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Thread: Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?

  1. #41
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    LOL to the laundry thing.... i like someone who can take the lead and be more assertive. Nothing to crazy. I guess I just feel like every guy I have dated ( short term) that has been like that, has ended up being emotionally abusive or cheating. I guess I have this idea in my head that if a man is very passionate he probably is not a good long term partner based on my past.

    I want to be able to have those intimate moments that make you closer. Retire and walk on a beach holding hands and always keeping the spark. That kind of stuff . I was never the type of person that had a goal to get married. I always worried what if we end up being bored together .That’s another issue though for another post! I’m just a firm believe in always keeping it alive and keeping that depth or it will just die. He is ok with how things are and i don’t want to take away all the good he does.
    Your own baggage is something you have to deal with too before marriage.

  2. #42

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm very much getting the same sense as Murphy. I remain curious about your pre-him experiences in romance—if there were instances where the passion meter was high but other needed meters were neglected.

    It's so hard, and I feel for you. He's a great guy, you love him, have a lot pinned on him right now. Not saying this is the moment to crumple all that up and toss it away, but it is a moment to be honest about what you want from romantic partnership, and honest with yourself about whether you're trying to excavate something here that is not there to be excavated.
    This... the guy before him was extremely passionate handsome and we just clicked on that level and others. He ended up cheating

  3. #43
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My lord a certain someone in this thread is miserable. Particularly when it comes to matters such as this, nobody can tell you what is normal, much less who's recreationally sticking foreign objects of their rectal cavity.

    Here's what happened. You stuck with someone who's barebones incompatible with you when it comes to the inclination and method of affection. Assuming this wasn't just a sudden revelation, it's kinda shame on you. You can scrutinize his lack of having a long-term relationship prior to you, but it doesn't seem you've learned a whole lot of lessons from however many you've had. Plenty of people simply aren't touchy people. Besides that, a whole lot of couples get out of the romance-novel face-to-face gazing, verbally gushing lovemaking session, at least as far as with any dependable frequency is concerned.

    What you do is exactly as DancingFool suggested. In essence, you reflect on how he does show affection and appreciation for you. Is it worth it? That's the biggest question you've got to ask yourself. You're not wrong if it's not. You're you. He's him. If he's not a hugger with his own mother, while you obviously can't (or I'd hope you can't) extrapolate that in a romantic context, it's a pretty solid indicator of what his "bubble" is when it comes to his inclination toward routine physical affection.

    If I were to go up and down the list of every detail and qualification in a woman prior to my marriage, I doubt my wife would have checked off every single box. What matters is the entire package. And beyond wishing she'd bring home a pizza every now and again, there's never been a moment where, at least in terms of her broader character, I never told myself, "I wish she was different in this way." Who she is more than makes up for whatever I might otherwise have conventionally preferred. Note that it's much different from "settling." The decision was among the most intuitive I've ever made. It never came down to a list of pros and cons. And if you're at that crossroads where that is essentially where you're at, I would at the very least postpone the wedding if you've got a date.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    This... the guy before him was extremely passionate handsome and we just clicked on that level and others. He ended up cheating
    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    I guess I just feel like every guy I have dated ( short term) that has been like that, has ended up being emotionally abusive or cheating. I guess I have this idea in my head that if a man is very passionate he probably is not a good long term partner based on my past.
    Ah, there it is: the little nugget I suspected was there, and was delicately trying to mine with some questions.

    It sounds like, in pain, you swung your pendulum pretty far in the opposite direction—and, now that some of that pain has subsided, you're wondering if maybe you swung a bit too far. Which, ugh, maybe you have. Only you know.

    I admit I'm biting my tongue here a bit, but I'll just say this: At 40, I've seen people commit to relationships with a fundamental missing ingredient—things they alternated between talking about with friends, talking out with partners, and sweeping into back rooms of the brain as Netflix played.

    That missing ingredient is often sexual compatibility, and I've yet to hear a story about two people who were meh on that front for the first 5 years but found it at year 8, though I've heard plenty about people who break up at year 8 for that reason. I've also heard stories of people who have "learned to be okay" with it, but my own value system, which places a high premium on sensuality, can never quite compute those stories as fully honest.

