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I've Taken A Serious Gut Punch


Loki1110

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Here's my story. It's a wall of text, but please bear with me.

 

The Background: I had been dating a 4th year medical student for the past year and few months. We began the relationship knowing at the end of the year she would relocate, but we both fell fast, so we kept it going. By the end of the 4th year, she found out she was relocating across the country and invited me to go with her. The move for her was about starting her career with people she liked in a place that she loved. The move for me meant being with the person I loved in a place that seemed awesome, but it also meant I would be giving up my job, home, stability, friends, etc. I knew the risks, but I loved her, so I was willing to do it. We got an apartment together.

 

The Past Three Months: Her life began to blossom. She was getting into the groove at the hospital, she was becoming close with her co-residents, and she enjoyed the things the city had to offer. My life seemed to get darker. I felt nervous to leave the apartment. I felt embarrassed to be unemployed. I kept applying but only kept getting rejections. The only social opportunities were ones that she initiated, (going out with other doctors mainly, seeing parts of the city, day trips to go hiking). It created a situation where I hated being social because I felt like a loser around the successful and high powered people. I hated going out and spending money I had no right to spend if I wanted to not be broke. I felt like I had no life of my own, and who would want to be with someone with nothing going on for themselves. It created a very vicious mental cycle. I couldn't enjoy anything, and a few times I tried to explain that, but I never seemed to be able to communicate it very well.

 

I was stand-offish often, and there were times where I acted like a real ass, but I tried to make day to day life with her good. I cleaned the apartment, made sure the place was stocked with her favorite snacks, laundry, etc, and we shared a lot of good, small moments together. I went to some of her social functions, and we went hiking a few times, and we had good times doing those things.

 

The Ending: Several days went by where things felt off. On some level I registered that something was wrong, but I was terrified that it was wrong with us. I didn't bring it up, therefore my anxiety grew, therefore my standoffish-ness grew. On Sunday night, she came into my room and while crying explained how miserable she had been. I knew things were not in a good place, but I had no idea they were that bad for her. She never told me about the effect of the events of the past 3 months until this breakup conversation. The reason she offered was that she had thought about it a lot and came to the conclusion that we wanted different things out of life and that there was no way it would work long term. I asked if there was another guy, and she said no. I asked if there was anything to be done, but she said it was too late.

 

She ended things, and I had no job to support myself. I had nobody else who cared I existed there. I didn't want to stay in that apartment and wallow. I didn't want to be in that city anymore and risk going completely broke by finding a new apartment while still not having a job. My best friend was 2400 miles away in Nashville, and he invited me to crash with him. So within 24 hours I packed up all that I owned into my car, and I left. I drove across the country in 3 days.

 

I'm now crashing with that best friend in Nashville. I've been NC for 23 days and I've heard nothing from her. Life sucks. Thanks for listening/reading.

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I'm curious - what's so appealing about her? Would it help you to talk about the relationship to gain closure? You'll have to get a job eventually and start supporting yourself if you haven't already. Don't stay with your friend forever. It's not fair to that friendship and you're verging on overstaying your welcome. You'll lose friends quickly like that.

 

You can vent here if you need to.

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You have done the right thing...now go back to your hometown if you are not already, seek out your old job, and also apply at other places. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, dust yourself off and get back at it. If you still struggle, then it's very possible it's due to depression...seek out help for this.

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She was appealing because she was bubbly, smart, quick, intuitive, and had a wonderful sense of humor. We had a real connection that I hadn't experienced to that degree before.

I have been looking and applying for jobs, and I take care of things around the house. I do my best not to be a free-loader.

I'm trying to view this an an opportunity to make a life for myself as I myself want it, but it's hard because a lot of days are filled with these waves of sadness and loss that I can't get much distance from.

I'm sorry to be such a sad-sac.

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Sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through a similar-ish situ a few years ago.

 

You need to get home and a job pronto. You have to start re-establishing your own independent life aside from a GF.

 

Can you go back to your old job?

 

You focus now should be on yourself, you put yourself into an awkward situ and it has backfired. I do respect you for supporting your partner. But now it's time to stop thinking/wallowing about her and focus on you.

 

Best of luck.

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Life can be a kick in the gut and nothing is ever is really guaranteed. I've posted this multiple times on different threads. What I've found helps, no matter how dark the period, is owning all of it. The more you subconsciously blame someone else, the universe or something else for your state of things the greater your likelihood of not overcoming it. The more you avoid and don't acknowledge how hurt you are or how hurtful the relationship was or what those red flags were from the start to the finish, the more likely you'll repeat the same mistakes.

 

It may seem counterproductive taking full responsibility for something that's not 100% your fault (it takes two to tango) but I've found my recoveries doubled as quickly and I was able to try and see things from the other person's point of view also and relate to the other person. You may not agree with each other but you can accept the outcome. In the end it's about no one else but yourself and how you want to live your life or how you see yourself living your life. I can never imagine myself down for long and it just doesn't happen for me. Not with break ups. I get down over other things like deaths in the family and transitions between life and death for example. I'm still grieving in my own way but I cannot stop living and I'm not down or in a haze anymore.

 

In the end you'll see that this person made a decision not to be with you but it's an outcome that you can own 100%. See it and feel it for everything it is, good times and bad times. Take the opportunity and get to know your new town, meet new people. Be realistic with the job search. Start out temping if you have to or see a temp agency/job agency where they place people or a career counselling office.

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Life can be a kick in the gut and nothing is ever is really guaranteed. I've posted this multiple times on different threads. What I've found helps, no matter how dark the period, is owning all of it. The more you subconsciously blame someone else, the universe or something else for your state of things the greater your likelihood of not overcoming it. The more you avoid and don't acknowledge how hurt you are or how hurtful the relationship was or what those red flags were from the start to the finish, the more likely you'll repeat the same mistakes.

 

It may seem counterproductive taking full responsibility for something that's not 100% your fault (it takes two to tango) but I've found my recoveries doubled as quickly and I was able to try and see things from the other person's point of view also and relate to the other person. You may not agree with each other but you can accept the outcome. In the end it's about no one else but yourself and how you want to live your life or how you see yourself living your life. I can never imagine myself down for long and it just doesn't happen for me. Not with break ups. I get down over other things like deaths in the family and transitions between life and death for example. I'm still grieving in my own way but I cannot stop living and I'm not down or in a haze anymore.

 

In the end you'll see that this person made a decision not to be with you but it's an outcome that you can own 100%. See it and feel it for everything it is, good times and bad times. Take the opportunity and get to know your new town, meet new people. Be realistic with the job search. Start out temping if you have to or see a temp agency/job agency where they place people or a career counselling office.

 

Wow, that really gives me something to think about. I really appreciate the insight, though.

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You did the right thing. It's never too late to undo a mistake like moving for someone when you you aren't comfortable in the area and didn't know how things would look. Just restart your life there with a fresh perspective.

My best friend was 2400 miles away in Nashville, and he invited me to crash with him. So within 24 hours I packed up all that I owned into my car, and I left. I drove across the country in 3 days.

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What do you mean by this, exactly?

 

I was never mean or disrespectful towards her, but I was very negative and a big downer about things we were doing sometimes. For example, if we were at a park, I would comment negatively about things or make snide remarks. If we were at a pricey restaurant, my mood would drop because I would think of the money being spent with no job, and I wouldn't say much while we were there.

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Sadly i don't think you ever really had a chance once you agreed to move there WITHOUT a job. You were getting left behind from the beginning, unintentionally. There was no way you'd be able to afford/keep up with a doctors lifestyle whilst unemployed. It was just a matter of time.

 

It's clear to me though that she's gone. I think the "we want different things" line is BS but the outcome is the same.

 

I'd take this chance to get yourself booked in for some therapy. I believe you need it from the things you said. As another post said now is the time to take control of YOUR life. You essentially gave your life up to follow her 1000's of miles. That must be mentally damaging.

 

You are young enough and wise enough to bounce back from this setback though. I just don't think this was your time for this relationship.

 

Get healthy, get social again and you will soon move on.

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I was never mean or disrespectful towards her, but I was very negative and a big downer about things we were doing sometimes. For example, if we were at a park, I would comment negatively about things or make snide remarks. If we were at a pricey restaurant, my mood would drop because I would think of the money being spent with no job, and I wouldn't say much while we were there.

 

That kind of behavior will kill even the strongest of relationships and it all boils down to your own personal insecurities and lashing out at your SO about them. It would be a good idea for you to own that and learn from that and grow from this going forward. It cost you a lot and it really had little to do with moving, her, no job, etc. You had the option to be patient with your job search, you had the option to stay positive and enjoy the moments you had with her and make them shine. Instead you sabotaged it all because of your own inner self. Nobody was looking down at you - you were doing it all to yourself. I hope you take some serious time to learn from this and come out a better, stronger person out of this experience.

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That kind of behavior will kill even the strongest of relationships and it all boils down to your own personal insecurities and lashing out at your SO about them. It would be a good idea for you to own that and learn from that and grow from this going forward. It cost you a lot and it really had little to do with moving, her, no job, etc. You had the option to be patient with your job search, you had the option to stay positive and enjoy the moments you had with her and make them shine. Instead you sabotaged it all because of your own inner self. Nobody was looking down at you - you were doing it all to yourself. I hope you take some serious time to learn from this and come out a better, stronger person out of this experience.

