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Thread: Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?

  1. #71
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    Read up on the 7 Love Languages. Mine is PRESENTS, and I show through through time. My husband shows it by action. And for him to feel loved is affection. So if being touched and caressed by partner is something you cannot live without, you can't stay with that type of partner. They don't grow into super touchy-feely people because you tell them so. And yes, telling them to pick up after themselves is a request, but they will always be clutterly even when they mean well. They just can't see the mess the way you do.

    Imagine after kids, never being touched? I can't get my hubby's paws off me sometimes =D

    How you need to be loved is non-negotiable.


    My didn't read all the posts, so I apologize if I've missed something.

  2. #72
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MurphyB
    Sorry but you are referring to people who are twice the OP's age. It's a different generation and doesn't make it right. Just because you are used to being around people who are not affectionate doesn't make it the norm for the OP - or acceptable.

    From the OP's post it's clear she is unhappy in her current situ with her fella who is clearly uptight in his ability to express himself sexually/lovingly and in a tactile way to those most important to him - aka his future wife, his mother, family etc.

    She deserves a guy who is going to make her feel sexy, wanted, desirable, etc from an action POV. Telling someone you 'Love them everyday' is not enough for a girl or man in their early 30's. Actions speak louder than words.

    Telling her that you know people who are in their 80's or 90's and they 'made it', is not really helping this girl out, unless we all want to live like the characters from Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons...
    I'd be careful making bold statements like there might be something wrong with him or others who aren't physically demonstrative. It's just different, not wrong. A persons capacity for physical contact is a spectrum. He just happens to be on the lower end.
    It's up the poster if this is something she can live with.

  3. #73
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When did the affection drop off? Certainly you would not have not shave dated long if he was always this chilly, no?
    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    I think that if I were more fulfilled in that sense, I would feel more emotionally connected to him and I would be More willing to accept the amount of physical affection (or lack thereof) outside of the bedroom.

  4. #74
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Women need affection in a relationship to stay in love but some men are not affectionate. You would have to talk to him about it. If he does not change his ways you may eventually fall out of love with him and that spells breakup/divorce. You have a very serious problem.

    If talking or counseling does not work, you may have to pull out the big guns and cut off sex - then he'll be ready to listen.

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  6. #75

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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Women need affection in a relationship to stay in love but some men are not affectionate. You would have to talk to him about it. If he does not change his ways you may eventually fall out of love with him and that spells breakup/divorce. You have a very serious problem.

    If talking or counseling does not work, you may have to pull out the big guns and cut off sex - then he'll be ready to listen.
    That is what I am trying to prevent. Iím afraid I am already starting to, so I am fighting hard at this point.

  7. #76

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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Read up on the 7 Love Languages. Mine is PRESENTS, and I show through through time. My husband shows it by action. And for him to feel loved is affection. So if being touched and caressed by partner is something you cannot live without, you can't stay with that type of partner. They don't grow into super touchy-feely people because you tell them so. And yes, telling them to pick up after themselves is a request, but they will always be clutterly even when they mean well. They just can't see the mess the way you do.

    Imagine after kids, never being touched? I can't get my hubby's paws off me sometimes =D

    How you need to be loved is non-negotiable.


    My didn't read all the posts, so I apologize if I've missed something.
    I have just pushed it down for a while then it would get better but looking back the majority of the relationship has been like this. Yes, my fault I guess for accepting a proposal. Itís extremely hard to leave though when 90% of the other stuff is fine. Thank you for your advice:)

  8. #77
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    When did he propose? Do you think that being engaged has brought some of this to the surface? I ask because you made a remark a while back about marriage not being a goal for you, and I guess I wonder how much, at this point in your life, having a life partner is important to you.

    That wasn't a genuine value for me until I was in my mid-30s, which had its pros and cons in relationshipsóthe pro being that I never felt I "had" to marry people who were great in a million ways but not great for me, with the big "con" being that I didn't really know how to communicate when it came to certain issues because I didn't quite know what the end goal of that communication was meant to be.

    There's that age-old saying about how relationships take "work," which I sometimes think gets mistranslated to an idea that relationships are supposed to feel like dead-end jobs and the mark of maturity is learning to accept that. Not saying that's where you are, but maybe asking if you have in your mind a clear idea, right now, of what you'd like to be "working" toward. Without thatóand without a good portion of that being shared by twoóit's just very hard.

  9. #78
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Try to meet half way on this. Can you identify other factors that are satisfying to you? What is he unhappy with, do you know? Or is just you who's unhappy? Of course before you marry premarital counselling will cover subjects like affection and communication.
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I would suggest that you read up on the 5 languages of love, not for the sake of changing him, but for the sake of YOU growing a little bit emotionally and learning to understand, see, value different languages of love.

  10. #79

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    When did he propose? Do you think that being engaged has brought some of this to the surface? I ask because you made a remark a while back about marriage not being a goal for you, and I guess I wonder how much, at this point in your life, having a life partner is important to you.

    That wasn't a genuine value for me until I was in my mid-30s, which had its pros and cons in relationshipsóthe pro being that I never felt I "had" to marry people who were great in a million ways but not great for me, with the big "con" being that I didn't really know how to communicate when it came to certain issues because I didn't quite know what the end goal of that communication was meant to be.

    There's that age-old saying about how relationships take "work," which I sometimes think gets mistranslated to an idea that relationships are supposed to feel like dead-end jobs and the mark of maturity is learning to accept that. Not saying that's where you are, but maybe asking if you have in your mind a clear idea, right now, of what you'd like to be "working" toward. Without thatóand without a good portion of that being shared by twoóit's just very hard.
    He proposed at the beginning of the year. As I have gotten older I do want to get married and have kids. I was just never in a rush.

    We are supposed to be getting married in June and I am supposed to be sending out save the dates, getting dresses and all that stuff. I just donít know right now. This advice has been very helpful. He seems to be more affectionate when he is drinking which loosens him up. I donít want to have to wait every time for him to drink to be more open though.

    There is already a lot of money into this and I know that is not the main concern here, I donít want to end up divorced or meeting someone else that I click with because I take pride in being a loyal person. I am starting to find myself more attracted to other men, but I wouldnít act on it. Iím so torn right now. We just moved in together.

  11. #80

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree. Try to meet half way on this. Can you identify other factors that are satisfying to you? What is he unhappy with, do you know? Or is just you who's unhappy? Of course before you marry premarital counselling will cover subjects like affection and communication.
    Yes, I mentioned a lot of his good qualities in a previous post. He says he is happy when I ask him. I mentioned counseling and he agreed but hasnít said anything else about it. I am going to bring it up again.

    He seems to just go along for the ride sometimes if you will. Just agrees with me even on little things that we do and doesnít really suggest new things to do together. I may be wrong but I feel like itís always me trying to keep the spark alive. He is a bit passive.

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