Jump to content

Should I go to the wedding? My ex will be there.


Recommended Posts

Long story short, I posted on another thread about my ex and our breakup. I'd say I am 70-80% healed from it eversince she told me she was seeing someone else. I've been living a much happier life alone and by myself. Though I miss her and will always love her, I have accepted it may never work out and have moved on, and I sleep good at night thinking about it.

 

Anyways, months before our break-up, we had already set-in-stone attending a close-female-friend's wedding. The last words my ex even said to me were "See you at the wedding". We both have known the bride for years and used to double date with her and her ex-boyfriend for many years. I am pretty close to her as the bride, and so is my ex. But unfortunately, I do not know of anyone else personally that is attending the wedding except for my ex and obviously the bride and groom.

 

I do not want it to be awkward, though I am past the hurt and depression I was encountering following the break up, I just have a strange/uneasy feeling that I know for a fact I will have direct contact with my ex and I do not know if she will swoop low enough to bring her new man. I have been doing really good lately, it is 5-6 days strict NC, followed my about a week before I asked her about the wedding gift. So maybe 14-15 days LC/NC and 4 months post breakup after 4.5 years together ( The stats are horrible but we were very low-LC since the BU)

 

I do not want this to cause me to go back to square-one in regards to the breakup/healing process, but I also want to be the bigger person and show up and maybe just witness the ceremony and then leave. The bride herself asked me multiple times to come, I am just having second thoughts.

 

What would you do?

Link to comment

Considering you only posted this thread a a few days ago, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562095, I don't think you're going to be able to handle seeing her and possibly her new boyfriend, which is understandable.

 

Your emotions for her are still strong, if your recent thread is any indication, and this will almost surely be a difficult day for you. If you can manage it, I would attend the ceremony but pass on the reception. It would be nice to believe you can be the bigger person and be happy for the newlyweds and enjoy the party, but I don't see this going down quite so smoothly and painlessly for you. Wish the happy couple all the best, and do what you need to do to preserve your own well-being.

Link to comment
Considering you only posted this thread a a few days ago, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562095, I don't think you're going to be able to handle seeing her and possibly her new boyfriend, which is understandable.

 

Your emotions for her are still strong, if your recent thread is any indication, and this will almost surely be a difficult day for you. If you can manage it, I would attend the ceremony but pass on the reception. It would be nice to believe you can be the bigger person and be happy for the newlyweds and enjoy the party, but I don't see this going down quite so smoothly and painlessly for you. Wish the happy couple all the best, and do what you need to do to preserve your own well-being.

 

I agree. Don't go to the reception. Don't put yourself in that position.

Link to comment

You only decided it was "end of the road" 4 days ago. I think this will be a very difficult day for you to be honest.

 

I do not know if she will swoop low enough to bring her new man

 

You guys have been broken up for 4 months, she is well within her rights to date somebody new and take him to the wedding as her date (assuming they informed the bride about an additional guest). It maybe a bit inconsiderate of your feelings, but it is not really "stooping low".

 

If you are indeed very close to the bride and groom, I would consider asking them if your ex has mentioned bringing her new boyfriend to the wedding. It is not shameful to be hurting over a breakup and definitely not shameful to admit that you would find it difficult if your ex was going to go to the wedding with a date. I think in that scenario, they would totally understand if you declined to go. No true friend would intentionally put their pal through that awkwardness and pain.

 

When I went through a breakup at university and my ex got together with somebody else, my friends would initially (without being asked) let me know if my ex was going to be at whatever party or event I was planning to go to. I actually had to convince them that I was okay with it before they stopped, because they were protecting my feelings and themselves from awkwardness if we all showed up at the same event.

Link to comment

I personally would not bother the bride and groom as to whether the new partner is coming - for one thing they might not know for sure -it might be a plus one or the person might not come at the last minute -it's unfairly burdening them given all the planning they're doing.

I personally would not attend if there is a chance she will be with the new guy - it's too soon for you, too much and you don't have other friends there. Send a lovely gift and offer to take the bride and groom out for brunch or dinner when they are back from their honeymoon and settled.

Link to comment

I think we like to set these sorts of things up and place a lot more weight on them than they are worth as a way to test our healing. If we are still broken, it's easy to think "well if I just do well here it will prove I'm not broken". And if we have recently healed we may be eager to earn a "victory" by putting ourselves in harms way. It can almost be thrilling!

 

Best case is that you will not have a problem, and maybe will get a little bit of a thrill. But I don't think you need to test healing if you know you are healed. I don't think you need to ask if it's a good idea if you are in the place where it would be a good idea.

 

In the worst case it sets you way back.

 

It's up to you, but if you have no real obligation to go, and wont feel like you missed out, it might prove your healing more to show that you don't have to go to prove anything.

Link to comment
You only decided it was "end of the road" 4 days ago. I think this will be a very difficult day for you to be honest.

 

 

 

You guys have been broken up for 4 months, she is well within her rights to date somebody new and take him to the wedding as her date (assuming they informed the bride about an additional guest). It maybe a bit inconsiderate of your feelings, but it is not really "stooping low".

 

If you are indeed very close to the bride and groom, I would consider asking them if your ex has mentioned bringing her new boyfriend to the wedding. It is not shameful to be hurting over a breakup and definitely not shameful to admit that you would find it difficult if your ex was going to go to the wedding with a date. I think in that scenario, they would totally understand if you declined to go. No true friend would intentionally put their pal through that awkwardness and pain.

 

 

i totally agree with this ^^^

If you haven't seen the bride or groom since you were invited, just bow out and send a gift. If you regularly hang out with the bride or groom, then go and bring a date.

 

 

 

... and that too ^^^

Link to comment
I agree. Don't go to the reception. Don't put yourself in that position.

 

I second this wholeheartedly.

 

I am so sure that it will hurt you quite a bit if she shows up with a new bf (which IMHO would be tactless). It will set you back to square one (almost guaranteed) because you haven't had enough time to fully heal, despite what you may think. Don't do this to yourself.

 

I've been divorced since January of this year after a 29 year marriage. I proclaimed that I didn't care if my ex has a gf. I tried to convince myself that I didn't/don't care if he did. But, guess what? When I recently overheard my son saying that my ex plans to ask his current gf to join him on a vacation, it cut me deep. I confess that it hurt, and I was so upset and annoyed with myself for feeling like this. He has, of course, every right to see whomever he wishes but for some odd reason, it upset me. I imagine it's because I still need to fully heal. That said, you are still too vulnerable at this point in time. Save yourself some heartache, OK?

Link to comment
I personally would not bother the bride and groom as to whether the new partner is coming - for one thing they might not know for sure -it might be a plus one or the person might not come at the last minute -it's unfairly burdening them given all the planning they're doing.

I personally would not attend if there is a chance she will be with the new guy - it's too soon for you, too much and you don't have other friends there. Send a lovely gift and offer to take the bride and groom out for brunch or dinner when they are back from their honeymoon and settled.

 

Yes, this ^^^^^

Link to comment

I'd go and mingle with others. I wouldn't mind being introduced to the new boyfriend etc. That's just me though. At some point you'll have to accept that the relationship is truly over. This person doesn't belong to you and we cannot own people.

 

No one can tell you what to do. Do what you're comfortable with only. Since you've said you don't know anyone else there it really depends on your level of comfort with strangers and meeting new people also. Life's too short to be in uncomfortable situations so don't do it if you're not comfy with it.

Link to comment

I always plan for the worst and imagine what I would do if it happens.

 

Now, I don't do things like expect the airplane to crash or to get food poisoning from the restaurant I plan to eat at. But I do dress practically while traveling and I check the letter grade of the restaurant.

 

I would presume the ex and her date will be there. Since the only people you know are the bride, the groom and your ex, are you OK with either sitting at a table with your ex and her date or sitting with strangers? Would sitting with your ex and her date feel painful? Awkward? How about sitting with people you don't know? Are you the type who makes new friends easily so being at a table with people you don't know won't be uncomfortable?

 

If either of those scenarios is unpalatable to you, then I agree with attending the ceremony and skipping the reception.

Link to comment

If you’re still in the mind frame than an ex bringing a date is ‘stooping low’ I think it’s safe to say you aren’t ready.

 

Also your NC time of a whopping 6 days isn’t exactly time enough to reach indifference.

 

Based on these things, I say, save yourself the turmoil and skip it or at the very least skip the reception.

