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THE SPARTAN

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As I write this to you, I’m listening to so ambient trance music, pouring out my emotions in these words…I need to do this to cope with the loss.

 

I know this place, I’ve been here before, the pain, the anger, the sadness. How did I get here? Was it my fault? Does it matter?

 

I’ve been pondering these thoughts for the past week. This isn’t my first rodeo, and I know what I need to do, but it’s still torture. Our relationship was good, but like any relationship we did have arguments. We met almost a year ago and from day one we had a good connection. I can be sarcastic, and she wasn’t afraid to give it back. We laughed, we enjoyed much of the same things, and she loved my nerdy side. Anytime we hit a rough spot she became enclosed, even for things I thought were trivial. When we finally sat down to talk about what was going on she opened up to me. Her ex, the father of her children treated her like a shadow, unappreciated, invisible, and would offer other people compliments, but never her. This weighed on her, and stuck with her. After she caught him cheating they broke up and she seeked counselling to understand what had transpired in the last 10 years.

 

Prior to me she dated here and there, with the last guy being a full on manipulative narcissist. She was on and off with him before she saw the signs of what he was doing and they broke up. She explained all of this to me so I could understand her behavior of “flight” when we were in an argument. She didn’t want to go through any of that again, and any sign she would run. I became cognisant of this fact and would keep it in the back of my mind, since prior to her telling me what she dealt with I would make a joke an not realise the implications it may have because of what she went through.

 

As our relationship progressed I also opened up to her so she could understand my nuances. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I can put my ego aside and acknowledge when I up and apologize. We did argue from time to time, but I would make amends. Any good relationship needs communication, but I kept a dark secret from her. I knew what made her tick, but I held out on her and didn’t tell what made me tick. I knew that telling her my secrets would shed light on certain things. My gf had 2 kids with her ex. When they separated they split the custody 50/50 and they rarely communicate, only to schedule how they drop off and pick up the kids. I also have a son with my ex, but our dynamic is very different, and this is where much of our breakup stems from. My ex and I basically co-parent and I explained this to her but I never explained why. My ex basically has full custody, not because I’m a bad parent, but because my son, at this point in time, needs stability without the constant bouncing back an forth between 2 parents. When I have my days with my son I go to my ex’s place and she usually leaves to go and run errands or takes time for herself to do whatever.

 

My gf didn’t quite understand why I had this arrangement, so when I was ready I told her. My son was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. When my son was 3 years old he got sick and almost died. One winter my son was fevered, so my ex called me and I rushed over and we drove him to the hospital. As he was in the car seat he would make a whining sound and his breath was shallow. As we waited in line in the emergency room the nurse came to triage him. I was holding him while he was struggling to breath, and as the nurse put the stethoscope on his back to listen to his heartbeat, she stopped, took a step back, and ripped my son from my arms and rushed him into the emergency room. They called a cold “blue” and several doctors surrounded him. As they put a breathing tube down his throat and attached electrodes to monitor him he seized. I felt so ing helpless…

 

PAUSE

While writing this I came to tears and had to stop several times. My son is better now, but that memory has left me scarred. He will always be my number 1 priority over all else. Every child should be.

Continuing with the story…

 

He survived, but both my ex and I came out of this with an understanding. Even though we may not get along, our son comes first! I sometimes visit him even when unscheduled if my ex invites me to see him, or if they are running errands and she wants me to watch him, I’ll tag along and keep him entertained while she does her thing. I explained all of this to my gf, but went into more detail then just these words I’m writing. It’s all about him, not my ex. My ex and I just tolerate each other. Even though I explained everything I knew this still bothered my gf. She asked did you ever sleep with your ex, and I answered truthfully and with transparency, YES. It was an isolated incident way before I met my gf, and one that both my ex and I acknowledged that will never happen again.

 

I wasn’t afraid to be truthful with my gf. I wanted her to trust me. She thanked me for telling her, and she now understood why my ex and I have our arrangement for our son. This conversation took place a few months ago. She said it explained a lot and was happy to be out of the dark about my situation. About 2 months ago we got into an argument and she was ready to break up with me. It was surrounding my ex, but she quickly began to text and call me to sort it out. As she works nearby me, we met up and went for a walk to talk. She told me her points of contention and I did the same. It was a fight, but not really, kind of laughed at some points. We settled everything and I walked her back to work. I told her that when things get tough and we argue she can’t just leave and want to run, relationships don’t work that way. I walked her back to her building and I leaned in and put my arm around her waist and pulled her towards me. I whispered in her ear, “How many times have we argued and I was ready to give up or run?” She responded “None.” I said, exactly, and don’t ever forget it!

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I am sorry you are hurting. I think that it's understandable that she cannot deal with your arrangement with your ex and your family. She isn't obligated to "get it" or be ok with it - this is not her child, you and your ex are not family, she is her own person. Could someone else deal with it just fine? Of course! I understand that you and your ex do not intend to ever have a sexual relationship and of course when you slept with her you were not cheating in the least. But your ex girlfriend cannot handle knowing the "what if" -what if on one of those loosey-goosey nights where you're hanging out "for your son" the mood is right, the lighting is right and the spark resurfaces -she is the mother of your child, she has full custody, she has the power -who knows how that could affect you too -and even though you don't intend to cheat, well, when you're alone in that situation it's a bit of playing with fire.

 

Again, some would be totally fine with this, some would still live with their exes and therefore be fine with your arrangement -no judgment here. But she is not.

 

Many years ago I dated someone who told me on the first date that his ex girlfriend was pregnant and due soon. He gave me an out, which I did not take. About 6 weeks later the baby was born. After that he started spending nights sleeping over to help her with the newborn (because you know newborns often are up every few hours). Totally understandable but once the baby was born, once he was spending nights there, I was done. Neither of us was wrong I just wasn't ok with the whole situation so I ended things after dating about three months.

 

I also am glad your girlfriend was honest with you about her ex and often there are two sides to a story. One of those sides is that she chose to stay with him so perhaps partly she benefited from being with someone who behaved that way (and I'm not sure if her ex was formally diagnosed as a narcissist or otherwise -to me that does matter).

 

Again I am sorry this relationship isn't working as you would wish and I wish you the best.

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I am sorry you are hurting. I think that it's understandable that she cannot deal with your arrangement with your ex and your family. She isn't obligated to "get it" or be ok with it - this is not her child, you and your ex are not family, she is her own person. Could someone else deal with it just fine? Of course! I understand that you and your ex do not intend to ever have a sexual relationship and of course when you slept with her you were not cheating in the least. But your ex girlfriend cannot handle knowing the "what if" -what if on one of those loosey-goosey nights where you're hanging out "for your son" the mood is right, the lighting is right and the spark resurfaces -she is the mother of your child, she has full custody, she has the power -who knows how that could affect you too -and even though you don't intend to cheat, well, when you're alone in that situation it's a bit of playing with fire.

 

Again, some would be totally fine with this, some would still live with their exes and therefore be fine with your arrangement -no judgment here. But she is not.

 

Many years ago I dated someone who told me on the first date that his ex girlfriend was pregnant and due soon. He gave me an out, which I did not take. About 6 weeks later the baby was born. After that he started spending nights sleeping over to help her with the newborn (because you know newborns often are up every few hours). Totally understandable but once the baby was born, once he was spending nights there, I was done. Neither of us was wrong I just wasn't ok with the whole situation so I ended things after dating about three months.

 

I also am glad your girlfriend was honest with you about her ex and often there are two sides to a story. One of those sides is that she chose to stay with him so perhaps partly she benefited from being with someone who behaved that way (and I'm not sure if her ex was formally diagnosed as a narcissist or otherwise -to me that does matter).

 

Again I am sorry this relationship isn't working as you would wish and I wish you the best.

 

Not done with the story just yet, but regardless your words sum it up!

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Unfortunately, your gf doesn't seem up to the task of dealing with your son and your ex. Someone more understanding may be worth searching for, even though you may have to be more upfront about why there needs to be such tight co-parenting in the case of a chronically ill child. Skip the part about sleeping with your ex next time..

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QUICK NOTE:

I need to stress that my son may have a genetic disorder, but he is happy boy, and most of the time leads a normal life.

 

As we moved forward things were good. We would go out, or sometimes just hang out at her place. I found myself spending more and more time at her house. The days when I went to see my son I would stay until he would fall asleep then make my way over to my gf’s place. I introduced her to many of my friends who liked her, and I met her friends as well. Her friends gave her the thumbs up on me which was very important to me. Midsummer she had a party at her parents place with all of her friends and their kids, and her kids were going to be there as well. This was huge! I never met her kids or parents and never pushed for it. This endeavor was extremely important for both of us. She invited me to come but I was apprehensive. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, but it would have been a lot to take in all at once. I could also tell that she was stressed over this. Since her ex she had never introduced anyone to either her parents or kids for that matter. As the day of the party drew closer I told her maybe this wasn’t the right time to meet everyone. We both agreed that we would wait for another time. My gf’s ex had moved on and was living with, coincidentally, the girl she cheated with. Her kids met the new girl and seemed to like her. When my gf told her kids that she was dating someone they were, to put it mildly, sad. They were afraid that their mom was going to be taken away from them. She asked her kids if they wanted to meet me, and her daughter started to cry while her son said NO.

 

When my gf told me this it was kind of sad but she said it would take time. I was ok with this. Not once did I ever bring this up or push for a meeting. Over the next month she would talk more and more about to get her kids used to me. One day she had her kids and she text me to meet them. I called her and we talked about it. I needed to make sure she was 100% on this. She responded YES, we needed to rip the band aid off and get it over with, sort to speak. We decided to go for a hike instead of doing something seated somewhere. I showed up first at a public path that was really nice and serene. While waiting in the parking lot she finally arrived and pulled in. The kids got out of the car and I walked over to them and my gf. She introduced me and we shook hands. We went on our little walk and the kids asked me a whole bunch of questions like kids do. It was a short path and the kids didn’t want to leave, they kept wanting to do the path over, and over so we did. The kids climbed a tree and I told them a story how my gf tried doing the same thing but didn’t want to come down. They laughed, and wanted me to tell them more stories about their mom. I even helped the daughter get out of the tree and we kept on walking. We were together for a couple of hours and it was getting late. We walked back to the parking lot and I said it was nice to meet them and hoped to see them again. My gf smiled.

 

Everything was going great! We attended several functions together and even when we just chilled out we always had fun. Her kids birthday was fast approaching in September and she was having a big party with all of her friends, their kids that was going to be at her parents house again. I showed up at the party with a bottle of wine for the parents and gifts for the kids. The parents thanked me and we talked a bit, but since it was a party was at their place, they had some hosting to do. More of her friends and their kids showed up, several who I never met. I mingled and talked with everyone. It was a good time. I even met my gf’s brother and got to know everyone. When it came time to open the gifts everyone huddled around in the living room. Her daughter was opening gifts, and then she got my package. She opened it and it was make your own lip balm and hair coloring for kids. She loved it! She asked who was it from and my gf said from me. She came over to me, jumped into my arms and wrapped herself around me. I was taken back as I wasn’t expecting this. I can’t tell you how important this was to me, and how it made me feel. Her son also liked his gift, but being a boy obviously he didn’t have the same reaction, but was appreciative none the less.

 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. My son had an important appointment that was out of town. He had to stay in a hospital for 5 days in a room while doctors ran a battery of test on him. Only one parent was allowed to be onsite so I could not go, and this was stressing me out. Something I had never told my gf is that sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough as a father, and from time to time I get anxiety over it. This is in part due to my ex who, let’s just say, isn’t always nice to me, and says mean spirited and hurtful words. Although we had been broken up for about 5 years, now and then she will say something out of bitterness to me. This was compounded when I told my ex I was dating someone. This is something I never did before because all other girls I dated were not going to last. This time it was different. I saw a future with my gf and the time had come to tell my ex, especially if at some point I wanted to introduce her to my son. I know deep down my ex probably wishes things were different, and although she has moved on she still views me as a source of pain, hence the jabs she takes from time to time.

 

I told my gf about my sons upcoming appointment and I felt I needed to be there even tough I couldn’t. I told her I would probably see him before he left over the upcoming weekend. She understood. A couple of weekends ago her friend was hosting a wine and cheese party and she said I could invite friends if I wanted. I brought a buddy of mine and we all drove their together along with one of her close friends. The party was great, again super fun time. We spent the whole weekend together and everything was great. The party was on Friday, and Saturday we just hung out and went to see the Joker movie. It had been a while since we watched a movie together. Mid movie she squeezed my hand and I looked over at her, she smiled and leaned into me for a kiss. It’s these small moments that I never take for granted and stick with me. On the drive home she invited me for thanksgiving dinner with her family. This would be the first holiday for us together, and if I said yes, the first holiday that I wouldn’t see my son. All of my family live far away or overseas, so my ex would invite me for holidays to share with my son. I told my gf that this was all new to me and that I just wanted to talk to my ex about this. She said ok and we went to bed. Sunday morning we woke up and she asked if I was going to see my son as he was leaving the following day. I said I would text my ex to find out when I would see him.

 

I text my ex “good morning, when can I see our son.” She texted back with a “?” mark and then asked why I waited so long, but it was only a couple of days since we discussed that I would see him. Right then and there I could tell she was in one of her moods. Next thing you know my phone is ringing. Again, I was about to do something I never did with any other girl I dated and that was answer the phone. This was huge for me as I didn’t want to my gf to feel like I was hiding anything. I answered the phone and I can tell my ex was already angry looking to pick a fight. To make a long story short, my ex and I never picked a time, only the day when I would see him before they left. My ex then asked if I was home, and I responded no. She knew I was with my gf. She then began to scream at me with nonsense about how I don’t care about my son and that I was a bad father. I remained calm I said I would be over shortly to see him. We got off the phone. My gf turned to me and said; “I heard that, and I wish I hadn’t. I feel bad for you.” Her words in some ways put me at ease. I thought now she would understand that my ex and I would never be together again. I felt she now understood how things were and that she had my back.

 

I left to go see my son, and told my gf I would be back later in the afternoon when I was done visiting with my son. I went on with my day spending quality time with my son. Later in the afternoon I texted my gf and told her I was on my way over. We laid on the couch and watched a few shows, and she complained about how her stomach was sore. I made her a tea before retiring to bed. I could feel something was off though. Monday morning, I woke up and got ready for work. Before leaving I walked into her room, got on the bed and kissed her while she lay sleeping. During the day we text a couple of times, and on the drive home I called her but she didn’t answer. I got home and saw a text from her saying she was busy at the time. I texted back saying I was headed to the gym and would call her when I got home. She texted back “if you want to.” Now I know something was amiss. I went to the gym called her as soon as I got home. When I asked about her day and such she gave me one word answers. I finally asked what was wrong she remained silent. I asked did this have to do with Sunday’s morning conversation with my ex, and she replied “yes.”

 

We began to talk and she started on saying how she felt my current situation seemed chaotic with no structure. Her words threw me off as it came out of left field. She then brought up how I would still do things with my ex and that we still acted a as a family. I explained to her again everything about why things are the way they are, and how they would change when my son gets older, but for now it is what it is. She brought up how I would go shopping or the park with my ex at times when I’m not scheduled to see my son. I explained that this shouldn’t be an issue for her. Why would I give up and opportunity to see my son just because my ex is there!? During those times my ex takes advantage of doing her own thing while I’m watching our son. I explained again it’s all about my son and she needed to understand that. She began to compare her situation and how she could have been like my ex and spiteful in her situation but wasn’t, and that my ex still has feelings for me. She told me how her and her ex only communicate via text or email. She said she understood that my son was sick, and that she understand because she had her kids, and I stopped her…”No you don’t! It’s not the same as your situation!” She mentioned something else, and then I felt myself getting angry. It’s a combination of a trust issue, and also her passed experiences dealing with her ex and other losers she dated. I made a mistake and brought up one of her guy friends whom I believe likes her and wanted to go for a drink wither her, but I trust her enough to do whatever she wants to do, but it’s at this point I knew things were really getting off the rails. I stopped myself from getting into further hole. I calmed down, and asked what are you saying? She responded I think I need some time to think. I paused and calmly said ok. I told her I don’t know what else to say right now. Weather I could have done things, or said things differently is debateable, but I would give her space if that’s what she wanted. We got off the phone.

 

At that moment I couldn’t’ feel anything. I was in shock. I couldn’t sleep that night with a thousand thoughts running through my head. I didn’t need this right now. My son was on route to the hospital and I couldn’t be with him…my ex said words to me about being a father that weighed heavily on me…and now my gf wanted time to think. I couldn’t sleep that night at all. The next morning I went to work and received a text from my gf. “Are you still mad.” I responded “No, not at all.” At this point I wasn’t sure what to feel anymore. She then texted “I’ll be thinking of you and your son.” I responded thanks and got ready for a meeting at work. Later that evening my ex messaged me to tell me they arrived and that my son was happy. I had another sleepless night but I needed to keep it together and remain focused.

 

The next day I decided to work from home, and my ex sent me a pic of our son in the AM. He had electrodes all over him and he looked so sad. I was crushed. Even though I knew I couldn’t attend I felt a burden of guilt. But I needed to think positively, I needed to be strong for him, I needed to endure. Around noon I was on a conference call when I get a long text from my gf….

 

“I dropped off your stuff for you. I think everything is there, but if something is missing let me know. The watch you gave me is there too, you should have it back, I don’t feel right keeping it. I know you’re ok, but this wasn’t easy for me. I let you completely into my life, heart, and soul. I didn’t think I would be able to do that again. I wish things could have been different but I know this arrangement as it is won’t work for me and it’s not fair to either of us if I keep trying but stay resentful. I wish nothing but good things for you and your little boy. I would have liked to meet him. Something tells me he’s a lot like you.”

 

I put my meeting on mute, got up and walked to the front door and opened it. There was a bag with the stuff that had accumulated at her house. I picked it up and brought it inside and placed it in the living room. I couldn’t believe she just did what she did…I had a rush of different emotions, anger sadness, indifference. To much was happening at once, and I had to repress all of my feelings. I wasn’t ready to deal with anything. That night I went to the gym and began on the punching bag. I began to think about the days events. I could slowly start feeling anger creep up on me. Why did my ex have to be spiteful and hurtful towards me, why did my son have to go through this, why was the girl who I loved dump me over text with no real discussion, she was supposed to have my back and be supportive during my time of need! I started breathing heavier, my hits to the bag became harder, I was running out of breath. YOU, I told myself. I kept hitting, harder, harder, HARDER, until I finally almost collapsed. I leaned against a bench panting for air. I let the anger and rage consume me, envelope me. I needed it. I use it as my shield from the pain, the sadness, the loneliness that would surely come. I didn’t want to feel these emotions but I know they will have to run their course.

 

This happened exactly 1 week ago to the day. Right now I’m doing all I can to keep my emotions in check. I’ve stayed off social media. I don’t need to see her in any form. I tried hiding this from my friends but they know me to well to know when something is up. I told them the story and they are angry for me, but I told them not to be. My friends that met her don’t doubt that she will reach out to me but I don’t hold onto this. For now I remain a soldier and have been in no contact since her last text. IF, and when she does reach out I’ll deal with it accordingly. I have work to do, and a punching bag to hit…

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As I read this looong accounting of what transpired, I can't help but wonder if the gf had a voice in this, what would that sound like?

 

But we have the benefit of your story and that's all I have to work with. I just a nagging feeling that there is something I'm missing.

 

Is it that simple? She didn't want to be entangled in your arrangement. As much as it works for you, it apparently doesn't for her.

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As I read this looong accounting of what transpired, I can't help but wonder if the gf had a voice in this, what would that sound like?

 

But we have the benefit of your story and that's all I have to work with. I just a nagging feeling that there is something I'm missing.

 

Is it that simple? She didn't want to be entangled in your arrangement. As much as it works for you, it apparently doesn't for her.

 

I don't think in relationships anything is ever simple, and there is always the other side for sure, but lets face it no relationship is perfect. I'm not without my idiosyncrasies, but I know I made her happy. I highlighted much of the important details that were part of this story...Like your motto says, "It is, what it is."

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Buried in the narrative I pick out the negatives. Fair? Probably not, but I am trying to understand why she chose to end it.

 

I have to admit not having shared custody of your son makes my spidey senses go up. I am not sure how that relates to your sons health issue. That and basically being in a pseudo family arrangement with your ex wife and son. It does appear that this arrangement provides you quite a bit of wiggle room.

 

He had electrodes all over him and he looked so sad. I was crushed. Even though I knew I couldn’t attend I felt a burden of guilt.

If everything was for the sake of the boy, why weren't you there?

 

Look. I get your son has health issues. If being with your son and his mom as an intact family and not having a custody arrangement works for you, I can't argue that. But it seems like the wheels started to come off when your girlfriend overheard your very upset ex on the phone. It just doesn't add up to supposedly being in an amicable healthy situation that you want your new gf to buy into and you are basically accusing her of not being supportive of.

 

She heard the emotion along with the attachment the ex still has for you. Now she has to figure out how to get comfortable with the notion that you are still some sort of a family unit. . with a Dad who has no formal custody rights.

 

Add in a mother of a child with special needs who is angry because she feels she count on you. But you write it off to her being in one of her moods?

 

The levity of the situation seems to be clearing up for her and she chooses not to be involved with this fluid arrangement of yours.

 

I can kind of see her point.

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Buried in the narrative I pick out the negatives. Fair? Probably not, but I am trying to understand why she chose to end it.

 

I have to admit not having shared custody of your son makes my spidey senses go up. I am not sure how that relates to your sons health issue. Unless the ex has something over you that you are hesitant to pursue it? That and basically being in a pseudo family arrangement with your ex wife and son.

 

He had electrodes all over him and he looked so sad. I was crushed. Even though I knew I couldn’t attend I felt a burden of guilt.

If everything was for the sake of the boy, why weren't you there?

 

Look. I get your son has health issues. If being with your son as a intact family with mom present and not having a custody arrangement works for you, I can't argue that. But it seems like the wheels started to come off when your girlfriend overheard your very upset ex on the phone. It just doesn't add up to supposedly being in an amicable healthy situation that you want your new gf to buy into.

 

She heard the emotion along with the attachment the ex still has for you. Now she has to figure out how to get comfortable with the notion that you are still an acting family unit with an ex who hasn't yet let go. . with a Dad who has no formal custody rights.

 

The levity of the situation seem to be clearing up for her and she chooses not to be involved with this fluid arrangement of yours.

I can kind of see her point.

