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Thread: Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?

  1. #81
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'll probably get flayed for this, but I think the drinking thing is a good sign. Booze is a kind of truth serum, bringing certain colors to the surface, often before we've come to fully understand and embrace those colors ourselves. No, I'm not saying turn him into a drunk, but maybe to spend some time trying to cultivate your inner boozeósee, you know, if you can loosen him up a bit.

    Which leads to: great that he is down for counselingówhere we wild humans can learn to harness the very best of our inner drunks without the booze. Be it a passive nature or whatnot, people who are open to therapy are rare. Lean into that, together, and see what comes. I've often said that, if I ever get engaged, I'll want to celebrate it with a few joint sessions regardless of the state of thingsóand that the person I get engaged to would be down for that.

    All that said, I'll give you the advice I gave my best friend, when he was engaged. Decade-long relationship, lots of history, basically their whole 20s with each other. Among their issuesóand, I suspect, she'd have said the same thing, though it was he I talked toówas that they "never quite clicked physically." Anyhow, over beers one day he voiced some pretty vulnerable concerns about things, saying, in effect, that he thought he needed to get engaged to know he didn't want to marry her.

    I told him to listen to that thoughtónot react impulsively, but not ignore recklessly, but to just listen, since the financial and emotional logistics of ending an engagement are nothing compared to ending a marriage. So, you know, keep on listening.

  2. #82
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    Serious question-
    How does having had a few bad relationships have to do with a need that someone has? I had it before those relationships and I will always have it.

    He can be who he is. Thatís why I am going to observe and make the right decision before we get married. I spoke to him and he knows how I feel. Thatís all I can really do. Before we got engaged , he would be more affectionate at times. It seems to have decreased much more since we got engaged.
    Just to clarify, I donít think youíre wrong for feeling the way you do, or having wants and needs that you do, we all have wants and needs. I think, I guess Iím not being clear, I think expecting another grown adult to change who he fundamentally is to please you is unrealistic and unfair.

    On top of being not so touchy freely, Iím also sarcastic as hell, itís simply how I express myself, so if I canít call you a butt munch while affectionately punching you in the arm, I probably wonít be the girl for you. And while I am not good at expressing myself physically, since my love language is acts of service, Iíll be that girl that makes your favorite snack while you enjoy the ball game or checking up on you when youíre at home sick or surprising you with tickets to your favorite band just because, thatís how I show love. If I was asked to change how I showed love, I legitimately donít think I could do it, just like you state you are who you are, YOURE RIGHT! Thatís my point, you are who you are, he is who he is, I truly donít think your differences are so big they canít be overcome I truly just think you arenít seeing outside yourself, so the concept of compromise is just flying over your head...

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