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Can I trust my boyfriend?


ButterToast

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My boyfriend of 6 months disclosed his thoughts with me about meeting up with a girl that he slept with 2 years ago, whom he said both have no sexual tension or connections with each other, that has never been to our city. She wants him to show him around.

 

He offers to meet her at his favorite Bar. He told me he going to drink with her, maybe get drunk. And then have his mom pick him up after.

 

I offer to pick him up and drive him home safely, and to see how he feels after the hang out.

He said he’s loyal when he’s in a relationship, and he won’t do anything stupid or sexual. He just want to reconnect with a old friend.

 

Should I trust him?

What should I say?

What should I do?

Thank you!

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Hmmm...

 

The good sign is that he is apparently honest with you.

 

The bad sign is that he is planning to drink to excess alone with a girl he has had intimate relations with. At the very least this shows a lack of awareness of appropriate boundaries in a stable and healthy relationship.

 

The rest depends on the following:

 

1) What sort of friend is this girl? If she was an ex from a meaningful relationship that ended on good terms, or a good friend who he happened to have slept with (fwb situation?)... then I can sort of understand why he might want to meet her. If she was just a meaningless fling or Tinder hookup, I would seriously question why he would even want to meet her in the first place.

 

Put it this way, I know a girl from Tinder in Hong Kong, we have had minimal communications since the last time I met her, we are not really friends... if I ask her to show me around her city when I visit Hong Kong, it would be pretty obvious what else I am hoping to happen.

 

2) If there is nothing between the two of them anymore, why don't you go with them? Why not introduce you as his girlfriend? Has he steered you away from this option? If there is nothing to hide, why can't you be there?

 

3) Why is he already planning to get drunk with her? Why is he planning to get drunk period? Does he have a problem with binge drinking? Is he alcoholic? I mean it is one thing to enjoy a drink socially, but it is a red flag for me that he is planning to get wasted. That sounds incredibly immature and reckless given the company he is planning to have.

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Thank you mirrorknight for the insightful response!

I am feel a little skeptical about this hang out.

 

To answer your question,

This was a girl he met 2 years ago traveling, they had a 2 day fling and never met again. Until now when she contacted him to visit our city.

 

I know right, I agree why did he have to say he’s going to get drunk?! Why not just drink responsibly and socially.

 

My boyfriend said “I am against cheating you know that, I’m not going to do anything stupid or sexual with her, she just wants to reconnect with me, and I even told her that I’m disclosing this with my girlfriend before meeting with her, I just want to let you know if you’re okay with this? If not then I can cut it off with her”

 

What’s your advise to this response?

Thank you so much :)

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Thank you mirrorknight for the insightful response!

I am feel a little skeptical about this hang out.

 

To answer your question,

This was a girl he met 2 years ago traveling, they had a 2 day fling and never met again. Until now when she contacted him to visit our city.

 

I know right, I agree why did he have to say he’s going to get drunk?! Why not just drink responsibly and socially.

 

My boyfriend said “I am against cheating you know that, I’m not going to do anything stupid or sexual with her, she just wants to reconnect with me, and I even told her that I’m disclosing this with my girlfriend before meeting with her, I just want to let you know if you’re okay with this? If not then I can cut it off with her”

 

What’s your advise to this response?

Thank you so much :)

 

Out of curiousity, how old are you and your boyfriend?

 

The fact that this girl slept with your boyfriend whilst travelling tells me that she is rather promiscuous. The fact that she wants him to show her around your city tells me that (if he has not told her about you) she is probably considering hooking up again and maybe saving some money on hotels if she can just stay with him for a few days. I'm afraid this is closer to the Tinder scenario I mentioned above.

 

I would tell your bf something along the lines of...

 

"I don't think it is appropriate for either of us to go drinking alone with somebody of the opposite sex... with a group of friends, sure, but not one on one, especially if it is somebody we have had past romantic/sexual history with.

 

If you would still like to meet her, you should make sure that she knows that you are no longer single, and I will go with you (or if you are unable to go, at a push, he can arrange a night out with a group of friends and invite that girl along)"

 

As for the showing her around the city touristy-wise, it depends on where you want to draw the boundary in your relationship. I would potentially be okay with my SO showing a guy around a landmark or something in the daytime, but it is also totally reasonable if you just do not want him to meet up with her at all. If he is being honest, she should not mean that much to him.

