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Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?


TimeToGrowUp

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I'll try to keep this to the point as best I can.

 

I'm currently in Week 5 of the split with a co-worker of mine. We were instantly drawn to each other, dated for nearly five months, but it felt longer than that due to the build up the five or six months before it. The breakup centers around the fact that I didn't make more time for her. Granted, there were some flags there that caused me to hesitate, but sometimes I focused too much on the "what might happen at work" if it were ever to go south. This caused some feet dragging on my part.

 

Since I'm guilty of taking her for granted I felt it best to NOT go no contact - which would reinforce her belief that I didn't care as much as she did. I kept it light every 2-3 days via text or Instagram and at times made gestures I wish I had prior. We had moments where she'd open up a bit and flirt with me the way she used to. At one point she told me we could talk things out some more. Week 4 I felt we had a major breakthrough. She was coming by her sister's desk (who sits in front of my on my new team) and flirting with me. She asked me to have lunch with her twice. One of the days she even asked if she could come sit by me and help her with her casework. The irony is it wasn't anything she really needed my help with, but I liked the gesture. She even saw an invite I had for a team outing (at her sister's house) and basically invited herself as my +1.

 

Thursday night of Week 4 she was set to flight out to Seattle so I called her up to wish her a fun trip. It felt good, it was light and fun. She thanked me for the call. I expected not to hear from her the whole trip, but surprisingly enough she texted me her first morning there. She was letting me know about the cat they had at the house she was staying. On the surface seemed benign, but it let me know she was thinking of me (she loves my cat). We joked around for about an hour then I let her be. By Saturday I noticed she posted some quote about letting things go that weren't meant for you. She had also not been watching any of my IG videos like she normally does. Then I made the mistake - I texted her about the people I was having dinner with were ironically from Seattle and it made me think of her.

 

She basically laughed at it and asked why. I said I missed her. She then said she was drunk and that she might do something unflattering which is a callback to an episode we had this summer that she originally cried/begged me to forgive her for. I told her we already talked about this multiple times and she acted like I didn't know what I was talking about. I sent her the screenshots and she replied "a little late dont ya think?" with a frustrated emoji. I then naively respond "Depends on who's asking, but if you want me to continue eating sh- for it fine. Doesn't change what I texted, have a good night." Really moronic response from me. Week 4 went from major progress to feeling like square one again. I spent Week 5 entirely in no contact to give her some space and because I was kind of pissed she threw that summer incident in my face. Looking back on that incident deep down I know she was a sloppy mess because she had been harboring vulnerability of us not taking the next step.

 

At the moment I don't know how to approach this. She is supposed to be my +1 this weekend, but I haven't confirmed with her yet (was thinking of calling her tonight). I also feel like I need to address the "I miss you". I meant well by it, but honestly it's a selfish statement to make. It comes off as though I'm trying to make it about my feelings again when she was the one who spent almost 5 months chasing me. She did come by her sister's desk this morning. She was acting somewhat awkward, but when I walked back from the copier I gave her a big smile. I could tell she wasn't sure whether to make eye contact with me, but eventually she looked up and waved. I would assume that she wouldn't have come by at all if my "I miss you moment" was still pissing her off.

 

Thoughts? The worst part about this is not only do I feel the loss romantically, I feel I lost my best friend too.

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Curious about those "red flags" that caused you to hesitate. Care to expound?

 

It's hard, reading your post, to really understand why you want to get back together with her. The decoding of emojis, the gauging of things through Instagram—it sounds like a pretty shallow connection if you're turning to those tea leaves for answers. I mean, are you even sure you want to be back together with this woman, or are you just really sure you don't want to be broken up with her? There is a difference.

 

Five month isn't that long. Yeah, you can spin it another way, that it felt longer because x and y, but still: it is only five months of your time on the planet. They sound kind of dramatic, and if your text exchanges are a clue, they don't quite sound like they brought out a mature, respectful side of either of you. And, alas, they led to you guys not working. Odds are if something isn't sticking pretty hard at five months it means it's just not sticky enough.

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Curious about those "red flags" that caused you to hesitate. Care to expound?

