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Emotionally Abusive


steveayit

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Hi,

I am a male & my partner female. We have been together just over 12 months.

 

At the very start of our relationship, I took viagra to help with my nerves & worries about whether I could please her & a fear of not being able to 'perform'.

 

I did not tell my partner that I took this at first.

Eventually telling her about 3 months in, after an issue where I did fail to perform when phasing out using the viagra.

 

This led to my partner who has generalised anxiety to think that my use of viagra was down to both a lack of desire for her & also maybe because I was having sex with other women.

 

Over the course of time these issues have gotten worse for us.

 

Whenever we are out of the house, my partner now thinks that I am always looking at other women. She is so sure that this is happening , that I have had to question whether I am doing it subconsciously & not realising myself.

It has not gotten to the point where actually both of us feel very uncomfortable going out with the other, her because she know's I will be 'eyeing up' other women, me because I am scared of there being women about who I think she may think I will look at.

 

Despite these worries continuing, I decided to stop using the viagra full stop in January, in order to take that part of the problem off the table & personally that actually helped me , as I then felt confident enough to not need it at all anyway.

 

However in February, my partner found the leftover box of viagra, in my bag where I had left it & not used.

This led to her believing that I had lied about it & was hiding it in her house. Which to a point was true, as after deciding to not take it any longer, I had just left it in that bag & forgotten about it.

 

But she feels that I intentionally hid it from her, possibly for using with other women & from there the mistrust has only grew.

 

We have been on dates where she has left in the middle of a meal ,because she has seen me staring at another woman.

Despite me being very self conscious of her thinking that I would do that & consciously trying hard to look at nothing around us.

She will be convinced & still is, that I am 'glegging' as she calls it at other women.

 

If I try question that I might not have actually been looking , I am told I am gaslighting her & being emotionally abusive by playing on her worries.

 

To the point now , where I have to wonder if I am actually doing this without knowing, even though I am being super self conscious of my actions whenever we are out.

 

We very recently have now moved in together.

When we moved, I had packed the viagra still in one of my bags from my house. Doing that when she wasn't with me, I didn't know what to do with them, as I had said I would not take them anymore back in January.

I didn't want to throw them, in case at some point she would want to know where they were & if I couldn't show her, she may think I had used them elsewhere. So I packed them & forgot about them.

 

Then a week or so after the move, our issues were as bad as ever & she was very uphappy with me one morning.

I was going to give her the bag to use that day & remembered the the viagra was still in there.

Instead of telling her about it, worried about how she would react to it. I moved it to another bag.

Over the coming days , these problems kept getting worse & we were both very on edge.

Eventually we had one day where we didn't argue soo much & I was aware she wanted sex.

I felt a fear that I hadn't had for a while, that if I failed , she would say that was evidence I didnt love her & that would be the end f the relationship. So I took a viagra.

 

I did not tell her I had took it, as

A, it helped calm my nerves about potential issues

& B, if she thought the sex was with viagra, she would think it was not legitimate & be further proof to her that I don't love her.

 

However she could tell that I had used it.

After finding out that she had been going through all my things to try to find it , I told that I had took it & that I had moved it the few days before also.

 

This has completely broke her, as it is now evidence that I have consistently lied to her throughout our relationship & have been emotionally abusive.

 

I don't feel that I have.

I personally don't think I have been doing all the things she has accused me of. However , It is true , that I did not tell her about the viagra.

 

She now feels that she can never trust me again, whilst I feel it is that lack of trust that has led me to feel nervous enough to need to use viagra.

 

There is a lot of love between us, but don't now know if there is a way back.

 

Does anyone else have experience of these issues or advice?

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My advice?

 

End this relationship. It’s toxic and she evidently lacks all insight into her own poor behaviour. She is far too insecure and untrusting for any sort of healthy relationship, and she’s got you waking on eggshells and feeling you can’t be honest with her. If she thinks you’re so emotionally abusive, (which i don’t agree with), then what the heck is she doing wii you?

 

This won’t get better. It will get worse. Why on earth did you decide to move in together?

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My advice?

 

End this relationship. It’s toxic and she evidently lacks all insight into her own poor behaviour. She is far too insecure and untrusting for any sort of healthy relationship, and she’s got you waking on eggshells and feeling you can’t be honest with her. If she thinks you’re so emotionally abusive, (which i don’t agree with), then what the heck is she doing wii you?

 

This won’t get better. It will get worse. Why on earth did you decide to move in together?

