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Thread: Letting go

  1. #1
    Member
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    May 2016
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    Letting go

    Hi lovely people!

    Need a little vent about my past relationship and how to let go.
    My relationship with my ex boyfriend ended three months ago, after being together for seven months. The relationship was long distant.
    The reason of the break up is a long story, but long story short: We did a lot of travel back and forth to see each other. The last holiday we had some fights about little things, clearly there was a bigger picture here, but talking about it with him seemed impossible. I did my things wrong, I really did. I questioned our future together because of some differences. He noticed my doubt. Anyways, during the fights I tried to talk about it (about the fight itself). But the fights didn't go anywhere, at first I could speak in a decent way about these things, but this man would only state the things I did wrong, he never did anything wrong. It was hard, actually impossible, to talk about this in a normal way. At some point I would get angry as well which resulted in leaving each other be for a while. He didn't seem able to talk about what happened before. The last day something was clearly up, since he was being really distant to me, I tried to talk with him about it but with no result. I tried it again and this time he speeched about me ruining everything, and he not having a part in this. I couldn't interfer. This was my reason for ending things, saying "like this I can't be with you anymore". He pushed me away and walked off, leaving me in his country (luckily I would fly back that same day). I know I did some things wrong, but definitely not THAT much and clearly he played a part in this as well.

    Some time later I decided to write a letter. It took me a while to decide to do this, but I didn't have closure, eveything bad happened in two days and before this things were so good. We were clearly in love. We send letters, presents, texting and calling all the time, where able to see each other each month and go on holidays. He decided to move to my country, which didn't happen because of the break up. This man is attractive. In the beginning I was being careful and distant, but he showed me in every way he was serious about this. For example only comping by plane for 10 hours to be with me. On his social media he would post things about me. I gained a lot of female stalkers since then which bothered me a bit. He told me he used to be a player but never felt something like this before, and the he wanted to be with me. He told his parents as well, which I met. He wanted to pay for everything during this holiday and meet his friends. They told me they had never seen him happy like this, and told me he was very in love with me. We have the same humor and almost all of the same interests. It really clicked. My doubts started with his political views and some opinions I didn't agree with. I told him I wasn't sure if I could be with him, with him having these opinions (I was a bit shocked and a bit drunk). A moment later I told him I could be with him, but that it had shocked me a bit. Since then his mood changed. Especially when I tried to talk about it the next morning, asking how he saw our future together since he stated he would want to live in his country for the rest of his life. I told him I wasn't sure I could do something like that. He told me everything was fine because he loved me and it would work out eventually. I told him that I just wanted to make this clear.
    Because of the doubt I showed, he became much more distant and different the next days, hence the fights. Also my trust issueing ass couldn't handle the cold him too much.

    So the letter was about less then a A4 long, I spend three weeks on writing it because I wanted it to be good, so I could let it rest if I didn't get a reply. The letter was neutral, but mostly implying it was a shame how things went and how it maybe would have helped if we could have been able to talk about it at those times.
    He replied a short time later. He agreed and asked to be friends. I told him I still have feelings, so being friends wouldn't be a good idea. He told me he had the same and agreed. He didn't want to call of contact, he said. I asked him to call. We agreed on a time but he didn't answer, saying some hours later he had to work. When we did call I asked about what happened. He did answer, but if he was starting something it was mostly jokes and fun. He told me he regretted how he had handled things. He deleted social media, except instagram. I asked him if we could try again. He told me he needed time to think and of course this was ok. I asked him to leave me be during this time, because it could only give me hope there was a change for a future.

    When he answered a few days later it wasn't about this subject, just some random jokes and calling me sweet names. I replied at first but later didn't, since I was still waiting for an answer and didn't like pretending like everything was ok. Some days later he texted me he missed me so much. I told him I missed him too. The reply was an emoticon, I asked him if he had made up his mind a bit yet. He asked me how we could make things fine and I explained. He agreed but didn't say much more. He asked when he could come my way, but later didn't respond to my question which of the days he wanted to come. From this moment on he was being more distant. Always online but answering 24 hours later with a short reply. I didn't feel comfortable anymore going on like this, I actually wanted to quit at this point, but decided to try to call first (also to clear up my head a bit). He agreed to call (answering late tho) when he called I missed it. I called him back but he had to work. The next two days he gave a reply only saying my name when I asked to call. No answer later. The last day he also agreed to call but when I called he didn't answer, also not answering my later question. I was done by this point, and some days later I told him I was done trying and don't want to have contact anymore. I blocked him and removed him from all social media.

    He would still check my instagram story the next days, but quit after this. Since a week he has been following my stories again, and I have to admit it gave me some hope, since he isn't following me anymore because I removed him. No message tho, only a sparkle of hope and some irritation. I am thinking about blocking him, but to be honest this step feels a bit too heavy since its the last place he could contact me on. For my healing it would be better, but I miss him a lot and making this step feels like a bit too much for me right now.
    I'm making this post because lately things have been hard. The break up, what followed after, and lost two loved ones in a month. I didn't feel myself anymore but I'm slowly getting out of this. I do think about him a lot, dream about him. I miss our conversations, his voice and look in his eyes, his cuddles. Letting go is hard for me. Things where so good and ended so quickly, from being so much in love and thinking about a real future together, to going to this. I had a lot of bad relationships and don't want this anymore. But I felt so in love after waiting for such a long time for someone, at least I thought, like him. It's a learning experience for sure, and I did learn so much, also about myself. But still I miss him and it doesn't feel like I can let go and close the door completely.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can't force letting go. It won't happen immediately although we can hope. It takes time. It sounds like neither of you were free to be yourselves in the relationship.