 

For one, she was only technically "separated" from her ex-husband for 2 years while we dated. Ironically when I said "it's done" back in September, little did I know three days later she was going to finalize the divorce. I now realize she had already begun pulling away a couple of weeks prior. The other thing is that that experience (which lasted 9 years) clearly still weighed on her. Then the very first relationship she got into after it was a complete nightmare - the kind that scar people deeply. She followed that up with a roommate that needed a restraining order placed on him. I never got a sense that she was still being proactive about healing and charting out her life, moreso using certain things to distract herself and her anxiety. The thing is though, I never sat her down to probe about these things, I just didn't know how to given how sensitive the whole issue was.

 

It's hard, reading your post, to really understand why you want to get back together with her. The decoding of emojis, the gauging of things through Instagram—it sounds like a pretty shallow connection if you're turning to those tea leaves for answers. I mean, are you even sure you want to be back together with this woman, or are you just really sure you don't want to be broken up with her? There is a difference.

 

Five month isn't that long. Yeah, you can spin it another way, that it felt longer because x and y, but still: it is only five months of your time on the planet. They sound kind of dramatic, and if your text exchanges are a clue, they don't quite sound like they brought out a mature, respectful side of either of you. And, alas, they led to you guys not working. Odds are if something isn't sticking pretty hard at five months it means it's just not sticky enough.

 

It is most definitely shallow right now aside from the in-person interactions during Week 4, her asking to be my +1, and a couple of other messages we exchanged over these last 5 weeks. There's simply not enough time to break all those conversations down. That text exchange two Saturday nights ago was definitely awful for both of us. But then again she's the one who feels she put in a ton of effort and didn't get the same out of it. Me saying I missed her doesn't matter right now she wanted to her it well before. I can imagine how frustrated that might make someone feel.

 

Your question about why? At her core she's a beautiful soul. A lover of animals, great with kids, and lights up a room. She was 100% supportive of me and always in my corner when I was down. It's like I've known her all of my life and the connection was effortless. She was my best friend. I met her at a weird time though. Work was killing me - the level of stress I felt there was unbearable and I felt extremely underappreciated. I've also been managing my parents fighting for the last 20 years, which lately has deteriorated to nightmarish levels. In August for the second time in less than two years I've had to manage kidney failure for one of my pets. It ripped a scab open that wasn't yet fully healed from the last one. Battling something like that (where no matter what you can't win) puts you in a weird head space sometimes.

 

This whole experience though has made me realize that I've been keeping too safe a distance with people - even the ones I care deeply for. I'm ashamed at how I've avidly been trying to avoid another round of disappointment in life. Yet here it is anyway.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like in these five years you've left no stone unturned and have tried and considered everything. The situation was fraught with problems from the start but you gave it your best shot. Take this time to reflect and breathe and give yourself some peace. Also don't let parents make you their combat dumping ground. tell each of them "they need to go to marital therapy" then change the subject and be very very busy.

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I get the impression that what she brought to the table was just "too much" for you. We meet people when we meet them, and in this case you met someone who was two years separated, with a roommate scenario and recent relationship buzzing in the rear view mirror. You say it "clearly weighed on her," which may be true, but I think it was you for whom that weight was too much.

 

That's okay. That's probably healthy, hesitation triggered by intuition. There are often such questions in early dating, and part of exploring things is to see if those questions soften or sharpen. If they sharpen—not good. If they soften—good. In other words, I don't think the "weight" another caries is a thing we're supposed to "probe" or see if we can hold without breaking; it's more like we see if we can be comfortable and open alongside it—if we can "handle" that weight by just being ourselves.

 

Bottom line: it sounds like she's in a place, and making some choices, that limit your ability to respect her and respect yourself while investing in her. Without respect—which is an organic thing, not a state we "work" or "probe" to achieve—a connection can't deepen and expand. Too many jagged edges—which are interesting, for sure, but they do scrape. It's worth exploring the question of whether you're partly drawn to this because a part of you doesn't really think it could work. There is a certain safety in that approach—it never becomes real, your life never really has to change—but there are major limitations, especially if you're wanting and open to a genuinely life-changing connection.

 

In your shoes I'd take some time to yourself, to really allow your feelings to surface and get sorted. Sounds like you're in a pretty reactive state right now while needing some more reflection. Reflection is impossible when our brains are focused on emojis, on Instagram story views, and you're old enough to know that no one stands at the altar and tells the story of how a "rough patch" was smoothed out through IG codebreaking.

