Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: Sit down with your favorite beverage and read...

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,406
    Gender
    Female
    Buried in the narrative I pick out the negatives. Fair? Probably not, but I am trying to understand why she chose to end it.

    I have to admit not having shared custody of your son makes my spidey senses go up. I am not sure how that relates to your sons health issue. That and basically being in a pseudo family arrangement with your ex wife and son. It does appear that this arrangement provides you quite a bit of wiggle room.

    He had electrodes all over him and he looked so sad. I was crushed. Even though I knew I couldnít attend I felt a burden of guilt.

    If everything was for the sake of the boy, why weren't you there?

    Look. I get your son has health issues. If being with your son and his mom as an intact family and not having a custody arrangement works for you, I can't argue that. But it seems like the wheels started to come off when your girlfriend overheard your very upset ex on the phone. It just doesn't add up to supposedly being in an amicable healthy situation that you want your new gf to buy into and you are basically accusing her of not being supportive of.

    She heard the emotion along with the attachment the ex still has for you. Now she has to figure out how to get comfortable with the notion that you are still some sort of a family unit. . with a Dad who has no formal custody rights.

    Add in a mother of a child with special needs who is angry because she feels she count on you. But you write it off to her being in one of her moods? < this is exactly why custody arrangements are necessary, bytheway.

    The levity of the situation seems to be clearing up for her and she chooses not to be involved with this fluid arrangement of yours.

    I can kind of see her point.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 10-16-2019 at 09:09 PM.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Buried in the narrative I pick out the negatives. Fair? Probably not, but I am trying to understand why she chose to end it.

    I have to admit not having shared custody of your son makes my spidey senses go up. I am not sure how that relates to your sons health issue. Unless the ex has something over you that you are hesitant to pursue it? That and basically being in a pseudo family arrangement with your ex wife and son.

    He had electrodes all over him and he looked so sad. I was crushed. Even though I knew I couldnít attend I felt a burden of guilt.

    If everything was for the sake of the boy, why weren't you there?

    Look. I get your son has health issues. If being with your son as a intact family with mom present and not having a custody arrangement works for you, I can't argue that. But it seems like the wheels started to come off when your girlfriend overheard your very upset ex on the phone. It just doesn't add up to supposedly being in an amicable healthy situation that you want your new gf to buy into.

    She heard the emotion along with the attachment the ex still has for you. Now she has to figure out how to get comfortable with the notion that you are still an acting family unit with an ex who hasn't yet let go. . with a Dad who has no formal custody rights.

    The levity of the situation seem to be clearing up for her and she chooses not to be involved with this fluid arrangement of yours.
    I can kind of see her point.
    I have absolutely no reason to come here and lie an anonymous forum, but I leave it to the reader to draw whatever conclusion they want from this. If anything this was therapeutic for me. As far as the custody of my son in concerned, my ex and I made an arrangement out of court that prior to all of this was working. When we broke up I gave her a lump sum of money, and I pay child support and give her extra if she needs it. Leaving my ex as the main custody holder was for my son to have stability. It's not going to remain like this forever, it's until he gets older and gets passed some of the challenges he faces.

    To me it's an odd thing...when I see people with shared custody, that hate each other so much, that in many cases to the point of wishing them dead is just weird. I can't fathom this! It's a selfish way of thinking on both the parents. I took the highroad and did it for my son, mainly because I dated girls who came from broken homes and see how damaged they are. I didn't want my son to be a statistic from a broken home and turn into a bad apple as this is what happens in many cases. My ex realizes this as well. My arrangement I had with my gf should have been no skin off my gf's back! It didn't affect her other, then the odd time of me leaving her to go see my son on a weekend for breakfast. Most people can't understand my dynamic because their situation was very different.

    My gf dealt with years of neglect from her ex, then dated douche bags. Is she carrying some emotional baggage from it all? You bet! Did I make some mistakes at the beginning of the relationship before I knew how deep rooted some of her issues were? Yes, but I rectified them on my side. Again, I'm not perfect and I would own any mistakes I made throughout the relationship.

    It's funny, my director at work told me a story where his ex was severely aggressive towards him after the breakup. When he met his new wife she told him to try and make piece for the sake of the kids, and he tried, only for his ex to worsen her attitude towards him. This is when his new wife realized that there was no changing her ways. My situation isn't quite the same, my ex and I "get along" for the most part...but my point to the story is I needed my gf to be supportive in this case, like my directors wife was for him.

