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Hi all.

 

I’ve been married for 15 years and we have three young children together. For as long as I remember, have never been really happy with my husband. First few months of our marriage, we have tried so hard to change each other. I was still pretty young that time, still pursuing my masters and got a new job that I grew into loving so much. But he always wanted me to spend more time at home, do almost nothing, while trying to conceive. It was a loong and tiring journey for me to have babies. Yes, I deliberately said it to ME, as I was the one who went to every single fertility centre a friend recommended, acupuncture, inseminations, up until we ended up trying ivf. And I had to pay for all the expenses if not covered by his company’s insurance. Most of the times I had to sneak out to work without him knowing because I also had to cover my other expenses since he didn’t give me any allowance. He once gave me a supplement credit card only to close it a couple of months later after I used it to do groceries. I know.

 

Our sex life was barely there. I was never aroused at all by him and I had to imagine of something else with someone else just to get myself ready when he wanted to. We were never that intimate especially after the kids were born.

 

When my dad got really sick, I finally realized that my husband never really loved me at all. My dad was the only one whom I turned to when in trouble. We could talk for hours every day and that didn’t change a bit even after I got married. Because I couldn’t have a real great conversation with my husband without ending up being judged or having an argument. He didn’t show as if he cared a little with my terminally-illed dad, even until he passed away, I had to request for a hug from my husband.

 

He never stands up for me especially in front of his family. He would defend more of his family and told my parents to educate me better when I did something wrong.

 

Come to think that we were always happier when we planned out for a trip. So we planned to move abroad, 25 hours flight away from home. Maybe a change could get us closer. But we grew even further apart. We’ve lived in the new place for 2 years, but no longer sleeping together for about 1.5 years. He always avoids me, when I’m downstairs with the kids, he’s in his room. When I go up, he’ll be down in the basement. Meal times are mostly just me and the kids, so unlike the childhood I used to have when mom and dad always ate together with us kids and shared about our day.

 

And it’s not like I’m not trying. I used to ask him to hug and kiss me always before and after work. But he never seemed to enjoy it. Even our kids keep asking whom I’ll be married to, because they don’t believe we actually are as we’re not acting like it. Then I just stopped trying hard. Maybe we’re not meant to be together. I once found out about his affair long before the kids were born and I didn’t bother to confront it. I mentioned her name a few times when we argued but honestly, I felt nothing. As the matter of fact, I was thinking that if she could make him happier then just do it. And let me leave. But he never does. Now he’s trying so hard again to change, helping me much around the house, dropping off and picking up kids, etc. I appreciate his efforts but he’s already just like a co-inhabitant, roomie, co-parent to me. We’re just family who don’t get along well, but no longer couples. Holidays and weekends are the worst, I feel like I’ve had my full custody of the kids already. I spend much time with them while he’s alienating himself in his room. We communicate mostly through texts because I tend to be disrespectful to him when we talk and I hate myself for that.

 

The only thing that stops me from ending this marriage is our kids. I do care about him as the father of my kids but not more than that. I know they deserve to be raised in a happy loving environment well we’re happy being parents but we just can’t stand being close to each other. And I can always sign up for a counselling but I don’t know if it’s worth the effort if I can’t love him anymore.

 

And to make matters worse, I started to see another guy with the similar circumstances as mine. I don’t know if it’s out of frustrations in the need to find an outlet to everything inside me, and I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I finally know what love should really be like.

 

Thanks for reading my long note. I understand it’s too one-sided so I can assure you that I blame myself too for contributing the unhappiness to our marriage.

 

Your comments (and or judgments) are appreciated and expected.

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You need a divorce. Your marriage was over long, long time ago.

 

The children aren't happy, they can tell you two are not a couple, so why keep on?

 

You shouldn't have cheated though, even as sad as you might have been, you should have gotten divorced first.

Relationships born out of cheating never seem to have happy endings.

 

But seeing as things are going the way they are going, now is the time to divorce. You've got no reason to continue this sham of a marriage.

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I agree with the others. This ‘marriage’ has to end. Don’t worry about the kids, they’re more resilient than you may think.

 

And just note, I would be very, very cautious about falling into the arms of this other guy thinking that’s gonna make everything ok. It won’t....

 

I would also be cautious of him saying he’ll change when confronted with the reality of what’s about to happen. He may put in a little effort for a short while but really, change is very hard and chances are high that he’ll return to how he is once the waters have settled again. How many more years of your life are you willing to invest into this?

 

Divorce is horrible, hard and painful but some time alone (as in, single) will serve you much better in the long term*

 

Sorry for your situation.

 

Sending you strength for the journey ahead*

 

Carus*

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You need a divorce. Your marriage was over long, long time ago.

 

The children aren't happy, they can tell you two are not a couple, so why keep on?

 

You shouldn't have cheated though, even as sad as you might have been, you should have gotten divorced first.

Relationships born out of cheating never seem to have happy endings.

 

But seeing as things are going the way they are going, now is the time to divorce. You've got no reason to continue this sham of a marriage.

 

I got it, it's just hard to start the end. I told my mom just so she would be prepared or at least got her support. At first she did but along the way, she keeps trying to convince me to hold on to my marriage and be a forgiving wife. She lives far back home, I don't want her to be disappointed then get ill or anything as I cannot take care of her.

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Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. Time for you to take them and get out. Cheating is never the answer.

 

My neighbour is a single mom and whenever they have a family together with her sons' dad, they really are a family. As for us, we're still together but we just try to keep being away from each other. I feel so bad at my kids, they're super smart they must know what's going on. I'm just waiting until they get a little older to understand and relatively easier to deal with anxiety. I don't have any valid excuse to cheat, it's against whatever I believe. Trust me, it's so conflicting.

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I agree with the others. This ‘marriage’ has to end. Don’t worry about the kids, they’re more resilient than you may think.

 

And just note, I would be very, very cautious about falling into the arms of this other guy thinking that’s gonna make everything ok. It won’t....

 

I would also be cautious of him saying he’ll change when confronted with the reality of what’s about to happen. He may put in a little effort for a short while but really, change is very hard and chances are high that he’ll return to how he is once the waters have settled again. How many more years of your life are you willing to invest into this?

 

Divorce is horrible, hard and painful but some time alone (as in, single) will serve you much better in the long term*

 

Sorry for your situation.

 

Sending you strength for the journey ahead*

 

Carus*

 

Hi Carus, thanks for your comment.

You know I always believe that when you truly love someone, unconditionally, you won't need to change yourself or anything about that person because you two can just be yourself and still feel so comfortable with each other. That's very fundamental and I sadly learned about this loong after I'm married. All those years I thought we needed to adjust by changing ourselves into someone that our spouses might like. And you're absolutely right, the change has always been temporary. Loving should be effortless. Maybe that's too ideal but I learned a lot from this relationship and other successful relationships my friends have, without trying to compare, but they have that strong basic of finding each other as home. Which we don't.

 

I might be infatuated I can't think clearly with my head seeing someone else who offers me comfort and feelings I never had with anyone before. But thanks for the caution, I hate to admit it but you absolutely make sense.

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Sorry to hear this. Is this an arranged marriage where you are required to produce children or face the consequences? Are you in a culture/country that does not condone women working? If that is the case is fear why you are so passive in this?

 

Not an arranged marriage, I got married considerably pretty young and my parents were like oh he's the first guy that ever seems so serious to have a relationship with you so go get married next week. I was just trying to be compliant to my husband as stated by our religion and culture. The society we lived in was very ruling and judgemental so that it's almost impossible for a couple to have no children because once they get married, they MUST. And all the women in his family never worked or had a career outside family so he's really looking for up for them. Well the thing is those women are fully supported financially and emotionally by their husbands and they're raised for not having any talents at all so that they could be just housewives. Just the total opposite of me.

 

And no, I haven't been passive at all. I tried so many times to quit but as that many times too he tried to stop me and blaming me for always wanting to quit. Omg I've been so stupid I should just walk out the door with the kids and live at a hotel.

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Sorry this is happening. Is there a way you can seek counsel in your culture/religion with your religious or community leaders? It doesn't sound like walking out the door or divorce are options for you. It also sounds like you moved away from your culture and are now confused about what's around you and your traditions.

 

The advice you may get here is often from westernized women, so it may not apply to you or help you. Ask other women in your religion/culture what options they have for unhappy marriages or ask your religious leaders. In the US/Europe you can't "just walk out the door and stay in a motel", you have to get legally divorced or face all sorts of kidnapping and abandonment charges. Talk to your community leaders for viable options.

my parents were like oh he's the first guy that ever seems so serious to have a relationship with you so go get married next week. I was just trying to be compliant to my husband as stated by our religion and culture. The society we lived in was very ruling and judgemental so that it's almost impossible for a couple to have no children because once they get married, they MUST.
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Sorry this is happening. Is there a way you can seek counsel in your culture/religion with your religious or community leaders? It doesn't sound like walking out the door or divorce are options for you. It also sounds like you moved away from your culture and are now confused about what's around you and your traditions.