Link to comment
I'd go and mingle with others. I wouldn't mind being introduced to the new boyfriend etc. That's just me though. At some point you'll have to accept that the relationship is truly over. This person doesn't belong to you and we cannot own people.

 

No one can tell you what to do. Do what you're comfortable with only. Since you've said you don't know anyone else there it really depends on your level of comfort with strangers and meeting new people also. Life's too short to be in uncomfortable situations so don't do it if you're not comfy with it.

 

"At some point you'll have to accept that the relationship is truly over." Yes, Rose, I'm sure he accepts that it's over but there are still residual feelings which will slowly dissipate once healing has taken place. Before then, I feel that it's simply too upsetting and awkward to see an ex with a new bf or gf.

 

I know my relationship is over (no doubt there). But, it still hurts knowing that he's with someone else after he kicked me to the curb. Weird, but true. I'm pretty sure i couldn't handle actually seeing my ex with someone; not yet. Actually, I got upset just (inadvertently) hearing my son talking about his father's gf. If I saw him with his new gf, I would probably break down; something that I would not like at all.

Link to comment
"At some point you'll have to accept that the relationship is truly over." Yes, Rose, I'm sure he accepts that it's over but there are still residual feelings which will slowly dissipate once healing has taken place. Before then, I feel that it's simply too upsetting and awkward to see an ex with a new bf or gf.

 

I know my relationship is over (no doubt there). But, it still hurts knowing that he's with someone else after he kicked me to the curb. Weird, but true. I'm pretty sure i couldn't handle actually seeing my ex with someone; not yet. Actually, I got upset just (inadvertently) hearing my son talking about his father's gf. If I saw him with his new gf, I would probably break down; something that I would not like at all.

 

Yes, I think you've made your opinion rather clear in your previous posts and sorry to hear about the issue with your ex. If you're not ready, there's no point in hurting yourself over it. I agree with you. There's no reason why others can't share their thoughts or different approaches on the thread regarding the OP's situation. I'm probably a bit different as I don't have any issues with my past relationships and have been glad to end all the relationships that have occured in my past. I've also made peace with ending my marriage if it came down to it (you get to a point in life where you make peace with all that's unpredictable). Life is difficult enough as it is and I have my challenges in other areas but definitely not with exes. It's good to let go and let new experiences and new people in. That's just my humble opinion on it, not meant to grate on anyone's nerves or upset anyone.

Link to comment

I truly appreciate all the honest responses.

 

I do indeed fell that I am healed significantly, but then again, I haven't physically seen her in nearly 2.5 weeks. After some thought about it, I am going to say to hell with it and not go. I feel like she's expecting me to be there. I have not seen the bride or groom since we broke up and they tend to only reach out to me when they have car issues.

On top of that, I do personally believe that even though I feel fine now, seeing my ex there (especially as one of the bridesmaid's) will put me back to square one, like what some of you menitioned. The ceremony is supposed to be at 10am tomorrow, but I will not be going. I even went out and spent 140$ on some casual clothing two weeks ago just to go and try to "impress" my ex. But now I don't want to go.

 

Taking a step back, I really do not see the benefits in attending. I did want to go at first and see if I could potentially score a couple numbers from some of the other bridesmaid's, but looking at my thought process now, that just seems petty and immature. The bride was closer to my ex than me, but we were still close per-say. My ex was the one that decided she no longer wanted me in her life, and I am not willing to give up my progress for something I see zero gain in, other than showing off my clothes and trying to "play it cool".

 

Thank you all for the responses. I will not be going

Link to comment

Good call. It also sounds from your post above that going would have been a very bad idea. I agree with you going to play it cool or score phone numbers isn't helpful to you in your healing. It doesn't sound like you are ok at all. Life is far, far too short to waste it on people who only want to speak to you when they have car trouble also.

 

You're off the hook! Make new plans and enjoy the day without these no-gooders.

Link to comment

“ I couldn’t heal because I kept pretending I wasn’t hurt”

 

I saw that quote earlier this week somewhere on social media and it really spoke to me.

 

Going to the wedding to hit on women and show off would have done the opposite of heal you, you would have done it to soothe your ego, not to be there for the bride and groom, not to be the bigger person, it would have solely been ego based so bravo to you for taking the high road.

 

You’re 4 months out of a 4 year relationship and mere days into NC, take it easy on yourself, you’re right you’re doing great, keep going!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...