 

Honestly, all the insight in this thread is wonderful, and I'm very appreciative, but I think this is exactly the right thing. You've articulated what I think a part of me has been afraid of facing.

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Honestly, all the insight in this thread is wonderful, and I'm very appreciative, but I think this is exactly the right thing. You've articulated what I think a part of me has been afraid of facing.

 

 

Yeah listen to a lot of the people on here. They've given me amazing insight into my situs. Nothing better than impartial advice from strangers to help you see things from an outside perspective. Esp. when they are all telling you the same thing. I went through a break up recently and 2 weeks ago I was gutted and a bumbling mess. A weeks on and honestly listening to the advice I was kindly given, I feel insanely different. Life is short. We all come in and go out on our own and we all responsible for ourselves. We all mess up from time to time. But no one is going to help you in real life other than yourself and you have to be willing and able to accept constructive criticism.

 

Best of luck. In a few weeks/months, you will be in an entirely situation in your life, for the best. :)

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Sorry for the pain, buddy.

 

I think it's inevitable, in any relationship, that we pin a lot of big hopes on another person, on what us plus them can equal. That's part of the beautiful gamble, and I hope this lick of heartache doesn't turn you away from the casino for good.

 

Thing is—and I hope this becomes something you lean into, and grow from—what we have to be careful about is not pinning our identity on another person. It is simply a level of pressure no human being can take, because they're engaged in the forever work of figuring out their own identity, and no relationship can sustain, because it requires two developing identities to fuel a tandem unit harmoniously.

 

Succinctly put, it sounds like what happened here is: while she had some big hopes pinned to you and an identity pinned to medicine, you had both hopes and identity pinned to her, and the latter snuffed out the possibility of the former from being fully realized.

 

None of that is to shame you, or to give you another whip to lash yourself with, but quite the opposite. It's a lesson, a hard one: a moment where life has tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to carve yourself out with a bit more clarity and intention, so you're not over-dependent on another to be the thing that lights up your inner rooms.

 

All relationships are learning experiences, with the goal, in my opinion, being one in which individual lessons can be learned and grown from alongside someone, not simply in the wake of them. To achieve that goal, the basic machinery of your identity should be humming along pretty decently, so the relationship isn't having to operate outside its natural capacity. That doesn't mean you have to be "fully formed"—a state I'd say is unattainable, and thank god for that, as the best thing about being alive is that we're forever growing into ourselves—but fully engaged in the solo mission of forming yourself so you don't hand the keys to your ship to another.

 

It's easy to say you pressed pause on the self-formation button with the move, or that you hoped the big move would be some kind of fast track to a new you. Probably there was some of that. But I'd encourage you to look deeper, to see if maybe, even in those early, sparkly days, the pause button was pressed—if even then you saw in her a kind of portal to a new you and handed her the keys, and if maybe those sullen, irritable moments in parks and restaurants were you voicing frustration at that portal not coming through.

 

Yeah, life does suck right now—at least from one angle. I'm sorry for that. Feel that angle as you need to. But do know there is another angle to this moment that is all positive: a moment to start carving yourself out, so you can be that person alongside someone rather than through them. Personally, when I look back on some of the moments in my life I'm most proud of they are directly connected to moments like the one you're in right now—those times where life shows you the floorboards to your own house are wobbly, so you get out the saw and the nail gun and go to town.

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Sorry for the pain, buddy.

 

I think it's inevitable, in any relationship, that we pin a lot of big hopes on another person, on what us plus them can equal. That's part of the beautiful gamble, and I hope this lick of heartache doesn't turn you away from the casino for good.

 

Thing is—and I hope this becomes something you lean into, and grow from—what we have to be careful about is not pinning our identity on another person. It is simply a level of pressure no human being can take, because they're engaged in the forever work of figuring out their own identity, and no relationship can sustain, because it requires two developing identities to fuel a tandem unit harmoniously.

 

Succinctly put, it sounds like what happened here is: while she had some big hopes pinned to you and an identity pinned to medicine, you had both hopes and identity pinned to her, and the latter snuffed out the possibility of the former from being fully realized.

 

None of that is to shame you, or to give you another whip to lash yourself with, but quite the opposite. It's a lesson, a hard one: a moment where life has tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to carve yourself out with a bit more clarity and intention, so you're not over-dependent on another to be the thing that lights up your inner rooms.

 

All relationships are learning experiences, with the goal, in my opinion, being one in which individual lessons can be learned and grown from alongside someone, not simply in the wake of them. To achieve that goal, the basic machinery of your identity should be humming along pretty decently, so the relationship isn't having to operate outside its natural capacity. That doesn't mean you have to be "fully formed"—a state I'd say is unattainable, and thank god for that, as the best thing about being alive is that we're forever growing into ourselves—but fully engaged in the solo mission of forming yourself so you don't hand the keys to your ship to another.

