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Thread: Can I trust my boyfriend?

  1. #21
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    Aww thank you andrina for the advice on what to say, it’s so frustrating that he put it on me thank you

  2. #22
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    Since they are not even friends-only hooked up a couple of years ago-I would not be cool with any of this.

  3. #23
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    Thank you blueCastle for your wise words,
    I felt crazy thinking why he put me in this frustrating situation, he wants me to hold the pressure and not have him deal with it. Your post means a lot! I appreciate it :)

  4. #24
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    I think he has put you in a bad position. He should have invited you along.

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  6. #25
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    Do you believe that they merely slept together and that there is no connection? He sounds like a guy who wants his cake and eat it too. Do not offer to pick him up.
    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    meeting up with a girl that he slept with 2 years ago, whom he said both have no sexual tension or connections with each other, that has never been to our city. She wants him to show him around.

    He offers to meet her at his favorite Bar. He told me he going to drink with her, maybe get drunk.

  7. #26
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    One more thing, I wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Spot. On.

    I can see myself, at 27, pulling a bozo move like this. Not out of malice, not with nefarious intent, but still: it's a bozo move that puts you in an awkward position, because it's driven by his own awkwardness of wanting life every which way. As this has been framed, there is essentially no reaction that leads to a greater connection, because you either have an awkward talk or tell him you'd prefer he not go—casting you in the "jealous gf" role you have no interest in playing, or casting you as the "trainer" of a boy still on the path to manhood. Or, well, you kind of stomach this moment in hopes it's just a little hiccup—and, in that, a teeny crack forms in the foundation. Time passes, feelings deepen, cracks expand.

    The "math" here is simple, but he just hasn't learned it. If this meet up is of genuine importance, you bring your girlfriend, rather than dangling it before your girlfriend in a sideways manner. And before that? You ask yourself, with clear eyes, if this meet up is of genuine importance, if it genuinely adds to your life and who you want to be—meaning you ask if you would like your own parter to be reconnecting with past flings during the developing stages of your romance, and if the answer is no you don't bother meeting up.

    No need to react right away, but I would just observe here, being honest about what you feel in your spirit. Is this guy really on your level? Is this the stuff you want to be "working on" inside a relationship? In picking people we get to pick the "issues" that excite us to work on, that bring value, as opposed to those that throw us off our true axis and growth patterns.

    Should I say this to him? And can you edit it if it doesn’t sound fair or good enough?


    Thanks for being transparent with me,
    the fact that you’re meeting w/a girl that you had sex with no further connections after.
    Then she wants to reconnect with you after 2 years and you decide to take her to a bar and you might get drunk around her. Then have your mom pick you up rather than me.

    That’s a lot of red flags for a platonic meet up, it makes her sound promiscuous even though you say there’s no intent.
    I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you wouldn’t meet again after having sex.
    I don’t mean to sound in any way jealous or controlling. There should be boundaries to set when reconnecting w/someone you slept with just out of respect since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    Thank you blueCastle for your wise words,
    I felt crazy thinking why he put me in this frustrating situation, he wants me to hold the pressure and not have him deal with it. Your post means a lot! I appreciate it :)
    Inhale, exhale. Nothing is "crazy" about the way you feel. What you're feeling is, at best, a very real maturity gap, and, at worst, a window into lousy character. You are here, he is there, and that has left you isolated, because you thought you two were closer, level-wise, and perhaps that he had more integrity, human-wise.

    Where things do start getting crazy? When you pretend that gap in levels is not real, or try to get cozy on a level that is impossible for you to be cozy on.

    I'm in a relationship. For what it's worth: I was recently contacted by someone I had a little thing with who is coming to my city, as I believe she regularly does for work—a totally light thing almost 2 years ago. Gun to head, I don't think her intentions are anything save for wanting say hi to me, that nice dude from way back. Were I single, I'd grab a coffee or glass of wine with her, with no interest in re-sparking that flame. She's a nice person.

    But I'm not single, and she's hardly part of the fabric of my life—the stuff I want to share and entangle with my girlfriend, the stuff I want her to feel at ease in, as she shows me, daily, how important it is to her that I feel comfy in the fabric of her life. So I just ignored it. Time spent dwelling on this for me? Half a millisecond. Likewise, I wouldn't be surprised if my girlfriend has had a person or two reach out to her—she's a compelling person, with a past. But I trust her reaction would be much the same. Time spent talking about all this together? Minimal, some early boundary discussions before an ounce of concrete was even poured in the foundation.

    I was not always this guy—even when I was, all in all, a "good guy," though I haven't always even made that pay grade. I just hadn't learned the math. Don't cast yourself in the role of math teacher. Andrina offered razor sharp advice about how to approach this. Then observe if you guys can be on the level—with this as a wobble—but be diligent in that observation. That doesn't mean putting him in the spy glasses, but just being diligent about listening to your spirit and asking it if it feels safe, secure, and is getting the nourishment it needs out of this union.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    One more thing, I wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed?
    So I asked him holly, and he said he would be fine with me to do the same as him, which is so weird to hear, but I would never do that with someone from my past

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    Should I say this to him? And can you edit it if it doesn’t sound fair or good enough?


    Thanks for being transparent with me,
    the fact that you’re meeting w/a girl that you had sex with no further connections after.
    Then she wants to reconnect with you after 2 years and you decide to take her to a bar and you might get drunk around her. Then have your mom pick you up rather than me.

    That’s a lot of red flags for a platonic meet up, it makes her sound promiscuous even though you say there’s no intent.
    I just feel uncomfortable for you to meet up with a fling that you thought you wouldn’t meet again after having sex.
    I don’t mean to sound in any way jealous or controlling. There should be boundaries to set when reconnecting w/someone you slept with just out of respect since we’re in a meaningful relationship.”
    Sorry, I was riffing when you were writing this riff.

    I'd keep it much simpler. No need to say much about her, and especially no need to bring words like "promiscuous" into things. Don't think anything good has ever come on planet earth by a person using that word. So, something like:

    "I appreciate you being transparent about this, but it's not settling with me and what I need from a committed relationship. Perhaps we haven't had a talk about the boundaries we each need, and of course those can be different, but I'm not someone who can cultivate a romantic commitment with someone who wants to also cultivate friendships with former flings outside of the relationship. Those two things are at odds, for me."

    Or some such. And then he will respond...however he responds. Listen to that. Does he get defensive? Does he try to make it sound like no big deal, even though you just told him that it is a big deal, for you? Or does he take you seriously, and take you plus him seriously? You will learn a lot from just listening about whether he can respect your truth, and whether your individual truths can coexist.

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