Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: Sit down with your favorite beverage and read...

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10

    Sit down with your favorite beverage and read...

    As I write this to you, Iím listening to so ambient trance music, pouring out my emotions in these wordsÖI need to do this to cope with the loss.

    I know this place, Iíve been here before, the pain, the anger, the sadness. How did I get here? Was it my fault? Does it matter?

    Iíve been pondering these thoughts for the past week. This isnít my first rodeo, and I know what I need to do, but itís still torture. Our relationship was good, but like any relationship we did have arguments. We met almost a year ago and from day one we had a good connection. I can be sarcastic, and she wasnít afraid to give it back. We laughed, we enjoyed much of the same things, and she loved my nerdy side. Anytime we hit a rough spot she became enclosed, even for things I thought were trivial. When we finally sat down to talk about what was going on she opened up to me. Her ex, the father of her children treated her like a shadow, unappreciated, invisible, and would offer other people compliments, but never her. This weighed on her, and stuck with her. After she caught him cheating they broke up and she seeked counselling to understand what had transpired in the last 10 years.

    Prior to me she dated here and there, with the last guy being a full on manipulative narcissist. She was on and off with him before she saw the signs of what he was doing and they broke up. She explained all of this to me so I could understand her behavior of ďflightĒ when we were in an argument. She didnít want to go through any of that again, and any sign she would run. I became cognisant of this fact and would keep it in the back of my mind, since prior to her telling me what she dealt with I would make a joke an not realise the implications it may have because of what she went through.

    As our relationship progressed I also opened up to her so she could understand my nuances. Iím not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I can put my ego aside and acknowledge when I up and apologize. We did argue from time to time, but I would make amends. Any good relationship needs communication, but I kept a dark secret from her. I knew what made her tick, but I held out on her and didnít tell what made me tick. I knew that telling her my secrets would shed light on certain things. My gf had 2 kids with her ex. When they separated they split the custody 50/50 and they rarely communicate, only to schedule how they drop off and pick up the kids. I also have a son with my ex, but our dynamic is very different, and this is where much of our breakup stems from. My ex and I basically co-parent and I explained this to her but I never explained why. My ex basically has full custody, not because Iím a bad parent, but because my son, at this point in time, needs stability without the constant bouncing back an forth between 2 parents. When I have my days with my son I go to my exís place and she usually leaves to go and run errands or takes time for herself to do whatever.

    My gf didnít quite understand why I had this arrangement, so when I was ready I told her. My son was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. When my son was 3 years old he got sick and almost died. One winter my son was fevered, so my ex called me and I rushed over and we drove him to the hospital. As he was in the car seat he would make a whining sound and his breath was shallow. As we waited in line in the emergency room the nurse came to triage him. I was holding him while he was struggling to breath, and as the nurse put the stethoscope on his back to listen to his heartbeat, she stopped, took a step back, and ripped my son from my arms and rushed him into the emergency room. They called a cold ďblueĒ and several doctors surrounded him. As they put a breathing tube down his throat and attached electrodes to monitor him he seized. I felt so ing helplessÖ

    PAUSE
    While writing this I came to tears and had to stop several times. My son is better now, but that memory has left me scarred. He will always be my number 1 priority over all else. Every child should be.
    Continuing with the storyÖ

    He survived, but both my ex and I came out of this with an understanding. Even though we may not get along, our son comes first! I sometimes visit him even when unscheduled if my ex invites me to see him, or if they are running errands and she wants me to watch him, Iíll tag along and keep him entertained while she does her thing. I explained all of this to my gf, but went into more detail then just these words Iím writing. Itís all about him, not my ex. My ex and I just tolerate each other. Even though I explained everything I knew this still bothered my gf. She asked did you ever sleep with your ex, and I answered truthfully and with transparency, YES. It was an isolated incident way before I met my gf, and one that both my ex and I acknowledged that will never happen again.