 

It's easy to say you pressed pause on the self-formation button with the move, or that you hoped the big move would be some kind of fast track to a new you. Probably there was some of that. But I'd encourage you to look deeper, to see if maybe, even in those early, sparkly days, the pause button was pressed—if even then you saw in her a kind of portal to a new you and handed her the keys, and if maybe those sullen, irritable moments in parks and restaurants were you voicing frustration at that portal not coming through.

 

Yeah, life does suck right now—at least from one angle. I'm sorry for that. Feel that angle as you need to. But do know there is another angle to this moment that is all positive: a moment to start carving yourself out, so you can be that person alongside someone rather than through them. Personally, when I look back on some of the moments in my life I'm most proud of they are directly connected to moments like the one you're in right now—those times where life shows you the floorboards to your own house are wobbly, so you get out the saw and the nail gun and go to town.

 

This was such an insightful, beautifully written post that I feel almost guilty for simply reading it without being able to offer something back in exchange for it. I can't even begin to tell you how much the concepts you've articulated here have struck some kind of a chord with me. All I can say is that I'm truly grateful for you sharing this with me, and please know you've helped a stranger.

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Awww, thank you—and thank you too, Murphy.

 

Toss the guilt in the trash, friend. We're just talking life and love—you, me, everyone—not engaging in a transaction. If anything resonates, great. If it doesn't, equally great.

 

I get the sense that something fierce is churning in you right now, that some pores are opening up, wanting to ask some big questions. Yeah, they feel like raw nerves right now, because they are, but let the air hit them. I'm a true believer that when the bell tolls—yup, I'm talking about the minute you stop existing—it's these moments that will be cherished, if harnessed.

 

I also get the sense that a part of you wouldn't mind tucking into the corner of a dive bar, and ordering something like 1000 shots of whiskey while cursing her name as the dudes playing darts tell you to get over yourself. Understandable. Been there, sometimes literally.

 

But I say wink at that dude—acknowledge him, as he resides in us all—but don't spend too much time in the bar. You've got a blank page before you, and a story to write. Start with a word, make it a sentence. Soon the pages will be filling quick.

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Awww, thank you—and thank you too, Murphy.

 

Toss the guilt in the trash, friend. We're just talking life and love—you, me, everyone—not engaging in a transaction. If anything resonates, great. If it doesn't, equally great.

 

I get the sense that something fierce is churning in you right now, that some pores are opening up, wanting to ask some big questions. Yeah, they feel like raw nerves right now, because they are, but let the air hit them. I'm a true believer that when the bell tolls—yup, I'm talking about the minute you stop existing—it's these moments that will be cherished, if harnessed.

 

I also get the sense that a part of you wouldn't mind tucking into the corner of a dive bar, and ordering something like 1000 shots of whiskey while cursing her name as the dudes playing darts tell you to get over yourself. Understandable. Been there, sometimes literally.

 

But I say wink at that dude—acknowledge him, as he resides in us all—but don't spend too much time in the bar. You've got a blank page before you, and a story to write. Start with a word, make it a sentence. Soon the pages will be filling quick.

 

You are absolutely right. Through all of this, it's like I now have these keys that have been loaned out to me that open up these "inner rooms." Whereas before, I would throw the keys away and get trapped in this cycle of guilt -> self-hatred -> depression, now I want to use these keys, and explore these rooms. I want to do the work.

 

I also want to do the shots, but I know that only leads back to the cycle.

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Everything in moderation, from personal growth to shots. That's my motto.

 

I realize money is tight, but you come across like a great candidate for therapy. Something to consider. People can think of it as the place we go when we're all messed up—a little shame chamber of sorts—but I think of it more like CrossFit for the mental-emotional core. The more intimate you get with that guilt/self-hatred cycle, the less sway it has over you, and, with that, the less sway it'll have in, well, intimacy with other humans. Once you can look it dead in the eye, you won't be prone to chase anything—be it a shot or a woman—who provides the illusion of taming it.

 

One day at a time. The way you feel right now? It won't last. That's a fact, as all feelings are are things that come and go. So make some use of it. You'll thank yourself later—a much better reason to raise a shot glass, you know?

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I think the best advice has already been given to you by some posters. However I will add one point:

 

Based on your post, it seems that you failed to adequately communicate your feelings to your girlfriend during this transition. Do you have a tendency to internalize your feelings instead of perhaps disclosing them? If something feels off, you should communicate that to your partner. Otherwise you’re bottling all of this resentment, and it just creates distance which increases over time.

 

I am sorry to hear what you’re going through, but time is the healer of all wounds.

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