Saddening ENA reviews

....So what's the point of your thread really? Do you want to take over? Dictate your rules? Just wanted to complain?

I just wanted to say... I like anchovies too. I eat them deep fried with lime. I don't think there's any harm in voicing what works or doesn't work. Although for the most part, I will say that this forum is very mild in comparison to other forums. The crowd here is smaller and there's always some ongoing discussion so I'm thankful for that and for the moderators who do a very good job keeping this place running.

Being aware of the other members and their general disposition (strengths/weaknesses) helps also. I didn't know anyone here or what they were like when I first started posting and I'm sure I offended quite a lot of people. I see each member as a person with some background, likes, dislikes. You should stick around, Firelily. Get to know a few people a bit more, read and post with us. With that kind of effort put into the analysis of a website, you would be great helping others. I'd like to see more of your posts.

....So what's the point of your thread really? Do you want to take over? Dictate your rules? Just wanted to complain?

Could you form these sentence in a way that is kind to me and not confrontational? Thank you. I have nothing against you, DancingFool, I appreciated your advice in the past. After these days, I'm tired of having to explain myself to questions involving negative judgement. It's very tiring. If you don't like this thread, don't see the point of it, please just say so in a sentence ending with a dot. It's extremely tiring answering to questions if you're not sure if someone genuinely wants you to explain something. If you want to express a negative opinion, do so, if you want to ask something, ask kindly.

Just to be clear, what is the sample size of these reviews? Five? Fifteen?

There were like 5 opinions on each site but many sites. I counted now since so many people asked, and well some sites doubled, but overall ENA has 6 positive reviews and 27 detailed 1 star reviews (different reviews under different nicknames). Also on one of these pages I think it got 19 negative ratings. It's not a ton, but I would still think it's a big sample for a portal of this kind. And it's still a bit more than you know, one person not being good with feedback they got here.

Could you form these sentence in a way that is kind to me and not confrontational? Thank you. I have nothing against you, DancingFool, I appreciated your advice in the past. After these days, I'm tired of having to explain myself to questions involving negative judgement. It's very tiring. If you don't like this thread, don't see the point of it, please just say so in a sentence ending with a dot. It's extremely tiring answering to questions if you're not sure if someone genuinely wants you to explain something. If you want to express a negative opinion, do so, if you want to ask something, ask kindly.

Oh my....well that didn't take much. OP, questions are complete sentences. Questions aren't judgments. You don't get to dictate to anyone how to write or how to respond or whether or not to participate on a public forum. Anyway, as other posters have already pointed out, in a very passive aggressive way you answered my question, "I want to dictate to others how to be and I want to argue about it because that makes me feel like I'm in control."

Oh my....well that didn't take much. OP, questions are complete sentences. Questions aren't judgments. You don't get to dictate to anyone how to write or how to respond or whether or not to participate on a public forum. Anyway, as other posters have already pointed out, in a very passive aggressive way you answered my question, "I want to dictate to others how to be and I want to argue about it because that makes me feel like I'm in control."

It's not a covert sarcasm, I'm actually extremely tired.

All best to you guys, please treat people with kindness.

When someone posts "I'm being abused but I don't want to leave so please tell me how to stay in an abusive marriage" and I respond that it would be extremely remiss of me to give someone any encouragement to stay in an abusive relationship and get slammed for my reply and told I'm being "unkind" or "harsh"...well, that's their perspective but I disagree. I also don't agree that because the OP viewed my response as "unkind" it should be deleted.

Also, my style is short and to the point. I've had people complain and I've had people thank me for giving it to them straight.

Way too subjective to monitor.

So, who gets to decide if a response is "unkind"?

Could you form these sentence in a way that is kind to me and not confrontational? Thank you. I have nothing against you, DancingFool, I appreciated your advice in the past. After these days, I'm tired of having to explain myself to questions involving negative judgement. It's very tiring. If you don't like this thread, don't see the point of it, please just say so in a sentence ending with a dot. It's extremely tiring answering to questions if you're not sure if someone genuinely wants you to explain something. If you want to express a negative opinion, do so, if you want to ask something, ask kindly.

DF is a bit curt but good-hearted and she means well.

But as i said:

1)develop thick skin

2) don't ask

It will save you from a lot of frustration :)

Oh my....well that didn't take much. OP, questions are complete sentences. Questions aren't judgments. You don't get to dictate to anyone how to write or how to respond or whether or not to participate on a public forum. Anyway, as other posters have already pointed out, in a very passive aggressive way you answered my question, "I want to dictate to others how to be and I want to argue about it because that makes me feel like I'm in control."

Yep.

Could you form these sentence in a way that is kind to me and not confrontational? Thank you. I have nothing against you, DancingFool, I appreciated your advice in the past. After these days, I'm tired of having to explain myself to questions involving negative judgement. It's very tiring. If you don't like this thread, don't see the point of it, please just say so in a sentence ending with a dot. It's extremely tiring answering to questions if you're not sure if someone genuinely wants you to explain something. If you want to express a negative opinion, do so, if you want to ask something, ask kindly.

