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Thread: Figuring out how to see each other with different custody schedules

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    Figuring out how to see each other with different custody schedules

    I've recently been seeing this person and it is going well. We're getting to the stage where we'd like to see each other more regularly. The issue is two-fold: we both have kids from previous marriages and have different custody schedules. She has week on/off, starting on Fridays, and I have a 2/2/3 schedule. Always Mon/Tues. Never Wed/Thurs. Rotating Fri-Sun. Her kid-free weekend is my weekend with the kids. So, right now, without babysitters, we can only see each other on Wed/Thurs of every other week. That's just not enough time. The other issue is that we live an hour away from each other, so things I've done in this situation in the past (coming over after the kids are in bed) are not really feasible.

    Other than babysitters every week, has anyone out there gone through this and found a solution that worked for them? Things are going well with this person and I'd like to figure out something to make this work.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Baby sitters on the opposite weekend night?
    I don't know. All this and an hours distance may be too many obstacles.
    If you think this has potential and the commitment is there, it should survive these challenges. Your kids won't be young forever.
    Just take it day by day.

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    Also, i would do every other Wed/Thurs and then every other weekend get a babysitter for a couple hours one weekend night. There really is no other way.

    But it IS feasible for you to come over after the kids are in bed when your kids are with their mom on the other weekends. But depends on how old the kids are. If they are very young, you can get away with it, but not if they are older

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    If things get serous maybe you could adjust your custody schedules to be more "regular" instead of rotating or swap one day a week to have one more common day

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    Abitbroken: Thank you for the suggestion about the weekends. I had only thought about weekdays/workdays. But that makes sense that I could go over on the weekends, since we could stay up later. Adjusting the custody schedule, on my end, could happen. My ex-wife and I have talked about it before. In fact, she's even brought up swapping our weekends in the past. So it's very do-able. Just not until the end of November because of a couple work trips I'll be taking on my kid-free weekends between now and then. It may be that we do babysitters until the end of November and then work out a plan from there. It's just not a plan I super like. It just might be the only one.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    It's just not a plan I super like. It just might be the only one.
    This, I think, is the fuel for most relationshipsófinding the person with whom you can thread the needle between ideals and reality. If reality dictates that this is the only workable plan for time being, try it. If you find you both can "super like" each other with that planówell, that's the stuff of gold. As things progress you make little adjustments to the plan, to keep polishing the gold.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Can either of you speak civilly with your respective co-parent and discuss changing the custody arrangements?
    Originally Posted by Rdunsany
    She has week on/off, starting on Fridays, and I have a 2/2/3 schedule. Always Mon/Tues. Never Wed/Thurs. Rotating Fri-Sun. Her kid-free weekend is my weekend with the kids. things I've done in this situation in the past (coming over after the kids are in bed) are not really feasible.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Can either of you speak civilly with your respective co-parent and discuss changing the custody arrangements?
    If they have only been seeing eachother for a short time, i would not do this until they have gotten to know eachother enough to decide its a go. Maybe also, with fall here some of the kids are in activities or clubs for a few hours during the day on the weekend where the person who doesn'thave their kids this weekend can drive out

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    Yes, at this moment, I am not ready to do a custody schedule change. This is very good possibility in the future though. My ex-wife has brought up switching our custody weekends before and I declined at the time, so I know she'd be up for it. By switching the weekends I alternate, which would be pretty simple and not really a big change even remotely, I would free up having a whole weekend with her. That said, I have some business and personal travel coming up in the next month and a half that I need the current schedule to make possible. But it's something to reevaluate in December.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm more inclined to think seeing each other once a week is a good thing... rather than a disadvantage. It's tempting to want to spend more time with each other but keeping it real/realistic with the kids is a good idea. It may not work for everyone but you can make it work for both of you. If this is a challenge perhaps it's preparing you for the greater challenge of blending your families in the future (if it ever gets to that). Let the kids take their time getting to know each other or getting used to the idea that mum or dad is dating and see how things go with the relationship.

    I think this is more of an advantage than a disadvantage. The 1.5 hours is a personal thing. It seems a bit of a distance to some and nothing to others. The length of time inbetween and the distance may be a good buffer for the both of you and cause you to evaluate whether this is worth pursuing (creating solid reasons for being with each other in the first place). I'm curious - how will either of you reconcile your work situation or job situation or custody schedule if one of you has to relocate with your kids? Is this a long term relationship?

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