    Your views on subjects differed and the moment someone withdraws or pulls the "I don't think we can be together anymore because of x, y, z" is the second instability enters the relationship even if it's made in jest or half jokingly. Doubt enters the minds of couples who withdraw too quickly. That sort of happy vibe is disrupted. Both of you were getting to know each other and unfortunately you discovered that he's unable to exist as individuals with separate viewpoints. He may have wanted to work it out with you but you were a little quick to judge and withdraw due to his political views. I think he had multiple reasons to fade out, not just due to the differing viewpoints. He may have disagreed with your initial reaction or felt it was too strong for his liking. As you know we all have personal preferences and traits we look for in our partners.

    Your geographic differences are major. 10 hours apart is no laughing matter and if he expected you to move to his country, it's better you find out now rather than later. This is a tremendous blessing in disguise, no matter how much pain you're going through now. You'll look back and sing praises that you found this out early on especially if you're not entirely sold on his immovable stance that you should be the one to move. It may not be the move itself that's disconcerting. It's his take it or leave it attitude that may be off-putting entirely.

    Things may not have been as good as you think. It may have worked in terms of personality, good times and on the surface but beneath that it doesn't seem like either of you got far enough to discuss your differences or even had a chance to exist together peacefully with large differences between you. That's the real test in long term relationships. It's existing and accepting each others differences and the ability to cohabit alongside each other in harmony.

    If you don't feel that this person is capable of that, it's better to recognize those character traits and accept the relationship as it was. It's all experience in the long run and you'll be wiser for it. A part of you will care for him for awhile. You don't have to place strict rules on yourself for closing doors or cutting off contact but going on with the mindset that you should limit contact and give yourself space to absorb and reflect is a good idea.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You can't force letting go. It won't happen immediately although we can hope. It takes time. It sounds like neither of you were free to be yourselves in the relationship.

    Your views on subjects differed and the moment someone withdraws or pulls the "I don't think we can be together anymore because of x, y, z" is the second instability enters the relationship even if it's made in jest or half jokingly. Doubt enters the minds of couples who withdraw too quickly. That sort of happy vibe is disrupted. Both of you were getting to know each other and unfortunately you discovered that he's unable to exist as individuals with separate viewpoints. He may have wanted to work it out with you but you were a little quick to judge and withdraw due to his political views. I think he had multiple reasons to fade out, not just due to the differing viewpoints. He may have disagreed with your initial reaction or felt it was too strong for his liking. As you know we all have personal preferences and traits we look for in our partners.

    Your geographic differences are major. 10 hours apart is no laughing matter and if he expected you to move to his country, it's better you find out now rather than later. This is a tremendous blessing in disguise, no matter how much pain you're going through now. You'll look back and sing praises that you found this out early on especially if you're not entirely sold on his immovable stance that you should be the one to move. It may not be the move itself that's disconcerting. It's his take it or leave it attitude that may be off-putting entirely.

    Things may not have been as good as you think. It may have worked in terms of personality, good times and on the surface but beneath that it doesn't seem like either of you got far enough to discuss your differences or even had a chance to exist together peacefully with large differences between you. That's the real test in long term relationships. It's existing and accepting each others differences and the ability to cohabit alongside each other in harmony.

    If you don't feel that this person is capable of that, it's better to recognize those character traits and accept the relationship as it was. It's all experience in the long run and you'll be wiser for it. A part of you will care for him for awhile. You don't have to place strict rules on yourself for closing doors or cutting off contact but going on with the mindset that you should limit contact and give yourself space to absorb and reflect is a good idea.
    Thank you for your answer! I agree. Im aware of the things that I could have done in a different way. Wish I had, but unfortunately people make mistakes (only to learn from, with some luck). If it could have gone my way I hoped we could talk about it. There is a good chance that things wouldnt work out after this, but I'd have liked to at least talk about it. But I couldnt. Actually the scenario of me screwing this part of the relationship up replays a lot in my head.
    We have differences, clearly. But also a lot of similarities, we enjoyed so many things together and did share a lot of the same believes. And because it ended so abruptly its a bit hard to give it a place in my heart and head. I keep wondering if things would have gone in a different way if I wouldnt have shown any doubts. All doesn't matter now, but my head doesn't make it easy for me.
    I dont have to forget him immediately, but since hes watching my stories again the hope doesn't really do me that good. I think about him more and check if he watches it. That's why Im thinking about blocking, but finding it hard to do so.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Take your time. Sometimes we can go over a situation and replay it as many times as we want but it won't change that the person we once knew is gone or has opted out of the relationship. That shock alone is disorienting. Take your time adjusting and accepting that it's over. Counselling is not a bad idea. I tried it once and it helped at the time. I went for one session and it was enough. I got the drift. I think knowing that there is someone trained who can listen to you or in having that option is helpful in putting things in perspective.

    Hang out with friends, take care of your health in the meantime and eat and drink proper food/water. Don't mingle with the wrong crowd or start turning to any alcohol for example or change yourself hoping he'll come back. Let yourself absorb the shock and readjust.

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  6. #5
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    In my experience long distance relationships are very easy to get a skewed innacurate idea of the other person or how things can be between you.
    Maybe if you knew them before someone moved, or you have friends or family or some kind of way of checking the veracity of the other person, or they you.
    You just never know until you spend real time together in person.
    There are so many factors of building a good relationship, like trust, shared experiences, learning how to communicate together. Stuff you learn when you spend time together.
    Long distance relationships never worked for me.
    I have heard they work for other's and good on them. But my experience was more like yours, where the rare time together revealed disappointing incompatibilities...then there was a long time of not being sure it was over, and in general everything about it was not what I need.


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