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Thread: Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?

  1. #81
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    I was referring to when we dated. I'm only being honest my priorities even when things were good were not quite where they should've been. I was still spending too much alone time and when I wasn't doing that the ratio of going out with my friends vs. quality time with her was off.
    That was your gut telling you that you could do better. If your gut wasn't niggling at you about her, you would have truly wanted more time with her during that lustful, infatuation period called the honeymoon period.

  2. #82
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    That was your gut telling you that you could do better. If your gut wasn't niggling at you about her, you would have truly wanted more time with her during that lustful, infatuation period called the honeymoon period.
    Was it though? I am trying to re-frame experience to what you describe, but at the same time this has been a behavior of mine since the messy breakup I had in 2010.

  3. #83
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    Was it though? I am trying to re-frame experience to what you describe, but at the same time this has been a behavior of mine since the messy breakup I had in 2010.
    What behaviour? You backing away in some sort of fear of commitment? If that's the case then you've come to acknowledge the fear and perhaps you should be addressing it with a therapist? If you've noticed a behaviour wherein you pick women you know are not good for you, (either consciously or subconsciously) then again a professional will help you to figure out why you are attracted to women you know you SHOULD BE afraid to commit to.

  4. #84
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    What behaviour? You backing away in some sort of fear of commitment? If that's the case then you've come to acknowledge the fear and perhaps you should be addressing it with a therapist? If you've noticed a behaviour wherein you pick women you know are not good for you, (either consciously or subconsciously) then again a professional will help you to figure out why you are attracted to women you know you SHOULD BE afraid to commit to.
    Along those same lines Saturday night I finally made it be known to my mother and father that I am no longer accepting of their behavior - specifically my alcoholic father. I set the terms that if my father is that unhappy about us not having a deeper relationship he needs to clean himself up - it's non-negotiable.

    Often our parents are the subconscious framework for how we approach our relationships. I've been mentally drained from managing their fighting the last 10+ years and in a lot of ways it has impacted my ability to settle down with someone.

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  6. #85
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    Along those same lines Saturday night I finally made it be known to my mother and father that I am no longer accepting of their behavior - specifically my alcoholic father. I set the terms that if my father is that unhappy about us not having a deeper relationship he needs to clean himself up - it's non-negotiable.

    Often our parents are the subconscious framework for how we approach our relationships. I've been mentally drained from managing their fighting the last 10+ years and in a lot of ways it has impacted my ability to settle down with someone.
    Congratulations on forming a good, strong boundary with your father. *two thumbs up* A show of you taking care of you.

  7. #86
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Congratulations on forming a good, strong boundary with your father. *two thumbs up* A show of you taking care of you.
    Agree with this. Hopefully the same can be applied to her, mentally. I really, really don't think you suffer from some deep fear of commitment—at least not in the sense that that's why you were hesitant about her. She's a decade younger than you, immature, tempestuous, troubled, emotionally torn up about other men, and obsessed with social media—a list that would send any healthy person (even healthy-ish) running or at least hesitating.

    If there's a fear of commitment here, or something involving that "issue," it's the investment in someone you know, deep down, can't hang in the way you want to hang in. Three to five sessions with a therapist about that would, I think, be a godsend. I spent three years in a relationship where I was "on the fence," with reasons. The thing to figure out was what was up with me that liked a fencepost between the legs. Shifted the paradigm, made things simpler.

    Imagine this: A woman, 33-44, who isn't an open mess. She likes you, you like her. At some point you each follow each other on Instagram, as people do, but whatever happens on those feeds and stories is a drop in the bucket compared to what happens when you're around each other. That is what you want, and when you find it I highly doubt you'll be freaked out about commitment. But you have to prepare yourself for that, which means demagnetizing the little bits inside you that were drawn to this.

  8. #87
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Agree with this. Hopefully the same can be applied to her, mentally. I really, really don't think you suffer from some deep fear of commitment—at least not in the sense that that's why you were hesitant about her. She's a decade younger than you, immature, tempestuous, troubled, emotionally torn up about other men, and obsessed with social media—a list that would send any healthy person (even healthy-ish) running or at least hesitating.

    If there's a fear of commitment here, or something involving that "issue," it's the investment in someone you know, deep down, can't hang in the way you want to hang in. Three to five sessions with a therapist about that would, I think, be a godsend. I spent three years in a relationship where I was "on the fence," with reasons. The thing to figure out was what was up with me that liked a fencepost between the legs. Shifted the paradigm, made things simpler.

    Imagine this: A woman, 33-44, who isn't an open mess. She likes you, you like her. At some point you each follow each other on Instagram, as people do, but whatever happens on those feeds and stories is a drop in the bucket compared to what happens when you're around each other. That is what you want, and when you find it I highly doubt you'll be freaked out about commitment. But you have to prepare yourself for that, which means demagnetizing the little bits inside you that were drawn to this.
    I just want to clarify that while she is a little bit obsessed with Instagram (she chats on there all day long), that end of it wasn't a problem when we were dating. It was only during this reconciliation period when I noticed the games and her over-reliance on explaining herself via introspective word porn. I sense she believes it to be some kind of self-therapy.

  9. #88
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    I just want to clarify that while she is a little bit obsessed with Instagram (she chats on there all day long), that end of it wasn't a problem when we were dating. It was only during this reconciliation period when I noticed the games and her over-reliance on explaining herself via introspective word porn. I sense she believes it to be some kind of self-therapy.
    This is splitting hairs, to my eyes, while I'm talking about the entire scalp and what's inside of it: yours head, not hers.

    We've devoted a lot of words to this woman, and yet I barely get a sense of what you like about her. That's not me asking for list—I get it—but just saying that I don't think you've ever liked her all that much, or that deeply. I think you liked what she represented: some combination of personal challenge and personal salvation.

    But no woman is going to provide you with that, and odds are that you're going to get further from the challenge you're seeking, and the salvation, if you invest in women whose most compelling quality to you is their damage.

    Hence: explore your own, so it becomes less mysterious, less sticky. Do that and the damage of others won't intrigue you, and that healthier side—the one that was on the brake pedal—will guide you to the right roads on which to apply the throttle.

  10. #89
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is splitting hairs, to my eyes, while I'm talking about the entire scalp and what's inside of it: yours head, not hers.

    We've devoted a lot of words to this woman, and yet I barely get a sense of what you like about her. That's not me asking for list—I get it—but just saying that I don't think you've ever liked her all that much, or that deeply. I think you liked what she represented: some combination of personal challenge and personal salvation.

    But no woman is going to provide you with that, and odds are that you're going to get further from the challenge you're seeking, and the salvation, if you invest in women whose most compelling quality to you is their damage.

    Hence: explore your own, so it becomes less mysterious, less sticky. Do that and the damage of others won't intrigue you, and that healthier side—the one that was on the brake pedal—will guide you to the right roads on which to apply the throttle.
    There was a lot I liked about her. It was instantaneous between her like the familiarity of knowing someone for years. When we first connected over her wounds from tending to her dog with cancer - we were kindred, as I was still heartbroken from failing at treating my pet's kidney failure. I often judge people's character based on how they treat animals. She's the type of person who can light up a room when she's not wrapped up in her life drama's. It's one of those thing I always envisioned my future wife doing as she's entertaining guests at our house.

    Her motherly instincts are most certainly there too. She was a teacher at an elementary school at one point and one of my favorite things on this planet was watching her interact with her little nephew. It always put such a smile on my face. Obviously not now, but when we were dating she was extremely supportive, especially here at work. The prior team I worked for (which she's still on) never appreciated the work I did. I was constantly stressed out to the point of near exhaustion and she'd always be quick to remind me of what a great job I did. While she was kind of physically awkward with me a lot (because of her trauma) she still found ways to shower me with attention. Our sense of humors are very much the same and we could go hours just tossing funny animated GIF's back and forth at each other.

    While looks fade, I do admire how she transformed herself after her failed marriage. A lot of people after experiencing what she has could easily fall into a depressive abyss and let themselves go, so it shows the fighter in her. Lastly she is extremely bright, it's just too bad that often her anxieties trump that part of her.

  11. #90
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    Sorry having a moment. I've gone completely NC for the last two weeks and was doing fairly well just slowly accepting this whole charade is probably over.

    Sure enough, yesterday she liked a photo I had posted from an event I went to the night before. It's the first time she's liked anything of mine since we stopped dating two months ago. But she also commented about something I was wearing in a way where I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or a wisecrack. Sure enough at night there was she posting videos of her out in the bar scene of my city - the same one she lectured me about prior to the no contact. That scene was a real point of contention for her whenever she'd see me out having fun in my social media videos. She told me she hated everything about it and everyone in it. That she just wants more out of life and it's part of the reason why we want different things.

    The hypocrisy really irks me, especially given how strong her prior sentiments were. I'm doing everything I can to squash the feeling I have to bring it up.

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