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Thread: Wedding dilema

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    What are you afraid of and how would this ruin your life? You slept with this woman 5 years before you met your future wife. I guess it's about perspective. Finding out you are a father is a blessing to some.
    Gotta throw in with this.

    "She said it's not yours" sounds a whole lot like, "Hey man, you're off the hook!" There are *a lot* of women out there who legit (and honestly, understandably) just don't want a dude they'd known for one whole night now indefinitely being intertwined with her life due to a pregnancy. And they make that cost-benefit analysis between whether to self-support and raise the kid vs. dealing with the politics of the father's rights, obviously entailing him being involved in her life to whatever extent for at least the next 18 years.

    I can't tell you what to do. I'd be lying though if I said that if the stars aligned (as in one-night stand 5-years ago, lady having a 5-year old who looks like me), I'd just shrug it off. I'd also be cognizant of whether I was just desperate for the kid to be mine or if it was legit, "that weird ass 1/1000 nose looks just like my weird ass nose." It's up to you. If I were reasonably convinced the kid could be mine, I'd hope the woman I chose to take on as my wife had likewise had integrity enough to understand, even if not to the extent she wants to marry someone with a child or compromise financial goals due to the support he must provide.

    I'd really hash this out, bud. Drop a few bones on some therapy and counseling to come to a rational decision. Again so long as it was reasonably so, being convinced my child was out there without ever having any responsibility for him or her isn't a life I could happily live. If that's the stage you're at, I'd consult your fiancee sooner than later. If the wedding needs to be postponed pending results, so be it. It'd involve drama, and there's really not much around that. You'd have to sue for paternity and deal with the obstacles along the way and the fallout whichever way it should go. But I'd take it much more seriously than others are.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think it's better to think this through a little more slowly and go over the roots for where this anxiety is coming from. Do you already speak with a therapist or counsellor about these types of anxious thoughts? I think it's a good idea to figure out where those fears are coming from so that you know how to mitigate those thoughts or that thought cycle in tandem with the rationale your previous fling and you have regarding your encounter years ago.

    You'll have to reconcile the fears (root of those fears) with the rationale behind what's actually going on (the reality/facts). It'll prevent you from working against yourself and your new life with your fiancee.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Let this go, she says it's not your child, so believe her. Dont tell your wife to be, no reason to do that.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you're really all that serious about this, get legal advice about what your rights and limitations are in your location. If you're not THAT seriously concerned, then speak with a therapist about learning how to stop psyching yourself into worry.

    If you want to blow up your relationship over this, it's not against the law, but be fully aware that it's all about you playing your own saboteur.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She has your contact info. If she ever wants a paternity test from you, she knows where to find you. If you decide to go through with getting married and this comes up down the line, address it then. In the meantime do some soul-searching about your current relationship and if marriage is really what you want.
    Originally Posted by Duffymoon62
    I've contacted the woman on Facebook and she assures me the child isn't mine.

  7. #16
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    My MIL told the biological father it wasn't his, and then 27 years later, says, "oh wait, the dad who raised you your entire life isn't your biological dad."

    I would compare baby pics if you can of yours and the kid's. Reminds of this awesome movie I saw, "Angel of Mine"

    But my hub's story, totally real. And my kid's have the same damn ears and back of their neck as their grandpa, and my hub's looks just like his dad. We have an amazing, amazing relationship with his bio dad and their family.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    A few things could be going on with you. I think you really need to look inside and decide:
    1 Do you believe the woman, that it's not your kid?
    2 Do you really feel in your gut this is your kid?
    3 Are you looking for an excuse to either test your current relationship?
    4 Do you want to have a child?

    I am not sure what benefit there is to telling your future bride about a one night stand 5 years ago. All that is going to do is plant some kind of doubt in her, that you think this is really your kid.

    I believe the majority of people have had a one night stand at some point in life. (Ok exclude those that married very young and are sill married but you know what I mean.) There is no need to bring up every sexual encounter you have had in all your 57 years. Unless it resulted in a child or STI.

  9. #18
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    Many thanks for all the advice.I do not want the responsibility of a child at 57,but obviously if this is what has transpired I would want to know now and not 15 years down the line.Ive found out the woman has two other young children but is single at present I am a habitual worrier and this thing is taking over my life.Im convinced the child is mine but dont want it to be.Theres not much I can do to resolve this from what I can see.Im guessing someone else is supporting the child so to admit that it wasnt theres would be not an option.I dont want this to be on my mind for an eternity.

  10. #19
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    OP, I asked before but perhaps you didn't see it:

    Could you be suffering from some fear or cold feet about getting married, and subconsciously trying to find a way out?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you have other kids? Besides having sex with this woman and happening to run into her years later, what evidence is there that this is your child? The name of your thread is "wedding dilemma". Is that what this all boils down to? How is your overall health? Besides anxiety, are there cognitive issues lately? If you don't want to get married face that. In the mean time, get to a doctor and share this fixed belief with your doctor. Perhaps a doctor can steer you in the right direction on this issue.
    Originally Posted by Duffymoon62
    Im convinced the child is mine but dont want it to be. I dont want this to be on my mind for an eternity.

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