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Thread: Three week holiday with an ex- leaving in 3 days and need some advice

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Can only echo Andrina, since you've been determined to go for so long and to this particular destination, then focus on the trip not the company. See whatever sights you want to see, engage with the locals while out and about and treat her as just a companion because that's all she is at this point. Same thing about talking, focus on the trip, that day's activities, what you are planning to do and see or what you think of what you've already seen. Stay off personal topics and again, chat up the locals to have some buffer between you and her. Besides, the locals can tell you more about what to see and do off the beaten path, so always a bonus. Building in some personal time is also a good idea.

  2. #12
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    Don't really understand why you have continued with all of this. You did this to yourself.

    Where are you going? Can you go off and do things on your own.

  3. #13
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    Oh for goodness sake, Cancel the trip!

    Do not torture yourself this way and spoil what was supposed to be a great trip.

    Japan will be there waiting for you when yo can go solo or with someone else.

    The money is not the issue at all. Eat the cancellation.

  4. #14
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    Go on the trip but don't stay in hotel with her. Also sightsee yourself. Don't spend any more money on her yikes, I think guys that pay for everything are just asking to be used.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you want to reconcile? If so make it a good trip, if not make it a fun trip.
    Originally Posted by Tech5
    All in all it has left me in a position where I will be going with her 100%. I wanted to work out what not to do, mindset, etc so that I can have the best trip possible at this stage

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Mind over matter and manage your expectations. You committed to go on a trip that you wanted to go on. The other half of the equation has been defined and this won't be a romantic reconciliation trip. So enjoy it for what it is. Be the bigger person to put the emotions aside and just try to be friend and a good travelling companion.

    What other choice do you have?? You are determined to go and she is determined to not reconcile.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I like Rose's take, and reinvent's, given the particulars.

    I might have a related story, for what it's worth. Ex broke up with me, I moved cities shortly after. There was a lot still between us, no drama or ill-will, and we did the limbo thing for a bit for a few months: in touch, sleeping together here and there. I very much wanted to get back together, she was drifting into a self-searching place. Anyhow, we made plans for a week-long visit, and I recall being both excited and apprehensive when the day of her arrival came. What, exactly, was I doing?

    Whatever it was, I did it. We had a good timeóand, looking back, I guess it kind of led to some closure. No tension, no hard talks, but it was just so clear we were on different planets, different wavelengths. There was some inner melancholy, for sure, probably on both ends in different shades. But there'd been plenty of that for months, so it's not like it was "triggered." I'm a pretty go with the flow guy, generally calm in some pretty weird scenarios, and aside from the twisted-up heart I was digging the new, post-her life I was clumsily carving out. So it wasn't really some outlier in my life that "set me back" or anything. Was what it was: weirdness during a weird time in life. If I didn't have a sweet tooth for weirdness, I'd have canceled the trip.

    Can you let this just be something like that? Weird times aren't always the worst times. You know the stakesódon't push them. See some stuff, order another sake (but not too much!) when you feel like getting maudlin. Japan is the best: so much stimuli, so much to absorbómake the trip about that, not a verdict on anything else. That gavel has sounded, and perhaps it's this trip you need to hear its ring, for real.

    We all get to where we need to get, some on windier paths than others. This is yours. No choice, really, but to own it, since you don't want to make another choice.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It seems you've been comfortable being in this type of limbo for the better part of almost a year. What is so hard about being civil/friendly for the next three weeks? It will be challenging but I think you're getting cold feet in the moment and this is ok (most people would because of your history). In a few days both of you will be having the time of your life and this may be a good opportunity to bring closure to an otherwise open and festering wound. It's been left open for awhile now.

    I'd take a moment to quell the fight/flight impulse and stay the course, go on the trip, practice respect and kindness towards each other and accept your differences. I agree with not attempting to rekindle anything or appear pushy. I think it's the mature thing to do at this point as neither of you backed out up until now. You've also kept in touch with each other despite how painful your differences.

    Take it easy and enjoy the trip.
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Mind over matter and manage your expectations. You committed to go on a trip that you wanted to go on. The other half of the equation has been defined and this won't be a romantic reconciliation trip. So enjoy it for what it is. Be the bigger person to put the emotions aside and just try to be friend and a good travelling companion.

    What other choice do you have?? You are determined to go and she is determined to not reconcile.

    Thank you, you two talk of similar things. I will try my best


    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I like Rose's take, and reinvent's, given the particulars.

    I might have a related story, for what it's worth. Ex broke up with me, I moved cities shortly after. There was a lot still between us, no drama or ill-will, and we did the limbo thing for a bit for a few months: in touch, sleeping together here and there. I very much wanted to get back together, she was drifting into a self-searching place. Anyhow, we made plans for a week-long visit, and I recall being both excited and apprehensive when the day of her arrival came. What, exactly, was I doing?

    Whatever it was, I did it. We had a good timeóand, looking back, I guess it kind of led to some closure. No tension, no hard talks, but it was just so clear we were on different planets, different wavelengths. There was some inner melancholy, for sure, probably on both ends in different shades. But there'd been plenty of that for months, so it's not like it was "triggered." I'm a pretty go with the flow guy, generally calm in some pretty weird scenarios, and aside from the twisted-up heart I was digging the new, post-her life I was clumsily carving out. So it wasn't really some outlier in my life that "set me back" or anything. Was what it was: weirdness during a weird time in life. If I didn't have a sweet tooth for weirdness, I'd have canceled the trip.

    Can you let this just be something like that? Weird times aren't always the worst times. You know the stakesódon't push them. See some stuff, order another sake (but not too much!) when you feel like getting maudlin. Japan is the best: so much stimuli, so much to absorbómake the trip about that, not a verdict on anything else. That gavel has sounded, and perhaps it's this trip you need to hear its ring, for real.

    We all get to where we need to get, some on windier paths than others. This is yours. No choice, really, but to own it, since you don't want to make another choice.
    Thanks so much for your kind words. I didn't realise this is exactly what I needed to hear.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd pay her any money she had contributed toward the trip and offer free room to any friend or family member who wants to meet you out there.

  11. #20
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    Just posting an update as a lot of people seem to disappear after making posts like this.

    First off, I just wanted to thank everyone who replied, including the ones who were very harsh in their comments.

    I ended up going on the trip with her. She left 5 days ago and I still have another 6 days here travelling by myself. Cost wise it was 50/50 as she ended up contributing to hotels without me asking.

    During the 3 weeks together, we had a great time, even though it was bittersweet because I knew it would likely end. We did break a few boundaries but not many, like sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, hugging and quick kisses towards the end. She said she enjoyed things a lot and missed being hugged by me etc. There were minimal problems with jealousy, although I guess that was more her being considerate than anything I was doing. We had one big fight which we resolved after a day or so, although it did put a damper on things a bit. I guess that was to be expected.

    At the end, we had a chat and mutually agreed that we should part ways for now indefinitely. We aren't on the same page and we can't keep reliving the drama. For my part, I can't keep putting myself through that heartache and jealousy all over again.

    I guess the ending was on a good note. I think I am more ready to move on now, even though I probably still harbour a lot of hope deep down that things will work out between me and her in the end.

    It has hit me quite hard now that she has left, and I miss her a lot. But I have not contacted her at all. For now, I'll try to enjoy the rest of my few days here as much as I can.

    Thanks again.

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