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Thread: Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?

  1. #31

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    Can I be so bold to ask... Kissing and hugging aside. Are you happy in bed with him?
    Do you feel you are on the same wavelength? Or does this issue move into the bedroom and always has been same?

  2. #32

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    I talked to him about it the other day. It was a heart to heart and I told him how much I love him and want to marry him but I feel like the physical part is hard for me to accept. I said I understand I am trying to convince you to step out of your comfort zone but I am not trying to change you. Even though in essence, I guess I am. He told me he is trying in that department it just doesnít come naturally. We talked for a while and I saidĒ ok Iíll shut up now ďjokingly and he said ďno, itís good that we are talking about this.Ē So he is open to talk about it. Should I give it a few months and see if there is noticeable change? I donít want to think like this but if it doesnít I donít think I can live my whole life with no passion. I just know this will always be an issue if it doesnít get better. There have been other issues over the years. Nothing drastic -but we have worked on them together and they have improved.

  3. #33
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Was he raised in environment that was not affectionate? My husband was not raised in an affectionate environment where as I was raised by my mother who was intensely affectionate. So it was difficult for us in the beginning.

  4. #34

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    So , he brings some great qualities to the table. Was he raised in an environment that was not very affectionate?
    Yes he was raised where they never spoke about issues and swept them under the rug. They never hugged or had heart to heart conversations. His father would kiss his mother but never hug her and he wasnít there for her emotionally.

    He has never told his mother he loves her in front of me but they have. A great relationship.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    Yes he was raised where they never spoke about issues and swept them under the rug. They never hugged or had heart to heart conversations. His father would kiss his mother but never hug her and he wasnít there for her emotionally.

    He has never told his mother he loves her in front of me but they have. A great relationship.
    Then this is a foreign concept to him like it was to my husband. I would see if he is willing to at least try and work on it .

  7. #36

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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    I talked to him about it the other day. It was a heart to heart and I told him how much I love him and want to marry him but I feel like the physical part is hard for me to accept. I said I understand I am trying to convince you to step out of your comfort zone but I am not trying to change you. Even though in essence, I guess I am. He told me he is trying in that department it just doesnít come naturally. We talked for a while and I saidĒ ok Iíll shut up now ďjokingly and he said ďno, itís good that we are talking about this.Ē So he is open to talk about it. Should I give it a few months and see if there is noticeable change? I donít want to think like this but if it doesnít I donít think I can live my whole life with no passion. I just know this will always be an issue if it doesnít get better. There have been other issues over the years. Nothing drastic -but we have worked on them together and they have improved.

    Well that's super news! Everything you have written above sounds really positive.

    Maybe you need to test the waters and be a bit more affectionate to him in social situs or at home. There's nothing wrong with you being the dominant one. He's clearly working with you and loves you and is open to working together on it, so you don't need to feel insecurity in this. He will probably respect you for it. Helping him out so to speak. Men find it tough to and there is huge pressure on them to take the lead in the sexual side of things.

    When he's cooking dinner or just watching a movie or such, go up and plant a big smooch on him and walk away. Wink at him across the table when you are out with people. Grab his hand when you are out. Walk up to him a shop and casually put your arm around him. Flirt with him. Try to touch him more.

    He sounds tad insecure in his masculinity with you. He needs you to guide him.

    Try it for a month or so and see how he reacts to you.

    BTW: Don't let his past define you as a couple. You are not his therapist. You are the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Possibly the mother of his kids. Avoid getting into and becoming a 'shrink' to him. It's his job to work that stuff out, he's 32 not 15. It's not your role to turn into his mother or councellor.

  8. #37

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    Originally Posted by MurphyB
    Can I be so bold to ask... Kissing and hugging aside. Are you happy in bed with him?
    Do you feel you are on the same wavelength? Or does this issue move into the bedroom and always has been same?
    To be honest not 100%. We donít really ďmake love ď if you will. He doesnít call me beautiful or sexy in bed. Itís almost like he follows my lead a lot. Itís not that it is bad. It just isnít very passionate.

  9. #38

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    Originally Posted by Nmr1983
    To be honest not 100%. We donít really ďmake love ď if you will. He doesnít call me beautiful or sexy in bed. Itís almost like he follows my lead a lot. Itís not that it is bad. It just isnít very passionate.
    Ah God I am sorry to hear that.

    But I am not surprised to hear it based on what you have said.

    Forget about him for a moment.

    What do YOU want in your life as a woman at this age of your life?

    You don't seem very happy missy and possibly realising you are settling for a guy who is 'sweet 'and 'folds your laundry' and is 'nice to you'...

    Is that really what you want? I sense you are quite a passionate person. With a lot to give.



    BTW am not trying to be facetious but you can:

    A: play a cleaner to do the laundry.
    B: I imagine a lot of your friends have already told you are sweet and a really good, kind and nice person and listen to you.

    But if the sex life and passion isn't matching up, you will set both of yourselves up for a lot of heartbreak :(

  10. #39
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    I'm very much getting the same sense as Murphy. I remain curious about your pre-him experiences in romanceóif there were instances where the passion meter was high but other needed meters were neglected.

    It's so hard, and I feel for you. He's a great guy, you love him, have a lot pinned on him right now. Not saying this is the moment to crumple all that up and toss it away, but it is a moment to be honest about what you want from romantic partnership, and honest with yourself about whether you're trying to excavate something here that is not there to be excavated.

  11. #40

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    Originally Posted by MurphyB
    Ah God I am sorry to hear that.

    But I am not surprised to hear it based on what you have said.

    Forget about him for a moment.

    What do YOU want in your life as a woman at this age of your life?

    You don't seem very happy missy and possibly realising you are settling for a guy who is 'sweet 'and 'folds your laundry' and is 'nice to you'...

    Is that really what you want? I sense you are quite a passionate person. With a lot to give.



    BTW am not trying to be facetious but you can:

    A: play a cleaner to do the laundry.
    B: I imagine a lot of your friends have already told you are sweet and a really good, kind and nice person.
    LOL to the laundry thing.... i like someone who can take the lead and be more assertive. Nothing to crazy. I guess I just feel like every guy I have dated ( short term) that has been like that, has ended up being emotionally abusive or cheating. I guess I have this idea in my head that if a man is very passionate he probably is not a good long term partner based on my past.

    I want to be able to have those intimate moments that make you closer. Retire and walk on a beach holding hands and always keeping the spark. That kind of stuff . I was never the type of person that had a goal to get married. I always worried what if we end up being bored together .Thatís another issue though for another post! Iím just a firm believe in always keeping it alive and keeping that depth or it will just die. He is ok with how things are and i donít want to take away all the good he does.

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