 

Sorry for your animal troubles. Lost my furry compatriot of 18 years earlier this year. Know how deep that can cut.

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I get the impression that what she brought to the table was just "too much" for you. We meet people when we meet them, and in this case you met someone who was two years separated, with a roommate scenario and recent relationship buzzing in the rear view mirror. You say it "clearly weighed on her," which may be true, but I think it was you for whom that weight was too much.

 

That's okay. That's probably healthy, hesitation triggered by intuition. There are often such questions in early dating, and part of exploring things is to see if those questions soften or sharpen. If they sharpen—not good. If they soften—good. In other words, I don't think the "weight" another caries is a thing we're supposed to "probe" or see if we can hold without breaking; it's more like we see if we can be comfortable and open alongside it—if we can "handle" that weight by just being ourselves.

 

Bottom line: it sounds like she's in a place, and making some choices, that limit your ability to respect her and respect yourself while investing in her. Without respect—which is an organic thing, not a state we "work" or "probe" to achieve—a connection can't deepen and expand. Too many jagged edges—which are interesting, for sure, but they do scrape. It's worth exploring the question of whether you're partly drawn to this because a part of you doesn't really think it could work. There is a certain safety in that approach—it never becomes real, your life never really has to change—but there are major limitations, especially if you're wanting and open to a genuinely life-changing connection.

 

In your shoes I'd take some time to yourself, to really allow your feelings to surface and get sorted. Sounds like you're in a pretty reactive state right now while needing some more reflection. Reflection is impossible when our brains are focused on emojis, on Instagram story views, and you're old enough to know that no one stands at the altar and tells the story of how a "rough patch" was smoothed out through IG codebreaking.

 

Sorry for your animal troubles. Lost my furry compatriot of 18 years earlier this year. Know how deep that can cut.

 

I appreciate this post of yours a lot btw.

 

The weight of her recent experiences affected both of us. She's been very open how much so in her case and she insisted that had I just made more time for her the layers of her awkwardness would've peeled back more. The choice of hers I struggled to fully respect is her dependency on smoking weed all the time to cope. But who am I to judge that? What she went through between her failed marriage and then the ensuing rebound relationship is something no woman should ever have to experience. Alas I have a father who's got severe substance abuse problems and ironically so does she. That scares me. I bet you right now she's not really feeling any of the weight I am because she's self-soothing like she normally does.

 

She does have a lot going on and in the past I always found myself being very hard-lined about not trying to push thru any red flags. So I struggled as to whether it was intuition or my standard stubborn approach. My mother always preaches to me that it's not about finding someone who's their perfect self right now - it's about growing a life and helping each other. I drifted a bit about midway thru everything while we were dating because of some of the jagged edges, but I was also going through my own mental crap as I mentioned. I wasn't ready to quit on us though.

 

Ya, I'm not going to the lie the loss of my first pet from Kidney failure (which was 5 months before I met her) really messed me up. I felt like such a failure and couldn't talk openly about it for fear of being judged. A lot of people are weird about that stuff - oh it's just a pet! They don't understand that he was my comfort blanket for many years when friends were being really sh*tty and disappearing from my life. Then it happened again three months into us dating. I can't even begin to describe to you the mental hangover it brought on.

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I agree generally with the others. It's relatively early doors and if somethings not working at 5 months it's not going to last 5 years.

 

How old is she? I noticed that you are 40 but when i initially read it and the way you communicate between each other i believed that you were both under 25s. Something not quite right with it.

 

I'd suggest that you potentially are not in the right frame of mind to be dating at all currently. It sounds like you have a lot to struggle with which i am sorry to hear about. I would forget about her, for now at the very least, and just remain civil and professional at work of course.

 

Personally im also a little confused about something. You mentioned she had an episode in ther summer but you are seeking her forgiveness for that? I don't understand sorry.

 

 

All being said i personally would walk away from the romantic side of this, just write it off as a learning experience and move on. It sounds a lot of drama and squabbling for 5 months. There is something missing between you 2 and i can't work out what it is. The whole thing screams miscommunication but it also feels liek there's more. Sorry i can't be of more help.

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I agree generally with the others. It's relatively early doors and if somethings not working at 5 months it's not going to last 5 years.