Couldn’t the same thing be said to you as well though? I mean honesty speaking and quite ironically I think the fact that this post caused a hearty and productive debate and not just a mud slinging brawl is evidence this board isn’t the negative label you’re attempting to give it. None of your statements about this site were from a kind and understanding place, they were negative and accusatory, it was finger wagging ‘shame on you’ and yet you still received an audience ready to listen and offer their perspective.

Let that sink in...

I gotta agree with the others, I think you are focusing on such a minute detail when there are hundreds every week who are happy for our advice, thoughts, etc.

Say you even found 50 reviews...well try to compare that with how many come here and keep coming back.

There are new posts everyday and lots of repeat posters. You can see how many posts each one of us has responded to, so it literally is thousands of people.

I really do think you're stirring a pot that doesn't need stirring.

No site is perfect but the advisors on this site do their best and mean well.

At the end of the day, for a free site, that is the best you can ask for.

Great point, FIO.

You stayed around for 17 pages, OP, so we can't be that bad.

My candid, non sarcastic explanation is this...

 

There have been many threads on this site (recently too) that follow the same pattern. OP posts an issue, usually something quite bizarre. The members take the time to read the thread, and offer help. The OP refuses to listen to the advice yet continues to repeat the plea for help. The members get annoyed and offer advice without sugar coating. The OP either claims they are being ganged up on, or they insist they are NOT asking for advice. A day later (or sometimes the same day) the same OP creates another thread with the SAME story, usually under a different user name, in hopes of hearing what the want to....

 

So... for some of us, it gets old.

I know that you were not around at the time, but who remembers DOUGIE who did exact this. Finally he admitted it was just for attention. chi

Interestingly the only reviews from 2019 were from that poster, starting on the date that poster was banned for flaming other posters and ironically telling them to "be kind" to her meanwhile insulting people and telling them to "get off my thread".

When someone posts "I'm being abused but I don't want to leave so please tell me how to stay in an abusive marriage" and I respond that it would be extremely remiss of me to give someone any encouragement to stay in an abusive relationship and get slammed for my reply and told I'm being "unkind" or "harsh"...well, that's their perspective but I disagree. So, who gets to decide if a response is "unkind"?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545538

I think a quick read through this posters other post will kinda shed even more light on things.

She mentions she can by hypersensitive to the point of tears.

I’m not stating this to be a jerk or pot stirrer, just follow me for a sec. She mentions the flaws of giving advice without knowing what an individual is going through, which I actually agree with. Anytime I see a number bigger than 1 next to posts, I typically take a look, to me it’s kinda like reading the summary in the back of the book, the information most times sheds more light on the current predicament.

So following the OPers ideas, knowing more before advising well you’re self professed hypersensitive to things being said to you, my advise knowing that is, when presenting an issue you are having on an anonymous forum you should be mindful that you are opening yourself up to constructive criticism. If you know it is a personal trigger of yours, maybe remind yourself before posting, you can potentially be triggered by what’s said. You didn’t do that Lilly, you instead insist on burdening others with the task of bending ourselves to your specific needs. Had you simply said, hey guys I personally have a bit of an issue with hypersensitivity, so please be constructive with your responses, it would have shed light, but you didn’t do that, and again I know I sound like a broke record it goes back to that manipulation word. Instead of taking ownership and stating what you’re personally going through and what will personally help you, you flipped the script and made it about concern for reviews...

It would be good though to develop a thicker skin if you’re going to be a psychiatrist. You are going to hear far worse about people's lives and worst responses than what you’re ever going to see on this forum. What I have found though when people are just starting out and 30 is pretty much just starting out for your generation a lot of people are UBER idealistic . I know I was too. This is not life. I was all sunshine and roses and magical unicorns and I was going to run the world. Um no, here I am many years past 25 and that has never turned out. You will never control other people or their responses and nothing and no one is perfect. Perfection is a fallacy. Control is a fallacy as it relates to others. You can only control yourself.

There is good and there is evil everywhere. I don’t know any regular poster here who is evil. I may not agree with everybody in every instance or with some people in any instance but that doesn’t mean they’re bad people or ill intent. But if evil terrifies you I would get out of psychiatry.

This is how I perceive it. A conversation or discussion when someone starts a thread. I have never heard of or seen this line drawn between "advisers" and posters. It's a very odd view. It implies some sort of responsibility for whatever "advice" is given, when in fact people may make suggestions, ask questions share experiences, etc more like a conversation.

It's bizarre to position a relationship/general forum as if it's a psychologists office and there's someone on the couch and other's sitting with notepads and diplomas on the wall. It's like any other conversation anyone would have with a friend, the bartender, whatever. The ena shaming, when certain posters don't hear what they want to hear comes across as people who want to cyberbully and unload a lot of negativity, not come for a discussion about an issue.

Fifteen people sit around the table.

I agree with Seraphim in that if you are going to have a career in psychology then you are going to have to learn to distance yourself emotionally from situation that you are going to find far more "monster" like then the negative comments by the anonymous disenchanted.

I'm not saying this in a bullying or antagonistic manner so I hope you don't assume that it was meant in that manner. Words in writing do not have voice inflection, you do not have the opportunity to see facial expression or tones of empathy and understanding. Remember that, Fly and hopefully you won't be as affected in future.

Cheers.

Gosh, was away a few days, and I see almost 3000 views of this thread.

I will say nothing more. I don't like being flamed either.

I will merely say that any organisation (virtual or IRL) should be open to suggestions, and yes, even some criticism. To me that seems fairly simple.

Anyhow, I wish the best to Firelily in her endeavours.

Honestly, it's pretty rare I ever see a thread where someone just pounded on, and when it does happen, it's typically as close to justified as it gets.

At the end of the day, this is a free forum. No one here is paid. So to some extent-- if not entirely-- we're each here for our own amusement. Some like to play mother hen. Others armchair psychologists. Others are more curt. And sure, there's the occasional ***hole. I'd like to think I don't fit into that most latter category, but opinions are opinions.

Piggybacking off that very idea of diverse approaches, people coming here for advice likewise aren't all the same. Some people might be a day out of a relationship and not open to anything other than consoling words. Others may very much appreciate very concise and practical reflections and advice right on the spot. I likewise don't enjoy being flamed, and I don't get any particular kick out of being a d1ck just for the same of being one. But we all have our own views of what someone should or needs to hear, and we state in whichever way we can be bothered to sit at the keyboard and express.

Also bear in mind that by the content's very nature and the inherent capabilities of an amateur advice forum, very few people are walking out of here with a lifelong epiphany or a brand new sense of purpose worth taking the time to write a review about. Meanwhile the folks who'd expect a forum of free thinking and autonomous adults to by and large conform to the advice they feel they should be getting are likely the type to be particularly affected by hearing what they don't want to hear.

Also, I miss you, LaHermes.

On 10/16/2019 at 10:00 AM, firelily said:

How do you feel as advice givers on this forum, if this is apparently the impression of so many forum users? 😞

 

It surprised me, too, when I've seen there are mostly negative reviews.  But it shouldn't have surprised me 🙂 most people forget to, "thank," or do a positive gesture back toward something in real life, let alone an anonymous place online (that doesn't feel real to them I'm guessing?).

Reminds me of the ancient story of Jesus healing 10 people from leprosy... something that made them not even able to live with their families, work, do life, but have to live as ostracized and hated, "things," and creatures.  He healed all of them... but only one went back to actually thank him.

And that's why.  It's rare.

Came here years and years and years ago asking for help. I can’t even remember how I ended up discovering this forum. 
 

Stayed for the journal, but hooked by the difference in threads, problems - reading now and then all the different perspectives.

Haven’t always had the most inclusive and sweet responses but behind the usernames are real people with real virtues and real faults and nothing is going to be perfect. All in all, I am totally attached to this little, weird, but wonderful, virtual mother’s meeting. I drop in and out and selfishly lurk and add the odd comment now and then but every time I do I would like to say I really try and give my most honest but hopefully useful slant on the issue.

I just know, for some many different reasons, this site is therapy for all of us - posters and postees! It has it’s problems but it also has great merit. I have made what I think feel like fantastic friends on here and, the general support is warm and well meaning. 
 

It would be a sad day to not be able to log in and skim read or post or reply or journal or, debate or argue or praise or as marital says - thank someone who in saying something not much, made the world of difference!

I am optimistic about this site. Something keeps me coming back, after all these years.

I am sorry OP that you had a bad experience. Sometimes you need to give this place a second chance.

x

I've been coming here off and on for years.  I see familiar names and some come and go.  I recall this original post and if my recollection is correct, there were some pretty strong personalities posting at that time.

I often cringed at the responses some new posters received, having come here already raw and hoping for support.   I often wondered if the advise given was coming from someone more wounded and looking to take their pain out on others.  It got pretty rough at times.

Having backed off a little in the last year, I am pleased to see a collective group of neutral supportive personalities at this time.  It can always change again.  No doubt it will.  

I feel bad that a couple of regulars were run out of here, particularly HollyJ. Yes, she was extremely blunt. I get it. But she didn't deserve someone basically going after her in the way he did.

I had someone going after me (not in the same way) but I think the mods warned him because he stopped and then disappeared. 

We are literally strangers. I don't get upset at words on a tiny screen lol. Sure, a lot of people are kind and it's nice to have that. Lots of people were kind when I had to have my cat put down. A couple of people shamed and blamed me but again, they are strangers so it's not like it ruined my already bad day. I just set it aside.

I hope the majority of people at least get something positive out of coming here, even if it's not the answers they initially wanted.