    I wasnít afraid to be truthful with my gf. I wanted her to trust me. She thanked me for telling her, and she now understood why my ex and I have our arrangement for our son. This conversation took place a few months ago. She said it explained a lot and was happy to be out of the dark about my situation. About 2 months ago we got into an argument and she was ready to break up with me. It was surrounding my ex, but she quickly began to text and call me to sort it out. As she works nearby me, we met up and went for a walk to talk. She told me her points of contention and I did the same. It was a fight, but not really, kind of laughed at some points. We settled everything and I walked her back to work. I told her that when things get tough and we argue she canít just leave and want to run, relationships donít work that way. I walked her back to her building and I leaned in and put my arm around her waist and pulled her towards me. I whispered in her ear, ďHow many times have we argued and I was ready to give up or run?Ē She responded ďNone.Ē I said, exactly, and donít ever forget it!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,681
    I am sorry you are hurting. I think that it's understandable that she cannot deal with your arrangement with your ex and your family. She isn't obligated to "get it" or be ok with it - this is not her child, you and your ex are not family, she is her own person. Could someone else deal with it just fine? Of course! I understand that you and your ex do not intend to ever have a sexual relationship and of course when you slept with her you were not cheating in the least. But your ex girlfriend cannot handle knowing the "what if" -what if on one of those loosey-goosey nights where you're hanging out "for your son" the mood is right, the lighting is right and the spark resurfaces -she is the mother of your child, she has full custody, she has the power -who knows how that could affect you too -and even though you don't intend to cheat, well, when you're alone in that situation it's a bit of playing with fire.

    Again, some would be totally fine with this, some would still live with their exes and therefore be fine with your arrangement -no judgment here. But she is not.

    Many years ago I dated someone who told me on the first date that his ex girlfriend was pregnant and due soon. He gave me an out, which I did not take. About 6 weeks later the baby was born. After that he started spending nights sleeping over to help her with the newborn (because you know newborns often are up every few hours). Totally understandable but once the baby was born, once he was spending nights there, I was done. Neither of us was wrong I just wasn't ok with the whole situation so I ended things after dating about three months.

    I also am glad your girlfriend was honest with you about her ex and often there are two sides to a story. One of those sides is that she chose to stay with him so perhaps partly she benefited from being with someone who behaved that way (and I'm not sure if her ex was formally diagnosed as a narcissist or otherwise -to me that does matter).

    Again I am sorry this relationship isn't working as you would wish and I wish you the best.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I am sorry you are hurting. I think that it's understandable that she cannot deal with your arrangement with your ex and your family. She isn't obligated to "get it" or be ok with it - this is not her child, you and your ex are not family, she is her own person. Could someone else deal with it just fine? Of course! I understand that you and your ex do not intend to ever have a sexual relationship and of course when you slept with her you were not cheating in the least. But your ex girlfriend cannot handle knowing the "what if" -what if on one of those loosey-goosey nights where you're hanging out "for your son" the mood is right, the lighting is right and the spark resurfaces -she is the mother of your child, she has full custody, she has the power -who knows how that could affect you too -and even though you don't intend to cheat, well, when you're alone in that situation it's a bit of playing with fire.

    Again, some would be totally fine with this, some would still live with their exes and therefore be fine with your arrangement -no judgment here. But she is not.

    Many years ago I dated someone who told me on the first date that his ex girlfriend was pregnant and due soon. He gave me an out, which I did not take. About 6 weeks later the baby was born. After that he started spending nights sleeping over to help her with the newborn (because you know newborns often are up every few hours). Totally understandable but once the baby was born, once he was spending nights there, I was done. Neither of us was wrong I just wasn't ok with the whole situation so I ended things after dating about three months.

    I also am glad your girlfriend was honest with you about her ex and often there are two sides to a story. One of those sides is that she chose to stay with him so perhaps partly she benefited from being with someone who behaved that way (and I'm not sure if her ex was formally diagnosed as a narcissist or otherwise -to me that does matter).

    Again I am sorry this relationship isn't working as you would wish and I wish you the best.
    Not done with the story just yet, but regardless your words sum it up!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,681
    Originally Posted by THE SPARTAN
    Not done with the story just yet, but regardless your words sum it up!
    Oh I do understand that part -honestly I wasn't quite sure if it was "done" or not but my input I think still applies.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,489
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately, your gf doesn't seem up to the task of dealing with your son and your ex. Someone more understanding may be worth searching for, even though you may have to be more upfront about why there needs to be such tight co-parenting in the case of a chronically ill child. Skip the part about sleeping with your ex next time..

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,346
    Gender
    Female
    I read it twice. You had a stumble or two and now everything is o.k.
    Advice?
    But the story isn't over yet . . .