 

How old is she? I noticed that you are 40 but when i initially read it and the way you communicate between each other i believed that you were both under 25s. Something not quite right with it.

 

I'd suggest that you potentially are not in the right frame of mind to be dating at all currently. It sounds like you have a lot to struggle with which i am sorry to hear about. I would forget about her, for now at the very least, and just remain civil and professional at work of course.

 

Personally im also a little confused about something. You mentioned she had an episode in ther summer but you are seeking her forgiveness for that? I don't understand sorry.

 

 

All being said i personally would walk away from the romantic side of this, just write it off as a learning experience and move on. It sounds a lot of drama and squabbling for 5 months. There is something missing between you 2 and i can't work out what it is. The whole thing screams miscommunication but it also feels liek there's more. Sorry i can't be of more help.

 

There's nearly a 10 year age gap between us. What specifically about how her and I communicate though? At the end of the day I will say what did this in was the lack of communication where/when it mattered. We let it linger until the very end. In one of our post-split chats, we both admitted we feared being disappointed again.

 

There wasn't really any squabbling outside of the "summer incident" though. Any squabbles have been after the split. That day I showed up to meet her out at the bars she was a hot mess. I won't get into the long end of it, but her behavior was not very flattering and after 3-4 hours of it I basically said her and her friends need to go home, that I'm too old for that kind of thing. She tried calling me all night and then we finally talked the next day. She cried profusely and begged me not to judge her for it. We moved on from it, but the mistake I made was never giving her a chance again to be out with me in that element. Yet now, she clings to that moment and clearly has some resentment about it.

 

This situation is bigger than her in a lot of ways. It made me realize the safe distance and non-committal ways I've been keeping with people absolutely has to stop. As far as work relations, I've kept it perfectly civil and that's not something that's going to change. We still interact with each other, it's impossible not to when she comes over here to talk to her sister who sits right in front of me.

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Thank you for the clarification.

 

It sounds like you are both constantly scared almost of upsetting the other or fearing saying something the other person won't like. That is not a good thing at all in a relationship. Chances are that if you got back together this would resume sooner rather than later. It should be a natural thing to happen but for some reason, despite the clear love you have/had for each other, it's not there. This suggests something deep rooted and problematic with either or both of you.

 

Regarding the episode why did you not allow her to get drunk aorund you again. It sounds like she's learnt her lesson there. She probably does resent you. If you will not allow her to relax and let her hair down she probably feels shes being constantly judged by you and again out of fear she's changing something about her. OK, she should not get absolutely hammered but controlled drinking is usually ok.

 

It's good that you have seen some of the issues you have within and now you can work on fixing them and improving yourself. As things stand now i'm sorry to say that if you got back together as things are i don't think they would last long.

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I'll be more blunt than usual in my assessment.

 

You're 40, she's 30. The fabric of her life, thus far, is not fabric you can lean into with any genuine comfort. You know this, and probably knew it right from the start. Yet you're still torn, which is human, but that conflict really has little to do with her and more to do with you—some knots you need to address and untangle, because I think a not insignificant portion of you (dad stuff here, more stuff there) is pulling the strings in ways that don't really serve you. You're a bit more drawn to the project of this person than her personhood, which generally means you'd be better off tinkering with yourself than with the sharp pieces of another.

 

I mean, you are 100 percent allowed to "judge" someone who opts to deal with life through smoking weed as someone who doesn't work for you. Wouldn't work for me, and I've got a super lax attitude about that stuff. Still, throw me a curveball and I'm not lighting up or pouring a drink; no, that's when I get tall in the trenches, pouring the wine after the battle. I need a similar approach from anyone I commit to. I've tried other modes—pulled here and there by my own knots. Didn't work. At this point in my life—we're the same age—I'm more interested in things that work than in trying to work through that which I spiritually understand is unworkable.

 

Keep exploring those "non-committal" ways and "safe" distances. If there's a lesson from these five months, it might be that "safe" is not really safe, but dangerous. Here you are, after all, hung up on someone you know is dangerous. You don't quite trust that she can handle the business of living. Maybe she figures that out, maybe not. That's not your job as a partner. Sympathy and love are not the same things, you know?

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Thank you for the clarification.