    You want to know what the real kick in the nuts is? On my last scheduled visit with my son my ex asked me if I was spending the holidays with my gf. Even though we had broken up I said yes I am. My ex doesn't need to know my personnel life. She then said that she won't be inviting me to any further holidays. I just left it at that.

    So again, everyone can draw suspicion, and come to their own conclusion...all good. This came out of left field for me, and her actions didn't warrant the situation, but that's what happens when someone has the "Fight, or Flight" mechanism. Why deal with a situation when in her eyes it is easier to walk away I suppose. For now I remain in radio silence...

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,406
    Gender
    Female
    The gf seems conscientious, careful and has done her housekeeping. She thoughtfully assimilated you into her life and when she has concerns about how you manage yours and its apparent differences, instead of trying understand her view you throw her past crappy relationships in her face?
    I dont think you're lying. I think you're missing the point.
    You dont share the same values and rather than acknowledging that you want to make about her being damaged.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 10-16-2019 at 09:42 PM.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    The gf seems conscientious, careful and has done her housekeeping. She thoughtfully assimilated you into her life and when she has concerns about how you manage yours and its apparent differences, instead of trying understand her view you throw her past crappy relationships in her face?
    I dont think you're lying. I think you're missing the point.
    You dont share the same values and rather than acknowledging that you want to make about her being damaged.
    What are you talking about? I never threw anything in her face! Not once did I go tell her I thought she was damaged, or even insinuate it! When she was ready she told me about her past experiences and SHE was the one to tell me how it affected her and how she carried it forward. I even asked her point blank am I anything like her ex's or past experiences, the answer was a resounding NO! If I was we would have been broken up long ago. In order to understand the situation I have to take in ALL facets of it, including how she felt in the situation, and why she made the decision to breakup, and part of it is trust issues stemming from her past.

    Prior to her last text message, I'm sure she thought about her decision after our exchange, and she made a conscious choice, I don't doubt this for a second, but I also don't doubt what the post breakup is doing to her and the phases she is going through. I know my value and worth. I know even if she never comes back that I'm the measuring stick she is going to use. If she comes back, am I able to look past how she dealt with this? if there is a chance for a future I have to, otherwise there is no point. This doesn't mean I'm sitting waiting around for her, it means life goes on, but if she decides to contact, then we'll chat and go from there.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Location
    Japan
    Age
    36
    Posts
    132
    Gender
    Male
    Hey Spartan,

    First of all, I think you are doing the right thing with regard to the break-up. You are working through you emotions as best you can, finding an appropraite outlet for your feelings with boxing and even posting here, and maintaining non-contact to allow you to get your mind straight.

    In terms of your son, I have neither the experience nor the disposition to comment on the 'rightness' of your custody arrangement. My heart goes out to you; you clearly love your son deeply and I can't, and don't want to, imagine the immense burden your son's health struggles are on you.

    However, reading through all you have written, I have to say I have some sympathy for your girlfriend, too. From her perspective, she clearly wanted to integrate your lives more fully; she has introduced you to her family and her children, and it seems from your description she was seeking to a relationship where there were no 'off-limits' personal areas. Your custody situation, regardless of whether it is right or wrong, does undoubtedly mean that she will be outside a huge part of your life for a significant time; one that will always be your priority. Add to this that your arrangement, by your admission, is driven primarily by your ex, who clearly has a significant issue with you dating, and I can see how that may be a portent of an untenable relationship from her perspective. I think her words are very telling:

    "I wish things could have been different but I know this arrangement as it is wonít work for me and itís not fair to either of us if I keep trying but stay resentful. I wish nothing but good things for you and your little boy. I would have liked to meet him."

    In her shoes, I too would be thinking 'how will I ever integrate into this arrangement? will I be forced to visit at his ex's house and endure her just to have a relationship with his son?". It also seems like you are very adamant about your current situation, which is of course your right, but I can't help but wonder, if you ex continues the ultimatums (your gf or your son) which would you choose? Would you pursue legal joint custody to save you relationship with this woman? Orwould what appear to be your deeply held beliefs about maintaining a family unit with you ex be more important too you?

