Hi all.
I’ve been married for 15 years and we have three young children together. For as long as I remember, have never been really happy with my husband. First few months of our marriage, we have tried so hard to change each other. I was still pretty young that time, still pursuing my masters and got a new job that I grew into loving so much. But he always wanted me to spend more time at home, do almost nothing, while trying to conceive. It was a loong and tiring journey for me to have babies. Yes, I deliberately said it to ME, as I was the one who went to every single fertility centre a friend recommended, acupuncture, inseminations, up until we ended up trying ivf. And I had to pay for all the expenses if not covered by his company’s insurance. Most of the times I had to sneak out to work without him knowing because I also had to cover my other expenses since he didn’t give me any allowance. He once gave me a supplement credit card only to close it a couple of months later after I used it to do groceries. I know.
Our sex life was barely there. I was never aroused at all by him and I had to imagine of something else with someone else just to get myself ready when he wanted to. We were never that intimate especially after the kids were born.
When my dad got really sick, I finally realized that my husband never really loved me at all. My dad was the only one whom I turned to when in trouble. We could talk for hours every day and that didn’t change a bit even after I got married. Because I couldn’t have a real great conversation with my husband without ending up being judged or having an argument. He didn’t show as if he cared a little with my terminally-illed dad, even until he passed away, I had to request for a hug from my husband.
He never stands up for me especially in front of his family. He would defend more of his family and told my parents to educate me better when I did something wrong.
Come to think that we were always happier when we planned out for a trip. So we planned to move abroad, 25 hours flight away from home. Maybe a change could get us closer. But we grew even further apart. We’ve lived in the new place for 2 years, but no longer sleeping together for about 1.5 years. He always avoids me, when I’m downstairs with the kids, he’s in his room. When I go up, he’ll be down in the basement. Meal times are mostly just me and the kids, so unlike the childhood I used to have when mom and dad always ate together with us kids and shared about our day.
And it’s not like I’m not trying. I used to ask him to hug and kiss me always before and after work. But he never seemed to enjoy it. Even our kids keep asking whom I’ll be married to, because they don’t believe we actually are as we’re not acting like it. Then I just stopped trying hard. Maybe we’re not meant to be together. I once found out about his affair long before the kids were born and I didn’t bother to confront it. I mentioned her name a few times when we argued but honestly, I felt nothing. As the matter of fact, I was thinking that if she could make him happier then just do it. And let me leave. But he never does. Now he’s trying so hard again to change, helping me much around the house, dropping off and picking up kids, etc. I appreciate his efforts but he’s already just like a co-inhabitant, roomie, co-parent to me. We’re just family who don’t get along well, but no longer couples. Holidays and weekends are the worst, I feel like I’ve had my full custody of the kids already. I spend much time with them while he’s alienating himself in his room. We communicate mostly through texts because I tend to be disrespectful to him when we talk and I hate myself for that.
The only thing that stops me from ending this marriage is our kids. I do care about him as the father of my kids but not more than that. I know they deserve to be raised in a happy loving environment well we’re happy being parents but we just can’t stand being close to each other. And I can always sign up for a counselling but I don’t know if it’s worth the effort if I can’t love him anymore.
And to make matters worse, I started to see another guy with the similar circumstances as mine. I don’t know if it’s out of frustrations in the need to find an outlet to everything inside me, and I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I finally know what love should really be like.
Thanks for reading my long note. I understand it’s too one-sided so I can assure you that I blame myself too for contributing the unhappiness to our marriage.
Your comments (and or judgments) are appreciated and expected.
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