 

It sounds like you are both constantly scared almost of upsetting the other or fearing saying something the other person won't like. That is not a good thing at all in a relationship. Chances are that if you got back together this would resume sooner rather than later. It should be a natural thing to happen but for some reason, despite the clear love you have/had for each other, it's not there. This suggests something deep rooted and problematic with either or both of you.

 

Regarding the episode why did you not allow her to get drunk aorund you again. It sounds like she's learnt her lesson there. She probably does resent you. If you will not allow her to relax and let her hair down she probably feels shes being constantly judged by you and again out of fear she's changing something about her. OK, she should not get absolutely hammered but controlled drinking is usually ok.

 

It's good that you have seen some of the issues you have within and now you can work on fixing them and improving yourself. As things stand now i'm sorry to say that if you got back together as things are i don't think they would last long.

 

It was a stubborn choice on my part, but I just felt it wasn't a healthy environment and I let that reaction stick too long.

 

As far as "resuming the same old behavior" a lot of people on boards like these share that same opinion. It depends on the kind of person you're talking about. I'm committed to making changes - the question is whether she'll be around for them.

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I'll be more blunt than usual in my assessment.

 

You're 40, she's 30. The fabric of her life, thus far, is not fabric you can lean into with any genuine comfort. You know this, and probably knew it right from the start. Yet you're still torn, which is human, but that conflict really has little to do with her and more to do with you—some knots you need to address and untangle, because I think a not insignificant portion of you (dad stuff here, more stuff there) is pulling the strings in ways that don't really serve you. You're a bit more drawn to the project of this person than her personhood, which generally means you'd be better off tinkering with yourself than with the sharp pieces of another.

 

I mean, you are 100 percent allowed to "judge" someone who opts to deal with life through smoking weed as someone who doesn't work for you. Wouldn't work for me, and I've got a super lax attitude about that stuff. Still, throw me a curveball and I'm not lighting up or pouring a drink; no, that's when I get tall in the trenches, pouring the wine after the battle. I need a similar approach from anyone I commit to. I've tried other modes—pulled here and there by my own knots. Didn't work. At this point in my life—we're the same age—I'm more interested in things that work than in trying to work through that which I spiritually understand is unworkable.

 

Keep exploring those "non-committal" ways and "safe" distances. If there's a lesson from these five months, it might be that "safe" is not really safe, but dangerous. Here you are, after all, hung up on someone you know is dangerous. You don't quite trust that she can handle the business of living. Maybe she figures that out, maybe not. That's not your job as a partner. Sympathy and love are not the same things, you know?

 

Handling the business of living was the perfect way to coin it and you are giving some of the most raw advice I've gotten from anyone. But I do feel a lot of guilt about judging it and struggle with the idea that it outweighed my underlying feelings for her. I can't even begin to understand what she experiences on a day-to-day basis and of course my mind keeps wandering to her insistence that all it took was for me to spend more time with her.

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But I do feel a lot of guilt about judging it and struggle with the idea that it outweighed my underlying feelings for her.

 

Where do you think that guilt comes from? Stabbing in the dark, I’d at least ask yourself how much your feelings for her are connected to her difficulty handling the business of living, rather than think of those two things as opposing forces. That one thing she offers you is someone to “help” and “support”—and, by extension, make the business of being you a bit more palatable, in some ways, and that your guilt may be connected to that paradigm.

 

A paradigm, alas, that never quite worked anyway. Your core you was hesitant, because the broken-winged bird, while compelling and a trigger for compelling feelings, can only fly so far—and you can only fly so high by attaching your wings to broken wings. Are you scared to flying high? Do you not think you are “worthy” of such flight? Questions worth asking.

 

My ex was a lot younger than me, and her favorite form of therapy and self-work tended to be rolled in papers, lit on fire, and inhaled—just to give you a sense of where any of this raw advice may be coming from. That relationship was important to me—helped nudge the compass in a new direction, toward those who can handle the business of living without me rather than those who “needed” me to (i.e. to spend “just a little more time”) to handle it.

 

To get there I had to spend some time with myself. Had to let go of some misshapen self-conception that I struggled with the business of living, and learn to look in the mirror and see someone whose approach to life I respected.

 

Not sure if any of that rings any bells, but I’ll toss it out there in the hopes it does.

