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Thread: Unhappily married

  1. #21
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    When I started reading how bad it was I was wondering (like I usually do) when the mention of the other man would come up. To your credit I had to read almost to the bottom before the other shoe dropped. If you read enough of these stories they have the same feel. Bad marriage, been like this for years but nothing was done about it UNTIL the new person is in the picture. Then the marriage is even worse than it was before the cheating started to justify the cheating.

    Step one is stop cheating, talking to, texting, sexting or any other form of communication UNTIL you have ended your marriage emotionally and legally AND then wait at least 6 month to a year before dating anyone so you can learn how to be the best single parent you can. Then you can start thinking about dating. Your guy on the side needs to do the same thing.

    Betraying your spouse because you are unhappy is an excuse, not a reason. You should have ended the marriage long ago or not even got married to him so do the right thing for all involved.

    PS There is always some guy willing to sleep with a married woman that is in a loveless marriage out there. Funny thing is most of the time their marriage is just fine and they have no intention or getting a divorce. It is just a story to get what they want, a side chick...

    I know you don't love or respect your husband but you can at least respect yourself enough not to be a cheater.

    Lost

  2. #22

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    Thank you bluecastle.
    You couldn't be more right and I really appreciate how you brought up from the perspective of a child who used to experience similar things.

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    When I started reading how bad it was I was wondering (like I usually do) when the mention of the other man would come up. To your credit I had to read almost to the bottom before the other shoe dropped. If you read enough of these stories they have the same feel. Bad marriage, been like this for years but nothing was done about it UNTIL the new person is in the picture. Then the marriage is even worse than it was before the cheating started to justify the cheating.

    Step one is stop cheating, talking to, texting, sexting or any other form of communication UNTIL you have ended your marriage emotionally and legally AND then wait at least 6 month to a year before dating anyone so you can learn how to be the best single parent you can. Then you can start thinking about dating. Your guy on the side needs to do the same thing.

    Betraying your spouse because you are unhappy is an excuse, not a reason. You should have ended the marriage long ago or not even got married to him so do the right thing for all involved.

    PS There is always some guy willing to sleep with a married woman that is in a loveless marriage out there. Funny thing is most of the time their marriage is just fine and they have no intention or getting a divorce. It is just a story to get what they want, a side chick...

    I know you don't love or respect your husband but you can at least respect yourself enough not to be a cheater.

    Lost
    Well ideally to me, the new person should never exist or even thought of existing in a holy union in a form marriage. I'm still holding on to that belief and I respect it despite of what I'm doing right now. That's why I said how conflicting it is to me because I know when I truly love someone, I will not even bother turning my head when I see a cute guy. Or even a Brad Pitt in front of me. That feeling is just never there with my husband.

    Thank you for sharing, I knew a comment like this would also appear when I mentioned at the very end about my affair. I won't need to defend myself as you're completely right.

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I was somewhat like you at one time.

    Staying for the sake of kids, until something changed and I realized I need to leave for the sake of the kids. I didn't want my sons to grow up and think it was ok for men to treat women like the their father treated me.

    I wanted them to experience a strong, responsible and confident woman, but my ex wasn't having any part of it. My hope is my sons would choose their future partner wisely and treat their partner as their equal, not some one down, hysterical female, as my ex portrayed me anytime I opened my mouth.

    I realized they were watching us and from my own experience with my own parents, I knew they would go on to replicate the example we were showing them.

    I wanted better for them and yes, I was the bad guy, or I felt like one. But in the end my ex thanks for me for having raised two very good sons. His family, though his blood, understands why I did what I did. They will always stand by him, as it should be. But they understand.

    It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but there are sometimes it's just necessary.
    Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. How long did it take for you to finally leave the relationship? And how old were the kids and how did they take it at first, then how long until they found stability and acceptance of the changes?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Like war the first casualty of cheating is the truth. Interesting enough as many lies are told to oneself as to the spouse.

    Your actions say you do not respect the vows of marriage or the promises you made. Cheaters lie to themselves first before anyone else and then continue to justify and deflect.
    This will end ten times worse if you do not stop. Once your husband finds out (and he will) any chance of civility for the children will be reduced immensely. I always wonder how people explain to their children why it is okay to cheat.

    I can see you will not stop cheating so I am not sure why you came here. Validation perhaps. In the end it was your choice to cheat and nothing we say will change that.

    A crappy marriage has only two real types of medicine.
    Intense counseling and commitment on both persons part to try and make it much better or Divorce.

    Letting some other guy put his penis in you was never a solution...

    Lost
    Originally Posted by Alexis09
    Well ideally to me, the new person should never exist or even thought of existing in a holy union in a form marriage. I'm still holding on to that belief and I respect it despite of what I'm doing right now. That's why I said how conflicting it is to me because I know when I truly love someone, I will not even bother turning my head when I see a cute guy. Or even a Brad Pitt in front of me. That feeling is just never there with my husband.

    Thank you for sharing, I knew a comment like this would also appear when I mentioned at the very end about my affair. I won't need to defend myself as you're completely right.

