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Three week holiday with an ex- leaving in 3 days and need some advice


Tech5

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I’ve got myself into quite a situation. Me and my ex booked a 3 week trip overseas back in September last year. She broke up with me in January.

 

Since then, we have been on and off in each others lives. Initially I was chasing her hard but sort of gave up in July when she told me she was seeing someone but had ended it. However, I was not able to fully cut her off because I was still in love and wanted her to go on this trip with me.

 

She told me last week that they have been on and off. Always arguing about how she would spend time with me and planning to come on the trip with me. She was really into him but he has already left the country for good.

 

Me and her are heading on the trip this Sunday and I don’t feel like happy like I thought I would. Im filled with apprehension. She has told me repeatedly in the last 2 months that me and her will not happen but I was never strong enough to fully cut it off. Over the course of the last 8 months, the language used has slowly progressed from possibly/maybe (slept together a few times) near the start of the year, to not possible now. After the trip, I will have nothing to look forward to and hopefully will be able to end it for good if the trip does not go well.

 

I feel like I would hate the trip if I went alone because I had looked forward to it for so long. But I would be sad to have her next to me in the same bed. I feel like I cant enjoy this trip anymore.

 

I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have advice on thoughts or mindset I should be having going into this? Maybe if you have been in a similar situation of going on a trip with an ex you have feelings for.

 

I understand sane advice is to kick her off the trip but that is something I am not able/willing to do. Only three days to go.

 

P.S. Some ground rules have been set a while back like we cannot hook up with other people on this trip

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Firstly she doesnt love you. I don't think she knows what she wants but I'd say it isn't you unfortunately.

 

 

Personally I think going on this trip will cause you a lot more heartache than its worth. If you have a good time you will get your hopes up and then she will dash them on the rocks with the offer of the friendzone.

 

 

You need to let go of this false hope you have for her.

 

Anyway I would say do not do it but it's your life.

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I understand sane advice is to kick her off the trip

 

Are you paying for this trip? That is the implication if you potentially had the option to go alone or kick her off it. Is the trip non-refundable?

 

To be honest, if you are paying for it, then it seems pretty clear to me that she is just using you for an expensive holiday, and will probably ditch you the moment that you are of no use to her.

 

Do you not have a friend you can invite instead? Going alone will probably be quite depressing, though I suppose it depends on what you have planned... but honestly you are just being a mug if you are paying for a 3 week holiday for somebody simply taking advantage of your feelings.

 

I recently broke up with a girl I was in a long distance relationship with, she offered to pay for various expenses like my flights (to go see her), rent, household bills (she is living in my house whilst I am still working overseas)... in an attempt to cling onto me. Because I am not a jack@ss I declined all payments and made it clear that I do not intend to reconcile with her. Not quite the same situation as yours, but you see how somebody who actually cared about you would not be messing with your feelings in exchange for money and nice things (like a 3 week holiday).

 

Of course if I have misread this completely and she is actually paying for half of the holiday expenses, then I would just decline to go. Why put yourself through all that pain? She can go by herself if she does not want to waste the money.

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Are you paying for this trip? That is the implication if you potentially had the option to go alone or kick her off it. Is the trip non-refundable?

 

To be honest, if you are paying for it, then it seems pretty clear to me that she is just using you for an expensive holiday, and will probably ditch you the moment that you are of no use to her.

 

Do you not have a friend you can invite instead? Going alone will probably be quite depressing, though I suppose it depends on what you have planned... but honestly you are just being a mug if you are paying for a 3 week holiday for somebody simply taking advantage of your feelings.

 

I recently broke up with a girl I was in a long distance relationship with, she offered to pay for various expenses like my flights (to go see her), rent, household bills (she is living in my house whilst I am still working overseas)... in an attempt to cling onto me. Because I am not a jack@ss I declined all payments and made it clear that I do not intend to reconcile with her. Not quite the same situation as yours, but you see how somebody who actually cared about you would not be messing with your feelings in exchange for money and nice things (like a 3 week holiday).

 

Of course if I have misread this completely and she is actually paying for half of the holiday expenses, then I would just decline to go. Why put yourself through all that pain? She can go by herself if she does not want to waste the money.

 

Originally when we were together, I had paid for everything because I made a lot more. After our breakup and decision to still go, she has paid for all of her own airfares etc and a third of the hotels. The three main reasons I haven't decided to do my own thing was that:

 

1. I was hoping to go on this trip with her for so long, now that I am 3 days away, I really don't want to cancel it

2. Introspectively, one of the biggest reasons I wasn't strong enough to cut things off was because of this trip floating in the future. I always had that tiny bit of hope. Even though that hope doesn't really exist anymore, I would rather regret going with her then not going and wondering what if. If you know what I mean.