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Oh an example from my recent experience that is somewhat relevant for you... when I first came to Singapore for work, I met up with friend (a girl) living here that I knew from primary school, who I also met once or twice when she was studying in the UK. So we have known each other for a very long time, but we are not really close friends. (We also have no past history together at all.)

 

Before we met up, in the catch-up chat when I told her that I was going to Singapore, she told me that she was married (and I told her that I had a girlfriend), so we had no illusions about what the meeting was about... we went to a tourist location together, had dinner and then said our goodbyes. We kept our boundaries, respecting her husband and my girlfriend (now ex, sadly), no drinking to excess and parting ways around 9pm. An example of a reasonable catch up between friends of the opposite sex who were not single.

 

It would have been a little weird if her husband had come along for the whole afternoon and evening, since I do not know him at all... but if he had joined us for dinner, that would have been totally fine too. If he did not want his wife to spend so much time alone with another guy, she should respect that too.

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My boyfriend and I are 27 years old.

So we’re in a healthy & happy relationship.

Thank you! I agree with you, he should invited friends or me to tag along. I don’t know if he’s being oblivious about the hang out.

He chose to meet her at a bar around 5pm in the afternoon. Just him and her. (I’ll be at work still so I can’t tag along).

 

So he told the girl that he’s taken, and he’s disclosing all of this the girlfriend (me).

 

He ask me if it’s alright with me? Or do you want me to cancel?

 

It’s such a weird feeling, I don’t think it’s jealousy? Is it? Or is it trust issues? Or resentment? I don’t what this feeling is...weird..

 

But I told him I trust him, we’re adults, just don’t do anything stupid or sexual. And then he said back

“Hey you can pick me up after the hang out, and we can go back to your place and talk it out”

 

What are some questions to ask him about after his meet up to ask him?

 

Thank you so much for your advice!

:)

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Thank you for sharing your Singapore story, I appreciate it.

It helps me understand that 2 people of the opposite sex can hang out without any sexual tension, in respect for their partners. It’s just more rare to find people like that to trust.

 

I know my story is a modern day disaster for trust issues, and I know it’s hard to understand and respect all the red flags being pulled up.

But how can I trust him or even her to not cause anything to our relationship?

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I have really good guy friends but I'd never go drinking and get wasted with one of I had a bf. It's kinda inappropriate. And he's had a fling with her before...I wouldn't be comfortable with this, and I'm very chill. I normally would mind if a bf had dinner or lunch with a female friend.

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My boyfriend and I are 27 years old.

So we’re in a healthy & happy relationship.

Thank you! I agree with you, he should invited friends or me to tag along. I don’t know if he’s being oblivious about the hang out.

He chose to meet her at a bar around 5pm in the afternoon. Just him and her. (I’ll be at work still so I can’t tag along).

 

So he told the girl that he’s taken, and he’s disclosing all of this the girlfriend (me).

 

He ask me if it’s alright with me? Or do you want me to cancel?

 

But I told him I trust him, we’re adults, just don’t do anything stupid or sexual. And then he said back

 

So you can’t get there by 5?

So what time does suit you to go with your bf to meet this “ platonic “ friend ( ex hook up really) to have lots of drinks with?

 

He told you that he told her about you. Maybe he did or maybe he didn’t.

 

He has asked you if he should cancel??? That’s not your call. It’s up to him to decide on whether he wants to adhere to normal boundaries within a relationship! Which is not having one on one meets with the opposite sex?

 

He is an , turning this on you!

Your reply should be that your idea of an honest relationship would be not meeting people of the opposite sex on a one on one basis and that a group setting is ok.

 

If she means that much to him , surely he would be happy to introduce you?

 

Why did you tell him you trust him, but then say this “we’re adults, just don’t do anything stupid or sexual”?????

 

That suggests you don’t trust him!!! If you trust him , you shouldn’t need to provide a do or don’t list!?

 

Don’t be afraid to lay boundaries within a relationship?

And don’t be afraid to say no to a guy manipulating them!

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It sounds like he wants to do this one way or the other. Do not offer to be his chauffeur. That not only looks more like checking up/policing, it is nonsense to reduce yourself to be a ride service when he's on a date with someone else.

 

His mommy can pick him up or if he can afford enough drinks to get drunk he can afford a taxi. Don't be his mommy. You should be out with your own friends having fun, not waiting all hours by the phone.

 

This is a good example at 6 mos in to stand back and make some observations about your relationship. He seems to be doing a lot of preemptive reassuring in the same breath as setting the table for 'things just happened'.

 

Why did he tell you all the is TMI about their past? Stop wringing your hands about this as if he is this grand prize you can't lose. Step back, be busy and let him fall on his own decisions. Shift your thinking from, "oh no what if he..." to "do I want to continue being worried about a guy like this?"

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I'm not keen on situations like this because it puts the other partner in a difficult situation. Life has taught me that some things are just not worth the effort or the headache. He'll do the math one day (perhaps looking back) and realize the meeting wasn't worth it either.

 

You, on the other hand, are dealing with a partner who has put you in this position. I too would rethink whether this is something that adds to your life or subtracts /detracts from your peace of mind. He may be a good man but being 'good/kind/loving' isn't enough. You need to be able to trust your partner's judgment and consideration. If you're not compatible or on the same page/wavelength, this isn't the right person for you. I don't agree with having to outline it in detail for him either. Like I said, he will do the math on his own one day and figure it out himself.

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I don’t want to sound controlling and have him feel resentment if I deny him to meet with her.

But,

I don’t want them to reconnect and then after many drinks, she might chase after him or something sparks between them....

I don’t know what to do or say?

Should I have him cancel with her?

How should I say it so I don’t sound controlling or having trust issues even though I don’t have?

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I don’t want to sound controlling and have him feel resentment if I deny him to meet with her.

But,

I don’t want them to reconnect and then after many drinks, she might chase after him or something sparks between them....

To me I want to sound fair for him...

I don’t know what to do or say?

Should I have him cancel with her?

How should I say it so I don’t sound controlling or having trust issues even though I don’t have?

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I'm not keen on situations like this because it puts the other partner in a difficult situation. Life has taught me that some things are just not worth the effort or the headache. He'll do the math one day (perhaps looking back) and realize the meeting wasn't worth it either.

 

You, on the other hand, are dealing with a partner who has put you in this position. I too would rethink whether this is something that adds to your life or subtracts /detracts from your peace of mind. He may be a good man but being 'good/kind/loving' isn't enough. You need to be able to trust your partner's judgment and consideration. If you're not compatible or on the same page/wavelength, this isn't the right person for you. I don't agree with having to outline it in detail for him either. Like I said, he will do the math on his own one day and figure it out himself.

 

Spot. On.

 

I can see myself, at 27, pulling a bozo move like this. Not out of malice, not with nefarious intent, but still: it's a bozo move that puts you in an awkward position, because it's driven by his own awkwardness of wanting life every which way. As this has been framed, there is essentially no reaction that leads to a greater connection, because you either have an awkward talk or tell him you'd prefer he not go—casting you in the "jealous gf" role you have no interest in playing, or casting you as the "trainer" of a boy still on the path to manhood. Or, well, you kind of stomach this moment in hopes it's just a little hiccup—and, in that, a teeny crack forms in the foundation. Time passes, feelings deepen, cracks expand.

 

The "math" here is simple, but he just hasn't learned it. If this meet up is of genuine importance, you bring your girlfriend, rather than dangling it before your girlfriend in a sideways manner. And before that? You ask yourself, with clear eyes, if this meet up is of genuine importance, if it genuinely adds to your life and who you want to be—meaning you ask if you would like your own parter to be reconnecting with past flings during the developing stages of your romance, and if the answer is no you don't bother meeting up.

 

No need to react right away, but I would just observe here, being honest about what you feel in your spirit. Is this guy really on your level? Is this the stuff you want to be "working on" inside a relationship? In picking people we get to pick the "issues" that excite us to work on, that bring value, as opposed to those that throw us off our true axis and growth patterns.

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Ever hear the saying, "Hiding in plain sight?" Too much work to keep secrets since they often come to light and then you're in the doghouse. Players give their version of the story and hope you'll buy it.

 

So, if he's the average guy who cares and couldn't bear the thought of losing the gem he's found in you, would he really risk your relationship for someone who'd been briefly in his life as a fling?

 

If a guy I'd had a romance with on a trip to his city contacted me, I'd never risk what I had with a present bf for another brief encounter, even if platonic.

 

What would I say to him? "I have relationship boundaries and that's something we should've discussed before deciding to become exclusive, since it's important we're on the same page. I don't believe staying in touch with exes or flings, and meeting up with them."

 

Don't be a doormat and the cool chick who goes along with whatever to cling to a guy who's not right for you. If this makes you feel weird, it's for a good reason. Your gut will never steer you wrong. Even if he breaks the "date," keep a watchful eye that he doesn't act resentful toward you and that he sticks to the relationship boundaries you're comfortable with. If he's not a match, then so be it, and you can move on before investing any more time into a man you've realized is not for you. Take care.

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Out of curiousity, how old are you and your boyfriend?

 

The fact that this girl slept with your boyfriend whilst travelling tells me that she is rather promiscuous. The fact that she wants him to show her around your city tells me that (if he has not told her about you) she is probably considering hooking up again and maybe saving some money on hotels if she can just stay with him for a few days. I'm afraid this is closer to the Tinder scenario I mentioned above.

 

 

OH Mirror! Does it not make him promiscuous, too?

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Ever hear the saying, "Hiding in plain sight?" Too much work to keep secrets since they often come to light and then you're in the doghouse. Players give their version of the story and hope you'll buy it.

 

So, if he's the average guy who cares and couldn't bear the thought of losing the gem he's found in you, would he really risk your relationship for someone who'd been briefly in his life as a fling?

 

If a guy I'd had a romance with on a trip to his city contacted me, I'd never risk what I had with a present bf for another brief encounter, even if platonic.

 

What would I say to him? "I have relationship boundaries and that's something we should've discussed before deciding to become exclusive, since it's important we're on the same page. I don't believe staying in touch with exes or flings, and meeting up with them."

 

Don't be a doormat and the cool chick who goes along with whatever to cling to a guy who's not right for her. If this makes you feel weird, it's for a good reason. Your gut will never steer you wrong. Even if he breaks the "date," keep a watchful eye that he doesn't act resentful toward you and that he sticks to the relationship boundaries you're comfortable with. If he's not a match, then so be it, and you can move on before investing any more time into a man you've realized is not for you. Take care.

 

 

My ex was a master at this.

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Ever hear the saying, "Hiding in plain sight?" Too much work to keep secrets since they often come to light and then you're in the doghouse. Players give their version of the story and hope you'll buy it.

 

So, if he's the average guy who cares and couldn't bear the thought of losing the gem he's found in you, would he really risk your relationship for someone who'd been briefly in his life as a fling?

 

If a guy I'd had a romance with on a trip to his city contacted me, I'd never risk what I had with a present bf for another brief encounter, even if platonic.

 

What would I say to him? "I have relationship boundaries and that's something we should've discussed before deciding to become exclusive, since it's important we're on the same page. I don't believe staying in touch with exes or flings, and meeting up with them."

 

Don't be a doormat and the cool chick who goes along with whatever to cling to a guy who's not right for you. If this makes you feel weird, it's for a good reason. Your gut will never steer you wrong. Even if he breaks the "date," keep a watchful eye that he doesn't act resentful toward you and that he sticks to the relationship boundaries you're comfortable with. If he's not a match, then so be it, and you can move on before investing any more time into a man you've realized is not for you. Take care.

 

I agree. This isn't just being a nice person and showing someone the sights of the city - it's going out drinking with someone he slept with/playing with fire -and he needs his "mom" to pick him up? Please.

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It sounds like he wants to do this one way or the other. Do not offer to be his chauffeur. That not only looks more like checking up/policing, it is nonsense to reduce yourself to be a ride service when he's on a date with someone else.

 

His mommy can pick him up or if he can afford enough drinks to get drunk he can afford a taxi. Don't be his mommy. You should be out with your own friends having fun, not waiting all hours by the phone.

 

This is a good example at 6 mos in to stand back and make some observations about your relationship. He seems to be doing a lot of preemptive reassuring in the same breath as setting the table for 'things just happened'.

 

Why did he tell you all the is TMI about their past? Stop wringing your hands about this as if he is this grand prize you can't lose. Step back, be busy and let him fall on his own decisions. Shift your thinking from, "oh no what if he..." to "do I want to continue being worried about a guy like this?"

 

Agree.......

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Do you believe that they merely slept together and that there is no connection? He sounds like a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. Do not offer to pick him up.

meeting up with a girl that he slept with 2 years ago, whom he said both have no sexual tension or connections with each other, that has never been to our city. She wants him to show him around.

 

He offers to meet her at his favorite Bar. He told me he going to drink with her, maybe get drunk.

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