    Finally, with how she broke up, while I don't usually advocate for the 'over-txt' approach, I do feel she was trying to spare you and her pain and confusion. She had an epiphany following that phone call, and given that it is an issue you have described in depth and at length, including your reasons for it, I feel its as much she didn't want you to feel she was trying to make you choose as her own issues and insecurities. She knew she couldn't do it, and thought it better to end it fast and with as little as drama as possible, a decision compounded by your son's current situation. Could she have waited until after the weekend, for a better time, perhaps, but then again I also don't usually advocate for this 'waiting for a better time' approach either, as to me it sems somewhat insulting to insuate that you are their rock and without you they will fall apart.

    Again, I am not commenting on the rightness of your arrangment, rather I just want to illustrate what might be the takeaway here; that going forward, if you really want to build a full, loving, long-term relationship with a woman, there are some difficult questions and issues to address.

    In any case, I wish your son all the best, and you a swift recovery,

    T

    P.S. I might also add, the timeframes here seem a bit fast, despite you expressing reservations. That's on both of you, but with the complexities in both your lives, maybe taking a bit longer to get into the nitty-gritty of families and children would have been better saved for a year plus. Just an after thought.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    Hey Spartan,

    First of all, I think you are doing the right thing with regard to the break-up. You are working through you emotions as best you can, finding an appropraite outlet for your feelings with boxing and even posting here, and maintaining non-contact to allow you to get your mind straight.

    In terms of your son, I have neither the experience nor the disposition to comment on the 'rightness' of your custody arrangement. My heart goes out to you; you clearly love your son deeply and I can't, and don't want to, imagine the immense burden your son's health struggles are on you.

    However, reading through all you have written, I have to say I have some sympathy for your girlfriend, too. From her perspective, she clearly wanted to integrate your lives more fully; she has introduced you to her family and her children, and it seems from your description she was seeking to a relationship where there were no 'off-limits' personal areas. Your custody situation, regardless of whether it is right or wrong, does undoubtedly mean that she will be outside a huge part of your life for a significant time; one that will always be your priority. Add to this that your arrangement, by your admission, is driven primarily by your ex, who clearly has a significant issue with you dating, and I can see how that may be a portent of an untenable relationship from her perspective. I think her words are very telling:

    "I wish things could have been different but I know this arrangement as it is wonít work for me and itís not fair to either of us if I keep trying but stay resentful. I wish nothing but good things for you and your little boy. I would have liked to meet him."

    In her shoes, I too would be thinking 'how will I ever integrate into this arrangement? will I be forced to visit at his ex's house and endure her just to have a relationship with his son?". It also seems like you are very adamant about your current situation, which is of course your right, but I can't help but wonder, if you ex continues the ultimatums (your gf or your son) which would you choose? Would you pursue legal joint custody to save you relationship with this woman? Orwould what appear to be your deeply held beliefs about maintaining a family unit with you ex be more important too you?

    Finally, with how she broke up, while I don't usually advocate for the 'over-txt' approach, I do feel she was trying to spare you and her pain and confusion. She had an epiphany following that phone call, and given that it is an issue you have described in depth and at length, including your reasons for it, I feel its as much she didn't want you to feel she was trying to make you choose as her own issues and insecurities. She knew she couldn't do it, and thought it better to end it fast and with as little as drama as possible, a decision compounded by your son's current situation. Could she have waited until after the weekend, for a better time, perhaps, but then again I also don't usually advocate for this 'waiting for a better time' approach either, as to me it sems somewhat insulting to insuate that you are their rock and without you they will fall apart.

    Again, I am not commenting on the rightness of your arrangment, rather I just want to illustrate what might be the takeaway here; that going forward, if you really want to build a full, loving, long-term relationship with a woman, there are some difficult questions and issues to address.