 

I have absolutely no reason to come here and lie an anonymous forum, but I leave it to the reader to draw whatever conclusion they want from this. If anything this was therapeutic for me. As far as the custody of my son in concerned, my ex and I made an arrangement out of court that prior to all of this was working. When we broke up I gave her a lump sum of money, and I pay child support and give her extra if she needs it. Leaving my ex as the main custody holder was for my son to have stability. It's not going to remain like this forever, it's until he gets older and gets passed some of the challenges he faces.

 

To me it's an odd thing...when I see people with shared custody, that hate each other so much, that in many cases to the point of wishing them dead is just weird. I can't fathom this! It's a selfish way of thinking on both the parents. I took the highroad and did it for my son, mainly because I dated girls who came from broken homes and see how damaged they are. I didn't want my son to be a statistic from a broken home and turn into a bad apple as this is what happens in many cases. My ex realizes this as well. My arrangement I had with my gf should have been no skin off my gf's back! It didn't affect her other, then the odd time of me leaving her to go see my son on a weekend for breakfast. Most people can't understand my dynamic because their situation was very different.

 

My gf dealt with years of neglect from her ex, then dated douche bags. Is she carrying some emotional baggage from it all? You bet! Did I make some mistakes at the beginning of the relationship before I knew how deep rooted some of her issues were? Yes, but I rectified them on my side. Again, I'm not perfect and I would own any mistakes I made throughout the relationship.

 

It's funny, my director at work told me a story where his ex was severely aggressive towards him after the breakup. When he met his new wife she told him to try and make piece for the sake of the kids, and he tried, only for his ex to worsen her attitude towards him. This is when his new wife realized that there was no changing her ways. My situation isn't quite the same, my ex and I "get along" for the most part...but my point to the story is I needed my gf to be supportive in this case, like my directors wife was for him.

 

You want to know what the real kick in the nuts is? On my last scheduled visit with my son my ex asked me if I was spending the holidays with my gf. Even though we had broken up I said yes I am. My ex doesn't need to know my personnel life. She then said that she won't be inviting me to any further holidays. I just left it at that.

 

So again, everyone can draw suspicion, and come to their own conclusion...all good. This came out of left field for me, and her actions didn't warrant the situation, but that's what happens when someone has the "Fight, or Flight" mechanism. Why deal with a situation when in her eyes it is easier to walk away I suppose. For now I remain in radio silence...

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The gf seems conscientious, careful and has done her housekeeping. She thoughtfully assimilated you into her life and when she has concerns about how you manage yours and its apparent differences, instead of trying understand her view you throw her past crappy relationships in her face?

I dont think you're lying. I think you're missing the point.

You dont share the same values and rather than acknowledging that you want to make about her being damaged.

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The gf seems conscientious, careful and has done her housekeeping. She thoughtfully assimilated you into her life and when she has concerns about how you manage yours and its apparent differences, instead of trying understand her view you throw her past crappy relationships in her face?

I dont think you're lying. I think you're missing the point.

You dont share the same values and rather than acknowledging that you want to make about her being damaged.

 

What are you talking about? I never threw anything in her face! Not once did I go tell her I thought she was damaged, or even insinuate it! When she was ready she told me about her past experiences and SHE was the one to tell me how it affected her and how she carried it forward. I even asked her point blank am I anything like her ex's or past experiences, the answer was a resounding NO! If I was we would have been broken up long ago. In order to understand the situation I have to take in ALL facets of it, including how she felt in the situation, and why she made the decision to breakup, and part of it is trust issues stemming from her past.

 

Prior to her last text message, I'm sure she thought about her decision after our exchange, and she made a conscious choice, I don't doubt this for a second, but I also don't doubt what the post breakup is doing to her and the phases she is going through. I know my value and worth. I know even if she never comes back that I'm the measuring stick she is going to use. If she comes back, am I able to look past how she dealt with this? if there is a chance for a future I have to, otherwise there is no point. This doesn't mean I'm sitting waiting around for her, it means life goes on, but if she decides to contact, then we'll chat and go from there.

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Hey Spartan,

 

First of all, I think you are doing the right thing with regard to the break-up. You are working through you emotions as best you can, finding an appropraite outlet for your feelings with boxing and even posting here, and maintaining non-contact to allow you to get your mind straight.

 

In terms of your son, I have neither the experience nor the disposition to comment on the 'rightness' of your custody arrangement. My heart goes out to you; you clearly love your son deeply and I can't, and don't want to, imagine the immense burden your son's health struggles are on you.