    So, what to do? Maybe just what you're doing. Real, open talks coupled with patience and honest observation—of how you feel. Your spirit will always tell you when you're full or empty. The hardest thing, of course, is learning to listen to it, especially when listening might require hard choices.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Not much to add here except this: none of the men I was with before now were very affectionate... brief cuddles and kisses but that’s about it... the guy I am with now is very affectionate and even though I love it at times it kind of weirds me out because I am not used to it.

    Not everyone has physical touch as their main love language but usually people that do need others that do as well.

  7. #46

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Ah, there it is: the little nugget I suspected was there, and was delicately trying to mine with some questions.

    It sounds like, in pain, you swung your pendulum pretty far in the opposite direction—and, now that some of that pain has subsided, you're wondering if maybe you swung a bit too far. Which, ugh, maybe you have. Only you know.

    I admit I'm biting my tongue here a bit, but I'll just say this: At 40, I've seen people commit to relationships with a fundamental missing ingredient—things they alternated between talking about with friends, talking out with partners, and sweeping into back rooms of the brain as Netflix played.

    That missing ingredient is often sexual compatibility, and I've yet to hear a story about two people who were meh on that front for the first 5 years but found it at year 8, though I've heard plenty about people who break up at year 8 for that reason. I've also heard stories of people who have "learned to be okay" with it, but my own value system, which places a high premium on sensuality, can never quite compute those stories as fully honest.

    So, what to do? Maybe just what you're doing. Real, open talks coupled with patience and honest observation—of how you feel. Your spirit will always tell you when you're full or empty. The hardest thing, of course, is learning to listen to it, especially when listening might require hard choices.
    Bluecastle- you are very observant. I am impressed with how you hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

  8. #47
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    This... the guy before him was extremely passionate handsome and we just clicked on that level and others. He ended up cheating
    That does not mean that guys who are passionate (and handsome) are going to always cheat on you.

    To be honest, from a quick speed read of this thread, I think you may have been hurt by previous relationships, so you went for somebody very much unlike your ex-BFs... but now you are realizing that your fiance lacks the qualities that attracted you to your exes in the first place.

    Whilst I agree with the sentiment that "some people are huggers, some are not", physical intimacy is important, and it is possible that you are ultimately incompatible with your fiance. You focused on the lack of hugs and huddles, but perhaps out of modesty, did not mention bedroom issues until prompted. Collectively though, that is a significant red flag. It is quite possible that your fiance is just never going to be comfortable being the physical partner you need to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, for whatever underlying reasons that he might have.

    For example I love cuddles and kisses, but I am a light sleeper, so for a good night's sleep, I cannot sleep cuddling a partner, sometimes I find having my movement restricted whilst trying to sleep to actually feel suffocating. Some girls do not feel comfortable/safe unless they are wrapped up in somebody's arms, and feel a need to cuddle as they sleep. This seems a minor issue at first, but ultimately it would make us incompatible if it is an important issue for both of us.

  9. #48

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    Originally Posted by maew
    Not much to add here except this: none of the men I was with before now were very affectionate... brief cuddles and kisses but that’s about it... the guy I am with now is very affectionate and even though I love it at times it kind of weirds me out because I am not used to it.

    Not everyone has physical touch as their main love language but usually people that do need others that do as well.
    Did you find that the guys that were not very affectionate, were emotionally unavailable to a certain extent ?

  10. #49
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Not much to add here except this: none of the men I was with before now were very affectionate... brief cuddles and kisses but that’s about it... the guy I am with now is very affectionate and even though I love it at times it kind of weirds me out because I am not used to it.

    Not everyone has physical touch as their main love language but usually people that do need others that do as well.
    I'm just not getting the sense—and correct me if I'm wrong, Nmr—that this is really about "affection" in the cuddle-while-we-cook sense. I think that's the Trojan Horse to speak the unspeakable.

    Brass tacks, if I may: Do you think you'd be thirsty for more hugs and cuddles if you were more satisfied with what went down when the clothes came off?

  11. #50

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm just not getting the sense—and correct me if I'm wrong, Nmr—that this is really about "affection" in the cuddle-while-we-cook sense. I think that's the Trojan Horse to speak the unspeakable.

    Brass tacks, if I may: Do you think you'd be thirsty for more hugs and cuddles if you were more satisfied with what went down when the clothes came off?
    I think that if I were more fulfilled in that sense, I would feel more emotionally connected to him and I would be More willing to accept the amount of physical affection (or lack thereof) outside of the bedroom.

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