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Thread: Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Speak with him about this and grow in your closeness together. He may be thinking the same thing about you.

  2. #52

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Speak with him about this and grow in your closeness together. He may be thinking the same thing about you.
    I did and he told me he thought everything was fine.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    I think that if I were more fulfilled in that sense, I would feel more emotionally connected to him and I would be More willing to accept the amount of physical affection (or lack thereof) outside of the bedroom.
    Then deal with the actual issue.
    Also, he would think everything is fine, because you have never spoken up or expressed your desires. Communication is critical in relationships and you have something that's rare - a partner who is willing to listen instead of getting defensive and running away from the issues.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    I did and he told me he thought everything was fine.
    Frankly, it seems like a much ado over nothing. He's a good person, loving, kind, affectionate in his own way, thinks things are fine and you aren't happy. What are you willing to do, really, to fix this or see that your relationship is a bit less dysfunctional on your end? If you're prone to drama or need something to nitpick this is a good way to sabotage your relationship. Practice a little patience and be more demonstrative in the way you practice your love for each other. I'm not a fan of overanalyzing. It's either working or it's not. Make it work or don't make it work. Usually it's done together as a couple. Speak about it more if it's bothering you that much or put an end to these destructive thoughts.

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  6. 10-16-2019, 11:06 PM

  7. #55
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Your own baggage is something you have to deal with too before marriage.
    This. This. This.

    And DF and the comment about love languages and j.man and his comment about *ahem*

    ĎNormalí is relative. I think the fact that blue cracked the vault to the real issue is kinda evidence some need to *ahem* stand down just a tad... sheesh...

    If someone doesnít match another human beings level of acceptable affection I donít think thatís their cross to bear.

    I am not an overly affectionate person myself, Im just not, blame my childhood, my experiences, call me abnormal, Iím not going to suddenly change my makeup, itís too late, I am who I am and it would be down right ... well... selfish for someone to demand I conform to their standards ESPECIALLY when their need for my change was due to their own unresolved baggage.

    Nope, nope, nope.

    The equivalent isnít the laundry euphemism, I think it would be a man demanding his boyfriend ( making sure Iím not stereotyping sexes) enjoy football with him, now the boyfriend can try, the boyfriend can put on the effort, but if itís truly not something he enjoys he is reducing himself to please his mate and it will show. Now a reasonable mate may ask if the boyfriend can simply be in the room while he watches football, simply because he would like his company, the boyfriend can cuddle maybe snack maybe chill and read the newspaper, they compromise, neither changing who they are but bending to enjoy each other as partners.

    Control isnít the answer, compromise is. You arenít creating a husband, you find your partner and enjoy who they are difference and all, not everyone fits and thatís ok.

  8. #56
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Frankly, it seems like a much ado over nothing. He's a good person, loving, kind, affectionate in his own way, thinks things are fine and you aren't happy. What are you willing to do, really, to fix this or see that your relationship is a bit less dysfunctional on your end? If you're prone to drama or need something to nitpick this is a good way to sabotage your relationship. Practice a little patience and be more demonstrative in the way you practice your love for each other. I'm not a fan of overanalyzing. It's either working or it's not. Make it work or don't make it work. Usually it's done together as a couple. Speak about it more if it's bothering you that much or put an end to these destructive thoughts.
    I think you're not helping OP by trying to invalidate her needs, shame her for it (destructive, dysfunctional, overanalyzing, prone to drama, nitpick, sabotage... do you have any more words of expressing judgement?) and try to push it under the carpet. I don't think OP can keep these needs under carpet for too long - some people turn out happy eventually accepting their partner's colder ways, but pretending everything is fine when it isn't to OP is not the way to go. And realizing her needs, expressing it and communicating about it with patience to see where it goes - what OP has been doing here - doesn't seem destructive or dysfunctional to me at all. I don't know how your comment would be helpful to her, I just see a commenter being irritated that someone analyzes a problem that you don't have now or you don't see its importance for OP.

  9. #57
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    I think you're not helping OP by trying to invalidate her needs, shame her for it (destructive, dysfunctional, overanalyzing, prone to drama, nitpick, sabotage... do you have any more words of expressing judgement?) and try to push it under the carpet. I don't think OP can keep these needs under carpet for too long - some people turn out happy eventually accepting their partner's colder ways, but pretending everything is fine when it isn't to OP is not the way to go. And realizing her needs, expressing it and communicating about it with patience to see where it goes - what OP has been doing here - doesn't seem destructive or dysfunctional to me at all. I don't know how your comment would be helpful to her, I just see a commenter being irritated that someone analyzes a problem that you don't have now or you don't see its importance for OP.
    It probably, at this point, has more to do with maturity and putting things into context. They're engaged. It's not just a relationship or dating scenario and by the time two people are engaged there should be a lot more understanding and willingness to communicate (there's more invested in that relationship). You also seem to have missed my point: she should be discussing this at length with her partner. It's between them to work out how their relationship should evolve. No one is suggesting to keep anything under the carpet.

  10. #58
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    OP, do you feel you two are more friends than actual romantic partners?

  11. #59

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    OP, do you feel you two are more friends than actual romantic partners?
    Yes, a good majority of the time.

  12. #60

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    ď I am who I am and it would be down right ... well... selfish for someone to demand I conform to their standards ESPECIALLY when their need for my change was due to their own unresolved baggage. ď


    Figureitout23-
    I am going to disagree with this. My need for affection ( everyone is entitled to their own needs ) has nothing to do with ďunresolved baggageĒ but everything to do with something I put high value on in a relationship. Whether I had baggage or not, I would still want this aspect to be a strong one in a relationship so the two do not go together in my case.

    I am not going to try to change him. I am going to decide if this is something I can live with for the rest of my life.

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