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,685
    Gender
    Female
    Third paragraph... relationship is referred to in the past tense. I think it's over. Just waiting for the rest of the story like everyone else.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    QUICK NOTE:
    I need to stress that my son may have a genetic disorder, but he is happy boy, and most of the time leads a normal life.


    As we moved forward things were good. We would go out, or sometimes just hang out at her place. I found myself spending more and more time at her house. The days when I went to see my son I would stay until he would fall asleep then make my way over to my gfís place. I introduced her to many of my friends who liked her, and I met her friends as well. Her friends gave her the thumbs up on me which was very important to me. Midsummer she had a party at her parents place with all of her friends and their kids, and her kids were going to be there as well. This was huge! I never met her kids or parents and never pushed for it. This endeavor was extremely important for both of us. She invited me to come but I was apprehensive. Itís not that I didnít want to go, but it would have been a lot to take in all at once. I could also tell that she was stressed over this. Since her ex she had never introduced anyone to either her parents or kids for that matter. As the day of the party drew closer I told her maybe this wasnít the right time to meet everyone. We both agreed that we would wait for another time. My gfís ex had moved on and was living with, coincidentally, the girl she cheated with. Her kids met the new girl and seemed to like her. When my gf told her kids that she was dating someone they were, to put it mildly, sad. They were afraid that their mom was going to be taken away from them. She asked her kids if they wanted to meet me, and her daughter started to cry while her son said NO.

    When my gf told me this it was kind of sad but she said it would take time. I was ok with this. Not once did I ever bring this up or push for a meeting. Over the next month she would talk more and more about to get her kids used to me. One day she had her kids and she text me to meet them. I called her and we talked about it. I needed to make sure she was 100% on this. She responded YES, we needed to rip the band aid off and get it over with, sort to speak. We decided to go for a hike instead of doing something seated somewhere. I showed up first at a public path that was really nice and serene. While waiting in the parking lot she finally arrived and pulled in. The kids got out of the car and I walked over to them and my gf. She introduced me and we shook hands. We went on our little walk and the kids asked me a whole bunch of questions like kids do. It was a short path and the kids didnít want to leave, they kept wanting to do the path over, and over so we did. The kids climbed a tree and I told them a story how my gf tried doing the same thing but didnít want to come down. They laughed, and wanted me to tell them more stories about their mom. I even helped the daughter get out of the tree and we kept on walking. We were together for a couple of hours and it was getting late. We walked back to the parking lot and I said it was nice to meet them and hoped to see them again. My gf smiled.

    Everything was going great! We attended several functions together and even when we just chilled out we always had fun. Her kids birthday was fast approaching in September and she was having a big party with all of her friends, their kids that was going to be at her parents house again. I showed up at the party with a bottle of wine for the parents and gifts for the kids. The parents thanked me and we talked a bit, but since it was a party was at their place, they had some hosting to do. More of her friends and their kids showed up, several who I never met. I mingled and talked with everyone. It was a good time. I even met my gfís brother and got to know everyone. When it came time to open the gifts everyone huddled around in the living room. Her daughter was opening gifts, and then she got my package. She opened it and it was make your own lip balm and hair coloring for kids. She loved it! She asked who was it from and my gf said from me. She came over to me, jumped into my arms and wrapped herself around me. I was taken back as I wasnít expecting this. I canít tell you how important this was to me, and how it made me feel. Her son also liked his gift, but being a boy obviously he didnít have the same reaction, but was appreciative none the less.

    Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. My son had an important appointment that was out of town. He had to stay in a hospital for 5 days in a room while doctors ran a battery of test on him. Only one parent was allowed to be onsite so I could not go, and this was stressing me out. Something I had never told my gf is that sometimes I feel like Iím not doing enough as a father, and from time to time I get anxiety over it. This is in part due to my ex who, letís just say, isnít always nice to me, and says mean spirited and hurtful words. Although we had been broken up for about 5 years, now and then she will say something out of bitterness to me. This was compounded when I told my ex I was dating someone. This is something I never did before because all other girls I dated were not going to last. This time it was different. I saw a future with my gf and the time had come to tell my ex, especially if at some point I wanted to introduce her to my son. I know deep down my ex probably wishes things were different, and although she has moved on she still views me as a source of pain, hence the jabs she takes from time to time.