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It was a stubborn choice on my part, but I just felt it wasn't a healthy environment and I let that reaction stick too long.

 

As far as "resuming the same old behavior" a lot of people on boards like these share that same opinion. It depends on the kind of person you're talking about. I'm committed to making changes - the question is whether she'll be around for them.

 

That's good to hear. Even if nothing comes out of trying to get back together you can use this kind of experience to better yourself - always.

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Where do you think that guilt comes from? Stabbing in the dark, I’d at least ask yourself how much your feelings for her are connected to her difficulty handling the business of living, rather than think of those two things as opposing forces. That one thing she offers you is someone to “help” and “support”—and, by extension, make the business of being you a bit more palatable, in some ways, and that your guilt may be connected to that paradigm.

 

A paradigm, alas, that never quite worked anyway. Your core you was hesitant, because the broken-winged bird, while compelling and a trigger for compelling feelings, can only fly so far—and you can only fly so high by attaching your wings to broken wings. Are you scared to flying high? Do you not think you are “worthy” of such flight? Questions worth asking.

 

My ex was a lot younger than me, and her favorite form of therapy and self-work tended to be rolled in papers, lit on fire, and inhaled—just to give you a sense of where any of this raw advice may be coming from. That relationship was important to me—helped nudge the compass in a new direction, toward those who can handle the business of living without me rather than those who “needed” me to (i.e. to spend “just a little more time”) to handle it.

 

To get there I had to spend some time with myself. Had to let go of some misshapen self-conception that I struggled with the business of living, and learn to look in the mirror and see someone whose approach to life I respected.

 

Not sure if any of that rings any bells, but I’ll toss it out there in the hopes it does.

 

Sounds like your experience parallels mine, so you understand what I'm going thru - whereas everyone else's experience are so different they don't quite understand.

 

It's not so much help/support. She truly was my best friend, as well as someone I was romantically into and it's not easy to find both. Mind you my life has been void of a best friend (long story behind that). I still remember the first time we bonded over our stories about caring for our terminally ill pets. It was like I was staring into the eyes of someone I've known for years. Initially I had never been so dialed into someone and focused.

 

The guilt I feel stems from the idea I didn't give her a real chance. I left her feeling very vulnerable, like she was throwing herself at me. I mean think about all she went thru and yet she was willing to put it out there with me. The times she'd hint to me that she gets lonely living alone and I didn't run with it as an opportunity to spend more time. I mean sure we saw each other all day long at work and we hung out once a weekend - but that's not enough to progress. Instead I worried more about what would happen with the work dynamic if it went south so I took it really slowly. Mind you I already had a target on my back to begin with when a jealous female co-worked filed a phony HR complaint against me because of my affections. Then after our first month and a half some of the warts started showing - my palm then extended outward pressed deliberately against her forehead. I wasn't ready to feel another let down, especially after the feelings I was developing.

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I hear you. Step back far enough and this is a story of bad timing, even just a bad match. An old story, a bitter story, but a very true, universal, and human one.

 

What I hope you can come to see is that you did give it a "real" chance. You both did. You brought to the table the best versions of yourselves, tried to make a meal. That's all you ever get. Sometimes the meal isn't filling enough, because sometimes the best version another brings out in us is not quite our best, and/or vise versa.

 

This meal sounds like it was never quite filling or nourishing enough for either of you—and, frankly, the person you are describing does not sound "full" enough on her own to be anything but insatiable to be filled up from another. That can be a compelling energy to feed off, if also a feral one. Maybe you held back a bit, which is allowed, but it's also hard for me not to see you "giving all" and her still saying, directly or indirectly, "not enough." That's kind of where she is, right now, in life, from what you've offered.

 

How do I say this gently? What you are describing as wildly complex circumstances of her life strike me as pretty basic: marriages fail, roommates get weird, we end up dating weirdos for a bit. That is not Nagasaki, but adulthood: things adults deal with, in a variety of ways, from getting stoned to getting rich to falling in love left and right.

 

But that part is her story, not yours. I'm not saying don't sympathize with it, but that there are real limitations to building romantic partnership through sympathy. Where there are less limitations? Building through respect, which means investing in people who are in place in life that you basically have no option but to respect. You respect them in the same way you like the shape of their body: it just is, not a mental exercise.