    In any case, I wish your son all the best, and you a swift recovery,

    T

    P.S. I might also add, the timeframes here seem a bit fast, despite you expressing reservations. That's on both of you, but with the complexities in both your lives, maybe taking a bit longer to get into the nitty-gritty of families and children would have been better saved for a year plus. Just an after thought.
    The words that you have spoken are true. I realize that my sticking point is my current arrangement. All I was asking for was a little time to work through everything with my ex, and for my gf to be patient, nothing more, nothing less. I don't think that is to much to ask for, and in return a loving relationship. I'm not faulting her for her actions or decision. Cheers.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,853
    Gender
    Female
    Your ex (mother of your child) is a bit of a loose cannon. She shouldn't be raising her voice or getting upset with you or pulling guilt trips. You're stuck in an emotionally manipulative co-parenting relationship with your ex and you're using your own child as a scapegoat for the toxic situation that's building. It's one thing to preserve some fluidity in your scheduling and create your own arrangements between the both of you provided you're both able to function as mature adults and not devolve into passive aggressive or plain aggressive tactics. Your ex seems very against you dating and allergic to any idea that you may be moving on or have any life outside of raising your son together (co-parenting).

    Like the others, I wish you lots of healing vibes and hope your son is feeling better soon and grows stronger with time. Mentally, emotionally, I hope he doesn't have to see his dad this way for much longer. Your ex-gf (if she knows what's good for her) will not be coming back. It has very little to do with her exes (there's really no reason to mention that about her). It has to do with the relationship and it truly wasn't workable at all for her. She has her own kids to raise and she's not just being patient for you if she's patient for you. It means she's putting her mental and emotional health at risk. She's thinking of herself and those around her. It's best to put this behind you. I wouldn't date anyone at this point if I were you until things stabilize between you and your ex or until you feel strong enough to create better boundaries between your ex and yourself. Keep things as simple as possible and be there for your son. I'd work on limiting that hold your ex has over you and your dating life.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 10-17-2019 at 03:36 AM.

  9. #18
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    10
    Everyone has been correct on the analogy of my situation. Even though I don't agree with how the situation was dealt with by my gf, I know it wasn't an easy decision for her. I accepted that she may not come back, and that's ok.

    I'm running on a couple of hours sleep, but I had to do something that was long overdue. Since my ex found out I was in a committed relationship things between us had already changed. When I woke up early this morning I contacted my ex as we both work the same hours, so I knew she would be awake. I didn't tell her what happened with my gf because it's none of her business, but told her that I want to re-work our scheduling for our son. For now we will stick to the schedule of 3 days a week, and won't veer from it unless it's an emergency. We only communicate when it's something important about my son and nothing more. My ex lives nearby me, so when I see my son I go to her place and she leaves to do her own thing but this needs to change. I suggested that in the new year I will be picking him up after work and bringing him to my place, although we didn't go deep into this point. She didn't put up a fight but does want to sit down to discuss it further. It's a starting point at the very least. I hope we can do it without mediators, as that is usually better, but if we have to get lawyers involved so be it. I'm seeing her tonight to discuss this more as it's been long overdue. It's unfortunate it cost me a relationship to get here. This is much of what my gf wanted all along, but I guess that irony for you...


    thanks for everyone's input. Cheers

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,770
    Gender
    Male
    Did you know there is a journal section for chronicling things like this?: [Register to see the link]

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,853
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by THE SPARTAN
    Everyone has been correct on the analogy of my situation. Even though I don't agree with how the situation was dealt with by my gf, I know it wasn't an easy decision for her. I accepted that she may not come back, and that's ok.

    I'm running on a couple of hours sleep, but I had to do something that was long overdue. Since my ex found out I was in a committed relationship things between us had already changed. When I woke up early this morning I contacted my ex as we both work the same hours, so I knew she would be awake. I didn't tell her what happened with my gf because it's none of her business, but told her that I want to re-work our scheduling for our son. For now we will stick to the schedule of 3 days a week, and won't veer from it unless it's an emergency. We only communicate when it's something important about my son and nothing more. My ex lives nearby me, so when I see my son I go to her place and she leaves to do her own thing but this needs to change. I suggested that in the new year I will be picking him up after work and bringing him to my place, although we didn't go deep into this point. She didn't put up a fight but does want to sit down to discuss it further. It's a starting point at the very least. I hope we can do it without mediators, as that is usually better, but if we have to get lawyers involved so be it. I'm seeing her tonight to discuss this more as it's been long overdue. It's unfortunate it cost me a relationship to get here. This is much of what my gf wanted all along, but I guess that irony for you...


    thanks for everyone's input. Cheers
    This is fantastic news. Really glad to hear this. Keep us updated and feel free to talk things out on the thread or in the journalling section. Everyone is on a journey. This is yours and your family's journey, healing and evolving. Hope it goes well this evening.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •