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Thread: Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    ^^^ So true, Chloee!

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's interested that this is the first you're hearing about this and it comes only on the heels of "when I demanded explanation". Let it go. It was 20 weeks of dating. Sure she should have cancelled, but being unreliable is her nature and you're broken up.

    Be the better man here. Move on. Prove to yourself that you're not stuck or obsessed. Instead of making dates with her start fresh with saner women. She's dating others and blew you off. She's simply using the "best defense is a good offence" device. A colossal diversion. Why play the fool? It's not furthering your life.
    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    She stood me up on Saturday (our first planned hangout in nearly 2 months)

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's interested that this is the first you're hearing about this and it comes only on the heels of "when I demanded explanation". Let it go. It was 20 weeks of dating. Sure she should have cancelled, but being unreliable is her nature and you're broken up.

    Be the better man here. Move on. Prove to yourself that you're not stuck or obsessed. Instead of making dates with her start fresh with saner women. She's dating others and blew you off. She's simply using the "best defense is a good offence" device. A colossal diversion. Why play the fool? It's not furthering your life.
    Please stop while you're ahead. You're taking what I said completely out of context and the fact that you would mock her situation shows a real lack of maturity here. I don't really care to hear anymore of your opinion.

  4. #44

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    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    Please stop while you're ahead. You're taking what I said completely out of context and the fact that you would mock her situation shows a real lack of maturity here. I don't really care to hear anymore of your opinion.
    TTGU... Step back and take a deep breath... When we ask for advice, then get irritated by what someone is telling us, it usually means we know deep down they are right, and we don't want to hear that, so we get defensive.

    I've noticed you have responded to many posts in that way...

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with Camber^^.

    I know this is a hard moment, and I do think you’ve got a lot of good ears listening to you, and offering wise words.

    Imagine if you learned the reason she couldn’t make Saturday was because, while walking to get milk that afternoon, she tore her ACL. Old knee injury from her volleyball days. Would you respond by trying to figure out how to repair a sensitive ligament? Would you be rethinking the past 5 months, how you handled them (all that walking and dancing), and now wondering if there’s a role for you in her life now that you understand the sensitivity of her knee ligaments? Would you think there is a path toward a better you by fixing her knee, or offering her support while she walked? Would you find any way to blame yourself for the ligament snapping?

    My guess is no. You’d hope she found a good surgeon, and if you knew some good PT guys you’d give her their names.

    This is not different than that, if you can try to see it without the emotions, including emotions in you that predated meeting her and that have been stirred by this whole entanglement. That stuff is fogging over the parts of you that are trying to look out for your own health, I fear.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What do you think would happen to her if you stopped providing "support"?

  8. #47
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    Guys I'm not here to argue with anyone. At this point I mostly just need a place to place my thoughts because, well I need to get them out there somewhere. Encouragement is appreciated and remember this one thing - my life isn't in a tailspin or anything.

    Ever since I let her know that as much as I wanted a relationship, I wasn't asking for one but was there to support her - everything for the most part has been great. She had me come over and sit with her at work all week last week and got really pissy with manager who questioned why I was over there. Drove me to my car each day. Then yesterday she wished me good morning. She forgot her work laptop at home and texted me to come with her to get it. This caught me by complete surprise - as I haven't been with her in a 1on1 situation outside of work since we stopped dating (6-7 weeks), let alone with her in her apartment! I immediately thought well here we go - this is significant! Momentum is really building here! I thought the conversations were fun, we joked about our party days, and she bought me breakfast on the way back. I wanted so badly to be bold in the moment, but played it cool and kind of regret it. At one point she even noted that the recent times she has kind of picked at me for things that happened were just her being silly/petty. She joked it will stop at the end of the year.

    Afterwards, it kind of went silent again. Later that night her text replies to me were very spaced out. Then of course I had this bad dream about a male co-worker of ours I know she's attracted to and someone I've been suspicious of. Mind you this is a dude she knew in the past was running around on his fiance. Wouldn't you know it I walk over to her desk to check out her Halloween costume (which everyone is hitting on her for) about 30mins ago and guess who she's chatting with via work messenger? That guy. She closed the chat box so fast and then she asks me to come take a walk with her to the break room to grab coffee. Guess who randomly shows up in that room? That guy. Talk about a kick in the nuts (whether imagined or real). She then walked with me back towards my side of the office then grabbed her sister to go talk somewhere.

    This stuff definitely isn't for the faint of heart. When there's still feelings wrapped up in them our minds work in a way where we constantly need validation - what does everything mean? Why did they just do this - why did they just do that? I just want to remind people that if I feel I can't deal with it anymore then I have to walk away. That includes the potential for another job change too.
    Last edited by TimeToGrowUp; 10-31-2019 at 02:45 PM.

  9. 10-31-2019, 02:24 PM

  10. #48
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    Originally Posted by Chloee1988
    I think it's interesting that she brought up her trauma of sexual assault when you demanded an explanation for her flaky behaviour. I think that's when she decided to conveniently mention that in order to deflect blame for her bailing on you. Sexual assault is indeed traumatizing, however she can't perpetually use it as a crutch for wrong behaviour.

    I echo what some of the posters have said about her manipulating you, and you seemingly being unaware of this. There is a fine line between enabling and supporting someone. Please make sure she is receiving counselling before engaging with her any further. She is lacking stability and the best you can do for her at this moment is to encourage her to seek therapy.

    You seem to suffer from self esteem issues as you are willing to settle for being someone's psychologist while neglecting your own needs. Do you feel that you do not deserve a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship? Does having someone to "fix" give you a sense of purpose?

    Since you still have feelings for this girl, my best advice to you would be to cut or limit your communication with her until she is in a much better state of mind. Maybe then can you entertain the idea of a relationship with her. It is not in your best interest to continue speaking to her until she has sought extensive therapy for her trauma.

    Please seek counselling of your own as you seem to have low self confidence which affects your selection of women. You are your own person. Please prioritize yourself before assisting anyone else.
    She is still getting therapy based on a conversation we had recently. Just thought I'd clarify that.

  11. #49
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TimeToGrowUp
    Guys I'm not here to argue with anyone. At this point I mostly just need a place to place my thoughts because, well I need to get them out there somewhere. Encouragement is appreciated and remember this one thing - my life isn't in a tailspin or anything.

    Ever since I let her know that as much as I wanted a relationship, I wasn't asking for one but was there to support her - everything for the most part has been great. She had me come over and sit with her at work all week last week and got really pissy with manager who questioned why I was over there. Drove me to my car each day. Then yesterday she wished me good morning. She forgot her work laptop at home and texted me to come with her to get it. This caught me by complete surprise - as I haven't been with her in a 1on1 situation outside of work since we stopped dating (6-7 weeks), let alone with her in her apartment! I immediately thought well here we go - this is significant! Momentum is really building here! I thought the conversations were fun, we joked about our party days, and she bought me breakfast on the way back. I wanted so badly to be bold in the moment, but played it cool and kind of regret it. At one point she even noted that the recent times she has kind of picked at me for things that happened were just her being silly/petty. She joked it will stop at the end of the year.

    Afterwards, it kind of went silent again. Later that night her text replies to me were very spaced out. Then of course I had this bad dream about a male co-worker of ours I know she's attracted to and someone I've been suspicious of. Mind you this is a dude she knew in the past was running around on his fiance. Wouldn't you know it I walk over to her desk to check out her Halloween costume (which everyone is hitting on her for) about 30mins ago and guess who she's chatting with via work messenger? That guy. She closed the chat box so fast and then she asks me to come take a walk with her to the break room to grab coffee. Guess who randomly shows up in that room? That guy. Talk about a kick in the nuts (whether imagined or real). She then walked with me back towards my side of the office then grabbed her sister to go talk somewhere.

    This stuff definitely isn't for the faint of heart. When there's still feelings wrapped up in them our minds work in a way where we constantly need validation - what does everything mean? Why did they just do this - why did they just do that? I just want to remind people that if I feel I can't deal with it anymore then I have to walk away. That includes the potential for another job change too.
    So: Your offer of help and support was just a ruse to get back with her then. You're altruistic offer was, at it's core, selfish and self serving... at least that is how that quote reads.

    She had me come over and sit with her at work all week last week and got really pissy with manager who questioned why I was over there.
    Not only are you enabling her, you are also interfering in her job by having to justify your being there and talking "pissy" to her supervisor. What are you doing?

  12. #50
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    So: Your offer of help and support was just a ruse to get back with her then. You're altruistic offer was, at it's core, selfish and self serving... at least that is how that quote reads.

    Not only are you enabling her, you are also interfering in her job by having to justify your being there and talking "pissy" to her supervisor. What are you doing?
    I'm convinced you're reading what you want to read, not what I wrote.

    Thank you for your time.

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