 

I mean, let's say you bit at every I'm-lonely "opportunity." Well, then you would have cast yourself in the role as loneliness-abater, her in the role of Ms. Lonely, validating some pretty weird shades of yourselves, turning yourselves into thin slivers, and creating a strained dynamic. In trying to avoid that, probably instinctually and intuitively, another form of strain occurred. Bad timing, bad match: that sad, old story. If it was all workable—well, then it would be working and you wouldn't be reading this.

 

I'd take a moment to figure out what you want, for real. Do you want someone who is so lonely that they need you to tend to them? Or do you want someone who can stand on her own two feet in a way you admire, and can stand alongside?

 

Yes, I've had to ask those questions. I've had to ask them because, in the past, I've said one thing (two feet!) while ending up in another (so lonely!). Asking those questions, for me, was a worthwhile journey. I think I came to stand a little taller in my own shoes, and suddenly found myself chasing something else—truly—in romance. The things that didn't work were easier to let go of, because I wanted something that would work rather than something to work on.

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Hey everyone, I figured I'd take a moment to update this.

 

She stood me up on Saturday (our first planned hangout in nearly 2 months), but during the call later that night when I demanded explanation - the gravity of the situation finally revealed itself. She had been going through horrific PTSD the entire day. On the call it was as if I was taken to the original moment of the trauma inflicted by her ex-boyfriend. The pain, the tears, the self-hate all revealed themselves. This girl is broken, alone, and doesn't know what to do with her anger. I've honestly never experienced anything quite like that with anyone.

 

I look back at everything I wrote and realize it was stated through the wrong optics. I wasn't dating a regular girl. I was dating a survivor of a horrific sexual assault. This isn't about No Contact rules or ex-back strategies. I spent nearly five months being naive about her experience and treating her red flags as though it was just some girl acting a fool. I had no understanding of her triggers or just how bad her PTSD really was. My own avoidance became a trigger because of how much she hoped I was going to be a difference maker in her life after all she had been through. It's a reminder that I've been living my life distant and selfish.

 

But I can't be too hard on myself. I've never dated anyone who's experienced what she has and I definitely can't save her. She let me know on Monday that she needs to work on herself right now and heal the toxic anger ruining her life. I let her know that deep down as much as I want a relationship with her I'm not asking for one and that right now I'm here to support her in any way she needs it. I think those words finally made her see who I really am at my core, no matter how distant I was when we dated. I've begun educating myself on survivors of sexual assault to gain an even greater understanding and will continue to do so. In the process I feel like a real healing is taking place for both of us and our interactions have never felt more sincere.

 

This is just who I am as a person - doesn't matter if we're dating - I can't turn my back on her after what I heard on that frantic call. I would hope she would do the same for me if the shoe were on the other foot.

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Unless I've missed something and you are professionally trained you won't be able to help her.

 

I have PTSD and it needs specialist treatment. No one could help me even the people who tried. I would keep my distance and let her get through this with the proper care her condition deserves and that's from direct experience.

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Unless I've missed something and you are professionally trained you won't be able to help her.

 

I have PTSD and it needs specialist treatment. No one could help me even the people who tried. I would keep my distance and let her get through this with the proper care her condition deserves and that's from direct experience.

 

My support of her has nothing to do with helping/saving her. That's simply not possible. But her loneliness is clearly part of her triggers right now and she needs to know that there are people who support her.

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She's not your wife. Its not like you've been in each others lives as LIFEmates and you are supporting her in sickness and in health. Period. You really shouldn't put your emotional self on the line. By distancing yourself and letting her get the PROFESSIONAL help she needs to overcome her trauma, you are protecting both of you from further hurt. Leave her be and if she wants to hear from you, give her the gift of letting her contact you which will be her wanting your support and you not imposing it on her. If you have let her know you are there for her if she needs support already then just let her come to you if she wants to. If she does, don't let use you for support to the point she never gets the professional help she needs.

