Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 39

Thread: Unhappily married

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16

    Unhappily married

    Hi all.

    Iíve been married for 15 years and we have three young children together. For as long as I remember, have never been really happy with my husband. First few months of our marriage, we have tried so hard to change each other. I was still pretty young that time, still pursuing my masters and got a new job that I grew into loving so much. But he always wanted me to spend more time at home, do almost nothing, while trying to conceive. It was a loong and tiring journey for me to have babies. Yes, I deliberately said it to ME, as I was the one who went to every single fertility centre a friend recommended, acupuncture, inseminations, up until we ended up trying ivf. And I had to pay for all the expenses if not covered by his companyís insurance. Most of the times I had to sneak out to work without him knowing because I also had to cover my other expenses since he didnít give me any allowance. He once gave me a supplement credit card only to close it a couple of months later after I used it to do groceries. I know.

    Our sex life was barely there. I was never aroused at all by him and I had to imagine of something else with someone else just to get myself ready when he wanted to. We were never that intimate especially after the kids were born.

    When my dad got really sick, I finally realized that my husband never really loved me at all. My dad was the only one whom I turned to when in trouble. We could talk for hours every day and that didnít change a bit even after I got married. Because I couldnít have a real great conversation with my husband without ending up being judged or having an argument. He didnít show as if he cared a little with my terminally-illed dad, even until he passed away, I had to request for a hug from my husband.

    He never stands up for me especially in front of his family. He would defend more of his family and told my parents to educate me better when I did something wrong.

    Come to think that we were always happier when we planned out for a trip. So we planned to move abroad, 25 hours flight away from home. Maybe a change could get us closer. But we grew even further apart. Weíve lived in the new place for 2 years, but no longer sleeping together for about 1.5 years. He always avoids me, when Iím downstairs with the kids, heís in his room. When I go up, heíll be down in the basement. Meal times are mostly just me and the kids, so unlike the childhood I used to have when mom and dad always ate together with us kids and shared about our day.

    And itís not like Iím not trying. I used to ask him to hug and kiss me always before and after work. But he never seemed to enjoy it. Even our kids keep asking whom Iíll be married to, because they donít believe we actually are as weíre not acting like it. Then I just stopped trying hard. Maybe weíre not meant to be together. I once found out about his affair long before the kids were born and I didnít bother to confront it. I mentioned her name a few times when we argued but honestly, I felt nothing. As the matter of fact, I was thinking that if she could make him happier then just do it. And let me leave. But he never does. Now heís trying so hard again to change, helping me much around the house, dropping off and picking up kids, etc. I appreciate his efforts but heís already just like a co-inhabitant, roomie, co-parent to me. Weíre just family who donít get along well, but no longer couples. Holidays and weekends are the worst, I feel like Iíve had my full custody of the kids already. I spend much time with them while heís alienating himself in his room. We communicate mostly through texts because I tend to be disrespectful to him when we talk and I hate myself for that.

    The only thing that stops me from ending this marriage is our kids. I do care about him as the father of my kids but not more than that. I know they deserve to be raised in a happy loving environment well weíre happy being parents but we just canít stand being close to each other. And I can always sign up for a counselling but I donít know if itís worth the effort if I canít love him anymore.

    And to make matters worse, I started to see another guy with the similar circumstances as mine. I donít know if itís out of frustrations in the need to find an outlet to everything inside me, and I donít want to jinx it, but I think I finally know what love should really be like.

    Thanks for reading my long note. I understand itís too one-sided so I can assure you that I blame myself too for contributing the unhappiness to our marriage.

    Your comments (and or judgments) are appreciated and expected.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,936
    Gender
    Female
    Regardless of how your marriage is like, one should never cheat. The marriage is over, don't stay in it if you want to see other people.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,886
    You need a divorce. Your marriage was over long, long time ago.

    The children aren't happy, they can tell you two are not a couple, so why keep on?

    You shouldn't have cheated though, even as sad as you might have been, you should have gotten divorced first.
    Relationships born out of cheating never seem to have happy endings.

    But seeing as things are going the way they are going, now is the time to divorce. You've got no reason to continue this sham of a marriage.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,026
    Gender
    Female
    Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. Time for you to take them and get out. Cheating is never the answer.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,493
    Gender
    Male
    I agree with the others. This Ďmarriageí has to end. Donít worry about the kids, theyíre more resilient than you may think.

    And just note, I would be very, very cautious about falling into the arms of this other guy thinking thatís gonna make everything ok. It wonít....

    I would also be cautious of him saying heíll change when confronted with the reality of whatís about to happen. He may put in a little effort for a short while but really, change is very hard and chances are high that heíll return to how he is once the waters have settled again. How many more years of your life are you willing to invest into this?

    Divorce is horrible, hard and painful but some time alone (as in, single) will serve you much better in the long term*

    Sorry for your situation.

    Sending you strength for the journey ahead*

    Carus*

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,871
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Is this an arranged marriage where you are required to produce children or face the consequences? Are you in a culture/country that does not condone women working? If that is the case is fear why you are so passive in this?

  8. #7

    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    Regardless of how your marriage is like, one should never cheat. The marriage is over, don't stay in it if you want to see other people.
    You're right, I just wish it was that easy to leave. But thanks for your comment.

  9. #8

    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You need a divorce. Your marriage was over long, long time ago.

    The children aren't happy, they can tell you two are not a couple, so why keep on?

    You shouldn't have cheated though, even as sad as you might have been, you should have gotten divorced first.
    Relationships born out of cheating never seem to have happy endings.

    But seeing as things are going the way they are going, now is the time to divorce. You've got no reason to continue this sham of a marriage.
    I got it, it's just hard to start the end. I told my mom just so she would be prepared or at least got her support. At first she did but along the way, she keeps trying to convince me to hold on to my marriage and be a forgiving wife. She lives far back home, I don't want her to be disappointed then get ill or anything as I cannot take care of her.

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. Time for you to take them and get out. Cheating is never the answer.
    My neighbour is a single mom and whenever they have a family together with her sons' dad, they really are a family. As for us, we're still together but we just try to keep being away from each other. I feel so bad at my kids, they're super smart they must know what's going on. I'm just waiting until they get a little older to understand and relatively easier to deal with anxiety. I don't have any valid excuse to cheat, it's against whatever I believe. Trust me, it's so conflicting.

  11. #10

    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    16
    Originally Posted by Carus
    I agree with the others. This Ďmarriageí has to end. Donít worry about the kids, theyíre more resilient than you may think.

    And just note, I would be very, very cautious about falling into the arms of this other guy thinking thatís gonna make everything ok. It wonít....

    I would also be cautious of him saying heíll change when confronted with the reality of whatís about to happen. He may put in a little effort for a short while but really, change is very hard and chances are high that heíll return to how he is once the waters have settled again. How many more years of your life are you willing to invest into this?

    Divorce is horrible, hard and painful but some time alone (as in, single) will serve you much better in the long term*

    Sorry for your situation.

    Sending you strength for the journey ahead*

    Carus*
    Hi Carus, thanks for your comment.
    You know I always believe that when you truly love someone, unconditionally, you won't need to change yourself or anything about that person because you two can just be yourself and still feel so comfortable with each other. That's very fundamental and I sadly learned about this loong after I'm married. All those years I thought we needed to adjust by changing ourselves into someone that our spouses might like. And you're absolutely right, the change has always been temporary. Loving should be effortless. Maybe that's too ideal but I learned a lot from this relationship and other successful relationships my friends have, without trying to compare, but they have that strong basic of finding each other as home. Which we don't.

    I might be infatuated I can't think clearly with my head seeing someone else who offers me comfort and feelings I never had with anyone before. But thanks for the caution, I hate to admit it but you absolutely make sense.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •