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Thread: Did she think I wasn't interested? What happened?

  1. #1
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    Did she think I wasn't interested? What happened?

    Hey everyone,

    Going to try to keep this a little vague just incase the person sees this. Ran into a very confusing situation recently, and I'm not sure on how I was supposed to proceed. Maybe some of you can enlighten me on what happened!

    There was a girl I ran into frequently as part of a membership. She kept purposely coming into whichever area I was in, made some kind of noise to get me to notice her, crossed my path all the time, and eventually we started talking and flirting and so on. There was a lot of chemistry and mirroring, her interest was always higher. She showed every sign of interest there is (literally), even in the wanting a relationship and courting sense. She was very much into me. We kept flirting, teasing, having a great time, asking about each other, and she eventually got dressed up super nice (like I did), I'm assuming with the intent of having me ask her out. From articles I've read, she showed every sign of wanting to be asked out. But I kept it neutral and friendly, like I kind of have been all along. This happened over the course of a month or two. I also had a LOT going on, which I brought up... even continuing into the future.

    The reason I didn't make a move and hesitated is because she mentioned a boyfriend one time in our first conversation (but never again, not even a "we"), of which she laughed at everything I said, kept asking questions, flirting, etc. That really confused me. Among other things she was doing. And she does not do this to everyone, it's not part of her job. She didn't talk all that much in general and was especially nervous in our interactions. But very excited and unable to stop staring in my eyes. I'm not the most confident person in the world and struggled with social anxiety for many years, so there was a hesitation on both ends. But we still enjoyed each other's company very much, and she was ecstatic on that day she got all dressed up. Like she felt nothing but euphoria and couldn't contain her excitement. There was of course a lot of build up and anticipation leading up to that. I didn't make a move.

    When I came back the next week, I kept to myself, and she came right up to me, complimented me, mentioned all things she was noticing and remembered about things I said to anyone (she was always in earshot by purposely placing herself in my areas) and started probing into deep personal questions, and I to her. Like she missed me and had to be around me, ask those deeper questions she was curious about. In times prior, she would stare and get super excited when I showed up, like she was waiting for me. I didn't ask for her number through all of this, because again, she had a boyfriend. That talk was great, I felt we got along even better. I started getting attached with that one, when before it was not a big deal, and I felt not that into her. Then the next time I went back she quit for a different job! Which she apparently gave a notice for weeks back! After saying she loved that one, and especially liked having me there. After this, I immediately gave my number to another person who worked there and has her social media (I had to delete mine for personal reasons), but she never looked at that message from what they told me. (Maybe wasn't online, was focused on the new job, they said she probably hasn't even been online to check it). This was a little over a week ago. We used to talk every other day when I went there.

    I was always worried that if she was doing this with me, she would do it TO me. I have never seen an exception. On the other hand, what if she broke up with her boyfriend for me? If you find someone you like better, is that ok? You shouldn't have to settle for someone you don't like as much. But it seemed like she was setting up a replacement while with him. I'm also concerned that I might have hurt her by not moving things forward when she was on cloud 9, because when I found out she quit, I broke down (later that night of course). And I'm a guy. She obviously took her time getting ready and looking nice and being full of joy, only for me to act friendly. I also don't know if she thought I was just leading her on and playing games? I didn't progress because the nagging "she has a boyfriend" would not go away. And I also mentioned that I won't have time for anything, feeling overwhelmed with everything that's been going on in life, and kept things friendly on that near last interaction. Did she take those as hints that I wasn't interested? Why was she seemingly so hyped about having me progress while she had a boyfriend? Isn't that cheating? What about the boyfriend and how he would feel?

    Now it feels like unfinished business, like I want to see her and talk to her and ask her out and tell her about the situation. It's really bothering me, and causing anxiety and what if's, because it didn't end on a bad note. I just never made a move for obvious reasons. But I don't have her contact information or vice versa, and apparently she didn't even see that message yet. After a week? I suspect this is how she was feeling when I was aloof and she was dying to see me. I really don't know what to do. I never knew what to do. I liked her and feel bad and missing her, thinking that's it, I won't see her ever again. I'm longing to see her and connect. How could I morally make a move when she had someone?

  2. #2
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Honestly? It sounds like she was a personal trainer at the gym that you went to... and that you read way too much into her friendliness.

    She would not have told you that she had a boyfriend if she wanted you to make a move on her. She would have left a means for you to contact her if she was actually into you.

    Occam's razer, the correct answer is usually the simplest.

    Some girls just like to flirt, they enjoy male attention and being chased... but it does not mean that actually want to be with you. I once spent almost a whole week together with a girl I met at a party, almost every day of that week, (we were students, so had free time) mostly just the two of us, chatting for hours on end, playing badminton together, paint-balling, eating out, karaoke, drinking, cinema, staying in with takeout and DVDs, (god that was an expensive week) etc... she even held my arm when we were walking and cuddled with me when we were watching a movie. I was so sure that she liked me. Our mutual friends thought we were dating. So imagine my surprise when I asked her out properly... and she said something along the lines of "I haven't really thought of you as a boyfriend".

    Turns out she just really enjoyed the attention I gave her. She did not accept my affections, but also did not reject them outright. I put up with the uncertainty for a few weeks before I gave up. After which I think she tried (perhaps subconsciously) to rekindle my interest by buying me gifts and asking me to sleep with her (literally sleep, nothing dodgy) on a (group) trip cos "she was scared of her hotel room".

    My point is, every girl is different, some might be very shy and an awkward smile could indicate romantic interest, some might do all the above and more, and still just be messing with you and having a little fun, with no intention to actually seek a romantic relationship with you.

    If she is gone just like that, I'm afraid it is the latter.

  3. #3
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    It actually feels like it was the other way around. I wasn't all that into her and kept things friendly and neutral. I also feel bad because she might have thought "I" was playing games and leading her on - not the other way around. As I said, she didn't do this with everyone, she wasn't trying to keep a client so to speak. It's not something she had to do. And it wasn't a gym. She was the one showing interest in me. And she was checking me out constantly. I don't think I read too much into her friendliness, because it wasn't friendliness. She remembered all the little details of what I said, even conversations not relating to her, and as they say, the eyes don't lie. She couldn't look away, pupils fully dialated, and had a soft, nervous tone when we spoke. After we spoke, she was always super excited and full of energy. There was every possible sign of interest you can imagine. And on that last day, she was glowing. I wasn't the only guy there, and was definitely treated differently. I didn't think anything of it initially. It wasn't a crush that I had to pursue and make out to be bigger than it was. Even when she got all dressed up, I wasn't crazy about her or anything.

    I am fully aware of when someone is being friendly vs flirting vs genuine interest. This isn't my first rodeo, as they say. I have dated many women. And I also know when someone is an attention seeker. I was more flirting and being friendly, and she was more genuinely interested.

    But this isn't the first time this has happened. Girls would mention their boyfriend, I would back away, they would come back, start courting me with the intent of jumping ship, I would bail at the end because it didn't feel right, they would disappear in anger and act like I was selfish and evil.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Skydrum
    It actually feels like it was the other way around. I wasn't all that into her and kept things friendly and neutral. As I said, she didn't do this with everyone, she wasn't trying to keep a client so to speak. It's not something she had to do. And it wasn't a gym. She was the one showing interest in me. And she was checking me out constantly. I don't think I read too much into her friendliness, because it wasn't friendliness. She remembered all the little details of what I said, and as they say, the eyes don't lie. She couldn't look away, pupils fully dialated, and had a soft, nervous tone when we spoke. After we spoke, she was always super excited and full of energy. There was every possible sign of interest you can imagine.

    I am fully aware of when someone is being friendly vs flirting vs genuine interest. This isn't my first rodeo, as they say. I have dated many women. And I also know when someone is an attention seeker.

    But this isn't the first time this has happened. Girls would mention their boyfriend, I would back away, they would come back, start courting me with the intent of jumping ship, I would bail at the end because it didn't feel right, they would disappear in anger.
    Right... you are not that into her, you just wrote a 1,017 word opening essay about her on a relationship forum for fun?

    If I take your words at face value, it looks like you got everything all figured out... so what are you doing here? Do you just want your ego stroked by us telling you that girls with boyfriends can't resist trying to seduce you to make an upgrade with you?

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    No sir, I don't, and I was also going to say "not to sound defensive". I wasn't "totally" into her "at the time" that she was showing interest. Ergo, I wasn't seeing things that weren't there, and trying to convince myself that she liked me, and reading too deep into her friendliness, like you said. So that was just a rebuttal to that comment. It feels like you are trying to assume she was just being friendly and I had to point out that that was not the case. Because that seems to be common theme, in a way trying to discourage the person. This is also why I mentioned her interest in me, so as to avoid that kind of comment (didn't work). Not to stroke my ego. But the point you make about her mentioning the boyfriend and not giving the number makes sense. Then again, she did seem quite shy. I don't know man. That's why I'm confused.

    I absolutely don't have it all figured out. That is another assumption, that I just want my ego stroked. Not at all. The question I was wondering was, what should I do about this? Did I do the right thing by not progressing? Not getting her number? I was always confused by her mentioning the boyfriend as well. Why do girls mention a boyfriend and then continue to court you? Isn't that basically cheating? I'm kind of obsessing now, when before it was either way. I always felt that connection, and things could progress, but at the same time wasn't feeling it all that much and there was obviously a big roadblock in the way. So I was definitely aware of what was going on the entire time, in terms of our interactions. I never backed away either and enjoyed our communications. I would usually keep it surface and she wanted to go deeper. She seemed to want to progress things, or get me to progress things, but I couldn't. Now it feels like a missed opportunity, or more like a "what just happened here?"

    And there was a sort of friendship there as well. She didn't seem mean-spirited compared to some of the nastier ones I dated. Real pleasant to most people, got along fine enough. Not rude or anything like that. So why just disappear?
    Last edited by Skydrum; 10-18-2019 at 05:59 AM.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's fine to have crushes. Picking up women at gyms can seem awkward. She may have a bf, she may have wanted you to back off. Don't stare or flirt this much. Be friendly, but as as soon as someone says "boyfriend" it's time to step back.
    Originally Posted by Skydrum
    The reason I didn't make a move and hesitated is because she mentioned a boyfriend one time in our first conversation

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hah I know exactly what she was doing....she was attention wh^&*ing. Things were just a little boring with her BF so she got to feel "special" without over stepping her relationship boundaries. ya buddy you got bamboozled. She got off on the high that some guy was totally mackin on her. That is far as she would have allowed it. At her new job, she will find some other sucker to give her attention.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Please don't do it. She's not interested, she's in a relationship as far as you know and you've already made a move by passing your number on. If a woman wants to dress up there's a good chance she's doing it for herself. I have never (not once) dressed up for a man or woman/other person. It's because I want to look and feel good. It seems she was being friendly and not much else. Don't pursue this any further. Keep meeting new people and go out on a few dates.

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    **Not being defensive. lol

    I'm kind of confused on why you all think I was pursuing her? I wasn't staring and flirting. She was. She was coming into my space and trying to get my attention. Which is what some women do when they are interested in someone. They make their presence known to get you to approach them. She wasn't a flirt or attention wh--- as far as I could tell. I have encountered those before. She wasn't dressing super sexy and flaunting her goods, then acting aloof and not interested. That was me, lol. I was the one not showing interest. She was reserved, kind of quiet, kept things cordial and neutral with everyone. I have broken my social anxiety since those early days and got along with everyone there. But I still didn't remember every little detail or ask those deep personal questions like she did. With the other guys, she kept it pretty surface and job related, like I did to her.

    A lot of what you guys say what she was doing is actually the opposite. I was the out-going one who chatted everyone and made them feel good, was a flirt, didn't pursue, enjoyed the feeling of being wanted, wasn't that into her initially. Somewhere along the line we both connected and it became a mutual thing, which started with teasing and flirting. She wasn't excited because I was flirting (since I wasn't at that time), she was excited because we were by each other and hung out, etc. I have a sarcastic humor, which I'm not the funniest guy in the world, but she was laughing at everything I said. Totally giggly and wouldn't stop staring. Going out of her way to be extra helpful, when it's not even her job. This wasn't a gym and she's not a trainer. She had to go out of her way to do what she did. Again, this is her. I am not staring, laughing, flirting, checking out her body, etc. I did however pick up on the advances and interest signs and we connected from there. She mentioned her boyfriend and pursued me from there (or got me to pursue her, as women often do; they don't typically ask the guy out and fear rejection).

    And she did not dress up any time until I did towards the end, which is when she was super excited and seemingly ready for me to make a move. This is when she got super close to me and wouldn't stop staring and smiling. I can see these things clearly. You pick up on them after enough experience and dropping the ball too many times (lol). And women do dress up for men, not just to feel good about themselves. I have experienced this several times. Any time a girl was trying to impress a guy she would dress up for him. In similar instances to this, when the girl thought we were going to be together, she got dressed up real nice. Never failed. She never once dressed up while there, until it seemed like I was ready to make a move.

    Out of curiosity, why is it that people assume the girl is always the one being pursued and just wanting attention? Do they refuse to believe that anyone can be sought after by them? Turning down their advances? It's like what I said was completely twisted around into a different reality that wasn't even the case. I literally pointed out that she was the one pursuing me. But apparently all guys are delusional and led by their ego's, and are seeing things that aren't there. This is what you see on sites like Quora as well. "Oh no, she wasn't interested, that never happened, this is the actual reality, you should give up and be a failure like me". You never hear positive things. Do people just want you to fail, especially when it comes to the opposite sex? There was a question where a guy literally said a girl told him she broke up with her boyfriend for him, and all the commentors immediately chimed in and said "no she didn't, you're just imaging things". Like what the hell? People also like to project their reality onto others.

    Either way, I have decided on my own not to pursue. I don't ask about her, or if she checked the message, or to get ahold me if they talk to her. I didn't get on social media and start stalking. Though I have seen hers and she looked pretty happy with him. I chalk it up to bad timing; she has a boyfriend and I have so much stuff going on & will continue for at least a couple years. I made this clear the last time we spoke. There were red flags with her and her family leaving situations like this. She was at a place, then just up and moved to another city. She hasn't been at that job for long either. Her parents are not nearby and are not together. One is thousands of miles away. She has a boyfriend and continued to pursue. These seem to be common themes with these types. While seemingly decent and fun, they tend to be selfish, cowardly, don't communicate, just up and leave, don't commit to anything, and only pursue and act nice when they want something. She went out of her way because she wanted something. I chatted up and made everyone feel good, knowing I won't even see them after a while. We are also quite a distance apart in age and have told her that (lol). She didn't really commit to her career either. Changed her mind in an instant. "I love this place!" Boom, gone. "You are the best!" Boom, gone. I didn't know her well enough and we didn't spend that much time around each other. Not like if it was a co-worker.

    I think it all just happened so fast, and probably neither of us felt in total control. Getting caught up in the whirlwind. It felt good to be wanted and the chemistry was tight. I think it's best that she is no longer there, because otherwise we would probably try to keep things alive and drag it on further, which I have been through for and we were both devastated in the aftermath (because they had a boyfriend and were ready to jump, but that nagging feeling wouldn't go away). As the days go by, it starts to feel less like you're missing something that was once there. I still get along with everyone, focus on myself, try to keep things positive. I was just out of work and couldn't do much, so it was a bit of a lonely period, and it's been a while since I felt that kind of chemistry. But that doesn't necessarily mean you are compatible. Maybe something special could have happened. But if someone is going to do this while they have a boyfriend and just leave without any word, that's not a good person to get involved with. In all honestly, I was not that attracted to her compared to other girls I dated. This felt more like a genuine connection with a decent person.

    Despite us not agreeing with what happened, I still appreciate you guys taking your time out to reply and give your thoughts. I was really obsessing and broke down that first night. Like something close was just taken away and there was nothing I could do. It helped to get it out there. But I have been doing research on moving on, letting go of unhealthy attachments, not pursing unavailable people, etc. Really opened my eyes to a lot of things I've been doing, stemming from childhood and those issues.
    Last edited by Skydrum; 10-18-2019 at 06:52 PM.

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    I think the fact that she left without "saying goodbye" has put the whole encounter into a different light than it had been previously. Even though you acted aloof, it sounds like you had many repressed feelings that you may not have been aware of at the time. You use a lot of language that sounds like you really understand her, but the fact that now she has left you in the lurch kind of shows that you didn't. There could be any number of reasons why she has moved on, including not being as into you as you thought.

    Sometimes girls get along really well with a guy and still only want to be friends. I would put the chances pretty high here that this was that case. As someone who has dealt with social anxiety, it can feel really good to have someone give us attention in a way that we are not used to. It's easy to get a big head about it and not really see things as they actually are.

    On the other end of the spectrum, it's entirely possible that she was looking to hook up with you because things weren't great with her BF. Which, while it might have been nice, wouldn't have been a very healthy position for you to be in either. Whether she is still with her BF or not, you would be in the rebound category, and that tends to not last or turn out well. Heck, maybe she walked away because she was aware of the attraction and maybe even danger of the situation, and wanted to step away so that she can make things work in her relationship.

    I agree with a lot of what you said in your second to last paragraph. You were in a vulnerable time, and maybe she was as well. But in the long term, who knows about compatibility. It doesn't sound like it would have been a very stable situation. In a way, even though it feels like unfinished business, it might be for the best that she is gone. She can contact you if she wishes to... if she doesn't contact you, she didn't wish to.

    Try to take from this positive things: your social anxiety is falling away, you CAN have good interactions with people. Keep working on that and more good things will come your way.

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