3. Kind of hate travelling alone. I did try find some friends but timing didn't match up. Instead, me and friends organised another 4 week trip at the end of this year

 

In terms of cancelling it all together, this trip in itself was something I had wanted to do for at least a few years now. I've been Japan once and it was always a dream to go back again

 

All in all it has left me in a position where I will be going with her 100%. I wanted to work out what not to do, mindset, etc so that I can have the best trip possible at this stage

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Originally when we were together, I had paid for everything because I made a lot more. After our breakup and decision to still go, she has paid for all of her own airfares etc and a third of the hotels. The two main reasons I haven't decided to do my own thing was that:

 

1. I was hoping to go on this trip with her for so long, now that I am 3 days away, I really don't want to cancel it

2. Introspectively, one of the biggest reasons I wasn't strong enough to cut things off was because of this trip floating in the future. I always had that tiny bit of hope. Even though that hope doesn't really exist anymore, I would rather regret going with her then not going and wondering what if. If you know what I mean.

 

In terms of cancelling it all together, this trip in itself was something I had wanted to do for at least a few years now. I've been Japan once and it was always a dream to go back again

 

Okay in that case you did not have the right to kick her off the trip anyway, unless you reimbursed her again for what she has paid towards the trip.

 

To be honest I think it will be awkward, horrible and miserable. Enjoying holidays is not really about where you and what you do, but who you go with and why. You are going to go on a 3 week trip with the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. I think you will have an awful time, get jealous every time she flirts with a stranger, get frustrated that she will decline any intimacy or reconciliation and be heartbroken at the end of the trip when you realize that you will never have so much time together with her again.

 

That said, if you can go into this with the mentality of "I am over her, but hey, she is still hot, maybe she'll be up for some action under the covers", then I suppose you got nothing to lose and some potential for fun times... but I don't think that is where your head is.

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I agree you are going on this trip with the wrong person. What I would do is take the trip, make sure to sit away from her on the plane, go to a different hotel from her, and pay for it myself. Do my own sightseeing, have no interaction with her at all. When it's time to go home, try to get on a different flight if possible, or if that doesnt work, dont sit with her on the plane. I'd rather be alone on a holiday than be with someone I have no hope of a relationship with.

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The only mindset that will work is that she is your travel buddy and nothing more. Don't speak of romance, reconnecting, no intimacy, or flirting. Plan your major must-sees. 3 weeks is a long time to spend with someone, so decide to do some things solo, for a needed break from each other.

 

On again, off again relationships mean one or both don't care enough. Although I'd rather lose the money than to spend 3 weeks with an ex, since you insist, train your brain to think of this as ending a dead romance by being civil and enjoying activities with someone who has transformed into a traveling companion for a one shot deal. After that, you can go your separate ways, ending things on a good note.

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It seems you've been comfortable being in this type of limbo for the better part of almost a year. What is so hard about being civil/friendly for the next three weeks? It will be challenging but I think you're getting cold feet in the moment and this is ok (most people would because of your history). In a few days both of you will be having the time of your life and this may be a good opportunity to bring closure to an otherwise open and festering wound. It's been left open for awhile now.

 

I'd take a moment to quell the fight/flight impulse and stay the course, go on the trip, practice respect and kindness towards each other and accept your differences. I agree with not attempting to rekindle anything or appear pushy. I think it's the mature thing to do at this point as neither of you backed out up until now. You've also kept in touch with each other despite how painful your differences.

 

Take it easy and enjoy the trip.

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Can only echo Andrina, since you've been determined to go for so long and to this particular destination, then focus on the trip not the company. See whatever sights you want to see, engage with the locals while out and about and treat her as just a companion because that's all she is at this point. Same thing about talking, focus on the trip, that day's activities, what you are planning to do and see or what you think of what you've already seen. Stay off personal topics and again, chat up the locals to have some buffer between you and her. Besides, the locals can tell you more about what to see and do off the beaten path, so always a bonus. Building in some personal time is also a good idea.

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Mind over matter and manage your expectations. You committed to go on a trip that you wanted to go on. The other half of the equation has been defined and this won't be a romantic reconciliation trip. So enjoy it for what it is. Be the bigger person to put the emotions aside and just try to be friend and a good travelling companion.

 

What other choice do you have?? You are determined to go and she is determined to not reconcile.

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I like Rose's take, and reinvent's, given the particulars.

 

I might have a related story, for what it's worth. Ex broke up with me, I moved cities shortly after. There was a lot still between us, no drama or ill-will, and we did the limbo thing for a bit for a few months: in touch, sleeping together here and there. I very much wanted to get back together, she was drifting into a self-searching place. Anyhow, we made plans for a week-long visit, and I recall being both excited and apprehensive when the day of her arrival came. What, exactly, was I doing?

 

Whatever it was, I did it. We had a good time—and, looking back, I guess it kind of led to some closure. No tension, no hard talks, but it was just so clear we were on different planets, different wavelengths. There was some inner melancholy, for sure, probably on both ends in different shades. But there'd been plenty of that for months, so it's not like it was "triggered." I'm a pretty go with the flow guy, generally calm in some pretty weird scenarios, and aside from the twisted-up heart I was digging the new, post-her life I was clumsily carving out. So it wasn't really some outlier in my life that "set me back" or anything. Was what it was: weirdness during a weird time in life. If I didn't have a sweet tooth for weirdness, I'd have canceled the trip.

 

Can you let this just be something like that? Weird times aren't always the worst times. You know the stakes—don't push them. See some stuff, order another sake (but not too much!) when you feel like getting maudlin. Japan is the best: so much stimuli, so much to absorb—make the trip about that, not a verdict on anything else. That gavel has sounded, and perhaps it's this trip you need to hear its ring, for real.

 

We all get to where we need to get, some on windier paths than others. This is yours. No choice, really, but to own it, since you don't want to make another choice.

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It seems you've been comfortable being in this type of limbo for the better part of almost a year. What is so hard about being civil/friendly for the next three weeks? It will be challenging but I think you're getting cold feet in the moment and this is ok (most people would because of your history). In a few days both of you will be having the time of your life and this may be a good opportunity to bring closure to an otherwise open and festering wound. It's been left open for awhile now.

 

I'd take a moment to quell the fight/flight impulse and stay the course, go on the trip, practice respect and kindness towards each other and accept your differences. I agree with not attempting to rekindle anything or appear pushy. I think it's the mature thing to do at this point as neither of you backed out up until now. You've also kept in touch with each other despite how painful your differences.

 

Take it easy and enjoy the trip.

 

Mind over matter and manage your expectations. You committed to go on a trip that you wanted to go on. The other half of the equation has been defined and this won't be a romantic reconciliation trip. So enjoy it for what it is. Be the bigger person to put the emotions aside and just try to be friend and a good travelling companion.

 

What other choice do you have?? You are determined to go and she is determined to not reconcile.

 

 

Thank you, you two talk of similar things. I will try my best

 

 

I like Rose's take, and reinvent's, given the particulars.

 

I might have a related story, for what it's worth. Ex broke up with me, I moved cities shortly after. There was a lot still between us, no drama or ill-will, and we did the limbo thing for a bit for a few months: in touch, sleeping together here and there. I very much wanted to get back together, she was drifting into a self-searching place. Anyhow, we made plans for a week-long visit, and I recall being both excited and apprehensive when the day of her arrival came. What, exactly, was I doing?

 

Whatever it was, I did it. We had a good time—and, looking back, I guess it kind of led to some closure. No tension, no hard talks, but it was just so clear we were on different planets, different wavelengths. There was some inner melancholy, for sure, probably on both ends in different shades. But there'd been plenty of that for months, so it's not like it was "triggered." I'm a pretty go with the flow guy, generally calm in some pretty weird scenarios, and aside from the twisted-up heart I was digging the new, post-her life I was clumsily carving out. So it wasn't really some outlier in my life that "set me back" or anything. Was what it was: weirdness during a weird time in life. If I didn't have a sweet tooth for weirdness, I'd have canceled the trip.

 

Can you let this just be something like that? Weird times aren't always the worst times. You know the stakes—don't push them. See some stuff, order another sake (but not too much!) when you feel like getting maudlin. Japan is the best: so much stimuli, so much to absorb—make the trip about that, not a verdict on anything else. That gavel has sounded, and perhaps it's this trip you need to hear its ring, for real.

 

We all get to where we need to get, some on windier paths than others. This is yours. No choice, really, but to own it, since you don't want to make another choice.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words. I didn't realise this is exactly what I needed to hear.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just posting an update as a lot of people seem to disappear after making posts like this.

 

First off, I just wanted to thank everyone who replied, including the ones who were very harsh in their comments.

 

I ended up going on the trip with her. She left 5 days ago and I still have another 6 days here travelling by myself. Cost wise it was 50/50 as she ended up contributing to hotels without me asking.

 

During the 3 weeks together, we had a great time, even though it was bittersweet because I knew it would likely end. We did break a few boundaries but not many, like sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, hugging and quick kisses towards the end. She said she enjoyed things a lot and missed being hugged by me etc. There were minimal problems with jealousy, although I guess that was more her being considerate than anything I was doing. We had one big fight which we resolved after a day or so, although it did put a damper on things a bit. I guess that was to be expected.

 

At the end, we had a chat and mutually agreed that we should part ways for now indefinitely. We aren't on the same page and we can't keep reliving the drama. For my part, I can't keep putting myself through that heartache and jealousy all over again.

 

I guess the ending was on a good note. I think I am more ready to move on now, even though I probably still harbour a lot of hope deep down that things will work out between me and her in the end.

 

It has hit me quite hard now that she has left, and I miss her a lot. But I have not contacted her at all. For now, I'll try to enjoy the rest of my few days here as much as I can.

 

Thanks again.

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