    I told my gf about my sons upcoming appointment and I felt I needed to be there even tough I couldnít. I told her I would probably see him before he left over the upcoming weekend. She understood. A couple of weekends ago her friend was hosting a wine and cheese party and she said I could invite friends if I wanted. I brought a buddy of mine and we all drove their together along with one of her close friends. The party was great, again super fun time. We spent the whole weekend together and everything was great. The party was on Friday, and Saturday we just hung out and went to see the Joker movie. It had been a while since we watched a movie together. Mid movie she squeezed my hand and I looked over at her, she smiled and leaned into me for a kiss. Itís these small moments that I never take for granted and stick with me. On the drive home she invited me for thanksgiving dinner with her family. This would be the first holiday for us together, and if I said yes, the first holiday that I wouldnít see my son. All of my family live far away or overseas, so my ex would invite me for holidays to share with my son. I told my gf that this was all new to me and that I just wanted to talk to my ex about this. She said ok and we went to bed. Sunday morning we woke up and she asked if I was going to see my son as he was leaving the following day. I said I would text my ex to find out when I would see him.

    I text my ex ďgood morning, when can I see our son.Ē She texted back with a ď?Ē mark and then asked why I waited so long, but it was only a couple of days since we discussed that I would see him. Right then and there I could tell she was in one of her moods. Next thing you know my phone is ringing. Again, I was about to do something I never did with any other girl I dated and that was answer the phone. This was huge for me as I didnít want to my gf to feel like I was hiding anything. I answered the phone and I can tell my ex was already angry looking to pick a fight. To make a long story short, my ex and I never picked a time, only the day when I would see him before they left. My ex then asked if I was home, and I responded no. She knew I was with my gf. She then began to scream at me with nonsense about how I donít care about my son and that I was a bad father. I remained calm I said I would be over shortly to see him. We got off the phone. My gf turned to me and said; ďI heard that, and I wish I hadnít. I feel bad for you.Ē Her words in some ways put me at ease. I thought now she would understand that my ex and I would never be together again. I felt she now understood how things were and that she had my back.

    I left to go see my son, and told my gf I would be back later in the afternoon when I was done visiting with my son. I went on with my day spending quality time with my son. Later in the afternoon I texted my gf and told her I was on my way over. We laid on the couch and watched a few shows, and she complained about how her stomach was sore. I made her a tea before retiring to bed. I could feel something was off though. Monday morning, I woke up and got ready for work. Before leaving I walked into her room, got on the bed and kissed her while she lay sleeping. During the day we text a couple of times, and on the drive home I called her but she didnít answer. I got home and saw a text from her saying she was busy at the time. I texted back saying I was headed to the gym and would call her when I got home. She texted back ďif you want to.Ē Now I know something was amiss. I went to the gym called her as soon as I got home. When I asked about her day and such she gave me one word answers. I finally asked what was wrong she remained silent. I asked did this have to do with Sundayís morning conversation with my ex, and she replied ďyes.Ē

    We began to talk and she started on saying how she felt my current situation seemed chaotic with no structure. Her words threw me off as it came out of left field. She then brought up how I would still do things with my ex and that we still acted a as a family. I explained to her again everything about why things are the way they are, and how they would change when my son gets older, but for now it is what it is. She brought up how I would go shopping or the park with my ex at times when Iím not scheduled to see my son. I explained that this shouldnít be an issue for her. Why would I give up and opportunity to see my son just because my ex is there!? During those times my ex takes advantage of doing her own thing while Iím watching our son. I explained again itís all about my son and she needed to understand that. She began to compare her situation and how she could have been like my ex and spiteful in her situation but wasnít, and that my ex still has feelings for me. She told me how her and her ex only communicate via text or email. She said she understood that my son was sick, and that she understand because she had her kids, and I stopped herÖĒNo you donít! Itís not the same as your situation!Ē She mentioned something else, and then I felt myself getting angry. Itís a combination of a trust issue, and also her passed experiences dealing with her ex and other losers she dated. I made a mistake and brought up one of her guy friends whom I believe likes her and wanted to go for a drink wither her, but I trust her enough to do whatever she wants to do, but itís at this point I knew things were really getting off the rails. I stopped myself from getting into further hole. I calmed down, and asked what are you saying? She responded I think I need some time to think. I paused and calmly said ok. I told her I donít know what else to say right now. Weather I could have done things, or said things differently is debateable, but I would give her space if thatís what she wanted. We got off the phone.