 

The advice you may get here is often from westernized women, so it may not apply to you or help you. Ask other women in your religion/culture what options they have for unhappy marriages or ask your religious leaders. In the US/Europe you can't "just walk out the door and stay in a motel", you have to get legally divorced or face all sorts of kidnapping and abandonment charges. Talk to your community leaders for viable options.

 

You made perfect sense of the things your pointed out. I know exactly what they'd say though, they would be against anything related to separation of a family regardless how unhappy I feel. Like I said, at the end it'll be my faults, I'm the one to put the blame on because I can't be the ideal housewife according to the religion and culture. I have no issue of being a wonderful, compliant housewife if I can just love my husband. Period. But thanks for your advice.

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If divorce is a viable option, then do it and do it specifically for the sake of the children. They are living in a toxic environment with two parents who basically can't stand each other and they feel the stress and the tension of that. They are not oblivious to the dysfunction of this and it's causing them life long harm because toxic is what's being modeled for them as an example of human relationships. They will be affected in their own relationships from this. Better to part ways and show them what happy parents and loving relationships look like, including that sometimes you have to make hard choices and leave what's not working out.

 

You aren't a bad person and likely neither is your husband. However, you both made the mistake of marrying each other while completely ignoring the glaring incompatibilities of who you are as people and how you envision marital life. You've both cheated on each other. That's a whole other can of worms, but let's say the relationship has been completely dead for a long long time. Incidentally, please stop cheating and then get a divorce and start your life clean.

 

Basically, your husband and his family are not your tribe, not your people and likewise, you and your family are not his tribe, not his people. Marriage is not about trying to change each other to be someone else, or about you becoming a compliant wife on par with a kitchen appliance, it's about finding mutual understanding and compatibility. You two have tried long enough to be clear that's not going to happen and probably never existed between you. You aren't alone in making this mistake, but don't keep compounding it. Free each other and show your children that there is better out there.

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If divorce is a viable option, then do it and do it specifically for the sake of the children. They are living in a toxic environment with two parents who basically can't stand each other and they feel the stress and the tension of that. They are not oblivious to the dysfunction of this and it's causing them life long harm because toxic is what's being modeled for them as an example of human relationships. They will be affected in their own relationships from this. Better to part ways and show them what happy parents and loving relationships look like, including that sometimes you have to make hard choices and leave what's not working out.

 

You aren't a bad person and likely neither is your husband. However, you both made the mistake of marrying each other while completely ignoring the glaring incompatibilities of who you are as people and how you envision marital life. You've both cheated on each other. That's a whole other can of worms, but let's say the relationship has been completely dead for a long long time. Incidentally, please stop cheating and then get a divorce and start your life clean.

 

Basically, your husband and his family are not your tribe, not your people and likewise, you and your family are not his tribe, not his people. Marriage is not about trying to change each other to be someone else, or about you becoming a compliant wife on par with a kitchen appliance, it's about finding mutual understanding and compatibility. You two have tried long enough to be clear that's not going to happen and probably never existed between you. You aren't alone in making this mistake, but don't keep compounding it. Free each other and show your children that there is better out there.

 

This must be the voice of my common sense. Thank you for bringing it up, DancingFool.

I agree 100% with you about the toxic environment we are now giving to our kids. They're the reason why I doubt -because of their vulnerability and being young to deal with so many changes already-, as well as the main reason why I need to leave this marriage because they deserve to feel that warmth, the love and affection like I once learned from my parents. No matter how hard I try to compensate or balance things off, this is just not a normal living situation for their emotional growth, indeed. And certainly not a healthy life for me as I can't help not to cry almost every night for no reason at all, other than just to clear my mind off then feel slightly better afterwards.

 

I will definitely put your thoughts on top of my consideration right now. This has been really helpful, all I need is a real action.

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What a spot-on post from DancingFool.

 

Many of us, on the journey of life, get involved with people who are wrong for us. And we try to force it—because of love, because of youth, because of cultural expectations, because of craggy human psychology. It happens. It is not a crime or a sin, but human folly, the best and most precious thing about ourselves—our vulnerability—slipping on a few banana peels. And sometimes these unions produce children. That's okay. Children are wonderful, and highly resilient. They respond much more positively to love than to social norms, and right now you are providing a jagged, highly limited example of love to your children—one that, from your own description, is not even love but a web of deceit. Free yourself of this—yourselves—so you can free them.

 

For what it's worth, one of the best things that ever happened to me—and it happened quite young, at age 5—was my mother leaving my father. It was a choice made out of love—of me, of herself, of reality over fantasy, truth over deceit. A wonderful model of human potential and fortitude that helped make me me. I love how I was raised. It set both a very high standard for love and very high standard for integrity. I've slipped on some banana peels myself—because, like you, your husband, and your children, I'm a human—but I've had a good inner magnet to right myself. No way that magnet would be what it is had my mother stayed in her marriage.

 

Hard times, I know. Action is scary—and yet, you've already taken action in your affair. I'm not going to harangue you for that, but you're wise enough to know it's not the action that will right the ship. It's just more waves in rocky waters. I say see all that for what it is, and take the needed steps to forgive yourself and move on, to stiller, calmer waters. Your kids will thank you later. You will thank you later.

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Sadly you are unwilling to improve or change your situation. You are cold and shut your husband out and he does the same to you. You talk a lot about "deserve" but not at all about doing anything to that end. You are 50% of the problem but refuse to help yourself, sadly.

The only thing that stops me from ending this marriage is our kids. I do care about him as the father of my kids but not more than that. I can always sign up for a counselling but I don’t know if it’s worth the effort if I can’t love him anymore.

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Sadly you are unwilling to improve or change your situation. You are cold and shut your husband out and he does the same to you. You talk a lot about "deserve" but not at all about doing anything to that end. You are 50% of the problem but refuse to help yourself, sadly.

 

I'm becoming his mirror, I do exactly what he does and I've been doing this for about 1.5 years after giving up all the efforts to make him be in love and lust with me. You're absolutely right and didn't I say I contributed as much to this broken relationship? It always takes two and I don't blame him for that because he has his own expectations and idealism of how a wife should be.

 

Who says for not willing to change my situation? That's all I'm thinking everyday and without the support from people who really matter to me that I'm doing the right thing to get what I really deserve, I'm just not that strong enough. I care much about the effect, people I potentially hurt, my mom, his family, they will be broken to see us apart. My mom understands that I haven't been happy but now she's trying every single day to make me love my husband by sending all those texts and quotes about marriages, taking his side that men are naturally like that so even if I quit, I'll still be dealing with the same situation in my next relationship, in a nutshell. You see, nobody in my circle tells me that it's ok for me to be unhappy and leave. Up until now, I still don't get the concept of self-love vs selfish. Because they're all the same. I can't love myself without being selfish.

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Perhaps with all the pressure you are getting from your family, you could go to therapy privately and confidentially instead to get better and location-relevant advice and viable options to improve your level of happiness alone or married.. That could be a step in the right direction instead of trying to force yourself to love your husband.

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I was somewhat like you at one time.

 

Staying for the sake of kids, until something changed and I realized I need to leave for the sake of the kids. I didn't want my sons to grow up and think it was ok for men to treat women like the their father treated me.

 

I wanted them to experience a strong, responsible and confident woman, but my ex wasn't having any part of it. My hope is my sons would choose their future partner wisely and treat their partner as their equal, not some one down, hysterical female, as my ex portrayed me anytime I opened my mouth.

 

I realized they were watching us and from my own experience with my own parents, I knew they would go on to replicate the example we were showing them.

 

I wanted better for them and yes, I was the bad guy, or I felt like one. But in the end my ex thanks for me for having raised two very good sons. His family, though his blood, understands why I did what I did. They will always stand by him, as it should be. But they understand.

 

It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but there are sometimes it's just necessary.

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When I started reading how bad it was I was wondering (like I usually do) when the mention of the other man would come up. To your credit I had to read almost to the bottom before the other shoe dropped. If you read enough of these stories they have the same feel. Bad marriage, been like this for years but nothing was done about it UNTIL the new person is in the picture. Then the marriage is even worse than it was before the cheating started to justify the cheating.

 

Step one is stop cheating, talking to, texting, sexting or any other form of communication UNTIL you have ended your marriage emotionally and legally AND then wait at least 6 month to a year before dating anyone so you can learn how to be the best single parent you can. Then you can start thinking about dating. Your guy on the side needs to do the same thing.

 

Betraying your spouse because you are unhappy is an excuse, not a reason. You should have ended the marriage long ago or not even got married to him so do the right thing for all involved.

 

PS There is always some guy willing to sleep with a married woman that is in a loveless marriage out there. Funny thing is most of the time their marriage is just fine and they have no intention or getting a divorce. It is just a story to get what they want, a side chick...

 

I know you don't love or respect your husband but you can at least respect yourself enough not to be a cheater.

 

Lost

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When I started reading how bad it was I was wondering (like I usually do) when the mention of the other man would come up. To your credit I had to read almost to the bottom before the other shoe dropped. If you read enough of these stories they have the same feel. Bad marriage, been like this for years but nothing was done about it UNTIL the new person is in the picture. Then the marriage is even worse than it was before the cheating started to justify the cheating.

 

Step one is stop cheating, talking to, texting, sexting or any other form of communication UNTIL you have ended your marriage emotionally and legally AND then wait at least 6 month to a year before dating anyone so you can learn how to be the best single parent you can. Then you can start thinking about dating. Your guy on the side needs to do the same thing.

 

Betraying your spouse because you are unhappy is an excuse, not a reason. You should have ended the marriage long ago or not even got married to him so do the right thing for all involved.

 

PS There is always some guy willing to sleep with a married woman that is in a loveless marriage out there. Funny thing is most of the time their marriage is just fine and they have no intention or getting a divorce. It is just a story to get what they want, a side chick...

 

I know you don't love or respect your husband but you can at least respect yourself enough not to be a cheater.

 

Lost

 

Well ideally to me, the new person should never exist or even thought of existing in a holy union in a form marriage. I'm still holding on to that belief and I respect it despite of what I'm doing right now. That's why I said how conflicting it is to me because I know when I truly love someone, I will not even bother turning my head when I see a cute guy. Or even a Brad Pitt in front of me. That feeling is just never there with my husband.

 

Thank you for sharing, I knew a comment like this would also appear when I mentioned at the very end about my affair. I won't need to defend myself as you're completely right.

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I was somewhat like you at one time.

 

Staying for the sake of kids, until something changed and I realized I need to leave for the sake of the kids. I didn't want my sons to grow up and think it was ok for men to treat women like the their father treated me.

 

I wanted them to experience a strong, responsible and confident woman, but my ex wasn't having any part of it. My hope is my sons would choose their future partner wisely and treat their partner as their equal, not some one down, hysterical female, as my ex portrayed me anytime I opened my mouth.

 

I realized they were watching us and from my own experience with my own parents, I knew they would go on to replicate the example we were showing them.

 

I wanted better for them and yes, I was the bad guy, or I felt like one. But in the end my ex thanks for me for having raised two very good sons. His family, though his blood, understands why I did what I did. They will always stand by him, as it should be. But they understand.

 

It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but there are sometimes it's just necessary.

 

Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. How long did it take for you to finally leave the relationship? And how old were the kids and how did they take it at first, then how long until they found stability and acceptance of the changes?

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Like war the first casualty of cheating is the truth. Interesting enough as many lies are told to oneself as to the spouse.

 

Your actions say you do not respect the vows of marriage or the promises you made. Cheaters lie to themselves first before anyone else and then continue to justify and deflect.

This will end ten times worse if you do not stop. Once your husband finds out (and he will) any chance of civility for the children will be reduced immensely. I always wonder how people explain to their children why it is okay to cheat.

 

I can see you will not stop cheating so I am not sure why you came here. Validation perhaps. In the end it was your choice to cheat and nothing we say will change that.

 

A crappy marriage has only two real types of medicine.

Intense counseling and commitment on both persons part to try and make it much better or Divorce.

 

Letting some other guy put his penis in you was never a solution...

 

Lost

Well ideally to me, the new person should never exist or even thought of existing in a holy union in a form marriage. I'm still holding on to that belief and I respect it despite of what I'm doing right now. That's why I said how conflicting it is to me because I know when I truly love someone, I will not even bother turning my head when I see a cute guy. Or even a Brad Pitt in front of me. That feeling is just never there with my husband.

 

Thank you for sharing, I knew a comment like this would also appear when I mentioned at the very end about my affair. I won't need to defend myself as you're completely right.

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