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Thread: Should I go to the wedding? My ex will be there.

  1. #1
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    Should I go to the wedding? My ex will be there.

    Long story short, I posted on another thread about my ex and our breakup. I'd say I am 70-80% healed from it eversince she told me she was seeing someone else. I've been living a much happier life alone and by myself. Though I miss her and will always love her, I have accepted it may never work out and have moved on, and I sleep good at night thinking about it.

    Anyways, months before our break-up, we had already set-in-stone attending a close-female-friend's wedding. The last words my ex even said to me were "See you at the wedding". We both have known the bride for years and used to double date with her and her ex-boyfriend for many years. I am pretty close to her as the bride, and so is my ex. But unfortunately, I do not know of anyone else personally that is attending the wedding except for my ex and obviously the bride and groom.

    I do not want it to be awkward, though I am past the hurt and depression I was encountering following the break up, I just have a strange/uneasy feeling that I know for a fact I will have direct contact with my ex and I do not know if she will swoop low enough to bring her new man. I have been doing really good lately, it is 5-6 days strict NC, followed my about a week before I asked her about the wedding gift. So maybe 14-15 days LC/NC and 4 months post breakup after 4.5 years together ( The stats are horrible but we were very low-LC since the BU)

    I do not want this to cause me to go back to square-one in regards to the breakup/healing process, but I also want to be the bigger person and show up and maybe just witness the ceremony and then leave. The bride herself asked me multiple times to come, I am just having second thoughts.

    What would you do?

  2. #2
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    Considering you only posted this thread a a few days ago, [Register to see the link] , I don't think you're going to be able to handle seeing her and possibly her new boyfriend, which is understandable.

    Your emotions for her are still strong, if your recent thread is any indication, and this will almost surely be a difficult day for you. If you can manage it, I would attend the ceremony but pass on the reception. It would be nice to believe you can be the bigger person and be happy for the newlyweds and enjoy the party, but I don't see this going down quite so smoothly and painlessly for you. Wish the happy couple all the best, and do what you need to do to preserve your own well-being.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Considering you only posted this thread a a few days ago, [Register to see the link] , I don't think you're going to be able to handle seeing her and possibly her new boyfriend, which is understandable.

    Your emotions for her are still strong, if your recent thread is any indication, and this will almost surely be a difficult day for you. If you can manage it, I would attend the ceremony but pass on the reception. It would be nice to believe you can be the bigger person and be happy for the newlyweds and enjoy the party, but I don't see this going down quite so smoothly and painlessly for you. Wish the happy couple all the best, and do what you need to do to preserve your own well-being.
    I agree. Don't go to the reception. Don't put yourself in that position.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    You only decided it was "end of the road" 4 days ago. I think this will be a very difficult day for you to be honest.

    I do not know if she will swoop low enough to bring her new man
    You guys have been broken up for 4 months, she is well within her rights to date somebody new and take him to the wedding as her date (assuming they informed the bride about an additional guest). It maybe a bit inconsiderate of your feelings, but it is not really "stooping low".

    If you are indeed very close to the bride and groom, I would consider asking them if your ex has mentioned bringing her new boyfriend to the wedding. It is not shameful to be hurting over a breakup and definitely not shameful to admit that you would find it difficult if your ex was going to go to the wedding with a date. I think in that scenario, they would totally understand if you declined to go. No true friend would intentionally put their pal through that awkwardness and pain.

    When I went through a breakup at university and my ex got together with somebody else, my friends would initially (without being asked) let me know if my ex was going to be at whatever party or event I was planning to go to. I actually had to convince them that I was okay with it before they stopped, because they were protecting my feelings and themselves from awkwardness if we all showed up at the same event.

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  6. #5
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    I personally would not bother the bride and groom as to whether the new partner is coming - for one thing they might not know for sure -it might be a plus one or the person might not come at the last minute -it's unfairly burdening them given all the planning they're doing.
    I personally would not attend if there is a chance she will be with the new guy - it's too soon for you, too much and you don't have other friends there. Send a lovely gift and offer to take the bride and groom out for brunch or dinner when they are back from their honeymoon and settled.

  7. #6
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    If you haven't seen the bride or groom since you were invited, just bow out and send a gift. If you regularly hang out with the bride or groom, then go and bring a date.

  8. #7
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    I think we like to set these sorts of things up and place a lot more weight on them than they are worth as a way to test our healing. If we are still broken, it's easy to think "well if I just do well here it will prove I'm not broken". And if we have recently healed we may be eager to earn a "victory" by putting ourselves in harms way. It can almost be thrilling!

    Best case is that you will not have a problem, and maybe will get a little bit of a thrill. But I don't think you need to test healing if you know you are healed. I don't think you need to ask if it's a good idea if you are in the place where it would be a good idea.

    In the worst case it sets you way back.

    It's up to you, but if you have no real obligation to go, and wont feel like you missed out, it might prove your healing more to show that you don't have to go to prove anything.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    You only decided it was "end of the road" 4 days ago. I think this will be a very difficult day for you to be honest.



    You guys have been broken up for 4 months, she is well within her rights to date somebody new and take him to the wedding as her date (assuming they informed the bride about an additional guest). It maybe a bit inconsiderate of your feelings, but it is not really "stooping low".

    If you are indeed very close to the bride and groom, I would consider asking them if your ex has mentioned bringing her new boyfriend to the wedding. It is not shameful to be hurting over a breakup and definitely not shameful to admit that you would find it difficult if your ex was going to go to the wedding with a date. I think in that scenario, they would totally understand if you declined to go. No true friend would intentionally put their pal through that awkwardness and pain.
    i totally agree with this ^^^
    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    If you haven't seen the bride or groom since you were invited, just bow out and send a gift. If you regularly hang out with the bride or groom, then go and bring a date.


    ... and that too ^^^

  10. #9
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    If she brings someone it is really thoughtless and would be hard for you. I say go to the wedding but don't stay for reception. Congratulate the couple and then leave. Don't make it harder for yourself.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I agree. Don't go to the reception. Don't put yourself in that position.
    I second this wholeheartedly.

    I am so sure that it will hurt you quite a bit if she shows up with a new bf (which IMHO would be tactless). It will set you back to square one (almost guaranteed) because you haven't had enough time to fully heal, despite what you may think. Don't do this to yourself.

    I've been divorced since January of this year after a 29 year marriage. I proclaimed that I didn't care if my ex has a gf. I tried to convince myself that I didn't/don't care if he did. But, guess what? When I recently overheard my son saying that my ex plans to ask his current gf to join him on a vacation, it cut me deep. I confess that it hurt, and I was so upset and annoyed with myself for feeling like this. He has, of course, every right to see whomever he wishes but for some odd reason, it upset me. I imagine it's because I still need to fully heal. That said, you are still too vulnerable at this point in time. Save yourself some heartache, OK?
    Last edited by goddess; 10-18-2019 at 07:54 PM.

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