 

However, reading through all you have written, I have to say I have some sympathy for your girlfriend, too. From her perspective, she clearly wanted to integrate your lives more fully; she has introduced you to her family and her children, and it seems from your description she was seeking to a relationship where there were no 'off-limits' personal areas. Your custody situation, regardless of whether it is right or wrong, does undoubtedly mean that she will be outside a huge part of your life for a significant time; one that will always be your priority. Add to this that your arrangement, by your admission, is driven primarily by your ex, who clearly has a significant issue with you dating, and I can see how that may be a portent of an untenable relationship from her perspective. I think her words are very telling:

 

"I wish things could have been different but I know this arrangement as it is won’t work for me and it’s not fair to either of us if I keep trying but stay resentful. I wish nothing but good things for you and your little boy. I would have liked to meet him."

 

In her shoes, I too would be thinking 'how will I ever integrate into this arrangement? will I be forced to visit at his ex's house and endure her just to have a relationship with his son?". It also seems like you are very adamant about your current situation, which is of course your right, but I can't help but wonder, if you ex continues the ultimatums (your gf or your son) which would you choose? Would you pursue legal joint custody to save you relationship with this woman? Orwould what appear to be your deeply held beliefs about maintaining a family unit with you ex be more important too you?

 

Finally, with how she broke up, while I don't usually advocate for the 'over-txt' approach, I do feel she was trying to spare you and her pain and confusion. She had an epiphany following that phone call, and given that it is an issue you have described in depth and at length, including your reasons for it, I feel its as much she didn't want you to feel she was trying to make you choose as her own issues and insecurities. She knew she couldn't do it, and thought it better to end it fast and with as little as drama as possible, a decision compounded by your son's current situation. Could she have waited until after the weekend, for a better time, perhaps, but then again I also don't usually advocate for this 'waiting for a better time' approach either, as to me it sems somewhat insulting to insuate that you are their rock and without you they will fall apart.

 

Again, I am not commenting on the rightness of your arrangment, rather I just want to illustrate what might be the takeaway here; that going forward, if you really want to build a full, loving, long-term relationship with a woman, there are some difficult questions and issues to address.

 

In any case, I wish your son all the best, and you a swift recovery,

 

T

 

P.S. I might also add, the timeframes here seem a bit fast, despite you expressing reservations. That's on both of you, but with the complexities in both your lives, maybe taking a bit longer to get into the nitty-gritty of families and children would have been better saved for a year plus. Just an after thought.

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Hey Spartan,

 

First of all, I think you are doing the right thing with regard to the break-up. You are working through you emotions as best you can, finding an appropraite outlet for your feelings with boxing and even posting here, and maintaining non-contact to allow you to get your mind straight.

 

In terms of your son, I have neither the experience nor the disposition to comment on the 'rightness' of your custody arrangement. My heart goes out to you; you clearly love your son deeply and I can't, and don't want to, imagine the immense burden your son's health struggles are on you.

 

However, reading through all you have written, I have to say I have some sympathy for your girlfriend, too. From her perspective, she clearly wanted to integrate your lives more fully; she has introduced you to her family and her children, and it seems from your description she was seeking to a relationship where there were no 'off-limits' personal areas. Your custody situation, regardless of whether it is right or wrong, does undoubtedly mean that she will be outside a huge part of your life for a significant time; one that will always be your priority. Add to this that your arrangement, by your admission, is driven primarily by your ex, who clearly has a significant issue with you dating, and I can see how that may be a portent of an untenable relationship from her perspective. I think her words are very telling:

 

"I wish things could have been different but I know this arrangement as it is won’t work for me and it’s not fair to either of us if I keep trying but stay resentful. I wish nothing but good things for you and your little boy. I would have liked to meet him."

 

In her shoes, I too would be thinking 'how will I ever integrate into this arrangement? will I be forced to visit at his ex's house and endure her just to have a relationship with his son?". It also seems like you are very adamant about your current situation, which is of course your right, but I can't help but wonder, if you ex continues the ultimatums (your gf or your son) which would you choose? Would you pursue legal joint custody to save you relationship with this woman? Orwould what appear to be your deeply held beliefs about maintaining a family unit with you ex be more important too you?

 

Finally, with how she broke up, while I don't usually advocate for the 'over-txt' approach, I do feel she was trying to spare you and her pain and confusion. She had an epiphany following that phone call, and given that it is an issue you have described in depth and at length, including your reasons for it, I feel its as much she didn't want you to feel she was trying to make you choose as her own issues and insecurities. She knew she couldn't do it, and thought it better to end it fast and with as little as drama as possible, a decision compounded by your son's current situation. Could she have waited until after the weekend, for a better time, perhaps, but then again I also don't usually advocate for this 'waiting for a better time' approach either, as to me it sems somewhat insulting to insuate that you are their rock and without you they will fall apart.

 

Again, I am not commenting on the rightness of your arrangment, rather I just want to illustrate what might be the takeaway here; that going forward, if you really want to build a full, loving, long-term relationship with a woman, there are some difficult questions and issues to address.

 

In any case, I wish your son all the best, and you a swift recovery,

 

T

 

P.S. I might also add, the timeframes here seem a bit fast, despite you expressing reservations. That's on both of you, but with the complexities in both your lives, maybe taking a bit longer to get into the nitty-gritty of families and children would have been better saved for a year plus. Just an after thought.

 

The words that you have spoken are true. I realize that my sticking point is my current arrangement. All I was asking for was a little time to work through everything with my ex, and for my gf to be patient, nothing more, nothing less. I don't think that is to much to ask for, and in return a loving relationship. I'm not faulting her for her actions or decision. Cheers.

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Your ex (mother of your child) is a bit of a loose cannon. She shouldn't be raising her voice or getting upset with you or pulling guilt trips. You're stuck in an emotionally manipulative co-parenting relationship with your ex and you're using your own child as a scapegoat for the toxic situation that's building. It's one thing to preserve some fluidity in your scheduling and create your own arrangements between the both of you provided you're both able to function as mature adults and not devolve into passive aggressive or plain aggressive tactics. Your ex seems very against you dating and allergic to any idea that you may be moving on or have any life outside of raising your son together (co-parenting).

 

Like the others, I wish you lots of healing vibes and hope your son is feeling better soon and grows stronger with time. Mentally, emotionally, I hope he doesn't have to see his dad this way for much longer. Your ex-gf (if she knows what's good for her) will not be coming back. It has very little to do with her exes (there's really no reason to mention that about her). It has to do with the relationship and it truly wasn't workable at all for her. She has her own kids to raise and she's not just being patient for you if she's patient for you. It means she's putting her mental and emotional health at risk. She's thinking of herself and those around her. It's best to put this behind you. I wouldn't date anyone at this point if I were you until things stabilize between you and your ex or until you feel strong enough to create better boundaries between your ex and yourself. Keep things as simple as possible and be there for your son. I'd work on limiting that hold your ex has over you and your dating life.

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Everyone has been correct on the analogy of my situation. Even though I don't agree with how the situation was dealt with by my gf, I know it wasn't an easy decision for her. I accepted that she may not come back, and that's ok.

 

I'm running on a couple of hours sleep, but I had to do something that was long overdue. Since my ex found out I was in a committed relationship things between us had already changed. When I woke up early this morning I contacted my ex as we both work the same hours, so I knew she would be awake. I didn't tell her what happened with my gf because it's none of her business, but told her that I want to re-work our scheduling for our son. For now we will stick to the schedule of 3 days a week, and won't veer from it unless it's an emergency. We only communicate when it's something important about my son and nothing more. My ex lives nearby me, so when I see my son I go to her place and she leaves to do her own thing but this needs to change. I suggested that in the new year I will be picking him up after work and bringing him to my place, although we didn't go deep into this point. She didn't put up a fight but does want to sit down to discuss it further. It's a starting point at the very least. I hope we can do it without mediators, as that is usually better, but if we have to get lawyers involved so be it. I'm seeing her tonight to discuss this more as it's been long overdue. It's unfortunate it cost me a relationship to get here. This is much of what my gf wanted all along, but I guess that irony for you...

 

 

thanks for everyone's input. Cheers

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Everyone has been correct on the analogy of my situation. Even though I don't agree with how the situation was dealt with by my gf, I know it wasn't an easy decision for her. I accepted that she may not come back, and that's ok.

 

I'm running on a couple of hours sleep, but I had to do something that was long overdue. Since my ex found out I was in a committed relationship things between us had already changed. When I woke up early this morning I contacted my ex as we both work the same hours, so I knew she would be awake. I didn't tell her what happened with my gf because it's none of her business, but told her that I want to re-work our scheduling for our son. For now we will stick to the schedule of 3 days a week, and won't veer from it unless it's an emergency. We only communicate when it's something important about my son and nothing more. My ex lives nearby me, so when I see my son I go to her place and she leaves to do her own thing but this needs to change. I suggested that in the new year I will be picking him up after work and bringing him to my place, although we didn't go deep into this point. She didn't put up a fight but does want to sit down to discuss it further. It's a starting point at the very least. I hope we can do it without mediators, as that is usually better, but if we have to get lawyers involved so be it. I'm seeing her tonight to discuss this more as it's been long overdue. It's unfortunate it cost me a relationship to get here. This is much of what my gf wanted all along, but I guess that irony for you...

 

 

thanks for everyone's input. Cheers

 

This is fantastic news. Really glad to hear this. Keep us updated and feel free to talk things out on the thread or in the journalling section. Everyone is on a journey. This is yours and your family's journey, healing and evolving. Hope it goes well this evening.

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