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Thread: Emotionally Abusive

  1. #1

    Emotionally Abusive

    Hi,
    I am a male & my partner female. We have been together just over 12 months.

    At the very start of our relationship, I took viagra to help with my nerves & worries about whether I could please her & a fear of not being able to 'perform'.

    I did not tell my partner that I took this at first.
    Eventually telling her about 3 months in, after an issue where I did fail to perform when phasing out using the viagra.

    This led to my partner who has generalised anxiety to think that my use of viagra was down to both a lack of desire for her & also maybe because I was having sex with other women.

    Over the course of time these issues have gotten worse for us.

    Whenever we are out of the house, my partner now thinks that I am always looking at other women. She is so sure that this is happening , that I have had to question whether I am doing it subconsciously & not realising myself.
    It has not gotten to the point where actually both of us feel very uncomfortable going out with the other, her because she know's I will be 'eyeing up' other women, me because I am scared of there being women about who I think she may think I will look at.

    Despite these worries continuing, I decided to stop using the viagra full stop in January, in order to take that part of the problem off the table & personally that actually helped me , as I then felt confident enough to not need it at all anyway.

    However in February, my partner found the leftover box of viagra, in my bag where I had left it & not used.
    This led to her believing that I had lied about it & was hiding it in her house. Which to a point was true, as after deciding to not take it any longer, I had just left it in that bag & forgotten about it.

    But she feels that I intentionally hid it from her, possibly for using with other women & from there the mistrust has only grew.

    We have been on dates where she has left in the middle of a meal ,because she has seen me staring at another woman.
    Despite me being very self conscious of her thinking that I would do that & consciously trying hard to look at nothing around us.
    She will be convinced & still is, that I am 'glegging' as she calls it at other women.

    If I try question that I might not have actually been looking , I am told I am gaslighting her & being emotionally abusive by playing on her worries.

    To the point now , where I have to wonder if I am actually doing this without knowing, even though I am being super self conscious of my actions whenever we are out.

    We very recently have now moved in together.
    When we moved, I had packed the viagra still in one of my bags from my house. Doing that when she wasn't with me, I didn't know what to do with them, as I had said I would not take them anymore back in January.
    I didn't want to throw them, in case at some point she would want to know where they were & if I couldn't show her, she may think I had used them elsewhere. So I packed them & forgot about them.

    Then a week or so after the move, our issues were as bad as ever & she was very uphappy with me one morning.
    I was going to give her the bag to use that day & remembered the the viagra was still in there.
    Instead of telling her about it, worried about how she would react to it. I moved it to another bag.
    Over the coming days , these problems kept getting worse & we were both very on edge.
    Eventually we had one day where we didn't argue soo much & I was aware she wanted sex.
    I felt a fear that I hadn't had for a while, that if I failed , she would say that was evidence I didnt love her & that would be the end f the relationship. So I took a viagra.

    I did not tell her I had took it, as
    A, it helped calm my nerves about potential issues
    & B, if she thought the sex was with viagra, she would think it was not legitimate & be further proof to her that I don't love her.

    However she could tell that I had used it.
    After finding out that she had been going through all my things to try to find it , I told that I had took it & that I had moved it the few days before also.

    This has completely broke her, as it is now evidence that I have consistently lied to her throughout our relationship & have been emotionally abusive.

    I don't feel that I have.
    I personally don't think I have been doing all the things she has accused me of. However , It is true , that I did not tell her about the viagra.

    She now feels that she can never trust me again, whilst I feel it is that lack of trust that has led me to feel nervous enough to need to use viagra.

    There is a lot of love between us, but don't now know if there is a way back.

    Does anyone else have experience of these issues or advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    My advice?

    End this relationship. Itís toxic and she evidently lacks all insight into her own poor behaviour. She is far too insecure and untrusting for any sort of healthy relationship, and sheís got you waking on eggshells and feeling you canít be honest with her. If she thinks youíre so emotionally abusive, (which i donít agree with), then what the heck is she doing wii you?

    This wonít get better. It will get worse. Why on earth did you decide to move in together?

  3. #3
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    My advice?

    End this relationship. Itís toxic and she evidently lacks all insight into her own poor behaviour. She is far too insecure and untrusting for any sort of healthy relationship, and sheís got you waking on eggshells and feeling you canít be honest with her. If she thinks youíre so emotionally abusive, (which i donít agree with), then what the heck is she doing wii you?

    This wonít get better. It will get worse. Why on earth did you decide to move in together?
    Agree with MissCanuck

    No idea why you moved in with her given all the drama. A little insecurity and jealousy is fine, but your partner is ridiculous. It would be exhausting to live with that.

    Assuming that you are not just flat out staring at other women, having your eyes drawn to attractive women is perfectly normal for a heterosexual man. Women do the same with handsome men, though probably not to the same extent. In any case having a quick glance, a sneaky glimpse, whatever, is mostly subconscious, and does not mean you intend to cheat on your partner, or that you do not find your partner attractive. If it triggers her that much, you will have endless drama if you continue your relationship.

    Edit: Oh yeah, between the two of you, you managed to make a right mess of the Viagra issue... How old are you? Why were you concerned about performance? Do you have a medical condition or is it a psychological issue? If it is the latter, I would recommend some therapy. It is a tricky issue to discuss with a partner, but your partner is clearly in no state to handle any complications like this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I am at a loss as to why you would move yourself in with a woman who has such insecurity and trust issues. She needs professional help in getting over her insecurity, her mistrust, her lack of self esteem. I will even go so far as to say she has probably cheated herself in her past because a lot of times, people who have cheated, project their own behaviour onto others.

    I encourage you to also looking into your own co-dependency because to move in with someone who is such a poor choice for a partner makes me wonder what is going on with you that you would settle for the likes of her. She has been a toxic mess since very early in your relationship yet you went ahead and advanced your relationship with her. Why?

    "She feels she can never trust you again!" She never ever trusted you and it would be interesting to learn more about her relationship history which I will assume has been dismal at best.

    Its not a "lot of love" between the two of you but rather a codependent addiction to one another that is anything but healthy I'm sorry to read.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry but you can't fix this, nor should it be on you to. This is why we date...to see the real person, how they are, and how they treat us. This is an epic fail, and to get out of your misery, is to let go and be free of her. There is better out there with very little dysfunction.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear all this. I agree with the other members. Please give yourself some time to recover and reflect on the way this has turned out. She's insecure about you and other women. Apart from what you've written here we don't know much about your demeanour or how you outwardly are towards other women in public. You could very well be glancing over at women and men and she's sensitive to glances only to the opposite sex. I have dated people who are much more alert to their surroundings than others; my husband is one of them. It doesn't mean he loves me any less or makes me feel less when we're together. I also understand that he's a naturally observant and alert person. His perceptiveness and quick thinking are some of the things that endear him to me.

    It is certain though that her insecurity has rubbed off onto you and whatever you are feeling is negative and unhealthy.

    Regarding the viagra, you've proven to yourself that it may not be necessary given the right circumstances. Unfortunately, this woman is not the right circumstance. A loving and committed relationship involves understanding and mutual respect. Strive for those things in a relationship.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you realize in this brief post that you mention viagra over 11 times? You seem obsessed with this. However what you need to do is move out because it's just not working out for you. Also get to a doctor for a check up and referral to a therapist. ED drugs do not treat anxiety.
    Originally Posted by steveayit
    We have been together just over 12 months.
    At the very start of our relationship, I took viagra
    I did fail to perform when phasing out using the viagra.
    This led to my partner who has generalised anxiety to think that my use of viagra
    I decided to stop using the viagra full stop in January,
    However in February, my partner found the leftover box of viagra
    When we moved, I had packed the viagra still in one of my bags from my house.
    I was going to give her the bag to use that day & remembered the the viagra was still in there.
    I took a viagra.
    if she thought the sex was with viagra,
    I did not tell her about the viagra.
    I feel it is that lack of trust that has led me to feel nervous enough to need to use viagra.

  9. #8
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    This relationship is so toxic and exhausting. You should have dumped her, long ago!

    Do you usually chose women like this? Seek help for your co dependency.

    Why in the world did you move in with this nut?

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Most men look at women. About all you can do is find a more agreeable woman or wear mirrored shades.

    If she was nicer she would be happy she was getting sex - Viagra or not.

    Cut off sex, and / or romance and affection. When she asks, "What's wrong?", then you can explain to her that nagging about Viagra and other women turns you off. Perhaps then she'll be ready to change her ways.

    If the woman was nice and sane, you would not need the Viagra.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    She is toxic and she is going to ruin you... this woman needs help, but not from you. I will sate this clearly:

    YOU ARE NOT ABUSIVE
    YOU ARE NOT A LIAR

    Look at this situation from far away, as if you were watching a movie... wouldn't you be yelling at the guy for staying with her?

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