    At that moment I couldnítí feel anything. I was in shock. I couldnít sleep that night with a thousand thoughts running through my head. I didnít need this right now. My son was on route to the hospital and I couldnít be with himÖmy ex said words to me about being a father that weighed heavily on meÖand now my gf wanted time to think. I couldnít sleep that night at all. The next morning I went to work and received a text from my gf. ďAre you still mad.Ē I responded ďNo, not at all.Ē At this point I wasnít sure what to feel anymore. She then texted ďIíll be thinking of you and your son.Ē I responded thanks and got ready for a meeting at work. Later that evening my ex messaged me to tell me they arrived and that my son was happy. I had another sleepless night but I needed to keep it together and remain focused.

    The next day I decided to work from home, and my ex sent me a pic of our son in the AM. He had electrodes all over him and he looked so sad. I was crushed. Even though I knew I couldnít attend I felt a burden of guilt. But I needed to think positively, I needed to be strong for him, I needed to endure. Around noon I was on a conference call when I get a long text from my gfÖ.

    ďI dropped off your stuff for you. I think everything is there, but if something is missing let me know. The watch you gave me is there too, you should have it back, I donít feel right keeping it. I know youíre ok, but this wasnít easy for me. I let you completely into my life, heart, and soul. I didnít think I would be able to do that again. I wish things could have been different but I know this arrangement as it is wonít work for me and itís not fair to either of us if I keep trying but stay resentful. I wish nothing but good things for you and your little boy. I would have liked to meet him. Something tells me heís a lot like you.Ē

    I put my meeting on mute, got up and walked to the front door and opened it. There was a bag with the stuff that had accumulated at her house. I picked it up and brought it inside and placed it in the living room. I couldnít believe she just did what she didÖI had a rush of different emotions, anger sadness, indifference. To much was happening at once, and I had to repress all of my feelings. I wasnít ready to deal with anything. That night I went to the gym and began on the punching bag. I began to think about the days events. I could slowly start feeling anger creep up on me. Why did my ex have to be spiteful and hurtful towards me, why did my son have to go through this, why was the girl who I loved dump me over text with no real discussion, she was supposed to have my back and be supportive during my time of need! I started breathing heavier, my hits to the bag became harder, I was running out of breath. YOU, I told myself. I kept hitting, harder, harder, HARDER, until I finally almost collapsed. I leaned against a bench panting for air. I let the anger and rage consume me, envelope me. I needed it. I use it as my shield from the pain, the sadness, the loneliness that would surely come. I didnít want to feel these emotions but I know they will have to run their course.

    This happened exactly 1 week ago to the day. Right now Iím doing all I can to keep my emotions in check. Iíve stayed off social media. I donít need to see her in any form. I tried hiding this from my friends but they know me to well to know when something is up. I told them the story and they are angry for me, but I told them not to be. My friends that met her donít doubt that she will reach out to me but I donít hold onto this. For now I remain a soldier and have been in no contact since her last text. IF, and when she does reach out Iíll deal with it accordingly. I have work to do, and a punching bag to hitÖ

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,346
    Gender
    Female
    As I read this looong accounting of what transpired, I can't help but wonder if the gf had a voice in this, what would that sound like?

    But we have the benefit of your story and that's all I have to work with. I just a nagging feeling that there is something I'm missing.

    Is it that simple? She didn't want to be entangled in your arrangement. As much as it works for you, it apparently doesn't for her.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    As I read this looong accounting of what transpired, I can't help but wonder if the gf had a voice in this, what would that sound like?

    But we have the benefit of your story and that's all I have to work with. I just a nagging feeling that there is something I'm missing.

    Is it that simple? She didn't want to be entangled in your arrangement. As much as it works for you, it apparently doesn't for her.
    I don't think in relationships anything is ever simple, and there is always the other side for sure, but lets face it no relationship is perfect. I'm not without my idiosyncrasies, but I know I made her happy. I highlighted much of the important details that were part of this story...Like your motto says, "It is, what it is."
    Last edited by THE SPARTAN; 10-16-2019 at 08:27 PM.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •