Jump to content

Wedding dilema


Duffymoon62

Recommended Posts

57 year old Male due to marry the girl of my dreams next year.About 5 years ago before I met my wife to be I had a one night stand with someone I met at a party.Foolish i know ,i withdrew before ejaculation.Some months later I found out the woman was pregnant and wondered if I was responsible.The woman reminded me I didn't ejaculate and said although it was possible it was unlikely..I dismissed it and forgot all about it.Five years later I bump into the woman in the supermarket and the child is with her and to me it resembles me .Now I've convinced myself the child is mine and I dont know what to do .I've contacted the woman on Facebook and she assures me the child isn't mine.Should I tell my wife to be about this and risk ruining my life or should I just forget about my thoughts I'm having and move on? I suffer badly with anxiety.Any advice appreciated.

Link to comment

I would not bother telling her - the mother says it's not yours.

 

Even if it comes out someday that it is yours, if your wife loves you, she will probably overlook it. Love has a way of swaying people's opinions, it works wonders.

 

You don't need to tell your SO every little transgression in your life, she does not need your autobiography. If you feel you need to get it off your chest, talk here or to a counselor. Positive things are better in a relationship.

Link to comment

I would not tell her unless it turns out that the child is yours and you are involved with the child-then it would effect your wife. I know it must be hard not to share it but the downsides of sharing it are too great. It's always a potential consequence of a one night stand -a guy might not ever know if a child resulted. In your case you're left with the doubt of it and while I guess there are ways to get a paternity test (I have no idea) you don't say you've pursued it, you just think about it.

Link to comment

Relax. She says it's not yours. Since you've only been dating a few months, why start planning weddings if you're not ready for that? Trying to reconnect with an old flame is not a good idea unless you really don't want to move forward with the woman you're with. Do you feel things are being rushed and you wish to apply the brakes or precipitate a breakup?

she assures me the child isn't mine.Should I tell my wife to be about this and risk ruining my life or should I just forget about my thoughts I'm having and move on?
Link to comment

I think you are needlessly worrying. Trust the mother that the child isn't yours, and don't go creating problems where none exist. There is nothing to tell you fiancee.

 

You mention you suffer from anxiety. Are you anxious about getting married, and perhaps subconsciously looking for an escape hatch?

Link to comment
57 year old Male due to marry the girl of my dreams next year.About 5 years ago before I met my wife to be I had a one night stand with someone I met at a party

 

What are you afraid of and how would this ruin your life? You slept with this woman 5 years before you met your future wife. I guess it's about perspective. Finding out you are a father is a blessing to some.

Link to comment

This woman might have taste in men similar looking to you. I would let it rest - you are not the father. I mean, its hard to tell if the child is an infant who they truly look like because their features keep changing - my sister's kid looked nothing like her baby pictures at all and the child at 10 resembles her strongly. If the child was yours, i am sure she would have contacted you 5 years plus however long you have known your wife

Link to comment
What are you afraid of and how would this ruin your life? You slept with this woman 5 years before you met your future wife. I guess it's about perspective. Finding out you are a father is a blessing to some.
Gotta throw in with this.

 

"She said it's not yours" sounds a whole lot like, "Hey man, you're off the hook!" There are *a lot* of women out there who legit (and honestly, understandably) just don't want a dude they'd known for one whole night now indefinitely being intertwined with her life due to a pregnancy. And they make that cost-benefit analysis between whether to self-support and raise the kid vs. dealing with the politics of the father's rights, obviously entailing him being involved in her life to whatever extent for at least the next 18 years.

 

I can't tell you what to do. I'd be lying though if I said that if the stars aligned (as in one-night stand 5-years ago, lady having a 5-year old who looks like me), I'd just shrug it off. I'd also be cognizant of whether I was just desperate for the kid to be mine or if it was legit, "that weird ass 1/1000 nose looks just like my weird ass nose." It's up to you. If I were reasonably convinced the kid could be mine, I'd hope the woman I chose to take on as my wife had likewise had integrity enough to understand, even if not to the extent she wants to marry someone with a child or compromise financial goals due to the support he must provide.

 

I'd really hash this out, bud. Drop a few bones on some therapy and counseling to come to a rational decision. Again so long as it was reasonably so, being convinced my child was out there without ever having any responsibility for him or her isn't a life I could happily live. If that's the stage you're at, I'd consult your fiancee sooner than later. If the wedding needs to be postponed pending results, so be it. It'd involve drama, and there's really not much around that. You'd have to sue for paternity and deal with the obstacles along the way and the fallout whichever way it should go. But I'd take it much more seriously than others are.

Link to comment

I think it's better to think this through a little more slowly and go over the roots for where this anxiety is coming from. Do you already speak with a therapist or counsellor about these types of anxious thoughts? I think it's a good idea to figure out where those fears are coming from so that you know how to mitigate those thoughts or that thought cycle in tandem with the rationale your previous fling and you have regarding your encounter years ago.

 

You'll have to reconcile the fears (root of those fears) with the rationale behind what's actually going on (the reality/facts). It'll prevent you from working against yourself and your new life with your fiancee.

Link to comment

If you're really all that serious about this, get legal advice about what your rights and limitations are in your location. If you're not THAT seriously concerned, then speak with a therapist about learning how to stop psyching yourself into worry.

 

If you want to blow up your relationship over this, it's not against the law, but be fully aware that it's all about you playing your own saboteur.

Link to comment

She has your contact info. If she ever wants a paternity test from you, she knows where to find you. If you decide to go through with getting married and this comes up down the line, address it then. In the meantime do some soul-searching about your current relationship and if marriage is really what you want.

I've contacted the woman on Facebook and she assures me the child isn't mine.
Link to comment

My MIL told the biological father it wasn't his, and then 27 years later, says, "oh wait, the dad who raised you your entire life isn't your biological dad."

 

I would compare baby pics if you can of yours and the kid's. Reminds of this awesome movie I saw, "Angel of Mine"

 

But my hub's story, totally real. And my kid's have the same damn ears and back of their neck as their grandpa, and my hub's looks just like his dad. We have an amazing, amazing relationship with his bio dad and their family.

Link to comment

A few things could be going on with you. I think you really need to look inside and decide:

1 Do you believe the woman, that it's not your kid?

2 Do you really feel in your gut this is your kid?

3 Are you looking for an excuse to either test your current relationship?

4 Do you want to have a child?

 

I am not sure what benefit there is to telling your future bride about a one night stand 5 years ago. All that is going to do is plant some kind of doubt in her, that you think this is really your kid.

 

I believe the majority of people have had a one night stand at some point in life. (Ok exclude those that married very young and are sill married but you know what I mean.) There is no need to bring up every sexual encounter you have had in all your 57 years. Unless it resulted in a child or STI.

Link to comment

Many thanks for all the advice.I do not want the responsibility of a child at 57,but obviously if this is what has transpired I would want to know now and not 15 years down the line.Ive found out the woman has two other young children but is single at present I am a habitual worrier and this thing is taking over my life.Im convinced the child is mine but dont want it to be.Theres not much I can do to resolve this from what I can see.Im guessing someone else is supporting the child so to admit that it wasnt theres would be not an option.I dont want this to be on my mind for an eternity.

Link to comment

Do you have other kids? Besides having sex with this woman and happening to run into her years later, what evidence is there that this is your child? The name of your thread is "wedding dilemma". Is that what this all boils down to? How is your overall health? Besides anxiety, are there cognitive issues lately? If you don't want to get married face that. In the mean time, get to a doctor and share this fixed belief with your doctor. Perhaps a doctor can steer you in the right direction on this issue.

Im convinced the child is mine but dont want it to be. I dont want this to be on my mind for an eternity.
Link to comment

Ok. Get to a doctor, talk out these fixed beliefs, get a full checkup and neurological exam and a referral to a therapist. You need to be in reasonable health physically and psychologically to decide what to do and if to marry this woman or at this time.

The dilema was whether i should tell my wife to be about these thoughts? I have had issues with panic and anxiety all my life and have had counselling previously.
Link to comment

If you really think the child could be yours, absolutely do not wait until after you're married to just see where the chips may fall. There are a whole lot of jurisdictions who won't give two ****s about whether you knew at the time the child was yours. You can be held liable for back pay of child support. Wanna talk about strain on a marriage? "Surprise, you have a teenage child and $20k+ due" pretty much tops it.

 

Like it or not, fair or not, the onus is on you to establish someone you had sex with didn't produce your child. That's the responsibility you accept. Most states have a limit on how many years back someone can claim for, but you almost universally can be held responsible for at least two. For the record and assuming the kid could be or is yours, I don't assume it'd be out of spite, but a whole lot can happen in 13 years where, surprise, she now needs the money.

 

Again, assuming you're engaged to a woman with any ounce of integrity and you're reasonably sure, I'd share it with her. And you could sell it pretty easily. You want to make sure now so that it doesn't compromise her when you're actually married. Look into a lawyer on how best to go about it, but get paternity either confirmed or dismissed sooner than later.

Link to comment

Interesting,never thought of that.I live in the UK I dont think I can force a paternity case unless the mother says I'm the father.As far as I'm aware the alleged father is paying her maintainence and the child has his surname but as you say alot can happen in 20 years.Really dont know where to turn with this?

Link to comment
Hi,I had no doubts about the wedding prior to this .My fear was about me being dishonest.The dilema was whether i should tell my wife to be about these thoughts? I have had issues with panic and anxiety all my life and have had counselling previously.

 

You were NOT dishonest. The woman said the child was not yours. You had sex with her once. If she had sex with 3 other men around the same time -- OR the child could have been conceived months or even a year after you slept with her unless you are a expert at guessing a child's actual age down to the week. If you had a child that you were visiting every week and you hid it from your fiance, then that would be lying.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...