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Like war the first casualty of cheating is the truth. Interesting enough as many lies are told to oneself as to the spouse.

    Your actions say you do not respect the vows of marriage or the promises you made. Cheaters lie to themselves first before anyone else and then continue to justify and deflect.
    This will end ten times worse if you do not stop. Once your husband finds out (and he will) any chance of civility for the children will be reduced immensely. I always wonder how people explain to their children why it is okay to cheat.

    I can see you will not stop cheating so I am not sure why you came here. Validation perhaps. In the end it was your choice to cheat and nothing we say will change that.

    A crappy marriage has only two real types of medicine.
    Intense counseling and commitment on both persons part to try and make it much better or Divorce.

    Letting some other guy put his penis in you was never a solution...

    Lost
    I'm not any better than my husband, we're both bad people and I'm doing exactly what he was doing years ago. I wonder if he will be as "forgiving" as I was when I found out about his affair then. See, told you, we're so not qualified parents raising innocent children with so much hatred and revenge. The reason I came was to get more judgemental voices like yours in my life so that I'll feel better justifying my wrongdoings.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Alexis09
    The reason I came was to get more judgemental voices like yours in my life so that I'll feel better justifying my wrongdoings.
    Can you explain this? You want harsh judgement, so you can feel awful, so you can continue justifying what you're doing to allow yourself to feel awful? Did I read that right?

    Look, it's about the easiest thing in the world to make a few lousy choices and go "Yeah, I'm a bad person." Then you get to fulfill that prophecy by being bad, even worse, and the rock rolls down the hill, gathering moss.

    Skip that, I say, or try something different. I don't know how young you were when you married, or how hold your kids are, but I'm going to guess you're somewhere in the ballpark of mid-30s? If so, that means your life is still very much just beginning. That is fact—knocking on some wood to keep certain catastrophic scenarios at bay—which means you have all sorts of agency to decide how you want to live it and who you want to see when you look in the mirror.

    Your life station right now, while complicated and fraught, is not the story of you or or him being "bad people." Just people bad for each other, and who have each made some bad choices as a result. A series of new choices can create a new story.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Listen, you are going to get all kinds of flack from random strangers online for cheating, and normally, I'd have some harsh words for you. However, sometimes life isn't that black and white. Your husband cheated and might well still be cheating given some of his behavior. Your marriage was dead before it ever began and you both said "I do", due to your personal incompatibilities.

    I kind of have personal sympathy for you because I've sort of been in your shoes while in college. I don't mean cheating, but meeting and dating quite a few men who seemed adamantly oblivious to the idea that a woman who is seeking a doctoral degree isn't housewife material and won't be a housewife. I think in some ways I was lucky that their true attitudes came out before things got serious, as in marriage and children. You were not so lucky and married that sort of a man.

    It really just goes back to not your tribe, not your people.

    As for your mom, honestly, your parents worry about you and their big blinding fear is how will you make it, pay your bills, etc, etc, etc, IF you aren't with a man, any man. Fear isn't logical or rational. On the one hand, she no doubt knows full well that you are professional, well employed, capable, etc, etc, etc. On the other hand she is a few generations behind present times where it was more heavily emphasized that a woman cannot survive without a man. Either turn a bit of a blind eye to it, or simply sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her, alleviate her fears and ask for her support for what you need to do. Tell her directly that what she is doing isn't helpful to you.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. How long did it take for you to finally leave the relationship? And how old were the kids and how did they take it at first, then how long until they found stability and acceptance of the changes?

    I took two years of off and on marriage counseling, me going to individual counseling and trying to work things out. Things continued to get worse and when he realized he couldn't push my buttons anymore, he started getting to me by using the boys. I had no idea when to end it or what to do, but the moment he hurt the boys to get at me, my decision was clear and I didn't look back. It was like a light switch moment for me.

    They were 9 and 13.

    How long did it take? I don't think you ever reach an end point in the process. You just subtly get used to changes and it just becomes your new normal. My ex wasn't home much and gone for days at a time for work, so the adjustment to having him gone was partly a formality.

    Not to minimize the experience, but you asked how long until the boys found stability? The divorce hurt them, but the stability got better in a lot of ways when their father moved out. The tension was gone, mom eventually was happier and when they did see their dad, they got all of him. Not just the part time, fun dad. If there was a gift in all of this, they got more of their dad post-divorce than they ever did when we were together.

  11. 10-17-2019, 12:22 AM

  12. #30

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    Originally Posted by lovestruckgy
    Alexis09, Your situation is not abnormal. Its ound sto me like he is failing to see the value in the relationship. I don't want to give a long-winded reply if you have decided to give up on the relationship. But I believe your relationship can be salvaged. It will take work, but if you want him to invest in the relationship then you should make him feel valued, that he is important to you, that you want to rest things and start fresh. Every man has an obsession that we hide, it is to be a provider, to be needed. Enough for now. Reach out to me if you would like more information. Don't give up, have faith, and learn the techniques to spark the fire back into the relationship. I hope this helps.
    Thank you, I really appreciate it.

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