 

I've also been managing my parents fighting for the last 20 years, which lately has deteriorated to nightmarish levels.
You might want to look into getting your own therapy to help you with that. It's not a young man's place to "manage" his parents relationship (which I think you're trying to do with this girl now as its become the norm in your life to try and save).
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She's not your wife. Its not like you've been in each others lives as LIFEmates and you are supporting her in sickness and in health. Period. You really shouldn't put your emotional self on the line. By distancing yourself and letting her get the PROFESSIONAL help she needs to overcome her trauma, you are protecting both of you from further hurt. Leave her be and if she wants to hear from you, give her the gift of letting her contact you which will be her wanting your support and you not imposing it on her. If you have let her know you are there for her if she needs support already then just let her come to you if she wants to. If she does, don't let use you for support to the point she never gets the professional help she needs.

 

I honestly don't know how you can read what I wrote and come to the conclusion I'm imposing myself on her. I made it be known I'm there to support her in any way she needs it. If my emotional well-being is put in jeopardy I will have to walk away from it. She has already leaned on a me few times in the last couple of days as the tremors from her PTSD episode on Saturday persist.

 

She DOES need professional help though. During that frantic call she insisted none of it in the past has helped. I think the main problem is she didn't have a support system around her WHILE she was going thru therapy.

 

You might want to look into getting your own therapy to help you with that. It's not a young man's place to "manage" his parents relationship (which I think you're trying to do with this girl now as its become the norm in your life to try and save).

 

I've considered talking to someone about my thoughts regarding my parents situation. But this situation with the girl is separate from that. There's nothing for me to manage, I'm simply a support system at this time.

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Yes, being truthful I too am getting a whole lot of 'I need to save somebody' from you.

 

She just needs to get professional help. Recommend that she seeks out a treatment called EMDR for her PTSD. It works wonders for a lot of PTSD sufferers.

 

You hanging around as a support system will solve nothing regardless of how good your intentions are.

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Yes, being truthful I too am getting a whole lot of 'I need to save somebody' from you.

 

She just needs to get professional help. Recommend that she seeks out a treatment called EMDR for her PTSD. It works wonders for a lot of PTSD sufferers.

 

You hanging around as a support system will solve nothing regardless of how good your intentions are.

 

I don't know that it's as much truthful, as it is cynical (there's A LOT of that on these boards) - especially when you describe it as "hanging around". I'm out there living my life FYI.

 

Thank you for your input. But that call I had to sit and listen to on Saturday changed my perspective about a lot of things.

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I honestly don't know how you can read what I wrote and come to the conclusion I'm imposing myself on her.
You are if she uses your "support" that she hasn't requested. You also are if she ends up not going to professional therapy because she has you as her soft place to land. You do her no favours in that case.

 

I made it be known I'm there to support her in any way she needs it.
She does NOT know how she needs it. You could be enabling her issues when you're not trained. To support her as she goes through therapy is one thing. To just support her in any way she needs is quite another.

 

If my emotional well-being is put in jeopardy I will have to walk away from it.
There's where I think you need your own therapy... You should protect yourself from someone who can ruin you emotionally, not stick around, try and fix them and take a chance at your well being being damaged. You've only dated her five months. Like I said, you're not married or in a long term pairing.

 

She has already leaned on a me few times in the last couple of days as the tremors from her PTSD episode on Saturday persist.
Did you suggest she get herself to the ER or her family doctor for a referral to someone trained to help her through those? If you didn't then I have to say shame on you for not. She needs more than you being there for her to "lean on." Google White Knight Syndrome because I think it may apply simply because you've been caretaking (the dysfunction opposite of caregiving) your dysfunction parents for 20 years.

 

She DOES need professional help though.

Indeed!
During that frantic call she insisted none of it in the past has helped. I think the main problem is she didn't have a support system around her WHILE she was going thru therapy.
Where are her family? her friends? people that have been in her life more than 5 short months?

 

I've considered talking to someone about my thoughts regarding my parents situation. But this situation with the girl is separate from that.
Its the same church, just a different pew.

 

There's nothing for me to manage, I'm simply a support system at this time.
You are an empty support system is she's not getting the professional help she needs. Kind and empathetic support should be a supplement to professional guidance and care... not the only thing she's using to calm herself. She needs to learn tools to self sooth and not rely on you to get her through her anxiety/angst so don't enable her with your good intentions. If her last therapist wasn't helpful then she needs to find herself another one that she can gel with. It takes more than a few sessions to get yourself over the hump of past trauma.
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