 

Agree with MissCanuck

 

No idea why you moved in with her given all the drama. A little insecurity and jealousy is fine, but your partner is ridiculous. It would be exhausting to live with that.

 

Assuming that you are not just flat out staring at other women, having your eyes drawn to attractive women is perfectly normal for a heterosexual man. Women do the same with handsome men, though probably not to the same extent. In any case having a quick glance, a sneaky glimpse, whatever, is mostly subconscious, and does not mean you intend to cheat on your partner, or that you do not find your partner attractive. If it triggers her that much, you will have endless drama if you continue your relationship.

 

Edit: Oh yeah, between the two of you, you managed to make a right mess of the Viagra issue... How old are you? Why were you concerned about performance? Do you have a medical condition or is it a psychological issue? If it is the latter, I would recommend some therapy. It is a tricky issue to discuss with a partner, but your partner is clearly in no state to handle any complications like this.

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I am at a loss as to why you would move yourself in with a woman who has such insecurity and trust issues. She needs professional help in getting over her insecurity, her mistrust, her lack of self esteem. I will even go so far as to say she has probably cheated herself in her past because a lot of times, people who have cheated, project their own behaviour onto others.

 

I encourage you to also looking into your own co-dependency because to move in with someone who is such a poor choice for a partner makes me wonder what is going on with you that you would settle for the likes of her. She has been a toxic mess since very early in your relationship yet you went ahead and advanced your relationship with her. Why?

 

"She feels she can never trust you again!" She never ever trusted you and it would be interesting to learn more about her relationship history which I will assume has been dismal at best.

 

Its not a "lot of love" between the two of you but rather a codependent addiction to one another that is anything but healthy I'm sorry to read.

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Sorry but you can't fix this, nor should it be on you to. This is why we date...to see the real person, how they are, and how they treat us. This is an epic fail, and to get out of your misery, is to let go and be free of her. There is better out there with very little dysfunction.

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Sorry to hear all this. I agree with the other members. Please give yourself some time to recover and reflect on the way this has turned out. She's insecure about you and other women. Apart from what you've written here we don't know much about your demeanour or how you outwardly are towards other women in public. You could very well be glancing over at women and men and she's sensitive to glances only to the opposite sex. I have dated people who are much more alert to their surroundings than others; my husband is one of them. It doesn't mean he loves me any less or makes me feel less when we're together. I also understand that he's a naturally observant and alert person. His perceptiveness and quick thinking are some of the things that endear him to me.

 

It is certain though that her insecurity has rubbed off onto you and whatever you are feeling is negative and unhealthy.

 

Regarding the viagra, you've proven to yourself that it may not be necessary given the right circumstances. Unfortunately, this woman is not the right circumstance. A loving and committed relationship involves understanding and mutual respect. Strive for those things in a relationship.

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Did you realize in this brief post that you mention viagra over 11 times? You seem obsessed with this. However what you need to do is move out because it's just not working out for you. Also get to a doctor for a check up and referral to a therapist. ED drugs do not treat anxiety.

We have been together just over 12 months.

At the very start of our relationship, I took viagra

I did fail to perform when phasing out using the viagra.

This led to my partner who has generalised anxiety to think that my use of viagra

I decided to stop using the viagra full stop in January,

However in February, my partner found the leftover box of viagra

When we moved, I had packed the viagra still in one of my bags from my house.

I was going to give her the bag to use that day & remembered the the viagra was still in there.

I took a viagra.

if she thought the sex was with viagra,

I did not tell her about the viagra.

I feel it is that lack of trust that has led me to feel nervous enough to need to use viagra.

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Most men look at women. About all you can do is find a more agreeable woman or wear mirrored shades.

 

If she was nicer she would be happy she was getting sex - Viagra or not.

 

Cut off sex, and / or romance and affection. When she asks, "What's wrong?", then you can explain to her that nagging about Viagra and other women turns you off. Perhaps then she'll be ready to change her ways.

 

If the woman was nice and sane, you would not need the Viagra.

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Did you realize in this brief post that you mention viagra over 11 times? You seem obsessed with this. However what you need to do is move out because it's just not working out for you. Also get to a doctor for a check up and referral to a therapist. ED drugs do not treat anxiety.

 

Yah, your problem has zero to do with viagra. The problem is you two are painfully insecure and mistrusting. The two of combined is a little much like gasoline and fire.

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Thanks for all the feedback on this post, it is really appreciated.

It is hard at times to gain a objective perspective of relationship issues from in the middle of them. Both parties can only ever have their version of the truth.

 

I think the difficulty within this is , a recognition , at least on my part , that the issues are not bourne out of malice or ill feelings or disrespect towards each other. They are fear and vulnerability. On both sides.

When two people love each other and can recognise that , I'm sure there are steps we can take to remedy, manage those issues. Because of course , if you love someone, you have their emotional & spiritual wellbeing at heart. So it is incredibly difficult or even wrong to turn your back on someone you love, just because they are hurting.

 

I'm currently trying to convince my (now ex partner) who I still love dearly, to try to see if we can go for couples counselling, which she did suggest during the relationship & I rejected foolishly.

 

Thanks again.

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Unfortunately this is a case of a little too little a little too late. She's gone. Let things cool off. If she wants to reconcile, let her be the one who contacts you. Begging is very unattractive.

I'm currently trying to convince my (now ex partner) who I still love dearly, to try to see if we can go for couples counselling, which she did suggest during the relationship & I rejected foolishly.

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Thanks for all the feedback on this post, it is really appreciated.

It is hard at times to gain a objective perspective of relationship issues from in the middle of them. Both parties can only ever have their version of the truth.

 

I think the difficulty within this is , a recognition , at least on my part , that the issues are not bourne out of malice or ill feelings or disrespect towards each other. They are fear and vulnerability. On both sides.

When two people love each other and can recognise that , I'm sure there are steps we can take to remedy, manage those issues. Because of course , if you love someone, you have their emotional & spiritual wellbeing at heart. So it is incredibly difficult or even wrong to turn your back on someone you love, just because they are hurting.

 

I'm currently trying to convince my (now ex partner) who I still love dearly, to try to see if we can go for couples counselling, which she did suggest during the relationship & I rejected foolishly.

 

Thanks again.

Why don't you get your own personal therapy while you wait to see if she is willing to go to couples counselling? You both could use some professional guidance in order to be the best you that you can be. It wasn't a matter of love in your case but rather codependent addiction to her. Consider the way the two of you were with one another before you even moved in together shows that you are confused as to what is and what isn't in your own best interests.

 

I wish you well.

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Why don't you get your own personal therapy while you wait to see if she is willing to go to couples counselling? You both could use some professional guidance in order to be the best you that you can be. It wasn't a matter of love in your case but rather codependent addiction to her. Consider the way the two of you were with one another before you even moved in together shows that you are confused as to what is and what isn't in your own best interests.

 

I wish you well.

 

Bingo.

 

I am legit not seeing how she’s getting all the blame, when you were deceitful knowing full well she had insecurities the size of the Grand Canyon, talk about putting lighter fluid on the fire...

 

Neither one of you should be dating right now.

 

Couples therapy may work but you both need individual therapy to start.

 

If your own anxiety is so big you are having performance issues there’s something wrong, explore that, don’t blindly medicate.

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Why don't you get your own personal therapy while you wait to see if she is willing to go to couples counselling? You both could use some professional guidance in order to be the best you that you can be. It wasn't a matter of love in your case but rather codependent addiction to her. Consider the way the two of you were with one another before you even moved in together shows that you are confused as to what is and what isn't in your own best interests.

 

I wish you well.

 

Thanks, yeah I am taking steps now to get my own counselling . I think she is too.

I don't quite see the co-dependance , if anything , it seems to me that it is a case of two people who fell in love , but both have insecurites that play off against each other. It seems more that it is fighting that baggage/insecurity because you love someone.

 

I feel fully aware of the issues, I just can't let her go, part of this because she is convinced that I am womanising & cheating on her with body & mind, if only she knew the truth of how I felt about her, then things would be fixed. I am 39 years old & have been a pretty stable person throughout my life, but I have never loved someone as much as I love my (ex)partner.

 

It is issues of mistrust that only sit between us.

 

I really appreciate your feedback, again, non-partisan voices from outside of the relationship are hard to come by.

 

Thanks

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It seems more that it is fighting that baggage/insecurity because you love someone. It seems more that it is fighting that baggage/insecurity because you love someone.
People who are not codependent in nature may "fight" that unhealthy aspect of their relationship (and individual issues) but they don't stick around if nothing changes and they would never move in with someone when there is that much unhealthy relating going on before the cohabitation.

 

In any event, it's good that you are taking steps to get yourself into therapy where you will have an opportunity to discuss these sorts of things with a professional.

 

Good luck... I hope your therapy shows you that you are better off without someone like her in your life and gives you the tools to be able to love someone who isn't with such a plethora of issues.

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