantic commitment with someone who wants to also cultivate friendships with former flings outside of the relationship. Those two things are at odds, for me."

    Or some such. And then he will respond...however he responds. Listen to that. Does he get defensive? Does he try to make it sound like no big deal, even though you just told him that it is a big deal, for you? Or does he take you seriously, and take you plus him seriously? You will learn a lot from just listening about whether he can respect your truth, and whether your individual truths can coexist.
    Wow thank you for editing! Thank you for helping me understanding this strange situation that he put me in. Okay...Iím a bit nervous to send him this response even after I told him it was okay for him to meet. Let me rethink and make it sound less controlling and more fair....mmmmm....And youíre right! It will be his response that will make him either sound defensive or accepting or something else!
    I will let you and everyone know what his response is once I send him this confronting text.
    Omg....Iím so nervous! Lol I havenít done this in a long time.... lol

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you believe that they merely slept together and that there is no connection? He sounds like a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. Do not offer to pick him up.
    Hahaha! Thank you for your advice, he is the type that likes to have his cake and eat it too. Lol! I just wanted to offer him a ride so that I donít sound worst for him placing me in this weird situation

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is a great moment, I think, for you. Can it be great for you two? Who knows, my eyebrows are as raised as yours, and his response plus more time will dictate a lot of that. But that's the less important question, so try to combat some of those nerves by reminding yourself that you are, right now, taking care of yourself by cherishing your truth. You know what you see in the mirror, and it's not a controlling woman. If that's what he sees, so be it. His loss because he's wearing some very funny glasses.

    It is totally understandable for a human to want to hang with someone they've had a little thing withófor a multitude of human reasons. I would say it is very rare to find someone who believes such hangs are conducive to a solid relationship, though some people, men and women, will look for people who validate that instinct (an A+ for bad math) and further validate it through blurry relationships (at which point no math makes sense).

    If he is one such person he is not your person.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    So I asked him holly, and he said he would be fine with me to do the same as him, which is so weird to hear, but I would never do that with someone from my past
    Really?!......

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  6. #35
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    Let us know...

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you're putting yourself in this position. Anyone can see through why you want to pick him up. You can send him whatever you wish, but it's not going to change anything.
    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    he is the type that likes to have his cake and eat it too. Lol! I just wanted to offer him a ride so that I donít sound worst for him placing me in this weird situation

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    So I asked him holly, and he said he would be fine with me to do the same as him, which is so weird to hear, but I would never do that with someone from my past
    This is either arrogance or lack of awarenessóprobably both, neither appealing qualities.

    Arrogance = he doesn't think you have a similar joker card hiding in your deck.

    Lack of awareness = he has no idea how "I'm going to get drunk with someone I barely know but slept with and have mom pick me up" sounds to fellow human ears.

    On some level, to analyze this more than it deserves, I think what he thinks he said to you is different. He doesn't realize he weaponized it all, because it clashes with his self-conception as a good, mature dude. I'm not saying he's a "bad" monster, but mature? No. People who weaponize things, without awareness, are the sort of people generally referred to as "dangerous." Spend too much time near weapons and you get hurt, and loaded guns can't be tamed.

    The big question in your head right now should be: Is this what I want to be dealing with, in my life, in a relationship? Never stop asking that, because it's the question you can answer. Asking questions about him, or anyone, is just a black hole.

  9. #38
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    I wouldn't offer to pick him up. I just don't think he should go to meet this woman on his own.

    OP, have there been other red flags?

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I wouldn't offer to pick him up. I just don't think he should go to meet this woman on his own.

    OP, have there been other red flags?
    This is the first Time seeing this with red flags.
    Iíll let you guys know what he says, if heís defensive or accepting or something else!

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is either arrogance or lack of awarenessóprobably both, neither appealing qualities.

    Arrogance = he doesn't think you have a similar joker card hiding in your deck.

    Lack of awareness = he has no idea how "I'm going to get drunk with someone I barely know but slept with and have mom pick me up" sounds to fellow human ears.

    On some level, to analyze this more than it deserves, I think what he thinks he said to you is different. He doesn't realize he weaponized it all, because it clashes with his self-conception as a good, mature dude. I'm not saying he's a "bad" monster, but mature? No. People who weaponize things, without awareness, are the sort of people generally referred to as "dangerous." Spend too much time near weapons and you get hurt, and loaded guns can't be tamed.

    The big question in your head right now should be: Is this what I want to be dealing with, in my life, in a relationship? Never stop asking that, because it's the question you can answer. Asking questions about him, or anyone, is just a black hole.
    Omg....youíre right....
    Heís not a bad guy, and like you said I thought itís him being mature. But then he might be playing it smart by being arrogant and thinking I have a joker card hiding in my deck. (I like how you put that in words!)
    Itís so weird for him to think getting drunk with a fling from the past while being in a committed relationship is normal?? Like youíre so correct! Itís doesnít sound fair to other fellow humans!! Lol

    So I had a lot of people agreeing with what you say! And to confront and cancel the meeting between him and this fling. But I also had 1 friend that told me, heís at a be of maturity, let him be honest, let him meet her, donít control him or tell him what he canít or cannot do. You donít want to hold the rabbit so type that it wants to leave you.

    Whatís your opinion On that?

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